Category: blogging

Sleepy Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Sleepy Monday

All I did today was sleep. I just couldn’t get out of bed. I got notification that my prescriptions were ready and was planning on getting it but I didn’t. I haven’t left the house since Thursday. I haven’t showered in at least a week. I know I need a shower. I figured I would shower and then go to the pharmacy. Now it’s looking like I might take a shower before bed. That might not happen either.

I tried to see if my therapist had an opening today to talk to her but she is booked. I didn’t think I would even blog today. I just don’t want to do anything today that requires thinking. At dinner, my mother asked why I haven’t been going out. I didn’t tell her it was because I was depressed. I just said I didn’t feel like going out, which is true. Now I have to go out tomorrow or she is going to think something is wrong. Fuck. Well, if I don’t shower, I am not going out. Only thing I have been doing for self-hygiene is brushing my teeth. Usually I don’t even do that.

My brother in law has been working on his kitchen most of the day. Sleeping has been difficult to come by because of this but I just stay in bed. I haven’t really sat up to do anything other than check stuff on my phone. I barely used the laptop today, except for writing this blog. I have to use word to write my blog.

I just have no energy. I didn’t even make coffee today. I was going to so I could combine the two Brazil’s into one bag. I probably could do it but I don’t want the full bag to be too full. The stuff is expensive and I don’t want any of it to go to waste. I used to put my coffee in Tupperware containers but my idiotic mother once combined my breakfast blend coffee with Maxwell House so I don’t do that anymore! If I didn’t need special grounding for my French press, I would have used it but didn’t want to take the chance of mixing grounds. She doesn’t use Maxwell House at all as she barely uses a coffee maker. She just uses instant coffee that is disgusting. I can’t stand the smell of that coffee. It makes me sick. But then, my mother says the same about my coffee so I guess we’re even.

The Pats lost to the Eagles yesterday. I didn’t watch the whole game but they just fell apart in the third and fourth quarters. By the time I checked Twitter to see how the game was going, it was abysmal. Within just a few minutes, the Eagles scored like 3 touchdowns that sealed the game. I tried to watch the last few seconds of the game but I couldn’t find the damn channel in time. When I did, the game was over. I was hoping for a miracle but it didn’t happen. I am upset but I know they will win the next game. They got to.

Dark Hot Chocolate and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dark Hot Chocolate and Other Things

I had bought dark hot chocolate mix and tried it out today. Because I was using more than 8 OZ of milk, I decided to use two packs of mix. HUGE mistake. It was so rich and creamy that could barely taste the chocolate. Note for next time: just use one package!

I slept fairly well. I had a rough start. After my last blog, I fell asleep only to wake up two hours later. I was rearing to go and couldn’t settle down again. I think around 0300 I finally went back to sleep. I slept around five straight hours and felt good. I made some breakfast, which was just biscuits. I was planning on making them with a burger but didn’t. Now after the hot chocolate, I don’t want anymore food.

I need to fill my meds for the week. I dread doing it. It doesn’t really take that long but it’s just that I hate doing it. I should get a month pill pack so I don’t have to worry about it but my fear is that I won’t know when it’s time to refill my meds until I go to fill the boxes again.

A friend of mine from BPD chat had a poll about whether knowing your diagnosis helped you or not. I found out that I was bipolar II last year. All this time before then, I thought I just had recurrent major depression. I can’t say that I am surprised at being Bipolar, but it was kind of a shock to see it in black and white. I don’t get the hypos frequently enough so I was thinking I just had major depression. According to the criteria, just one hypo episode slaps you with bipolar II. Knowing that I have bipolar has been a little easier to accept what my condition is and to live a little better with it. But the depressions are brutal. There is no denying that.

I still am having back and thigh pain. I haven’t made a decision about what to do about it. I could be in the early stages and that is when you want to catch CES. You catch it while it’s doing damage and the outcome is not as favorable. I really don’t want to be facing surgery. And I don’t know, with my insurance, if I will get a board certified surgeon or not. The whole thing is making me very nervous. Question is, should I wait till I see my doc the following Wednesday or call tomorrow to see him?

Baseball Movies and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Baseball movies and other things

I watched a League of Their Own tonight. It was not as funny as I thought it would be but it had its moments. I found it really good. Now I want another baseball movie. I took my meds a little while ago so I am not sure I will be able to watch the entire thing. I am thinking Love of the Game will be next. I love Kevin Costner and this game is more baseball than any movie that I have seen so far. I still want to own Bull Durham and Major League. I have not seen these movies. I rather read books. I also want to see Sandlot. I heard that is a funny movie. My favorite actress, Teryl Rothery plays in Sandlot 2. She always has small roles in movies and TV shows. She is a good actress and don’t understand why she doesn’t have a bigger role. She did in Cedar Cove but the show got cancelled after the 3rd season. I am really going to miss watching it.

My back and thigh are competing as to who is going to hurt more. I am so scared that I might go to the ER tomorrow. It’s not like me to have back pain and leg pain at the same time unless something is seriously wrong. But then I have been thinking…if something is wrong, I will most likely need surgery, which will mean that I got CES x 3. I can’t live with that. The rehab is tough and having the surgery doesn’t mean that I will be 100%. Every time I get this syndrome, I lose function in some extremity and it takes me a long time to recover. Last time it occurred, it took me 8 months to have a fully functioning left leg, well I thought it was fully functioning. My ankle didn’t turn out to be fully functioning but no one noticed this. I sometimes lose perception of where my feet are so I need to carry things in one hand while holding on and looking at my feet to see where they are. Otherwise, there is a great chance I could fall down the stairs. I did that a few years ago and it wasn’t pleasant. I want to email my psychiatrist to get her input but she is having surgery for her own problems this week. I don’t know why this shit has to happen on the weekend. The problem started last week with twitching and now has moved to pain. I don’t like this progression. Today I was crapping without having to force myself to. I have no idea if that is normal or not as I am so used to pushing to get shit out. But the shit was flowing, on its own and I felt it so I don’t think I am losing control of my bowels. It’s so damn sad that with everything that goes on, you have to go through a mental checklist to see if you are normal or not. If this didn’t happen then you are fine. If this happens, then you are fucked. I hate this syndrome with a passion. It has you self doubting all the time. And because it’s the damn weekend, you can’t just call and talk to your doctor. You can talk to the doc on call but they don’t know you from Adam and your background.

Part of me thinks I will be okay until Monday. I should have made an appointment for this week so I could at least get scheduled for an MRI. Now I got to wait unless I go to the ER tomorrow. It will suck because chances are I will be there all day. I kind of want to know what is going on yet I don’t. I just know my back is hurting coupled with leg pain and I know that isn’t good. I am also scared that because my back is so messed up, I might have to get a fusion. If that is the case, I will never be able to work again. Every one that I know with a fusion never heals right and always has problems and worse pain than before surgery. I don’t want to go through that. I rather kill myself than go through that.

Can’t Find My Beanie Hat

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can’t find my Beanie hat

Since getting my new haircut, my head has been cold and I need a hat to keep warm. I thought it would be the perfect time to wear a beanie hat but I can’t locate the thing. I think I gave it away because I didn’t like the way if fit or never really wore it. That was when I had hair. Now I am just down to less than a whiffle so I think a beanie hat would be perfect to wear. But it’s missing. It will turn up when I am looking for something else. I don’t even know where my knitted hats are. I will need to find them as winter is approaching. In searching for the beanie hat, I have found many swim trunks. Now if I ever go swimming, I have several pairs. I also found a pair of scrub pants that I thought were gone. They are a cranberry color and they are my favorite. I don’t know if they still fit as I have gained weight since buying them. They will make nice pjs in the winter, if they do fit.

I slept really late today. I couldn’t believe I slept till 1030. I had breakfast and then read some more of the Civil War book. While I was reading it, I forgot to take my morning dose of my blood pressure pills. Another missed dose as it’s too late to take it now. I meant to take it when I got up but forgot. I turned off the app alarm telling me to take it and it just slipped my mind. I hate taking morning pills for this reason.

My butt is still hurting me today. I had another movement and that caused me some pain. I wish there was something I can take for it but there is nothing. I just have to wait till it passes. It sucks. Nerve pain has to be the worse kind of pain there is because narcs don’t touch it at all. And that just makes it worse as far as constipation goes. I’m just glad I didn’t have to labor my movement this morning. That just makes the pain worse. I have been having bowel cramps the past hour or so. I think I might have another run at going. Just hope it doesn’t kill me.

It’s been three weeks now since I bought Eric Church’s newest CD. I am glad it’s on my MP3 player because otherwise I might have worn it out. I haven’t listened to nothing else. I have thrown in a couple of Carrie Underwood songs but the majority of the music is Church. I just love this album and can’t go back to anything else. If I am not listening to it, the songs run in my head. It doesn’t run in a psychotic way but the songs will shuffle through. I have thought about throwing in his song “Springsteen” but that will mess up the tempo of the CD. It like an addiction right now. I know eventually I will go back to the other music I bought but right now I need Church’s music. I can’t explain it.

I was emailing a friend of mine that also has CES. We kind of bitch to one another about the pain that we are in as we understand what the other is going through. She has been such a good support to me through the years. She lives in my state so we have seen each other a couple of times. I think we last met in May or June of this year after the horrible winter we had. It took until then for the commuter rail to get back to a normal schedule. The T has been “winterizing” the trains, though I have no idea how they are doing this. They show pics on the Twitter feed about what they are doing but I don’t know how that is going to help. I just hope this winter is not as bad as last year. It’s warm today so that is a good sign we are not going to be having a crappy winter. I think we can’t have another brutal season because last year it was already cold in December and just got worse through March. I know that I have to come up with some kind of walking thing at home in case I get snowed in for a week or two. Last time I spent most of February in the house and when I started walking, my calves cramped up pretty good because I was using them. I really don’t want to go through that again as it was awful.

I haven’t had lunch yet. I was going to order out but my funds are short. Turns out the order I placed never charged me and so I didn’t have the money I thought I had. I am glad I didn’t make a withdrawal or I would be in the red. I still don’t have the stuff I ordered. It won’t come for another two weeks. The place I ordered from charged my account for each item I ordered. It totally confused the hell out of me because I didn’t make transactions in a few days. I hate when you order stuff and they break up the purchases. Drives me nuts. Amazon will sometimes do that, too.