Category: Chronic pain

Ramblings 67

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about things. Some I can’t really grasp. I was pain free for a few days and now I am in some pain, especially when I bear weight on my foot. It is making walking and going down stairs difficult. I got up early this morning and had coffee. I really want to take a pain pill but I am supposed to go out with my friend today. Trouble is, he hasn’t gotten back to me about what time we are supposed to go out. I am really frustrated with this because he does this all the time. He says lets hang out and I am left waiting for an email on when we are going out. I guess I am just annoyed easily these days as my anxiety has been through the roof.

I hate being in pain but I don’t want to sleep all day because that is what will happen if I take my pain meds. The pain is tolerable and like I said, as long as I don’t bear weight on it, I should be fine. But that also means I am stuck on my bed where I can elevate it. I am already bored. I have maxed out my game rewards. I can’t do anything on my game for another couple of hours. Baseball game isn’t for another hour. I think I will listen to the game. I probably shouldn’t have had coffee as it gave me energy and now I have nothing to do with it. I don’t know how I am going to take a shower today. It’s like everything I want to do, I can’t because my damn foot is bothering me.

I have been on my laptop most of the morning transferring the Sox game to my computer so I can transfer it to DVD. My first go round with my old laptop didn’t work. And I would like to watch the game today as a reminder of what it was like to win the Series. I just hope that MPEG4 can be used on DVD players. I know nothing about the technology. For all I know, it could be the wrong one. There is one for iPod/iTouch so I think MPEG4 is the right one for other players. But we’ll see. I know I won’t be able to play it on my DVD player because it is too old.

It’s getting to be lunch time and I need to make myself something to eat. This is going to be a challenge being on my feet. Think I will take something so I am not in horrible pain afterwards. If it makes me sleepy and my friend calls, maybe I will go out anyways to wake up. If he doesn’t, like I know he won’t, least I will be medicated and not in so much pain.

a little of this and that and transgender too

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, suicidality, transgender

Had a horrible day. Spent the entire late morning/afternoon at the hospital with my dad. They still have no idea what is wrong with him and it is starting to piss me off. I feel like my father is living my life in the “I don’t know what is wrong with you” circle. He had some scans done and we will be back next week to find out the results of those scans. Just lovely. Another day of boredom. I will be bringing my laptop and my manuscript so I will have something to work on while waiting for the doc.

I got to talk to my cousin today. Found out my aunt’s wake is tomorrow and the funeral is Saturday. Not looking forward to it but you have to show up and pay respect and say goodbye. It’s going to be a sad day for me.

I am pretty exhausted from today and in pain. I was in pain most of the day yesterday so all I did was sleep most of the day and then be up most of the night. I rather sleep during the day and be up all night. I miss working second shift. It was the perfect balance of not being a day person and being a night person.

I talked with my therapist for the last time this week and she is on vacation next week because it’s school vacation. We talked about my book and how it is affecting me and then she wanted to know more about the voices and I flipped out a little. I couldn’t tell her but did tell her that the voice I hear is actually her, well, not really her but her persona or something. I can’t explain it. It is just something that happens to me. I hear a voice and it will get stuck in my head and start talking to me is the best way to put it. That is why sometimes songs get their go around in my head and I can’t stop it unless I take medication. I had this one voice last summer that just wanted to talk to me at night, just before sleeping. And boy, was she demanding. I would nod off and she would get all offended. And the more sleepy I was, the more she would ask questions! So annoying! I am glad she is gone and hope she doesn’t come back!

I have to get dressed up tomorrow. I hate getting dressed up. I don’t have clothes that fit me anymore except for one pair of pants. And it is going to be cold so I have to wear a long sleeved shirt, which because I gained weight, I have only one that fits. If I didn’t have breasts, I would be fine. Things would fit nicely. Pisses me off that I have them. But then I will never be a “guy”. Just in my head I will be one. To the rest of the world I am a FEMALE, like it says on my medicare card I got the other day. How degrading. I could have killed myself over it. But I guess I am getting better at living this double life, even if it is painful. I recently heard that Facebook has changed gender roles. I wonder what that is about. I haven’t looked at it because in my mind you are either a female or a male. I am a male, but in a female’s body. So, yea, I kind of get the confusion. UGH. This sucks. If only we were to choose what we wanted to be at the age of five none of this identity confusion would exist. Just because you are born one way doesn’t mean you are truly that way. Now I feel suicidal because I hate myself so much. I can’t stand myself. I am despicable.

this is me swallowing my pride

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I worked on my book and I think that it is a good book. It might not make the New York Times list but as long as it sells 100 copies I will be happy.

I have been in a disgruntled mood. My therapist never got back to me because of her commitments yesterday. I just wish she could have texted me something so I wasn’t hanging all day. I am not having so many flashback symptoms but I think that has more to do with not being in a lot of pain today. I have been experiencing more side effects from the Abilify than anything. I have to take Ativan to deal with it. And it makes me feel sluggish and sleepy. But as long as it takes away this rubber band feeling, I don’t care. I can’t lower my dose because the psychosis will come back, and quickly like it did before. I also don’t want to be in the hospital for Christmas. I haven’t called my psychiatrist yet. I am hoping they will settle down some so I won’t have to. Not much she can do about it anyways other than tell me to take Ativan. If that doesn’t work, I am sure I can take benedryl to help. I have the need to be snowed anyways. I have been in an awful frame of mind and my stupid therapist wants to activate Mr. Hyde. WTF, really?? My suicidality has been on an all time low and you want to activate the demons? I was toying with her today about it. But it’s not going to happen. I can’t risk taking my life for no reason. I have an appointment with her all this week to make up for Monday I guess. And next week she is trying to get me to open up about the personal reason why I need the 17th off.

I need the 17th off so that I can think. It is going to be a very depressing day for me. And I want to spend it alone, without having therapy. I think I am going to finish drinking the rest of my crown royal bottle. I think alcohol will go nicely with the end of thinking of suicide, but no one has to know about it. I don’t want anyone to know the real reason. My therapist doesn’t read my blogs unless I send them to her. So I am safe.

I have no idea if what I wrote makes any sense. Please leave comments if you think this is a good idea or if I should see my therapist on the day that I am not going to be thinking of ending my life anymore.

I don’t know what this blog is going to be like after I set this into motion. I know there will be blogs where I talk about death. It is the nature of this beast called pain. And of course the first song from my “Just Taylor” playlist is “back to December”. “so this is me swallowing my pride…”

this is the story of my pathetic life with depression and chronic physical pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

I had a very distressing session with my therapist. She was all freaked out that I had thought of a clever plan to end my life. She didn’t like it one bit to say the least and I get another session tomorrow. OH JOY. I don’t think I can contain myself, not!

I started reading her the post I wrote yesterday. I think I might have gotten through the second paragraph crying and then I couldn’t finish reading it as I was sobbing so much. Funny how I didn’t cry when I wrote it. Weird, actually. I guess what I write does have feelings even if I am unaware of them.

I didn’t get back to my writing friend yesterday. I was too exhausted and drugged up to write an email. I don’t even know how I mustered up the blog. I didn’t write the blog in word like I usually do. It makes it easier in case there is a glitch somewhere and I don’t have to start over because of it.

I went out today but I didn’t shower or brush my teeth. I just threw some clothes on and waited for the bus. I wanted a cheeseburger really bad so went to the Joshua Tree and they had one with avocado! I loved it. I didn’t like the fries. They were way too oily. But the burger was everything I was looking for even though my taste buds didn’t appreciate it. It will sustain me for a day or so. I don’t think I will eat anything else today. I had my coffee that tasted like shit. I drank half of it and threw it away. I felt bad doing it but I knew that if I tried to finish it, it would come back up on me. As you can probably tell, I haven’t been eating or drinking good. I planned on buying a case of water for my room but forgot. I know I am dehydrated because my lips are severely chapped. I just can’t keep up with the fluids. And besides, more fluids means more leak accidents. I rather stay retentant.

I am craving a cup of chamomile tea so I might make that later. I really feel like I am stuck in a mudslide or cement or something similar. It take me forever to walk places. I feel like everything is uphill even if it is not. I don’t get out of breath or anything like that. It is just a struggle to walk, even with the pain I have been having.

I feel rotten that I can’t try my plan to kill myself today. I know now that it probably would not be a great idea. My bed would probably try to come with me even though it weighs more than I do but who knows. I am bad with physics and things and would probably end up strangling myself just enough to lose consciousness and someone to find me in time.

Because I am still going to be here thanks to my terrible therapist, I ordered my groceries to be delivered tomorrow. They are going to come between 730 and 930. Are they for real?? UGH Nothing like waking up early sitting around waiting. But then I can have my nice cold cut sandwich with bakery bread, pickles and chips! Damn I forgot to buy soda! Oh well. I don’t need the calories anyways.

So this is the story of my pathetic life with depression and chronic physical pain.