Category: chronic physical pain

Sunday Blog 23 July 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 23 July 2017

I woke up around 0400 in pain. My back was still hurting but less severe. It was mostly my ankle/foot pain that woke me up. I took my meds and then tried to go back to sleep. I got a text about a half hour later. It was a friend and we chatted for a while and then I drifted off to sleep for about an hour or so. I then took some Neurontin as my foot was burning.

My mother fricken called me around 1000 but I didn’t answer it. I was still sleeping and refused to budge. I woke up a couple hours later. I made coffee as I needed it badly. My mother was home then and she told me why she called. She had left her keys at home. My sister left the back door open for her. I couldn’t help it as I was sound asleep for the most part.

I had breakfast with my coffee. I made a turkey bacon and cheese sandwich. I also had some wheat thins. My appetite was kind of out of control as I was hungry about an hour and a half later. I had some ice cream and then prepared dinner. There was some corn in the fridge and my mother said to cook it. But it was moldy so I had to throw it away. By that time the game was on so I started watching. My mother had taken out some meat sauce to thaw and I was boiling the water for raviolis. My niece wanted some, too, so I took two bags out. It came out good. For the first time, the raviolis didn’t fall apart on me. The ravs really filled me up. I hope that is all I will eat today.

I saw ugly Ricky give up a home run and the Sox didn’t look like their bats were hot today. It was close to the 5th inning so I turned off the tv after I cleaned up and then went to my room. As I got up to put the dishes in the sink, my back creaked on me. I couldn’t stand straight. I was okay after a few minutes. There must be rain coming our way because that is the only time my back acts up. It’s like a switch. It is much cooler today than it has been the past several days. I shut off the AC.

Last night before I went to bed, I tried upgrading my phone and adding a line to my cellphone. I kept on getting errors and it wouldn’t let it go through. I gave up and then tried again when I got up this afternoon. It worked but I had to call Sprint to make sure as I saw only one device in the email. My niece and I will have the new Galaxy S8 phones. I went on Amazon to get the micro cards, screen protectors, and cases for them. It was much cheaper than Sprint. Sprint had a 64 GB micro card for $64. Amazon had the same card for $22. The only reason I did it was so that we can have contact with my niece as she doesn’t have a phone or a job. Her mother was thankful but kind of pissed that I did this as she is not the most responsible person in the world. She is 19. I told her when she does have a job that she is to pay me $40 for the line. I will have to juggle my budget around for the next two months as adding a line is bringing up my bill to $175/month. That is a huge jump. But it will work out, eventually.

Now that I got a new phone, I will need to back up my storage card so I can put it in the new phone. It has most of my music on it, which is what I need it for. I don’t need anything else. I know I had to transfer some app data to my card so I could make room on my phone’s storage. That was a pain because I have over 50 apps to go through individually to transfer the data. I also know it’s going to be a bitch downloading all the apps to the new phone. I’ll worry about it when it comes in.

severe back pain and PTSD doesn’t mix

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Severe back pain and PTSD doesn’t mix

The past few hours, I cannot straighten out my back without severe pain. It is causing me to have flashbacks of the time I was first diagnosed with cauda equina syndrome. I remember not being able to walk or stand on my left leg without severe pain. Now I have back pain and my left ankle/foot is going berserk, which is causing me great anxiety.

I emailed my psychiatrist because I didn’t know what to do. I would have paged her but it’s late and I don’t want to bother her even though I am freaking out. I am trying to calm myself down by distracting and reading tweets about the game. Sitting is difficult but laying down is worse because my thoughts go crazy. It also increases my ankle/foot pain so I can’t win. I was able to brush my teeth but it hurt. I couldn’t use the prescription toothpaste because I had to sit down. I hate that I have to use two toothpastes at night.

I’m hoping this pain is caused by the weather. The temp has dropped several degrees and usually that brings me pain. I don’t know if it is going to rain or not. I am guessing it will because it usually activates my back pain. I haven’t don’t anything I shouldn’t have done or lifted anything heavy. It annoys me when I am hurting for no reason. It could be a delayed reaction to the beds in the psych unit. I was on a hospital bed but it was lumpy.

Sox are leading 3-0 as of now. The pain is driving me nuts. It’s all around my waist and lower back. I am trying to reassure myself that it is NOT cauda equina syndrome as there would be more symptoms of the syndrome but with my ankle and foot tingling and throbbing, it’s hard. My brain knows that it’s not CES but my feelings are like yes it is. You need to go to the ER right now. I am in panic mode and I don’t like it. I took an Ativan to calm down. Hopefully it will also relax my back muscles so they don’t hurt as much. I already took my pain meds, except the strong pain med, which I am contemplating. I have never taken it for severe back pain before so I don’t know if it will work. It’s funny, while I was in the hospital, the pill color was orange. The ones I have at home are white. Same size, just a different color. I have never seen it orange before.

Well, the score is now 4-3 Angels. Damn Price sucks. Giving up a gift of a 3 run lead. I don’t like him at all. Never have. I took the strong pain pill and hope it helps, or at least allows me to go to sleep. I really hate having PTSD. I remember nearly everything while I was in the ED and them telling me I needed surgery, the surgeon sees me all for 10 minutes and then says yup, 830 in the OR. I was scared shitless. I asked him when I would be able to walk again and he said three days. It was a week before I was able to move my toes again, with effort. I never want to go through that again. I will kill myself before I need another emergency back surgery. Two was enough for me.

Saturday Blog 87

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday blog 87

I haven’t done anything today. I woke up early in pain and it took a while to get back to sleep. I only woke up because my mother fricken called me. I didn’t answer the phone because I had to use the bathroom. She, of course, got mad that I didn’t answer the phone. Then she called me a liar because I told her I didn’t have a tank top. I just bought one and it’s the only one that I have. Whatever. This is what I deal with on a daily basis.

I made coffee and had some bacon that my mother made. There was a tuna salad in the fridge and I had that for my lunch. I am going to order pizza and fries for supper. It’s too hot to cook. My new method came today. I haven’t opened the box but I think I am going to keep it. I had told my psych that I was going to return it but I don’t want to.

I got a letter from the US Dept of Education regarding my student loans. They are monitoring me and sent me a letter that I need to send back saying that I haven’t received any earned income. They will be sending me these letters for the next two years. I have been declared permanently disabled so I am not worried about being forced to find work. I am on social security and collect benefits from my workplace which provides me with the additional insurance I need after medicare. It’s a lot of money between the two insurances but it’s worth it.

I’m still feeling kind of low and out. Pain is minimal right now but that can change with anything. I was talking with an old friend last night until midnight. Time always seems to stand still when we talk and the next thing we know, three hours have passed. I stayed up for a few more hours as I had coffee late and it kept me up. I just stayed up until the baseball game was over. We won and I posted about it. Then I went to bed. Game isn’t on until 2100 tonight because they are on the west coast. I hate west coast games.

Supper was good. I had some watermelon after I ate. I love watermelon. I can’t eat too much because it can cause the runs with me. My mother and I were chit chatting. She was upset that I had posted on Facebook that I was in the hospital. I guess word got to my aunt and she didn’t want her to know. Oh well. I am not going to not post on my social media so the Boston Globe of my town doesn’t know things. Just kind of pisses me off that she wants to continue to hide my mental illness.

I have been listening to Sam Hunt and Eric Church the past few hours. I am trying to drown out the Linkin Park songs that are running through my head. I kind of want to listen to their music at the same time I don’t because it just makes me sad. Today has been difficult as I am missing my ex-therapist. I miss having someone care for me as much as she did. My new therapist just isn’t working out for me. I am overwhelmed with having to yet again find someone. Monday I plan on calling the place where I submitted an online request. It’s been a week and I haven’t heard back. They have different kinds of therapies at this place so I can pick and choose which kind of therapist I want, least I hope to. I just don’t want a CBT therapist as I don’t think that will be beneficial to me. I never liked the paperwork that is involved with this therapy.

I have been keeping a spreadsheet on my phone to help me keep track of my pain meds, how many I take and the time I take it. I find that it’s helping me feel more in control rather than just take pills and then forget the time I last took them. I just formatted a cell for text for the time as I couldn’t do it on my phone. I put in military time so that I don’t have to use AM or PM for the time. It’s just easier for me. Right now I am hurting really bad. Ankle and foot are acting up. I just want to scream. I last took my pain meds two hours ago so the only med I can take is my strong pain pill. As bad as I hurt, it’s not that severe. It’s more annoying as it is just throbbing and I know that I can’t do anything but let it throb. I hate this condition so bad. October can’t come soon enough. I am seeing my regular neurologist next month so I will ask her what she thinks on my condition and if she agrees that I do have CRPS. I’d like to know what her thoughts are in the matter.

Psych appt and other things on a muggy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Psych appt and other things on a muggy Friday

When I left the house this morning, outside was cooler than the house. It was kind of refreshing. But that quickly changed when I got out of my psych appt. The appt went well. I talked about the week in the hospital and how they really didn’t know how to help me. They pretty much just prevented me from acting on my suicidal urges due to pain flare up that I had all week. I also told her how I felt about Chester Bennington’s death (lead singer for Linkin Park). It just sort of knocked me out of my suicidal depression because of how real it is. She told me she contacted the coordinator for the pain group and that she should be calling me as she gave her my contact information. I haven’t heard from her or the therapy place yet. I needed a refill so she sent it. Walgreens hasn’t filled it yet so either they’re busy or they haven’t gotten to it yet. Sometimes the electronic orders take a while to be processed. If I don’t see it tonight or tomorrow, I will get back to my psych as she probably sent it to cyberland. I am to report back to her about therapy and the pain group, or anything else she can demand from me, LOL. I told her I was planning on legally changing my name in the upcoming weeks as I will be getting paid next week. I will pay all my bills and whatever is left over I will save or have enough for it. I am not sure. I don’t know how I ended up with three credit cards so those are bills that I need to pay before I can get my name changed. It’s cash, I think or check. I don’t remember what the courthouse takes. I need to look it up.

When I got to the Square, I went to Chipotle for dinner as my mother said she was going to my aunt’s house and wouldn’t be home later. Fine with me. I waited for the bus and was sweating on the walk home. The house was really bad. I ate and then took a shower. Then my ankle crapped out on me. I took my pain meds as I was due and have been chatting with some friends on Twitter and text. I also texted my sister that we are three weekends away from a booze cruise I bought tickets for. I am so excited. It will be a cruise around Boston Harbor at night. I love being on a boat. I don’t really drink but I do plan on having one or two drinks at least. I definitely want a mojito and it’s for autism so it’s for a good cause. One drink will give me a buzz. I don’t drink beer. I already had my one beer a year a few weeks ago. I usually have a Sam Adams summer ale. It’s the only one that I like.

Other than resting this weekend, I don’t have any other plans. I really want to watch a movie so maybe I will to pass time. I bought a bunch from Amazon that I still have seen. On Facebook, I saw someone post that there will be new Harry Potter books in Oct. I don’t know if it’s true or not so I tweeted JK Rowling and the Harry Potter World UK. They would know if it is. It will be so cool. I love Harry Potter. Today marks the anniversary of Deathly Hallows being released ten years ago. Hard to believe it’s been that long ago. Makes me want to re-read it again. It’s by far one of my favorite books in the series. I had bought the set of paperbacks two years ago. It was fun reading them again. It never gets old. I don’t like the movies very much because they deleted scenes from the books and Peeves is not seen in any of the movies. He is a troublemaker ghost in the books.

I had my espresso but now I feel like making an iced coffee. I got an email from Starbucks Store and found that the Hawaiian coffee that I love is back. I ordered it even though it was really expensive for 8.8 ounces. I like it iced so now that I know how to make it, I am going to run out of it very quickly. I might get it tomorrow if I feel like going out as I saw they had it in the store. I am glad I can get coffee in addition to espresso. One of my cousins posted today that she is giving up coffee and I am floored. I didn’t see why she is doing it but I don’t think I can do that, ever. I love it too much. I had my chocolate fix today as when I got to my psych’s office, I went to the gift shop. To my surprise, they had Godiva dark chocolate bar. I haven’t seen it in a long time so I bought it. It was good. I miss having a Godiva store at the mall. They have Lindt Chocolate store, which is good and as expensive. Beats Hershey’s that’s for sure!