Category: chronic physical pain

don’t know if I should write anymore

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Don’t know if I should write anymore

I have been contemplating writing today. It’s been a difficult day. I again had pain and I think because I have been rationing my pain medication, I have been going through withdrawal. That hasn’t been pleasant. But there is nothing I can do about it until Friday. I feel like all I do is talk about my pain and also that it is boring you guys.

I didn’t go out today because I wanted to rest my ankle. Friday will be a long day because I have two appointments. I want to prepare myself for it as much as I can. I am not hopeful that the NP appointment will go well. If anything, I will get my usual amount of meds and hopefully a refill for the strong pain pill but nothing else will change. And I will be pissed off because I will feel unheard. If the NP gets freaked out and refuses to give me my meds because she is worried, I will end things sooner than planned.

I was talking with my therapist today about this. I told her somethings and it made her worry. She wants me to text her after the appointment with the NP to see how it goes. I told her I have no intention to do so. I feel things aren’t going to matter, which is why I didn’t want to write today. Nothing matters to me anymore. I am tired of fighting pain. I give up.

I took a shower today and made coffee. I was really tired after all the Neurontin I took last night. I plan on taking the same dose tonight. It helps me sleep some. I woke up this morning without the sock I had worn to bed. It’s hiding somewhere under the covers because it’s not on the floor. When I told my therapist this, she laughed and said I was such a guy.

I might write tomorrow, which could be my last blog. Depends on how I feel. Just feeling really down right now and not sure what to do about it.

Games my foot likes to play

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Games my foot likes to play

The past few weeks, my foot has been playing these games with me. It will become really hot and painful so I take it out of the covers and it IMMEDIATELY cools down and stops hurting. Then it becomes cold so I stick it under the blankets, only for it to start hurting again so I take it out. This goes on for a while. It drives me crazy. One night I woke up with both feet on top of the covers and feet were freezing. Unreal.

I am getting tired of this game because I know one day it is going to stop and then I will be in more pain, unable to relieve it. I picked out another date. Fuck it. I don’t care, though tomorrow it’s supposed to be in the 70’s. It’ll be my last chance to end my life while the weather is fair. My luck my back will go out because the temp jumped 30 degrees and I won’t be able to go no where.

I did a stupid thing tonight. I was trying to fix my lamp and inside where the bulb is was a lot of dust. Without thinking, I blew air into this cup thing. As you might of guessed, the dust blew into my face and I was blinded for a few minutes. Thank goodness I had my glasses on or dust would have been in my eyes. Idiot I am. I did fix my lamp though, least I think I did. We’ll see later on tonight if it turns on.

I am in a sour mood. The Cubs won, much to my dismay. My foot is killing me and there is nothing I can really do about it. I took some Neurontin to quiet the burning but that is half the problem. I also took an extra Ativan to help me sleep but I don’t feel sleepy. I just want to fucking die. That will solve all my problems in one shot.

I can’t believe my foot is calming down after I took it off the blankets. WTF. Who knew that would be the answer to my fucking problem. Maybe now I can get some fucking sleep. I know I am going to be dead tomorrow because I did a lot of shit today. I probably will sleep all day. Maybe, with any luck, I will sleep through my therapy appointment. I doubt it though. I am usually too nervous to sleep past the hour and I usually set an alarm to wake me up. I hate being responsible.

I just don’t know what to do if my foot becomes cold again because this in and out game sucks and keeps me up. I would put a sock on but that doesn’t help. I’ll try it though, a loose fitting one. I don’t want a tight one like my BoSox slipper socks or a heavy one like my thermal socks. Nothing too constricting or warm. I hope whatever my foot is going through, it doesn’t last all winter long. It will drive me up the fucking wall.

I Voted!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I voted!

I got the Zipcar today and put extra time on it so I could vote early. Next week would have been difficult for me because I would either have to reserve a car or take 4 buses to the voting polls. I wasn’t going to do either. By the time I was done, I still had 45 minutes left on my time before returning the car. I got gas. There was a line. I didn’t know 1500 was the ideal time to get gas in my city. Every pump had a car. I waited as I had time to kill anyways.

I am sad that my childhood friend that moved to California and is visiting right now, I won’t be able to see. We probably would have if I didn’t go see my therapist. No matter, I will be having dinner with another friend tonight at the Thai place we like.

Therapy went okay. We talked a lot about my pain meds and how nervous I was about it. I had emailed my psychiatrist to email the NP about it because I feel like I will be in trouble otherwise. I just feel that the NP needs to know how much the pain is interfering with my mental health because it is so severe. I didn’t want to say it was causing me to be suicidal because that might cause more trouble than it’s worth.

Next week I need to go to Government Center to find out where the CBT office building is. We also talked about that in therapy. I am having hesitations about this form of therapy because it relies heavily on worksheets and such. The last thing I need is to write on paper at 3 in the morning what I am going through so this therapist has some clue. Nothing can be more clear than I want to die because the pain is so severe. I also hope that once they find out I have a regular therapist, they don’t stop this treatment. I am not going to choose between the two and neither is my therapist.

I had a nice night out with my friend. The Thai food was delicious. I ordered two spring rolls and was able to take one home for tomorrow’s lunch. I had a really nice time out though coming back my ankle started hurting. First time in a long time I had spent so much time out and in my brace. I knew it was going to flare, it was just a matter of time. I don’t need to flip a coin tonight as I already decided which pain pill to take. Friday can’t come fast enough.