Category: chronic physical pain

depressing and psychotic day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s been a depressing day for me. I also have been psychotic as I was late taking my pill today. I went out earlier than usual to get my espresso. I woke up feeling really hungover because I took extra Neurontin, hoping it would quiet my pain. No such luck, but it helped me sleep through the night, so that is a plus. While I was at Starbucks, I wrote in my journal and edited my book. I have 100 pages left to edit. I probably would have done more today but I was really tired, even after drinking the espresso.

Before I came home, I went to Walgreens. My mother needed her prescriptions and so did I. I also needed to get some cards. I was hoping they would have spaghetti and meatballs in their freezer section but they didn’t. When I came home, I made some pizza. I didn’t have lunch at Starbucks, though I probably should have. I was starving when I got home. I had a bagel before I left. I guess the extra Neurontin is making my appetite horrendous like it always does. I won’t be able to take it tonight because I need to drive tomorrow. I don’t want to be hungover and drive. That wouldn’t be good.

I have been feeling weepy today for some reason. I think it was because I was hungry. I feel better now that I ate, though I still feel depressed. It’s hard to feel anything else when the voices are calling you an asshole. That is all they are saying, over and over and over again. This weekend I was a turd and a dipshit. Now I’m an asshole. I wonder what names they will be calling me tomorrow. It’s so tiring to hear them day in and day out. It takes a lot of energy to block them out, which is why I am so tired.

My pain levels are, so far anyway, minimal. But it’s getting cold in my room so that might change. Doesn’t help that I still have the AC in my window. I never talk politics on my blog because I am idiot when it comes to it, but I still follow what goes on so I have some clue. When I was at the party Saturday, there was a guy that said he was voting for Trump because he liked him better than Hillary. I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me. You are at a married lesbian party and you are voting for an antigay guy?? What the hell do you think is going to happen to your friends if he gets elected? Their marriage will be void, they might have to go through torturous conversion therapy or worse. But yea, pick the child rapist over someone who has fought long and hard for the people in this country because she deleted 33000 emails. PFFTT. It gets me really upset that men are voting for this idiot because he is, well, a guy. That is all I will say on the matter.

I will be voting, hopefully, tomorrow. I wish it ended the shitshow but I still have a week and a day before that happens. Not that it truly is going to end. Trump will find any reason to be in the news long after the election is over. The media just eats him up like candy. It’s sickening.

The cake that I made on Saturday is gone. My therapist will have the very last piece. I guess my mother liked it because she has been eating it as well. If I can find another 10 inch pie plate, I will make it for Christmas and/or Thanksgiving.

As I am running low on my medication and won’t get a refill until Friday, I have decided to flip a coin as to which pill to take. This sucks so bad. I wish my other PCP was still at my doctor’s office. I wouldn’t be in this mess that I am in. He listened. He cared. Now I don’t have someone who has my back. Man, I am so depressed.

a day of sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up about an hour ago and now I want to go back to sleep. My mother will be making hot dogs and beans for dinner soon. I guess it will be good to eat something other than cake. I had three slices of the Nantucket Cranberry cake I made yesterday. It is so good. I really like it. I made myself a cup of tea to try and keep myself awake but I don’t think it is going to work. I can drink several cups of tea and then go right to sleep. But the caffeine might be enough to get me through dinner.

I woke up around 6 in severe pain to start my day. I don’t know how but my feet were not under the blankets and were really cold. It hurt moving my legs because my back was so sore. I was in an awkward position, which is probably why my back was hurting. I reluctantly took two pain pills. I am running low and will run out by the end of the week. Question is, which pain pill will I run out first. I have 4 strong pain pills and 10 regular pain pills. I think my regular pills will run out sooner. I am so sad that this is going to happen and there is nothing I can do about it, other than ration my pills. If I am in any pain for the rest of the day, I will have to take the strong pain pills. I think that with some Ativan will help ease my pain. Last night I went into PTSD mode because I started getting pain down my left leg. I was so freaking out. Back pain radiating down my leg always freaks me out. Luckily the Ativan worked and I went to sleep without incident.

I wanted to watch the baseball game tonight but I am way too tired. I still need to wash my hair because I put gel in it last night and it’s making my head itch. I don’t know if that will be done today. I am so damn sleepy. And it’s not like I have been piling on the medications either. I haven’t taken anything since early this morning. I guess all my activities from yesterday are coming out today, making me really tired. I never had dinner as my mother called and I was feeling kind of full of cake. I also didn’t feel like having hot dogs. I’m not that hungry today so I think I will take my meds soon and call it a day. It’s raining out now.

Saturday Blog 67

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 67

I woke up around 1000 and decided to take a shower as I was hungover from the meds I took last night to relieve my pain. Then I decided to make breakfast. My back had cramped up while in the shower so I had to take little breaks while cooking. After I ate, I made coffee. It was so good. I think I finally figured out how to make the House blend coffee just right. I still plan on going to the party tonight but I looked at the invitation and noticed I had to RSVP by the 21st. I didn’t do that. I am going to show up anyway. I am wearing my shirt that I plan on wearing for the costume party. I just hope I don’t spill anything on it between now and then.

I finally made the Nantucket cranberry cake today. It’s cooling off so I haven’t had a slice yet. It took me about 20 minutes to figure out how to use the food processor I have. I couldn’t figure it out and thought it was broken. I just had it turned the wrong way. I also didn’t realize that you had to chop the cranberries and walnuts together so they are separate in the mixture. Oh well. I am sure it will come out fine. The almond extract was overpowering. I guess that is why they only asked for ¼ teaspoon. Other than using the food processor, the cake was easy to make. I did have to ask my mother to help me spread the batter evenly as I am not good at that. I am glad that it all fit on a 10 inch pie plate. I was worried at first that the batter was going to overfill the dish but it didn’t.

And of course my back flared up several times while making the cake and then washing the dishes. I had to sit down several times to ease the cramping. It really sucked. I still need to go to the party and I am wicked tired. I did too much today, between cooking breakfast and making this cake. I know that might not sound like a lot, but for someone with chronic pain, it’s too much. I am sure my ankle is going to be screaming at me tonight. I have decided I am just going to wear jeans and my slippers as we will be going next door to my neighbor’s. If I was feeling up to it yesterday, I would have made the pumpkin cake for the party but I wasn’t feeling up to it.

I went to the party and had way too much to eat and drink. I had an alcoholic beverage as well as soda. The alcohol got to me quickly because I took a pain pill before I left. I always forget not to drink but the host of the party had Mai Tai drink and I wanted to try it. It was very sweet and went down way too easy. I only had half a glass and I was flying. I lived next door so it wasn’t like I had to drive home or anything. They had loads of Chinese food there. I had some, which is why I feel so bloated right now. I usually don’t eat so late but I was at a party and I love Chinese food.

My ankle started flaring up because I was standing more than I was sitting. It was getting late for me anyways as I always try to take my meds by 2100 or I am up all night. My ankle is thanking me now and I am probably going to have to take a strong pain pill or I am not going to sleep tonight. I got to wait for my stomach to settle down some because I don’t want to get nauseous.

I did a lot today and I am sure I am going to be sore tomorrow. Least I will have my Nantucket cake to have with my coffee. I am so looking forward to seeing how it came out. It was still cooling before I left for the party so I didn’t want to have a slice.

Just a lazy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Just a lazy Friday

I woke up around 8 this morning and used the bathroom. I then went back to sleep only to wake up around 1300. I made some coffee and reheated some Lo Mein. That was all that my foot needed to explode. I was going to make my pumpkin cake today but I am not, even though it’s an easy recipe. I just don’t want to exert myself and then be toast tomorrow. I really want to go to the party tomorrow night. I am just going to try and rest today and stay off my foot as much as possible.

It’s raining today so I guess that is a good thing as I planned on killing myself today. I guess my time isn’t up yet. I am feeling pretty sad at this and angry. My therapist texted me last night. I told her to give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill myself and she gave me a couple. She said that I was worthwhile and valuable. Then the voices in my head started calling me a turd and a shithead. So I went to sleep with that in my head.

I wanted to work on my book but I am getting drowsy from the pain meds. I thought the coffee I had would offset the side effects but I was wrong. I don’t really care. I am listening to country radio and thinking of my friend. I feel sad knowing that she is gone. Her daughters are devastated. I can only imagine how her husband of 40 years feels. He is doing some running thing in DC. He is running in her honor.

I am feel really low. I also feel defeated, like something has been taken from me and I can’t get it back. I really don’t want to be anymore. If the weather was better, I might have still gone through with my plan. It just gives me another opportunity at another point in time. I feel risky because I can do it at any time. I don’t have to have a date. I just need to “snap” and have it be a nice day out. Of course, winter is on it’s way so there aren’t going to be that many nice days left. Birthday Month is coming up. I don’t know how I am going to handle all of this. I just don’t want to live anymore.