Category: chronic physical pain

Still hurting after a good day

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Still hurting after a good day

I have spent the day mostly in bed. I slept on and off. Only time I was up was to take my pain medication and then nod back off. I finally decided to get up around four. Luckily, the ball game was just starting. My mother made dinner and I had a chicken cutlet sandwich.

My leg is really hurting me now. To move my ankle/foot is torture. I seem to be pulling on the tendon and it doesn’t like it at all. I am back in my room, listening to the game. I couldn’t take watching the game anymore because the announcers on NESN, though I do love them, kept on talking about stuff not about the game. They were talking about baseball but not the game and I hate that.

I am supposed to go out tomorrow, early, to have coffee with a friend. I am stressing about it because I don’t know if 1) I will be able to wake up that early and 2) I have an appointment with my pdoc. I know I am going to be totally wiped out by tomorrow afternoon and I still have to pick up my niece in the middle of the afternoon. It is going to be a long day!

a good but tiring day

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Today was my niece’s graduation. I am glad I went because I saw my cousins that I usually only see during weddings or funerals. I had no idea they were coming. It was so good to see them.

I have been in a depressed state. I hardly ate anything today. I should be hungry by now but I have no energy to eat anything. I just feel really run down. My pain is up there and I am trying not to let it get to me but I just can’t seem to ignore it the way I should be able to.

One of my aunts was telling me about her physical therapist and that I should see her. Thing is, I have had enough of PT and doctors to last me a lifetime. I don’t want to see anyone else as there is not a clear diagnosis for me to even begin PT again, not that it would help. I didn’t break a bone. I didn’t sprain anything that I know of yet I am in constant physical pain. She wants to help me and I understand this but there is nothing anyone can do. I know I am “babying” myself by not doing regular walking but what do you do when it hurts to walk?? I worked for two years in constant pain, seeing doctor after doctor to find out what was wrong. Now that I am on disability, I think I have earned the right to just sit around and do nothing for a little while. I know that resting my leg/ankle/foot is helping to bring the swelling down and I am getting better. But days like today where I am standing to talk to people and walking around just takes so much out of me. And people don’t realize it. They just think that because I am standing there with a smile on my face I am fine. I got a reprimand twice today about just wearing a T-shirt today. I wanted to tell them, “at least I showed up”. I wasn’t going to, I really wasn’t. But I went anyways and if I showed up in a t-shirt and jeans, well it’s better than me not being there, right?? Sure, it made me a little self-conscious, but my sisters didn’t mind and to me that was most important to me. I showed up and that was what counted.

I talked with one of my cousins today about my book. She is so proud of me for writing one. I told her exactly how I felt, like a failure because it wasn’t doing well. She said she is going to get it. Another cousin said the same thing.

I know I should be proud of my book but I am starting to feel like I put so much of myself into it that I shouldn’t have. But I can’t change the way that I wrote it unless I rewrite the book. I knew what was going into this book. I have read it three times. Some of the stuff I can’t believe I wrote, or that “I” wrote it because it was good stuff. But it’s not selling and that just has me down. And sadly, I can’t find the energy to promote my book. I have realized it will take money to make money and frankly, I just don’t have the motivation or the cash to do it.

Ramblings 69

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I was so exhausted yesterday I didn’t write a blog. I was tired and tearful. Little things would make me cry and then I couldn’t stop. Very unusual for me.

I had a rough day today. My mother woke me up at around 0730 because the microwave was broken and she accused me of breaking it. We got into an argument so I couldn’t settle down and go to sleep. After 0830, I called the company to find out what “F3” meant and got no where. So I had to go on the website to find out the keypad was toast. F3 meant it shorted out. It probably happened the other day when the power went out and then something happened this morning to finally make it bust. So when I called my mother and explain she was all upset. Sorry, we need a new microwave.

After the finagling of phone calls and computer work, I took shaved and took a shower. Got dressed and went to the bus stop wicked early. About ten minutes while waiting my phone rings and it was a private number. Thinking it was my father, I picked up. It was my pdoc saying she had to cancel due to an emergency and could I reschedule for Monday. Fine. I left the bus stop, went home and had a cup of coffee.

After the coffee, I was trying to take a nap. HAHA yea right. My sister called and told me my father is not doing well and could I go over his house to bring him some Ensure as he hasn’t been eating. I then asked what to do with my niece as I was supposed to pick her up later in the afternoon. I called her sister and she was able to pick her up so I could see my father. He looked awful. He needs fluids but doesn’t want to go to the hospital because it is Friday. UGH!!!! So he rather stay feeling horrible than be treated. His choice. I can’t change his mind. But I do make sure he drinks an Ensure before I leave. At least he has some nutrition in him for the day.

I come home and I am starving. I had eggs this morning but no lunch and now it’s getting close to dinner time. Microwaving something is out so I get a half pizza for myself and mother as a whole one would be too much.

I get home, eat and check on my “kids”. My youngest niece is sleeping and the older one made cupcakes. On a hot day! My leg is now killing me from walking around the world today. It was really bad last night and almost had a PTSD panic attack. But I took some Ativan and went to sleep. This leg pain is really bringing me down. I know it’s just whatever is wrong with my leg/foot/ankle but when it acts up, I get freaked out thinking I am getting CES again because I can’t move my toes. I can’t move my toes because of pain and swelling. I am resting now so hopefully I don’t have to go down the stairs again tonight. I really just want to chill on my bed and read a book or something. The less I stay on my feet the better.

My stats for everything, book sales, blog, and Kindle all suck right now. No one is buying my book. No one is reading my blog. I got 10 people yesterday, today was 9. I am so depressed. I usually get at least 20 hits per day and I just am not getting it anymore. I know I haven’t been writing as much and my writing is not as dark. I should be happy with the few people that actually read my blog and I am. I just want to get to 25K before the end of the month and that is not going to happen if my numbers don’t start improving.

So that has been my day. And I still have not had a nap. My Sox aren’t on until after 2200. I hate west coast games. The Sox are playing the number one team in the AL right now. We lost last night. Probably going to lose again tonight but we’ll see.

Weird dreams again and the SSF

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

I am having a horrible day. My day literally started at 0100. I slept for a few hours, from 2200 to 0100 and I was up for the night. I went back to sleep around dawn. Was up for a few hours and then tried to get back to sleep around 0800 or 0900. Fail. I finally gave up around 1130. In the times that I did sleep, I had another weird dream about children and elevators. It was winter time and we were going to take the children sledding but the elevator malfunctioned and we ended up at a hospital that was at an airport. I don’t know what that is about. Absolutely makes no sense. Other than me possibly wanting to get away either through an airport or a hospital admission. I don’t know.

I had therapy and we talked about the weird dream and me not sleeping. I told her I am getting to my wits end. The heat is not helping. I still have to clear a path for my bro in law to install the AC. Maybe I will do that after I write this blog. We also talked about my suicidality and the need to attempt suicide. I don’t know why I feel like this. I just feel like everybody will be better off without me. I just feel so low and useless. I know my sister needs me because I have to pick up my niece next week. She doesn’t have the after school program anymore. But I just hope my ankle doesn’t flare up other wise I will be in pain and I am not looking forward to that. I just wish I wasn’t in pain every single day. I have not had a “day off” from pain in weeks.

So because I am thinking of an attempt, my therapist is taking out the old SSF to assess where I am at. She will do this assessment tomorrow. The SSF (Suicide Status Form) is an assessment used to assess and evaluate suicidality. In addition to this assessment, it also lists goals of treatment that both the clinician and client agree upon. The beauty of this assessment is that it allows collaboration in the treatment of suicidality rather than have the clinician be the expert. And the assessment is easier for the clinician as it also lists all the necessary documentation you would need for a session such as Axis diagnosis, progress notes, and date of next appointment.

The SSF was developed by a suicidologist, my idol, Dr. David Jobes. He developed this assessment so that clients that were suicidal did not get “lost” in the system and were treated as equals in their treatment, rather than have treatment as usual. To learn more about this, check out his book on the subject, Managing Suicidal Risk. It is a great book and also teaches you how to score the assessment at the end of the book. There are also classes you can take. His assessment tool follows under his framework, CAMS, Collaborating and Assessing Management of Suicidality. I write a lot about his work on my blog because I can’t stress the importance of suicide prevention. And this is one tool to do that.

So my therapist is pulling out this assessment tool on me tomorrow. I am not happy about it. I know how to “cheat” on it as I am the one to bring it to her attention. She is not proficient in promoting it despite my several attempts for her to go to Jobes’s workshops. She feels, like many therapists, that her training is adequate (it’s not) and she does not want to be a suicidologist. I am not asking her to change her ways, just add to her skill set. Every time she brings it out, I cringe because I know she doesn’t use it all the way through and that pisses me off. I feel like it is a waste of time because it is not used properly.