Category: depression

Sore As Hell

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Sore as all hell

I woke up around 0630 this morning. I was still in pain so I took my meds and then played my game until I passed out again. I only slept for about two hours. When I got up, both my legs were sore from yesterday’s excursion. My calves feel so damn sore it is not funny and they are both tight. Stretching them just causes me pain. I have been do it little by little all day to try and get them to loosen up to no avail. I wish I had a bathtub. I think the hot water would help my legs so much. But I don’t. My ankle and foot are still swollen, though not as much as last night. They still hurt more than my calves. I am glad I decided not to go anywhere today. Only thing I planned on doing was calling a junk towing place to get my junk car but I didn’t even do that so FAIL.

Last night, I was going through my twitter feed and one of the anti-suicide organizations had a tweet that really pissed me off. The tweet said “suicide should never be an option”. BULLSHIT. You mean to tell me someone dying from the indignity of say Parkinson’s disease shouldn’t have the right to end their life when the time came? BULLSHIT. Or if they were dying from terminal cancer? Or ALS? I can go on, but I think you have my point. Sure, someone with depression *may* not have that as an option but in all humanity, it should remain as an option. I don’t want to live in a world where it isn’t. I know there is a 100% chance of me developing Alzheimer’s disease. I have the genes from BOTH sides of my family. If I become too much of a burden on my nieces and nephew, I want the option to kill myself. Or I will move to a state where assisted suicide is allowed by law. Course, that is if I don’t take my life before then.

I have many reasons for contemplating suicide. I live in chronic physical pain every day. I know suicide will be the cause of my death one day. I can’t picture myself living to “old” age, whatever that is now a days. I am 38 yet I feel like I am 90. I ache something fierce every single day. And if it is not one thing, it’s another.

Another thing that pisses me off about the anti-suicide campaigns is that they want zero (0) suicides. Again, they are living in a dream world. Sure, we can hope that the rate decreases, I am all for that, but to have zero suicide? That is just unrealistic to me. There is always going to be someone that ends up dying by suicide some where in the world. It’s just the way humans are.

Another Long Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Another long day

So I dealt with my father this morning. Thankfully, the gods were with me, because the doctor, who normally runs at least a ½ hour late (or more), was on time. I learned a new route to get to my father’s house that is easier than taking the way that I knew home. I was grateful that my father had a friend that took us, but man, did he drive below the speed limit. We got there on time and everything, but still. Doing 20 in a 30 MPH zone? Come on buddy. I just wanted to go home but no, my father takes the opportunity to tell his DOCTOR that he can’t fill one of his medications. I spent almost a half hour with him and he didn’t say one word at ALL about this. So he is without meds until I call the pharmacy to find out why he couldn’t fill it. The guy thinks the world caters to him, I swear.

I just missed the noontime bus because of the medication issue. I didn’t care. I was away from him and his ornery ass and was glad to have a half hour to myself to listen to my Pearl Jam while waiting for the bus. I still had some time to kill before having to pick up my niece from school. She is in awe that I can type fast. She wants me to teach her. I told her it comes with practice and patience. She didn’t like those words, LOL

I am glad I am seeing my doc on Monday because I will be demanding an MRI on my ankle because I think I screwed it up while walking. The pain I have been experiencing is not my normal pain, well it is, but not in this intensity. I could barely get my sneakers on today and the shoe part that meets with the bone just about sent me fainting from the pain. It was awful. But even with the AFO, my ankle is hurting me in one part ALL the TIME. It is so intense that sometimes all I can do is swear (doesn’t help the pain but makes me feel better to express my frustration). Either that, or the doc that injected the numbing medication screwed up my ankle. Though that happened back in January of this year. I seriously doubt it would still be affecting me now. I think I might have twisted it when I went for my little 1.2 mile walk on Labor Day because that is when the pain intensified. It is so annoying when you can’t walk. And I don’t want to hear the story about how my weight is factored in. My weight has been stable the last couple of years, give or take a pound or two. Granted I just gained weight while in the hospital but I will lose it once I get myself ready to. It’s hard to commit to anything when you are in chronic pain. But I ate good today so hopefully, I won’t have the midnight hunger attacks.

I have been texting my therapist throughout the day. I think she read my blog I sent her last night. I won’t find out until Monday when I talk to her again. Next week is going to be long. I have my appointment with my PCP on Monday and then have therapy in the evening. Tues and Wed therapy at noon. Then Friday I have my pdoc appointment.

I saved a little bit of money today. I saw an ad on one of the games I play for Sprint (my mobile carrier) and it was cheaper with this plan. So I called and though I don’t have unlimited everything, I do save $15 USD a month with the new plan. Only thing is, I have to make sure I don’t go over 4GB of data with this new plan. I doubt I will go over as I usually use just a little over 2 GB every month. But I know there may be months where I do go over. I try not to use my phone as much but it is difficult as I have a lot of my game feed on my Facebook page using my laptop but I don’t have the same crap if I use my phone.

One more bitch paragraph and then I will stop…

My cousin comes over the house just to use the bathroom, tells a story about how a doctor dented her car with his arm, and then leaves. She is such a drama queen and needs attention just like my father. Then she had the audacity of telling me I walk like my mother. She then asks me “don’t people tell you that”? I am like no, only YOU (asshole, that I mutter under my breath). She pisses me off something fierce. I could say she has the ass of her mother but I don’t. I am not that type of person. I just think these things but never say them aloud because they are inappropriate, something she never learned.

I just don’t know anymore

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, physical pain, suicidality

I just don’t know anymore

I have been in pain for more than 24 hrs now so if this is a little squirrely, that is why. I just cannot take the pain anymore. It is driving me absolutely insane. I spent the last hour or so writing in my journal things that shouldn’t be mentioned in the blog (stuff my therapist wanted me to write). I felt so ashamed afterwards. I was stuck with images in my head of the events that happened to me. I just want to be dead again. I know it has been at least a month since I last felt this way. Certainly was around the time of Robin Williams’s death. I felt like it was my turn. Well, dammit, why the hell not? I am so sick of being in pain.

I have tried to control my pain but my meds seem to be ineffective. I think I might have to take the stronger meds to break the cycle. But I don’t want to because the last time I took that drug, Jekyll appeared. I am wicked tired and all I want to do is sleep and I know that if I take this drug, chances are that Jekyll will come out. And god only knows what he will write. I find it odd that I have two “alters” and they are both male.

I didn’t take a shower today. I got a migraine and then things kind of went downhill after that. My pain worsened to what it is now. It is throbbing like a SOB and stabbing at the same time. It hurts right at the joint where my foot and ankle bone meet. That area is the most painful right now. I just want relief. I have contemplated taking the handful of pain pills that I have left. It will really suck if I take them because then I will have NOTHING. I know I am going to run out of my meds before the 28th of this month. My doc is supposed to write a 28 day supply but he wrote it for 30 days. Big help, not! I don’t know why I told him I needed less pills. But then, things were going well and I wasn’t in pain as much. The past few months have been awful and I keep meaning to tell him I need more pills because it just isn’t enough but I keep forgetting. Plus I am scared that he will say no. I doubt it, but you never know. I bet if my pain were under control, my blood pressure would be too.

I keep fighting sleep. I know that if I go to bed now, chances are good that I will wake up around midnight or 1 or 2 in the morning. I took my meds so I don’t have to get up again but I might have to go to the bathroom. I drank a lot of water at dinner because I am dehydrated. I didn’t eat too much, just had breaded cauliflower for dinner. I wasn’t that hungry. Which is good because I feel bloated.

My mother just struggled to get up the stairs. Her life would be so much better if she would take something consistently for her pain. But nope. Won’t even take a damn aspirin. Pisses me off because she always complains she is in pain. I refuse to give her sympathy because I know there are meds out there she can take but she won’t so there.

I have the ceiling fan on despite it being cool outside. I have been having hot flashes for most of the day. It is only about 70 degrees in my room so I don’t know why I have to put the fan on but I am hot and I hate being hot. I think it is because of the damn pain I am in. 24 hours. I didn’t even do too much yesterday so I don’t know why I am in so much damn pain. But I guess walking is my downfall. And my sister thinks I will be able to walk a dog. Please. I can barely get to where I need to go without hurting myself and you want me to take care of an animal?? NO. Not happening. Get a cat. I will clean the litter box twice a day. That I can do!

I don’t know why I am in so much damn pain. It’s not like I did anything today. I didn’t go up and down the stairs too much, but maybe I did. I never know what is minimal and what is a lot. My body doesn’t bother to tell me until it has surpassed its limit and then tells me the next day or later that night when I want to fucking sleep. It is terrible. Normal ankle movement should not bring you such pain!!!

The only thing keeping me sane right now is listening to music. I need that muse in my head because without it, I think I might do something drastic.