Category: mental illness

Quote of the Day 24 Oct 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychology, Quotes, suicide

The great social debate -really about subintentional deaths– is over the role of the larger society in contributing to poverty, social degradation, and hopelessness–conditions that are clearly about behaviors that bring death to far too many before they need have died. –Edwin Shneidman

Quote of the Day 17 Oct 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychology, Quotes, suicidality, suicide, writing

The single most dangerous word in all of Suicidology is the four-letter word only. Edwin Shneidman The Suicidal Mind

Quote of the Day 16 Oct 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders

For one thing, it means that our best route to understanding suicide is not through the study of the structure of the brain, nor the study of social statistics, nor the study of mental diseases, but directly through the study of human emotions described in plain English,  in the words of the suicidal person. Edwin Shneidman The Suicidal Mind

A letter to bozo

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

Dear Bozo,

It’s after midnight. I am really tired but I am in a lot of pain. I am feeling depressed because a fellow blogger wants to end her life. I have become good friends with her and it makes me sad that there is nothing I can do for her except be there. I hope she doesn’t hurt herself tonight.

Sox are back in last place. I feel like I am, too. I feel like I am at the bottom of the barrel and I can’t get out. The shit just keeps piling on and I can’t get out from under.  Foot is absolutely killing me despite taking pain meds. I just took some ativan because I got a cramp in my other foot. That is all I need, both feet to be against me. I am such a shit.

I’m supposed to go out tonight with some friends. I always have a good time even though it wears me out. My friends don’t know this.  I have never told them. They are the only friends that I have kept in touch with since my disability and loss of work. I would hate to lose them or be left out of having dinner with them once in a while. It really is the only time I socialize.

I just don’t know what has brought on these feelings of worthlessness and insecurity.  Someone liked my commonalities of suicide and placed it on Reddit. Whatever that is. I have heard about it but don’t know more than that.  I just know I feel like the biggest asshole on the planet right now. If I was suicidal, I’d probably plan something. It gives me comfort knowing I am going to try and end my life. I don’t know why that is.  Maybe because it gives me an option and a way out of this darkness. I am so tired of fighting it. Why do I have to continue to live when I don’t want to?  It’s your fault I’m still here. And I hate you for it right now. I hate this guilt trip you have me bonded into. I don’t want to hurt you, yet you say that I will if I kill myself. I just want the pain to stop. If the pain stopped, both physically and mentally I wouldn’t be thinking of ending my life. I am just a scumbag that doesn’t deserve your care.

I didn’t bring the depression on. Unless the pain meds did, which they could have. Course, I am very tired right now and fear that if I don’t go to sleep soon, Hyde might come out. So I’ll stop here for now.

But before I do, my CES anniversary  is coming up in two weeks. I am feeling anxious about it for some reason.  I keep having the memory of when I was told and having to pull over because I was driving to see you at the time. How I managed to drive without injuring myself I have no clue. My back was pretty bad. I still think if i didn’t get it the 2nd time, I wouldn’t be disabled like I am today. I have huge anger that I don’t know what to do with. The stages of grief I guess. But I refuse to accept this. This should not have happened. Someone should have noticed me walking improperly after all those PT sessions I had. Maybe I should have been in an AFO then. I don’t know.  It’s all hindsight now. And it makes me very angry.

I know I’ll never be normal again, that I think I can live with. But being in pain is not part of the deal. Especially when they are making it harder to get pain meds. If I dont ever get my meds, it will be my death sentence.