Category: mood disorders

no sleep again!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

No sleep again

I didn’t fall asleep until 0630 this morning. I was up all night. Every time I wanted to lie down, my foot or ankle or both, acted up in severe pain. I slept for about 7 hours before my damn mother called me wanting to know where I was. I didn’t pick up the phone. I took my pain meds. Then went downstairs to use the bathroom.

A friend had messaged me saying she was at work and I could swing by with my books whenever. I told her I would be by in about a half hour. I really didn’t want to go but I wanted to see my friend. I trudged up the hill to the office she was at and I was hurting. My ankle and toes acted up. I gave her the books and then left. I had an errand to do for my mother so I went to Walgreens. I wanted a drink or a snack so I got a Mountain Dew energy drink. It didn’t give me energy. My ankle is really acting up. I am in a lot of pain. I finished my zucchini bread and the rest of the energy drink. I told my mother I would be ordering Chinese food for dinner. She said ok. I think ordering Chinese is the only thing that she likes me to order. She never gives me a hard time about it but if I order a burger or any other type of food, she does. I don’t get it. It’s not like I am using her money. Whatever.

I’m pretty wiped out. I don’t feel like doing much of anything. I really wanted to change my sheets today but I knew that I would feel shitty when I got up. Guess it will have to wait till tomorrow. I am hurting pretty bad. My ankle just kicked up a few notches so I had to take the strong pain pill. It was hurting so bad my thoughts immediately went to suicide. I’m starting to keep a record of the consecutive days that I think about suicide due to pain only. If I think about suicide because of my depression or psychache, it doesn’t count.

OSU plays their first football game of the season tomorrow. I can’t wait. I have been looking forward to their games all summer. I think the Huskers play on Saturday. I tried downloading the schedule but couldn’t get it. I’ll just have to look online. I used to have the college football app but couldn’t find it in Google Play. I loved that app.

Think I need to take another strong pain pill. Pain is not going down and now my ankle bone is hurting really bad. This makes day 4 of it hurting. Tomorrow I don’t have to do a damn thing, other than change my sheets if I am up to it. I am not going out or anything. It will be a rest day. I’ll shut my phone off so if my damn mother decided to call, it will go directly to voicemail. Maybe I will block her when I sleep. There is an idea. I wish she would leave a reason for her call but she never does. She just says “give me a call when you get a chance” and hangs up. Annoying!

in my brain, dial it up, everything I want to say

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In my brain, dial it up, everything I want to say

I am totally addicted to “One Number Away”. It has been on repeat since yesterday afternoon. It touches me every time I hear it.

I am going through withdrawal symptoms from my pain meds because it has been 11 hours since my last dose. I have been sleeping all day so didn’t bother to take them when I woke up two hours ago. Sucks being dependent on a drug. And NO, being depended and addicted are two separate things. Being addicted means you need higher amounts of something to feel good. I don’t need a higher dose of my pain meds when I go through withdrawal. I just need to take the dose I take to get relief from the dizziness and lightheadedness that I feel. I almost fell backwards twice today. I thought it was because I am in Neurontin fog but now I think it’s because of the withdrawal. I have just taken my meds so I should be feeling better in about a half hour.

My mother is making dinner right now. Sausages and potatoes. I have a funny relationship with sausages. I like them but sometimes the taste makes me not like them. It’s weird. I’ll probably eat more potatoes than sausages anyway.

I made coffee but couldn’t drink it. It was making me more sleepy so I decided not to drink it all. I had wanted to change my sheets today but I’m not feeling up to it. I bought these clips to hold them in place. I just hope they work and don’t rip the sheets or slip off. I got them cheap on Amazon, just $8. A catalog that my mother gets had them for $14, but it was just 2 clips. I got 3 clips. I hope it keeps my sheet from coming undone after a few days. I hate having to fix it.

I got my suicide prevention shirt from the American Association of Suicidology. I hate not being a member anymore but the fees are too much for my budget, even as a fixed budget fee. I have Twitter to keep me updated on things as people are now posting on social media the slides and stuff at conferences. It makes you feel like you are there.

I’m starting to feel better now that I took my pain meds and ate a little bit. The sweet potatoes weren’t cooked but the zucchini she made was. It was a good dinner. I love zucchini with bread crumbs. She baked it in the oven so it was crispy. Very yummy! I hope I am able to stay awake for a little bit now that the withdrawal symptoms have passed. I try not to let it happen but I have no control over my sleeping pattern. I had woken up in the early morning and didn’t go back to sleep until 0700 then woke up at 1400. It was a good sleep. I hope that I will be able to sleep tonight. I think I will because I am still tired. I’ll change my sheets tomorrow. I really don’t feel like doing that task today. I need to clear my bed off and then take the sheets off. That is the easy part. Finding a place to put my “office” is always difficult. It’s not so bad as mostly it’s just clothes more than books and notebooks like last time. I’ll do it but I need energy and I just don’t have it today.

One Number Away

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

One number away

I just got home from therapy. As I was walking to the train station, I heard for the 3rd time today this song, One Number Away by Luke Combs. It reminds me so much of my ex-therapist. I want to text her so bad some days and then I remember she never responds to what I text her so why bother. I’m no longer her patient. It just hurts knowing that part of my life is gone and it’s just hitting me hard today.

Therapy went ok. We talked about the frustrations of my neurology appt and dealing with my mother. He was again, responsive to what I was talking to him about. He is off next week because it’s holiday. It sucks that I have therapy on Mondays because holidays usually fall on this day. Nothing I can do about it. I kind of like seeing him 3 times a month for the next few months. Less copays.

I had an okay day. I wish I remembered to bring my pain with me. I usually take a dose while I am in the waiting room so I am not hurting really bad by the time I get home. I woke up in pain but meds helped. I took a shower and made breakfast. It exhausted me and I took a nap. I had set my alarm for 1230 so I wouldn’t sleep the entire afternoon. Alarm went off but I didn’t get up. I shut it off and went back to sleep. Thank god my cousin called me around 1330 to say he had groceries for me to bring up. I got dressed quickly as I didn’t want to go back up to my room after I brought up the bags. I wanted to leave. One of the bags ripped and as I caught it, the container of blueberries my mother bought flew out and spilled all over. My mother was upset. I brought the bags upstairs and then went back down to pick up blueberries. If my mother had fucking used the re-useable bags that I bought for shopping it wouldn’t have happened, but she never thinks.

I left with just enough time to wait for the bus. I went to Starbucks. Because I had breakfast, I wasn’t hungry so just got my espresso. When I got to the store, I realized I didn’t pack my pain meds like I wanted to. I also forgot my watch so I felt naked. I hate when I don’t wear a watch when I am out. There was a guy in that I sat across using his computer. He asked me to watch it while he used the restroom. I told him sure. He came back and did a few things on the laptop. He thanked me and then he was going out the door, without his laptop! He must have realized it soon as he was half way out because he came back to put it in his bag and grab his drink too. Airhead.

I got lucky to catch the bus when I got to the Square after therapy. Sometimes I miss this bus as the time is so close and I have to wait for the next one. I am really hurting because I didn’t take my meds. I haven’t had dinner yet. I probably will have the left over Manwich to use it up. I wanted to take the zucchini bread with me but I forgot it because I was so rushed when my cousin woke me up from my nap.

I need to get my haircut sometime this week. I wanted to save $50 and put it towards my name change for my next pay period. But seeing that my groceries cost me more than expected, I don’t have cash now to get it after my last bill was paid today. I am going to go to the website later today to print out the petition request and see how much it is going to cost so I can figure out if it will be next pay period or the following. I want to get it done before my next birthday because I need to renew my license and I might as well change my name then as it will kill two birds with one stone. I don’t think it will cost extra but it might. I’ll deal with it in Dec.

in need of a nap but just woke up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In need of a nap but I just woke up

I woke up around noon time and really wanted coffee and some of my zucchini bread. I made the coffee and the new creamer that I have spoils the coffee. All you can taste is the cream. I don’t want to taste cream, I want coffee dammit. I feel bad because it’s a huge bottle and I paid like $4 for it. Now it is going to go to waste as I am not going to use it anymore. I’ll stick with the half and half.

I took my cream up to my room after I finished my zucchini bread and started reading Twitter. The feed was all about the floods in Houston and how high the water was. There have been 5 deaths. It was getting me kind of anxious so I stopped reading it. I hate reading about natural disasters and people being evacuated and displaced. The worse part is that people are abandoning their pets. These poor little creatures depend on us and their owners just leave them to fend on their own. Why bother having a pet if you aren’t going to take care of them? Makes me sick and angry.

I had some lunch as I thought I should have real food and now I want to nap. I’ve only been up for about 2 hours. My ankle is killing me. I finally gave in and took some pain meds. I was trying to see if it would go away on its own. Wrong. Silly me.

It’s cool today. I have the ceiling fan on and I need to change the speed so I don’t feel cold but I really don’t want to. I just put on a long sleeve shirt. I need to fill my med box for the week. I want to give the pain meds a chance to work before I stand for a while. I’m listening to my all male playlist. There are very little female artists out in the country scene these days. Every new group have all male artists. It’s rare to hear a female artist now a days. I miss hearing Carrie Underwood and even Miranda Lambert, even though I don’t like her personally. I won’t go into the reasons.

I told my mother I will have Sloppy Joe for supper as I need to use it up before it goes bad. I actually like it reheated better than freshly made. For some reason, it just tastes better. I need to make the Lemon sour cream cookies but I think I will make them next week so I can bring some to my psychiatrist when I see her.

I am glad I am seeing my therapist tomorrow, even if he is a dickhead. Maybe he can help me, however doubtful, to know why I feel guilty when I take my strong pain pill. I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve it or maybe don’t deserve pain relief? I am in a lot of pain, still, and had to take one of the pills. I had given ample time for my regular pain meds to work but I think I waited too long. My foot is also burning so I need to take some Neurontin and it’s not even close to bed time yet. UGH. Life with Chronic Pain…