Luke Combs top songs
I wanted to get my favorite Luke Combs songs in my top 25 playlist so I created a playlist with just those songs I liked. Beautiful Crazy and One Number Away are already on there but the others aren’t, yet. My app keeps track on how many times I play a song (I have no idea how) but I think it is cool. I saw an episode of Bones where Angela found the favorite songs of a passed coworker and they played those songs at his funeral/wake. I can’t remember who died as it has been a while and I never completed my seasons collection, mostly because I ran out of money for it.
I’ve been having a pain filled day. Started when I woke up with someone hammering the fuck out of my ankle and foot. I took a BT med, even though I just took my extended release one a couple of hours ago. I couldn’t handle the pain as it was just intense. I laid in bed hoping I would go back to sleep but I was too irritated and my mother had the kitchen TV on which went through my head like nails on a chalkboard. I think I got a migraine too, as I was sensitive to light and sound. I took my migraine meds before the headache came. It was hot but not sweltering, yet. I made bacon and then wanted to make my lemon loaf, but after I cooked, my ankle felt worse and I knew if I pushed through, I would pay for it. I prepared the lemons anyway. I tried to do it while sitting but the kitchen table was too high for me to get enough leverage to squeeze the lemons. It took 6 lemons to make a cup of juice. I zested three and hope it is enough for the loaf and the lemon bars I want to make. I couldn’t sit anymore or stand to zest more than three. I put things away, washed what I used, cleaned up, and then went to my room. I was soaked with sweat and had to change my shirt. I turned the AC on and tried to relax but then my mother called saying she was making spaghetti for dinner. Good. But I wasn’t hungry. She called again when it was ready and I still didn’t have an appetite. Past two days I barely ate.
I finally moved my bowels today. After a week of not being able to go. I still plan on taking some Miralax tomorrow to make sure I go. I can’t get backed up again. It hurts too much. I had taken a bunch of fiber pills and usually they work within a few hours but I was so backed up, it wasn’t working. I also didn’t want colon blow as my ankle was bothering me. I hope it is better tomorrow. If I can time it right, I might be able to make the loaf in the morning before it gets 90 degrees or more in the kitchen. I’ve been wanting to make this lemon loaf for so damn long but the house has been too hot to bake. I wish I didn’t sleep all day yesterday but I am glad I did as I’ve been so worn down with pain and not sleeping. This week I have back to back to back appointments the end of the week. I hope to be able to do something the next few days. I wish my mother would put in an AC but she doesn’t like the cold air. She had the ceiling fan on and made me shut it off because she felt cold. I don’t get it. I really don’t. I need it to be cold or I just melt. Wish I lost weight in the process but that is a different story.
One the followers I follow on Twitter asked if anyone was interested in writing a book. I responded that I had two book out on depression and suicide. No response. Another follower response and a publishing company contacts her. I was heated. Like what am I, nothing? I wouldn’t mind another publisher to get out there. It is a self-publishing thing so I have to do the promoting myself. Hence why I have done shit since 2016 when I published Darkness Always Wins. I have just sold like 3 copies on the website and maybe 12 via signed copies. A few I gave away to friends so they could read what I wrote and give feedback (which I never got). One friend said I had a bunch of typos and offered to fix the document but never got back to me. I use word so I don’t know what typos she was talking about. I don’t use the grammar function as I talk like I speak and if Microsoft doesn’t like it, too bad. I miss writing other than my blog. I wish I could go back to my story that is in my head but I feel so suicidal that I don’t think it is worth it. I just feel that even if I write it, I doubt I would want to share it with the world. Hell, just writing one page was emotional for me and I couldn’t go on. That was back in February. Haven’t touched it since. I might have added somethings to the outline I am using but that is all. I don’t think I touched that since maybe March. That was when I gave up hope and writing and pretty much was set on killing myself sometime this year. Time is still moving and I am still here. I am not liking it, at all. So I just word vomit on my blogs and call it a day.
Doing whatever it takes to drown out the noise
My foot/ankle flared up about an hour and a half ago. I can’t sleep. I just am in pain for the second night in a row and I don’t like it. I’m not suicidal or even thinking about suicide but I don’t want to be here right now. If I could snap my fingers to die, I would do it.
I am listening to Luke Combs, “One Number Away”. I love this song. I found an acoustic version of it on YouTube and OMG it is so awesome. I need to see this guy in concert. He is phenomenal. I am listening to this song on repeat because it’s going through my head.
I opened my former therapist’s statement. I am no longer being charged $525/month. But the final balance is over $16K. No way I owe that much and I am not paying her anything until the balance is more reasonable. I was able to sort out the problem with my credit card not issuing me a new card in my new name. I should have it in a few days.
I wish I had some crown. I miss having some whiskey. I may get it my next pay period. I do have honey whiskey but it goes down so smooth that I could finish the bottle without intending to, and that would be a bad thing, especially because I am on pain meds. But a shot or two shouldn’t do anything for me. I just have to be careful to spread out the pain meds or not take them.
I started a new book when I came home. It’s by Neil Gaiman called Coraline. I was going to read his book, The Ocean at the end of the Lane but Coraline seemed to be a better choice. I like books that are young adult as they are easier for me to read. I still have SE Hinton’s Tex to read. I might read that after Coraline. I have 8 books to go for my challenge. I hope I can do it. Last year I had to finagle the bagel to get my books read. I read 23 books last year. I changed my challenge to 25 to see if I could beat that record.
I am so tired but my foot is killing me. Think I will take an Ativan and see if I can get some sleep. I didn’t have any by my bedside so I had to get up to get some more. My ankle did not like that. OMG, I am in MORE pain than I was. I could fricken cry. Hate this fucking shit!!
One number away
I just got home from therapy. As I was walking to the train station, I heard for the 3rd time today this song, One Number Away by Luke Combs. It reminds me so much of my ex-therapist. I want to text her so bad some days and then I remember she never responds to what I text her so why bother. I’m no longer her patient. It just hurts knowing that part of my life is gone and it’s just hitting me hard today.
Therapy went ok. We talked about the frustrations of my neurology appt and dealing with my mother. He was again, responsive to what I was talking to him about. He is off next week because it’s holiday. It sucks that I have therapy on Mondays because holidays usually fall on this day. Nothing I can do about it. I kind of like seeing him 3 times a month for the next few months. Less copays.
I had an okay day. I wish I remembered to bring my pain with me. I usually take a dose while I am in the waiting room so I am not hurting really bad by the time I get home. I woke up in pain but meds helped. I took a shower and made breakfast. It exhausted me and I took a nap. I had set my alarm for 1230 so I wouldn’t sleep the entire afternoon. Alarm went off but I didn’t get up. I shut it off and went back to sleep. Thank god my cousin called me around 1330 to say he had groceries for me to bring up. I got dressed quickly as I didn’t want to go back up to my room after I brought up the bags. I wanted to leave. One of the bags ripped and as I caught it, the container of blueberries my mother bought flew out and spilled all over. My mother was upset. I brought the bags upstairs and then went back down to pick up blueberries. If my mother had fucking used the re-useable bags that I bought for shopping it wouldn’t have happened, but she never thinks.
I left with just enough time to wait for the bus. I went to Starbucks. Because I had breakfast, I wasn’t hungry so just got my espresso. When I got to the store, I realized I didn’t pack my pain meds like I wanted to. I also forgot my watch so I felt naked. I hate when I don’t wear a watch when I am out. There was a guy in that I sat across using his computer. He asked me to watch it while he used the restroom. I told him sure. He came back and did a few things on the laptop. He thanked me and then he was going out the door, without his laptop! He must have realized it soon as he was half way out because he came back to put it in his bag and grab his drink too. Airhead.
I got lucky to catch the bus when I got to the Square after therapy. Sometimes I miss this bus as the time is so close and I have to wait for the next one. I am really hurting because I didn’t take my meds. I haven’t had dinner yet. I probably will have the left over Manwich to use it up. I wanted to take the zucchini bread with me but I forgot it because I was so rushed when my cousin woke me up from my nap.
I need to get my haircut sometime this week. I wanted to save $50 and put it towards my name change for my next pay period. But seeing that my groceries cost me more than expected, I don’t have cash now to get it after my last bill was paid today. I am going to go to the website later today to print out the petition request and see how much it is going to cost so I can figure out if it will be next pay period or the following. I want to get it done before my next birthday because I need to renew my license and I might as well change my name then as it will kill two birds with one stone. I don’t think it will cost extra but it might. I’ll deal with it in Dec.