Category: mood disorders

in a cranky mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a cranky mood

I am in a lot of fucking pain right now and it’s causing me to think about suicide. This is the third consecutive day I have been in pain above an 8 on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst. I am going out of my mind. I have thought about paging my psych but I know she will just want me in the hospital and I don’t want to go. I am just feeling really bad.

I never worked on my blog project. I keep looking at the notebook and nothing comes. I look at the book but I don’t want to read. I am in the middle of a case vignette on how to use cognitive therapy. So far it’s good learning but I just can’t get back into the book. I don’t know what my problem is. It’s bugging me and making me feel like a loser. I set out to do things and I don’t follow through. Just like the suicidology book that I started reading that was a piece of shit. I was supposed to review that book but I never even read more than maybe three chapters? I know I started writing about what I read but I have no idea what happened to the notebook I was keeping my notes in so now I have to start all over. Pisser.

I’m trying to distract from my suicidal feeling by writing. My throbbing foot is not helping. I just took some more of my regular pain meds. I need a refill soon for those. I just emailed it in. It probably won’t get done until Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. Maybe I can take my niece to the hospital and have her see the Ether dome. I will be watching her on Tuesday.

I want to go to the museum of fine arts next week. I don’t want my membership to be a loss. I only went once so far. It’s hard to find the motivation to go. I want to see the Egyptian exhibit. It’s my favorite. The first time I went, I went to the gift shop and bought an Egyptian pen. It was a ceramic rollerball. It wrote really fine. I liked it but I kind of like my Jetstream better. It is smoother writing.

My cousin that has bipolar disorder called me tonight. He is going to give me some money so that I can order his a foam topper for his bed, the same kind that I bought. I don’t mind doing this for him. I have been meaning to add my new therapist to my bill pay, but I have been lazy about it. It’s a pain to do it because I have to do it through the web. I can’t do it on my phone. Logging in through the web is so much more difficult than the damn phone. It’s ridiculous. Every single time I log on, I have to have a “security” code sent to my phone to prove it’s me. Meanwhile anyone can log onto my phone and that is okay? I don’t get it. Then to add a new payee you have to go through this rigmarole. I think I will add him when I get my first bill. I just hope it’s reasonable. I can’t afford more than $20/session a week.

I’m feeling really cranky about being in pain. People always say to me they don’t know how I deal with it day in and day out. Frankly, I don’t know how either. It’s like it just became a part of my life and as much as I want it gone, it isn’t going anywhere. Which makes me feel so distressed at times that I want to end my life. It’s funny that the new therapist asked me what I would like to change and I told him I wanted to finish my degree and be a therapist. But that is only going to happen if I win the lottery. I feel so hopeless about everything else in my life. Pain just takes so much from me that it’s really ruining the quality of my life. I am just existing from day to day. I eat, sleep, take my meds, repeat the next day. I have nothing I look forward to except this blog and my readers. Some days it’s a struggle to write. I just don’t have the same thought process I once had. I think the meds are messing that up for me. But my suicidality hasn’t changed at all. My PTSD symptoms have gotten worse with each flare up. I stay up most nights wondering when I will sleep and if I will sleep through the night. It’s hard.

I think the only reason I didn’t grab a bottle of pills tonight is because tomorrow is Easter. It’s always the little things that keep me here. Maybe next flare up, I won’t be so lucky.

procrastinating Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Procrastinating Saturday

I woke up early this morning due to pain and a full bladder. I checked Twitter and one of my Twitter buddies posted that they saw hooves on April the giraffe. I quickly went to the bathroom and then checked Facebook to see if my groups had any info. They posted a link to watch the live birth and I clicked on it using my phone. It took a couple hours for this baby to be born but it was so amazing to see.

I wanted to work on my blog project but things kept on getting in the way. I was procrastinating and the baby giraffe didn’t help. It was a distraction but it also made me fall in love more with giraffes. My friend who is south of Boston started texting me as I was ready to start typing the blog. I just couldn’t do it. So I was texting my friend and his wife for a bit. We agreed to meet up next weekend. I haven’t seen them since January and miss them. Then my other friend PM’d me and I was bombarded between messenger and texts. My battery was drained due to watching the live feed this morning of the giraffe being born so I had to charge my phone.

The friend that PM’d me was telling me about her problems and I was sharing mine with the chronic pain condition that we have. I’m starting to think she is a little bit of a hypochondriac, but I could be wrong. We all want answers to our symptoms and will see what fits and what doesn’t.

Another reason I was procrastinating was that I got a pain flare up. My foot got cold and when I went to put on the sock, the elastic rubbed my ankle the “wrong” way and caused it to be in intense pain. I was seeing stars for a few minutes and then I could feel my ankle spasming. Hello Ativan and pain meds. My mother made eggplant as she is making eggplant parmigiana tomorrow. It smelled so good I risked going downstairs to have some. It gave me great pain but I didn’t care. I was hungry.

I got a text from Walgreens saying my prescription was ready to be picked up so I went. Bad idea. My foot is killing me and felt like I was walking on rocks the whole way and back. It was warm out so of course I sweated from pain and heat. I had to take a strong pain pill when I got home. I think that is the only way out of this flare up that I am in.

While I was sleeping, my android system downloaded a new update. It’s doing its thing now so I don’t have any more distractions while writing this blog. I don’t know why I have been extremely distracted today. I just don’t have the motivation to do anything and I know being in a flare up doesn’t help. I think I am going to try and read the CBT book later this evening. I had an eggplant sandwich while I was downstairs before I left for Walgreens so I shouldn’t be hungry later. I don’t think I will type up what I wrote for my blog project. I just don’t have the patience to read my handwriting and type. I did start a word doc this morning before the calf was born and then it just happened. The birth was pretty fast once the head came out. I am so glad I saw it. It truly was amazing to see. They haven’t named him yet, though some of the people in the groups want to name him Apollo. I am fine with that! It’s a cool name.

When I went downstairs to make my sandwich, my mother wanted me to get a baking dish for her. I think that is what set off my foot pain while walking to Walgreens. I had to put my weight on my foot to get on and off the chair. I don’t know why contractors have to put cabinet shelves so damn high that only tall people can reach them. Ridiculous!

I had another weird dream last night. This one included Wil Wheaton and his wife, Anne. So bizarre. Other than remembering they were in my dream, I don’t remember any other details. I have to take a shower but it won’t be tonight. I am hoping it will be tomorrow morning before Easter dinner. I hope my pain levels will be down by then. Being in pain the last few days has really taken a toll on me. I emailed my psychiatrist in desperation the other night asking if I could hack my ankle off. She didn’t respond.

I had a good talk with my sister today about things. We exchanged our frustrations over stuff. It was good to talk to her as we haven’t really talked that way in a while. She is always busy with her kid or husband so it is hard to talk to her at times.

Friday evening blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Friday evening blog

Other than writing a blog this morning, I have done absolutely nothing but eat pizza. I got my book and notebook to try and do some “work” but it didn’t work out for me. I joined some new groups on Facebook about the pregnant giraffe called April to see when and if she will have her calf. I didn’t know giraffe’s gestation periods were 14-16 months long. HOLY SHIT! She showed some abnormal behavior today so everyone is thinking she is going to have the baby this weekend. I hope so. I would love seeing a baby giraffe being born. I love giraffes. So for most of the afternoon, all I did was check my Facebook feeds for news and of course Twitter for my trump news. Boring ass he is spending the government money to pay for his resort and vacation time. I could see if he has done anything worthy of a vacation but I think we have our first Monday through Friday president in office.

It got really cold though the temp was near 60 today so my mother turned on the heat after I closed the window. My room is warm now so I have the ceiling fan on. I haven’t re-opened the window, yet. I got hit with a flare after lunch so I have been trying to stay off my ankle as much as possible. I don’t know why it flared up as I haven’t done anything today. I forgot to note the time I took my regular pain meds, which sucks because I don’t know what time to take them next. I might have to take the strong pain pill. I hate doing so because it makes me loopy and fucks with my sleep.

A friend in Australia has some wounds that are not healing for him. It’s because of bad circulation and nerve damage. I told him about Manuka honey and he bought a jar. I don’t think it’s the kind for wound healing so it’s not helping him any. I found some CVS brand bandages that I am going to buy for him and ship to him when I get paid next. I just hope they are big enough for his wound as it looks pretty big. He showed me the pics last night. They weren’t seeping or anything but looked nasty. It’s a good thing he is numb or he’d be in some mighty big pain.

Can’t believe my father has been gone for almost a year now. So strange not having him in my life anymore. I still expect him to call or I want to call him to see how he is and then I remember he is gone. I still remember the day he died as if it was yesterday. I never finished the story I wrote when I was in the hospital last year. I have not touched the notebook I wrote it on. It’s still in my backpack. His anniversary date is not this Tuesday but the Tuesday afterwards. It’s going to be a hard day.

Friday Morning blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Friday morning blog

I am watching my niece today because it’s Good Friday, a religious Catholic holiday. She has the day off from school, something that I never got when I was in school. Apparently, rules changes concerning religion so any time there is a religious holiday due to whatever domination, the kids have the day off from school.

Next week is April vacation week. I will be watching my niece on Tuesday as well. Today I will be ordering pizza. I don’t know what I will be doing Tuesday. Maybe I will take her to Starbucks with me, if she is willing to go. I was thinking of going today but my ankle is hurting kind of severely. I really don’t want to leave the house.

I woke up to a weird dream. I dreamed that I was in therapy with an older woman. It was our second session and I could barely hear her as she had laryngitis. My former therapist was in the room while we were talking. Then my teddy bear became a male toddler. He had just a diaper on him and was getting cranky because it was wet. I didn’t have another diaper but the therapist did. As I was changing him, he started crapping and it was diarrhea. I cleaned him up and he crapped green shit again. I got it all over myself. There was a shower in the office so I washed him and myself up. I didn’t have another diaper to change him. I felt like a bad father. I had no idea why my teddy bear became a live human. Anyways he walks to a chair and as I am telling him not to sit down, he sits and shit gets all over the chair. I pick him up and then I wake up, shaking my head. Weirdest dream ever.

I just ordered pizza and fries. Should be here in about a half hour or less. I can’t wait. I have been craving pizza all week long. I ordered a large so that my mother can have some, too. I usually order half because no one but me eats cold pizza. I don’t like it reheated. It tastes funny.

I am going to try finishing the CBT book that I started earlier this week after lunch. I should type up what I have written for the blog I am writing. I wrote it in a notebook on Monday. It’s an interesting book and I find it exciting to read because it stimulates my thought process. It’s a short book, only about 8 or 9 chapters and I am in chapter 5 right now. Reading it is not technical, least for me because I have a clinician brain. I am learning as I go as I am more psychodynamically oriented than Cognitive behaviorally. I can’t wait to write up this blog!