Category: mood disorders

what I forgot to mention

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

What I forgot to mention

If you are a frequent reader of my blog, I am sorry for the repetition. I had four back surgeries, total. The first 2 were done in 2001 and 3 and 4 were done in 2006 for the same reason. Cauda Equina Syndrome. Because of this syndrome, my new PCP thinks I have chronic back pain. I sort of do but it’s not an every day type of pain. It’s more that my ankle and foot are the culprit that is causing me disability than my back. And despite telling him this, he is hooked that my ankle/foot pain is stemming from my back, which frustrates the hell out of me because umpteen doctors have proven that it’s my ankle not my back that is the problem.

The PCP’s nurse called me today and asked how my back and ankle were doing. I wanted to hang up on her. I told her it was my ankle and not my back that was the problem. I had to explain to her that I have complex regional pain syndrome in my ankle/foot/toes. And that it was wrecking havoc with my sleep. I keep waking up in the middle of the night in pain. She called me back later this evening to tell me my PCP is thinking about prescribing me xylocaine gel to put on my ankle but hasn’t fully decided on it yet. I should know in a day or two. So I got out my over the counter Aspercreme Lidocaine gel and put that on because my ankle was hurting. Surprisingly, the pain went down 50% in a short amount of time. I don’t know if the strong pain pill that I took also worked at the same time I applied the gel, but whatever. I wasn’t in excruciating pain.

Then at dinner time, my mother was in a “happy” mood. I told her what I did today, about my writing and she said “why don’t I write about happy stuff”. I wanted to say to her because I am not a happy person but I didn’t want an argument. We had this discussion before and it didn’t go well. I felt really depressed after this conversation. Nothing I do pleases my mother. I just want to die. Maybe that will please her.

The damn birds have finally stopped chirping, least for now. I want to hunt them down and wake them up if they are sleeping like they have kept me up all damn day. I hate those fuckers.

I only put the lidocaine stuff on my ankle. So naturally, my foot is throbbing. I just took more pain meds. I might take another strong pain pill in a little while. While I was talking to my PCP’s nurse, I explained to her how I take the Neurontin and the strong pain pill. She wanted to increase the dose of the Neurontin. I explained to her how I take it and she asked if I took it every night. I do for the most part, even though I gain serious weight from it. Once the burning stops, I stop taking it though. I didn’t tell her that.

Busy day of reading and writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Busy day of reading and writing

I woke up in the middle of the night because of pain. I took my meds and tried to go back to sleep. Around 0300, the birds started chirping. I got so angry. They still are chirping now. I woke up to my phone ringing but I was too lazy to answer it. It was PCP’s office asking how I was doing. I called back and told them I was still in pain and having a flare up as I keep waking up in the middle of the night. The nurse thought that maybe lidocaine gel would be helpful so she just got back to me right now. My PCP is going to think about it and she said that if I need additional support to call her. I thought that was so sweet. She remembers when I first developed cauda Equina syndrome and told me to go to the ER so I am a patient that sticks out in her mind. She is a good nurse and I am glad she has been in the practice for so long. My prescription is ready for pick up so I will pick it up tomorrow.

After I made breakfast, I wanted to work on my blog project but the damn birds were chirping so I decided to take my laptop and go to Starbucks. I spent nearly four hours there reading, writing, and typing. I finished a chapter and a half in the book and about three chapters of writing about what I read. Sadly, it only came out to around 400 words, but I am not done with the book. I have two more chapters to read. I am happy with the progress I made with it.

On the way home, I tripped on my front steps. I didn’t clear one of the steps so I almost fell. Luckily, I was holding on to the railing. My foot is not happy with me right now. I am really tired. I came home and found there were checks for me. I just made it to the bank to deposit one of them for savings. I will deposit the rest tomorrow. I would have made a trip back to the Square but I am too exhausted. I am watching my niece tomorrow so we will go later in the morning and then have burritos for lunch.

I am utterly exhausted. My mother called me down for dinner. She made asparagus and eggs. I’m still hungry so I might make a frozen dinner or a bowl of cereal. Depends if the strong pain pill helps my ankle pain. I hope I didn’t do anything to it when I tripped.

Up and at ’em 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Up and at em?

I woke up at 0145, from a sound sleep, because of pain. Now I can’t get back to sleep so I thought I would write for a bit and see if that works. I took my pain meds, both of them. I am thinking of taking an Ativan but will see if I am sleepy in an hour once the pain meds have a chance to work.

My pain has settled down some but my brain has not. I decided to charge my Bluetooth headphones because it’s been a while since they were last charged. I have to watch my niece on Tuesday so I am thinking of taking her to the museum of fine arts. It all depends of how today goes for me. I want to make bacon for breakfast. Usually, that takes a lot out of me. I took two of my “extra strong” pain pills (Dove dark chocolate). It was yummy and hit the spot.

The damn birds are chirping. I don’t fucking believe it and it’s not even daylight out!! It’s 0300! Not even close to dawn. So damn annoying!! They even chirp in the evening too, usually at dusk. If I had a bazooka, I’d shoot them. Damn birds!

I have decided I am going to come up with a list of things to work on in therapy when my therapist is back from vacation. I think it will be a good idea so that there is a plan in place. We don’t have to stick with it but it’s something to do other than me talk the whole session about my past PTSD experiences and such. I know that he is collecting information about me as he doesn’t know me and I just expect him to. I know that is kind of stupid as he is new and doesn’t know a thing about me. Just wishful thinking I guess.

Dammit! I just moved my ankle and it exploded. My ankle down to my toes are hurting really bad. Damn pain syndrome! I never know what is going to cause a flare up and now I am again thinking of ending my life. It’s such a trigger for me to be in intense pain and then thinking of wanting to end my life. It doesn’t happen all the time but it’s happening more and more because I do have a plan to end it. Might not be the best plan but I hope it will work.

I am going to tell the therapist about this because this is the second time in about a week that I have had intense suicidal thoughts when I have intense pain. Maybe he and I can work on some kind of strategy to combat the thoughts so that I don’t resort to wanting to end my life. Dealing with chronic pain is so damn difficult. I never know what brings it on and it can be the slightest movement or thing that I have done a thousand times before but it sets off pain. It’s a real stress situation because you are always wondering if this time it will set it off or not. Like putting on or taking off socks. Or getting more comfortable on my bed while lying down and boom, the movement of my leg sets off ankle pain or toe pain. It’s so frustrating. It makes you not want to do anything but these movements don’t always cause pain so you are just confused and pissed off. Not that you want to be in pain every time you put on socks or take them off, but that the possibility is there.

UGH, I am getting annoyed and it’s not helping to go back to sleep. I guess I am angry that the pain woke me up from a good dream. I don’t remember it but it was something to do with being cared for. I felt really good in the dream, like there was a relief in it.

I have been thinking of starting my diet again of drinking protein shakes for two weeks. I don’t think I will start today because I want bacon. But I think I will substitute a meal for a shake. I heard that is a good way to lose weight. I would do a cereal diet but all I have are cocoa pebble and I don’t think that will help me lose weight because of the sugar in it. If I could just lose ten pounds I would be happy. It’s so damn hard to lose yet it’s so easy to gain. I know the Neurontin doesn’t help me. I can easily gain five pounds without even changing my diet too much. I think it’s mostly water weight because soon as I stop taking it, I lose the extra weight. It is frustrating because I need this medication yet I don’t want to gain weight from it. There isn’t another medication that I can take that works as well as this one. I have tried Lyrica and Lamotagrine. It didn’t really help the nerve pain at all and just made me sick.

I am glad my therapy appointments are in the afternoon because it gives me a chance to wake up and relax a bit if my night was shitty. It doesn’t always work out that way but at least I can go to Starbucks and write a little in my journal before the appointment. I can either go to the Square or Central because there is a Starbucks right at the corner when you exit the station.

I hope I go to sleep soon. It’s really hot in my room but with the damn birds chirping I know it will be louder if I open my window. That will annoy me and it will be hard to get to sleep. Maybe I will take a shower to cool off some. I am kind of sweaty, even though I took a shower yesterday. It might exhaust me some and let me go to sleep afterwards. We’ll see.

Easter 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Easter 2017

I had Easter dinner with the family and afterwards needed a nap, even though I had a cappuccino. I was just so full and tired. I had slept pretty well so I don’t know why I was so tired. No weird dreams today. It was warm so I woke up sweating because I was under my blankets. It’s 80 degrees out so my room is hot, even with the ceiling fan going. I hate the heat. It is much too early though to put in the AC. Luckily it’s just for today and tomorrow the warm weather and then it goes down to the 50s or so. It’s supposed to be nice all week except for Friday. It figures because I have to go out.

Sox won 7-5 so I am happy about that. It was another comeback from behind win. I hope that isn’t the trend for the season. Sox are playing their typical early game tomorrow morning because it’s Patriot’s Day and the Boston Marathon. One of my childhood friends is running. It’s his 19th year and I am so proud of him. I have known him and his wife forever it seems. I am so glad we reconnected through Facebook.

My pain has been minimal today. I haven’t needed my regular pain meds for most of the day. I will take them before bed so I don’t wake up in the middle of the night, I hope, anyways. I didn’t work on my project because of family events. I’m going to try tomorrow. I might do some reading tonight. That nap gave me some energy. I don’t think I will be going to sleep right away. I just hope I am not up all night.

My sister and cousin made pillows out of my father’s shirts and ties. She gave my younger sister and I the pillows today. They did a good job.

Ok, maybe I have watched a little bit too much of Criminal Minds, but I really think there is a Charles River Serial Killer out there. Another young adult male was found in the river after leaving the Boston Garden. He was 23 years old. I just know that my nephew is NEVER going there alone. Just too many coincidences that are making me think there is a killer on the loose and the authorities aren’t saying a damn word about it.