Category: mood disorders

Random 334

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 334

I had a good sleep. I then made lunch. I heated up some ribs that I bought. It was half a rack and they were yummy. I ate the whole thing. I still am pretty full so I don’t think I will have anything else tonight. I might have cereal if I get hungry. As I went out on the porch to grab a soda, I found the box of cocoa pebbles that I knew I had. I didn’t put it in the cabinet. It was on the chair that is out there. In my recent grocery delivery, I bought three boxes so I wouldn’t run out. Now I have four. I just wish I bought some almond milk but by the time I thought of it, it was past the deadline to add stuff to the order. I will just grab it at Walgreens the next time I go.

I spent the day resting my leg and ankle today. I was in a lot of pain last night and had to take two strong pain meds to quiet down the intensity. I shouldn’t have gone up the stairs at the train station. I thought I could handle it. I thought wrong. Going down the stairs is easier for me than going up. And then having to walk to my therapist’s office was a killer.

Late last night, I emailed my psychiatrist to ask her if she thought I needed therapy. I felt like I was handling things okay since my other therapist basically dumped me. I really don’t know if going to therapy is going to help me at this point in my life. I have been going for so long that I kind of enjoyed the break. I am not saying it made me less suicidal or anything. I do know that since increasing the Zoloft dose, I have been able to cope with things better. Pain bothers me but doesn’t send me to a suicidal crisis every time I have a flare up. I have been managing my pain a little better, though I don’t really know what has been different. I guess being able to use my strong pain meds more liberally has been a help. Before that, I was just taking it when I was at a suicidal point. Now I take it before I reach that and the pain usually quiets down so I can manage.

My psychiatrist wrote back to me this morning and said yes, I need therapy and that I should be in it for six months. I cringed. That seems like an awfully long time to know if this is going to work or not. My biggest fear is being dumped again. I don’t have the sense that this guy is going to do that but I didn’t think that after 16 years, my former therapist and I would call it quits either.

My therapist that I am seeing calls losing my former therapist a loss. I try not to think about it much because it’s like this huge hole inside me. She hurt me a lot by ending it and not being able to work on what wasn’t working. Maybe we just reached the end of the line and there was nothing to do but terminate in the end. She still has not called me about my things being ready to be picked up. I definitely want my bears back. I don’t care so much about the paperwork and books. But I want my Johnny, Bucky, and Amelia. If I don’t hear from her next week, I will text her. Her billing still hasn’t fixed their error. I have no idea what I owe her and I refuse to pay her until it’s sorted out.

It’s that hour where my ankle/foot/toes go berserk. I am in pain, again, even though I haven’t done anything the past hour. That is the frustrating part of this condition, that I will be in pain if I do nothing or do something. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I need to take my night meds soon. I hope the nap I took in the afternoon didn’t screw up my sleep. It was a good nap, though I dreamt I went to China and the smell made me sick. Weird.

Feeling out of sorts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling out of sorts

I didn’t sleep well last night, despite being really tired. I woke up a few times during the night that messed up my sleep. When I woke up at 0530, I was in pain so took some pain meds. Luckily, I went back to sleep for a few hours. I heard my mother get up and turn on the tea kettle. I decided to make a cup of tea as I will be having my espresso this afternoon.

The new therapist got back to me yesterday and I have an appointment with him this afternoon. I am kind of nervous. I just want to clarify some things with him before I fully decide to stay with him.

I ordered some groceries and they will be delivered in a few hours. I really want to go back to sleep but I don’t want to be sleeping all day. I was hoping the tea would wake me up some but it didn’t. I just feel really groggy. It’s warm in my room but there are supposed to be storms this afternoon so I don’t want to open the window. It’s nice right now, a little over 60 degrees out. I will be wearing shorts today when I go out. I hope the groceries comes before 1300. I really would like to get out and get coffee to try and wake up. I feel like shit right now.

I took a shower last night because I was sweating so much. It was so warm yesterday and it got humid out. I hate humidity. The shower was good. I ended up having to take another strong pain med afterwards because my ankle was really sore afterwards. I then was groggy and fell asleep earlier than I usually do. I was just so tired.

My groceries came sooner than I thought and I put everything away. I had some lunch and will be leaving soon to catch the 1300 bus. I figure that will give me time to have my espresso and read a little bit while at Starbucks. I want to take a nap but I don’t think that will be a good idea.

I went to Starbucks and wrote until it was time to catch the train. By then it had started to rain and I was cursing because I did my hair. Luckily it wasn’t downpours so I didn’t get too wet. I met with the therapist and discussed my concerns. He seems okay with my suicidality but then, I am not in crisis so we’ll see how that goes. We are just getting to know one another. I told him my life history again, with a little more detail about my childhood and how I grew up with my father. I haven’t delved into more than physical and emotional abuse at this point. All in good time, I guess. The hour went by pretty fast.

I again missed the bus so had to wait twenty minutes for the next one. As I was waiting, a girl who looked to be around my niece’s age sat next to me and man did her hair smell, like it hadn’t been washed in some time. I had to get away from her because it was making me sick. On the way home, I stopped at Walgreens to pick up eggs for my mother. Now I am home and my ankle is hurting me so bad. I hope that I can sleep tonight. I still have to make a burger for dinner. It’s my last one. Tomorrow, I plan on making the ribs I bought. I just haven’t decided if I am going to have them for lunch or dinner.

tiring type of day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tiring type of day

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was up late because pain was keeping me from sleeping. I decided to do some grocery shopping and ordered a bunch of stuff. I am having it delivered some time tomorrow morning, I hope. When I did go to sleep, it wasn’t for long and I woke up in pain so had to take more pain meds. I woke up with a headache and needing coffee. I was also hungry so decided to make a burger for my breakfast. It was good. Then I made coffee and took a nap.

It wasn’t a restful nap because even while I was dreaming, I dreamt I was in pain. My ankle is really hurting me. I already took a strong pain pill before I fell asleep and I still don’t have much relief. I might have to take another one. I just feel so drained. My mother called me and wondered why I wasn’t out. She is starting to piss me off about this. I told her I was in pain and she got off the phone with me. I am so annoyed. All because she wanted me to go to Walgreens to get eggs. I wanted to go but I just couldn’t. I am in severe pain.

Surprisingly, my mood is not horrible. I feel depressed because it’s nice out and I can’t be walking around. I keep thinking about what the therapist said about suicide and how he deals with it. Something he said isn’t sitting well with me or maybe it is and that scares me. I have two weeks to mull it over. I’ll be making a list of questions to ask him so I don’t forget.

I knew today was going to be a rest day because I was out of the house for more than four hours yesterday. I am just not feeling so great today because of this hangover feeling I have. I know it’s probably because I didn’t sleep well last night, or really at all. I just want to take an Ativan and see if I can sleep soundly for a few hours. But I am running low on it so I don’t want to foolishly take it.

I was talking with my family member that has been having psych difficulties. I have been trying to get them to see a therapist but now they are feeling “ok” and don’t want help. I feel like bashing my head against a wall. This person is an adult do I can’t force them into therapy but it just worries me what they might have another paranoid episode and get worse than what they are. It’s hard seeing a love one suffer so much and your hands are tied because they need to want help.

I called the therapist I saw yesterday. I want to talk to him again. He said he had some times available tomorrow so I am hoping he still does. I just feel like I need to talk to him before he goes on vacation. I hope he calls me back.

way overtired and in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Way overtired and in pain

I had a really long day and I should be sleeping right now but I am so overtired that I can’t sleep. I thought I would write a little bit as they usually calms me down some. I wrote about what I did today in my previous blog so I won’t bore you again with what I wrote.

I should have brought up the book that I am reading. I am reading multiple books right now that I can’t seem to decide which book to stay focused on. I am reading Huck Finn, CBT for preventing suicide attempts, and Robert Lowell. I would try to read but sometimes that gets my brain stimulated and that keeps me up. I am also in pain, which doesn’t help going to sleep.

I didn’t do a lot of walking but I did do a lot of sitting, which I normally don’t do, or if I do, I have my ankle elevated. I didn’t have my ankle elevated at all today while I was out. Now it’s angry with me. I then went over my nephew’s house to watch a movie with him. Again I didn’t elevate my ankle. It didn’t like that. I had to take a strong pain pill because the pain was severe and I couldn’t take my regular pain meds yet. Then I got zaps in my foot. That was fun. I had them last night, too, in the same spot. Nerve damage sucks.

I took my meds late because I watched a movie with my nephew. It’s the second night this week where I took my pills later than I normally take them. I hope there isn’t any consequences for this. I hope the pain settles down soon so I can rest. Right now, it’s really angry with me and I know soon as I lie down it’s going to flare up. It’s so frustrating.