Category: mood disorders

New Therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New Therapist

I woke up early and couldn’t go back to sleep. I made breakfast after my mother left the house so I wouldn’t be bothered with her game playing or the loud TV. I wanted to catch the bus but I just missed it so I decided to go to the post office to mail a thing for a friend. The line was long and it was hot in the little office. The temp was close to 70 degrees outside and it must have been 80 inside. I was dying. By the time I was through, I collected my things and waited for the next bus. It was nice out so I didn’t mind waiting.

I went to Starbucks and got 5 shots espresso. My brain needed it as I had a headache and my brain was foggy. I tried writing in my journal but nothing was really coming to me. I decided to read my book so I read half a chapter before the writing bug hit as what I was reading was making my thoughts go wild. I decided I was going to review this book on my blog so I started writing about each chapter and my thoughts on the matter. When I was stuck, I started back writing in my journal. Before I knew it, it was time to catch the train. I was tapped out of coffee and writing.

I was still kind of early so I waited at the train station for a bit and let a few trains go by before getting on. I only had three stops to go so it was a short ride. By that time my bladder needed releasing so I hurried the therapist’s office building. I just made it to the bathroom and I had 25 minutes before my appointment. I was shocked I walked so quickly to the office.

I met with the therapist. He seemed really nice. He went over his policies and payment. I wouldn’t have a payment today because he couldn’t figure out what it would be so I will be billed. I was grateful because I am running low on funds. We talked for 45 minutes, with me doing most of the talking about myself and my condition. He asked questions as we went along. Then came the difficult part of telling him about my horrid suicidality. He was okay with it. Okay, great. I then asked what he does with suicidal clients and he explained what he does. I then asked if he had a contract of some kind. He said no. I thought that was a little odd, but I was okay with it. I really liked him and he seems willing to work with me on my direction so I have a new therapist!

What was odd was the female therapist that I left several messages to, called me back today. I was in a quandary as to what to do. But I made up my mind to go with this guy. His office is convenient for me and it’s in the evening so I am cool with that. I feel comfortable with him. We’ll meet again in two weeks as he is on vacation next week. Gives me time to process the session a little bit.

Sunday Blog 28

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 28

I didn’t do much today. I wanted to make bacon but I was too lazy to cook it. I had a bowl of cereal instead. I tried to go back to sleep but I just couldn’t. It was a nice day outside. I went to the basement to get some frozen dinners for lunch. I watched a little bit of the ballgame but it wasn’t interesting as the pitcher was lousy for my team. We were losing 3-2 last I checked.

I went to do my meds after lunch and realized I was out of my hormone pill. I quickly called that in as I needed it for tonight. I couldn’t miss a day. My blood pressure pills came in late yesterday so I was set with that. After a couple of hours, my hormone pill was ready to be picked up so I went. I was a sweating mess when I came home. I’m glad I took a shower earlier otherwise, I would have taken one when I got home. My ankle was upset but it wasn’t too bad. I didn’t wear my brace to the store. I got some more Vitamin Water as it was still on sale.

I filled my med box for the week and checked the ballgame. We are tied right now. It’s been a tied-untied game all series. I hope they win today. The Sox have lost the last two games. I have not been happy about this but it’s still early in the season as it just started. A fan from the Mariners is a moron. He/she is already looking forward to the 2018 season. I wanted to say something to them but I didn’t. I just shook my head in disgust.

I am sort of getting nervous about my therapy appointment tomorrow. I plan on catching the 1400 bus and grabbing my espresso. I also plan on writing for about an hour or so before I have to catch the train to Central. I was talking to my cousin about it and he is so dumb when it comes to the T. He thought I could catch two buses to get there. He just is so ignorant about it, it kills me. Then even when I explained to him that I had to catch a bus and train, he still thought I just needed two buses.

OMG…just checked the score and it’s now 7-5 with my boys in the lead!! YES!!! Hope the bullpen doesn’t spoil this lead for us! They didn’t and the Sox won their first road game! I am so happy. Maybe tomorrow we can kick Tiger ass and have a tied series.

My mom made peas and macaroni for supper. It was good. My middle sister was over so we all ate together. My sister was telling me about her son having some difficulties. I feel bad because I hate seeing him hurting and he is too stubborn to seek help. After supper, I felt sleepy and tried to sleep but my damn foot and leg wanted no part of it. I had already taken my regular pain meds and was contemplating taking the strong pain pill. But it seems to have settled down on it’s own once I shifted my leg. My foot still hurts but there is nothing I can really do for it.

It’s cold in the house despite it being like 60 degrees outside. My front porch is warmer than the living room. I don’t understand why the house gets so damn cold in warm weather. I wish it stayed like that during the summer but my mother opens the windows and back door to let the hot air in the house. Long as I have my AC in my window, I am happy.

Feeling sad about things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling sad about things

A family member came over the house today to talk to me to prove they “weren’t crazy”. The more this person talked to me, the weirder they sounded. I really think this person is developing schizophrenia of some sort. The person’s thinking is all messed up and now they think they have a “spiritual connection”. I just feel really sad because I know schizophrenia is a tough disorder to have.

A year ago today my father was placed in the nursing home and that started his down hill slide toward death. This month is just going to suck for me. Easter is coming up and that used to be my favorite holiday. My favorite Aunt’s birthday was this month. She has been dead for more than ten years but I always remember Easter being her favorite holiday. It sucked when she passed. And now my father’s anniversary death. It’s weird that now that he is gone, I just want to tell him things I never told him, just to give me a piece of mind. Instead I just remember staring at him with disgust on his death bed. It was the last long look I had of him before he died as he died soon after. His death was that quick.

I watched my niece tonight. Her mother suggested I watch a movie with her. I never saw the movie Ratatoulle so we watched that. It was a cute little movie. After the movie, I played on my phone, going through Facebook and Twitter. While scrolling through Facebook, I came across a video of the TV show “Friends” gag reel. I watched that and laughed my ass off. My niece started laughing because I was crying and my face turned red. She got a kick out of it. It was the first time I laughed in a while.

I put my niece to bed and then went upstairs to take my meds and then I started feeling sad again. My ankle was bothering me. My cousin PM’d me asking how I was. She wanted me to go to her parents for Easter and I told her my mother would be upset if I didn’t spend it with her. I think she understood. We are going to plan on going for coffee sometime soon.

Today was my youngest cousin’s birthday party. She is turning one and they had a party for her today. I wanted to go but pain kept me away. I was hurting too much from yesterday. I made pancakes this afternoon for lunch. And then after I had my coffee, I took a nap. I meant to clean up but never did. I know my mother is mad at me for leaving the dishes in the sink. Oh well. I also made a burger and left the pan. I hate cleaning pans. I just couldn’t stand at the sink because my ankle was giving me grief and I had to babysit. It was one or the other. I couldn’t do both. I wanted to shower today but that didn’t happen either. I will take one tomorrow morning. Mornings seems to be better for me to do things than later in the afternoon. It really depressed me that I wasn’t able to go to the party. I was so looking forward to it. I really wanted to see the baby. I saw pictures that people post on Facebook so that made me a little bit happier. It’s not the same as in person but this is the life of a chronic pain person. Living vicariously through others.

I am really tired but I can’t sleep. I have too much on my mind. I’m waiting for my pain meds to ease my ankle pain. It’s too late now to take Neurontin for the burning in my foot. It’s not bad but it can get worse tomorrow. I’ll deal with it then.

ankle foot bitch rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ankle foot bitch rant

I got thirsty so I reached for my water bottle. I didn’t move my ankle/foot at all but it was enough for my foot to explode in pain. I was seeing stars for about five minutes. I needed my strong pain pills. I took it quickly before the pain got worse. I had thrown on some thermal socks because my foot had gotten cold before this happen.

A little while later, my feet started to get really warm. So I took off the sock carefully as sometimes just the motion of taking it off can set off pain. Then I slammed my ankle down on my mattress without thinking and BAM! More fucking pain in my ankle now. I want to fucking die so damn bad. I am so frustrated.

The foot explosion caused me to have severe anxiety so I had to take Ativan to combat it. It took a while but my heart didn’t feel like it was going to leave my chest walls. I calmed down until the ankle exploded due to my carelessness. I must have place my ankle like that a thousand times and it never caused me such pain. Why tonight, I have no clue. I am in fucking agony and I want it to fucking end. I want to sleep. I took another strong pain pill and my regular pain pills. Fuck the consequences. I didn’t take more than the regular amount of each so I am NOT overdosing. I would NEVER do that because I am more afraid of Tylenol toxicity than I am of dying from narcotic overdose.

I joined a group on Facebook about chronic pain. One woman who also suffers from CRPS told me about Ketamine and how it helped her. There is one place in Massachusetts that does IV ketamine and it’s far from me. I don’t have a car so I doubt I can get to that place. Fucking A. I wouldn’t do it anyways as I don’t have a full blown case of CRPS, just the pain syndrome part.

I just had three pieces of my “extra” strong pain pills, Dove dark chocolate. It calms me down some. I relish the taste of the dark chocolate. I need to get more because I am running low. That will be an errand on Sunday. Tomorrow needs to be a day of rest or I will just be a wreck like I am tonight. I really wasn’t expected to be in this much pain tonight. I obviously did way too much walking and my ankle/foot did not like it one bit. I think the killer was making dinner. I really want another burger but it’s too late to cook and then I would have to clean up and I just don’t want to do that.

I emailed my psychiatrist about what went on because after my anxiety attack, I seriously thought about suicide. I wasn’t going to act on my feeling but the thoughts were strong. Then I started to think that I would be better off dead. I am such a loser. I know I have talked about killing myself for the last five years and have NOT made a single attempt despite my many plans. It pisses me off that I have not done so. The closest I came was taking a handful of my mood stabilizer one night, which lead to me being hospitalized a few days later. I am a moron. I should have ended things a long time ago yet I am still here to complain about it. What a loser I am.