Category: mood disorders

Errand Filled Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Errand filled Friday

I had a good sleep despite waking up in the middle of the night, again. I was able to go back to sleep, though I did ponder staying up and going to Starbucks at like 0400. They don’t open till 0530 so I would have had to wait and I didn’t feel like waiting so luckily I went back to sleep. When I did wake up around 0930, I used the bathroom and then brushed my teeth. I got ready to go out and catch the 0950 bus. I decided to have breakfast at Starbucks and write for a little bit before doing my errands.

The first place I went to was the PCP’s office to pick up my prescription. It was warm when I left the house but was getting cooler as time went on and the sun went away. While waiting for the train, I decided to start reading a CBT book on suicide attempt prevention. I plan on writing a review about it when I am finished. I should be done this weekend as it’s a short book and easy reading. The terms are a little complicated but are used consistently so it’s easy to follow along.

I got off at Central Square to check out where the therapist office was. It was a little farther from the station than I thought but definitely doable for me. There are plenty of benches along the way so if I get tired, I can rest. I just need to make sure I leave myself some time to walk to the building. It should take me about fifteen minutes or so to walk at a good pace. I was hurting by the time I made it back to the station and had to rest on the said benches. My back was hurting me from the weight of my bag for some reason. I might have to empty it out to see what is causing it to be so heavy. I have only a few things in it so I don’t know why it’s heavy or feels like it is. Some days it is and other days it’s not. I think it depends on my fatigue level.

I rested then caught the train back to my Square and went to the butcher shop to get my burgers. They were cheaper than the last time I bought them, which was good. I think I got 6 burgers for 6 bucks. They may be too big for the rolls I have. After this errand, I went and waited for the bus and read my book. I then went to Walgreens to fill my prescription. They didn’t have a long wait so I waited for them to fill it. I was getting really hungry by the time I came home. My ankle was hurting me, too. It was already fatigued by the time I reached the bus stop. If I didn’t have my AFO on, I would have been dragging my ankle and would not have gone to the butcher’s shop.

I am waiting for pain meds to kick in before I make my burger. I am really hungry but it will really hurt me to try and cook with my ankle hurting the way it is right now. I checked my email and my psychiatrist responded to my email. I had asked her if I should make a history sheet for the new therapist to get the suicidality out of the way so I don’t scare him off. She said see if I like him first. I thought that was good and replied saying so. If I don’t like him, there won’t be a point if suicide scares him or not. I’m kind of nervous that I will have to “teach” him suicidology and how I handle my suicidality in therapy. He might have a different approach, which I will be open to as long as we work together on it.

I’m feeling really fatigued from all the running around I did today. Last night I lowered the heat so my room didn’t become a sauna every single time the radiator came on. Now my room is cold but I am not turning the heat up. I will just had layers and for the first time all winter, I turned off the ceiling fan. My mother thinks I am going through the “change” because I have been so damn hot lately. No, it’s because the heat in my room is making me crazy. My room is the hottest because I keep my door closed 90% of the time. The heat was making me feel sick. I don’t tolerate it well since having my nerve injury.

rough rainy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rough rainy day

Seems the weather is playing a role with me having migraines. It’s been raining on and off all day, with downpours at times. My head just exploded about two hours ago. I should have known something was going to happen when I got a pain in my neck. My migraines are so unpredictable. I never know when I am going to get one. Sucks.

I called the male psychologist in Cambridge again. I found a different number for him so I called it. He returned my call and I have an appointment with him on Monday. I hope it works out. Seems like a nice guy and he takes my insurance. I just hope my suicidal history doesn’t freak him out and he refers me to another therapist. I will be so upset. I also hope he is collaborative because I don’t like therapists that aren’t. Wish me luck.

I didn’t do much today. I mostly rested my ankle. I woke up at 0300 in pain so it took me a while to get back to sleep. Then I woke up 45 mins later. Fucking sucked. I took a shower and that seemed to help me get back to sleep. I wanted to make pancakes but I had no energy. I just had cereal.

My PCP’s office called and my prescription is ready for pick up. I will go tomorrow. I also plan on buying hamburgers so I can have my burger. I have been craving one, a homemade one. I really want to use my Dijon mustard. It will be yummy. I will also scout the area where this new therapist is to make sure I know where to go. I have a general idea where the building is but I want to make sure so I don’t waste time. It’s been a long time since I been in that part of Cambridge. I used to go there a lot during my teenage years as I went to a church there. This was before my suicide attempt. Then I cut the church going altogether. I was mad at God with how things were going in my life at the time. I kind of made peace with him after my diagnosis with Cauda Equina Syndrome. I talked to a priest while I was in the hospital and it helped to sort things out.

And the rain has progressed to thunderstorms. Just lovely. My head is going to explode from the noise. I really don’t feel well. I had to take a Zofran to stop the nausea as my stomach was doing flip flops. My headache was clearing up but is back again from the pressure of the storm. My ankle/foot is hurting big time as well. So I am hurting head to toe, so to speak. Going to be an early night for me. I will be taking my night time meds soon and hopefully be asleep before 2100.

ankle has filed for divorce

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle has filed for divorce

I am thinking of renaming my blog, Ankle demons, as I seem to write more about my CRPS ankle than about my mood lately or being suicidal. Anyways, my brother in law took my old foam topper off my bed and I placed the new one on by myself. It wasn’t that hard but it took some spoons. I then put sheets on my bed which took more spoons. By the time I was done, I was hurting but there was still more I had to do.

I had two boxes that needed to go out to the recycle bin as tonight was trash night. I also took my dirty sheets down and washed them. I washed and dried my comforter. By the time I got back to my room and placed the comforter on my bed, my ankle filed divorce. It is hurting me so bad right now. I can’t even describe the pain. It’s blinding pain. I just hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom because it really won’t like going up and down stairs one more time. I am thinking of wearing a diaper but am scared it will leak through. I don’t think I can pee in a diaper anyways but the thought has crossed my mind.

While changing my pillow cases, I noticed some holes in my favorite pillow. The two pillows that have been on my bed have lasted through a lot of years. I think it’s time to get new pillows. I have to be careful though because I bought a nice “firm” pillow one time and it shrunk to nothing within a week. It became so flat I couldn’t sleep on it anymore. I might as well just sleep without one. That will be next month’s expense. I already went over my budget this month with buying new sheets and the topper.

I should be listening to the ball game going on but I am so damn tired and in so much pain that it’s just not happening. I am checking the score though. It was scoreless at the bottom of the 3rd. The new guy Sale is pitching. Hope he lives up to the hype people have been giving him. The Boston Bruins (hockey team) have made it to the playoffs. Normally I don’t give a shit but this means they have playoff games which in turn means the baseball game is switched to another channel. I hate that. It doesn’t matter if I am listening to the radio because the station won’t change but if I want to watch the game, I need to pay attention to the hockey schedule, which sucks because I am not a hockey fan. The only thing I know about hockey is they need to place the puck in the net. End of story. Don’t care about anything else in between.

I hope tomorrow I am not sore but I might be. I did way too much stair climbing today. The weird part is that I wasn’t that out of breath the twentieth time I came up to my room. Watch tomorrow I will be short of breath every single time. Some days are like that though. I don’t know why. I think it all depends on my being tired or not.

awful night of sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Awful night of sleep

I tried to go to bed at a decent hour last night but a family member was having trouble and needed to talk to someone. We were talking until the late hours and then I couldn’t sleep because I was worried about them. I spoke to them this morning and they made an appointment to see a doctor today. I am happy about this. Least the doc can try and figure out things and refer if need be to the right resources.

My foot wasn’t bothering me until I decided to go out. Figures. Walgreens had some tissues on sale last week and they said the stock would be in today. I went and there was an empty shelf and no stock anywhere to be seen. I bought some vitamin water as that was on sale. I like the pomergranate stuff. I am really bad on drinking water. Yesterday I realized the only thing I had to drink was the coffee I drank and some sips of my Powerade for my meds. I just don’t get thirsty and forget to drink. Plus if I drink too much, then I leak so it’s a catch 22.

After I left Walgreens, I thought about catching the bus to the Square to buy some burgers. I bought the rolls when I ordered my groceries but haven’t bought the meat yet. I totally forgot yesterday while I was waiting for the bus. I didn’t have the patience to wait because I didn’t have my headphones with me. I just came home.

I am starting to feel discouraged because no therapist has returned my phone call from yesterday. I know it’s still early in the day and they may call this afternoon but I am so tired of waiting. I don’t get why people put themselves out on websites if they aren’t taking new clients. They should at least say so on the site so people know not to call them. I am just in a bad mood today.

I took a senna last night and it was not a good idea. I had loose stool again today. Now I need to be careful when I fart. I feel like an idiot. I am glad I am going because I was backed up for a while so all that stool is now out of my system. Least I hope so. But the cramps are the worse. I won’t be taking the senna tonight.

My room got wicked hot last night. I slept mostly with the covers off me. When I did put the covers on, I sweated. It was either freeze or sweat. There was no in between. I wanted to open the window but it was raining so I didn’t want water to come in. Today is better so I might open it later. It’s a nicer day though it’s cloudy. I like cloudy days. They feel more comfortable to me than sunny days. My sister is going to California for a few days because she needs the sun and warm weather. She and my other sister are going to Italy in June to see my relatives. I won’t be going because I don’t have the money to go. My nephew was thinking of going but it was too expensive for him. I can’t wait for the pics. I hope the weather is good for them during that time.

I started reading Huckleberry Finn last night as I wanted to take a break from Robert Lowell. I read a few chapters. I think I will read more tonight. Now that I have my bed cleared off, I asked my brother in law to help me remove the foam topper for tomorrow’s trash day. I hope he has time to do it. I would like to change my sheets.

I made coffee when I got up but I haven’t had anything to eat yet. My mother is making chicken for supper. I might have the left over Chinese food that I ordered last night. I am getting hungry. I really want a burger. Tomorrow I am going to buy them and make them at home! I am determined to do this. Otherwise, the rolls are going to go bad and I wasted my money.