Category: mood disorders

Blah Rainy Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Blah rainy Tuesday

I woke up early in pain. I took meds and basically went back to sleep until the afternoon. I thought about getting dressed and going out but it was raining and I hate being out in the rain. It’s fine if I am not going anywhere or if I absolutely need to go out, but I didn’t meet that criteria so I just stayed home. I made coffee when I got up and finished the last piece that was in the cake dish of my Nantucket cranberry cake. It was good with coffee. I have two pieces left, the pieces I was supposed to take with me yesterday to my psych appt. Oh well.

My psych emailed me some centers that I can try. One is a definite no as it’s a women’s health center that mostly deals with domestic violence. The one that is in my town, I left a message and am waiting for a callback. I don’t think they will take me because of my suicidal history but we’ll see. The other place I am not familiar with and is in Cambridge. I googled them and they primarily do CBT work. I don’t know if I want to go down that avenue, yet. My last resort psychologist I just left a message because I was feeling gutsy. If he doesn’t call me back, at least I tried.

I feel really depressed today and I don’t know why. I made two phone calls. One to the therapy place and the other to set up a memorial mass for my father. I really didn’t want to do this but my sister has a weird way of doing things so I just said I will do it. My middle sister then wants me to call to see if the mass will be in Creole. I didn’t ask and the guy didn’t say. She pissed me off. She can call and find out if it’s that important to her. Around this time last year, my father was in the hospital for the last time before going to a nursing home to die. I vividly remember this. This is going to be a tough month for me.

I am not as sore as I thought I would be, which is good. Last night, I tried a new antihistamine and it was a disaster. I had so many side effects from it that it was horrible. I am never taking it again. I had to take a lot of Ativan to get relief from the anxiety it gave me. I didn’t go to sleep until after 0200. I will just stick with allegra and Flonase.

I bought the CD to the musical Hamilton. I started listening to it this afternoon. After a half hour or so I had to stop it. I didn’t like it at all. It was rap stuff and I can’t stand rap. It just makes hearing what they are saying difficult. Some people can understand it, I can’t. It just sounds awful. I am back listening to my country music.

Painful emotional Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painful emotional Monday

I woke up before my alarm and felt sick. My stomach was bothering me and I just didn’t have the motivation to shower or brush my teeth. I went to the bathroom and almost vomited. Was not going to brush my teeth then! I knew if I did, I would only puke some more. I went upstairs and set my alarm for another hour and tried to sleep. My mother got up and all hopes for sleeping went out the window. The TV was loud and then she played her dice game. I took some stomach medicine and shut my alarm off. I really wanted to cancel my psych appointment but I told my lab friends I would be by to clean out my locker.

I managed about an hours sleep and then had to run for the bus. The homeless man that is in my neighborhood started talking to me and this lady that sat next to me on the bench. I wasn’t paying attention to the bus and we almost missed it. I would have cursed him if the bus went by. My stomach was still not doing well but I had my espresso with soy milk anyways. I made it to my appointment with ten minutes to spare.

I told my doc about what went on this weekend with Amy Bleuel. She had seen the tattoos but didn’t know what they meant. I explained what they were about and that she died by suicide. I also said that I think the same fate is for me, even though I wasn’t suicidal at this time. It was tough to talk about my feeling about this with her but she didn’t judge me or freak out so it felt good to share my thoughts on the matter. She is trying to find a therapist for me and will be in touch when some names are given to her. No one at the hospital she is at does therapy. For the number one hospital in psychiatry in the country, I find this hard to believe. Apparently, they just do meds. Very unusual.

I left to go to the lab to see my former co-workers. It was sad being there. Some people I haven’t seen in a while and others I have seen whenever I visit. I found out a friend just had surgery so I will be calling her later today. I hope she picks up. I emptied my locker. It was junk, most of it. I found a video I had totally forgotten about, The Importance of Being Ernest. It’s one of my favorite movies. A few books were there. I thought one of them was a book on baseball cards but it was on stamps. I tossed it in my recycle bin when I came home. It was almost 20 years old so it was out of date.

I stood the whole time I was in the lab. My ankle and foot did not like that at all. I was getting thirsty just talking the whole time, too. I had to get something to drink so I went to CVS and got a vitamin water. I would have bought just water but they didn’t have a small size just big bottles. I didn’t want a big one. I was hurting all the way home. I am glad I came home when I did because I had gas really bad. I trusted a fart and that was it, I shit my pants. I still had my jeans on so I am glad I wasn’t sitting on my bed. I went downstairs and had my mother help me undress. She was shocked I shit myself. I didn’t even feel it until it was too late. Something just didn’t agree with my stomach. I have been crapping water the past hour so I will be drinking powerade so I don’t get dehydrated. I took some Imodium. I haven’t eaten anything all day except for the espresso. I didn’t have time for a sandwich so I don’t know why my stomach is against me. I feel so downhearted because I shit myself. Damn nerve damage. I am glad I was home though. Crapping outside would have killed me.

I took a shower after I clean up the bathroom and my pants. It felt good to shower. My stomach still isn’t settled and my arse is sore. I hope the Imodium kicks in soon. I feel so humiliated. My ankle is hurting a lot because I keep having to go up and down the stairs. I know tomorrow is going to be a rest day for sure. I won’t be taking senna tonight, that is for sure. I still need to brush my teeth but I am feeling nauseous. Maybe I will later when my stomach settles down a bit.

My mother told me she is going to my Aunt’s because it’s my cousin’s birthday. I am on my own for supper. I might order pizza. I wanted to have Thai food from Boston but I forgot to order it before leaving the hospital. I just had eyes set on going home. I am really tired and my ankle is really hurting. I might have to take a strong pain pill tonight. I was going to take one this afternoon but I don’t want to be drugged going up and down stairs with my bowels being unpredictable. It’s weird I haven’t eaten anything all day and I am not hungry. Maybe I am getting sick of some kind. I just know the bowel incidents have left me feeling weak. I think I will take a nap and then order food.

Rambling Ramble on a Sunday Evening

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rambling Ramble on a Sunday Night

My legs finally stopped twitching. I had to take a Benadryl and some Ativan to quiet it down. It was awful because it felt like my whole body was twitching even though it was just my legs. It was really uncomfortable. I walked around my room to give me something to do. I then had to use the bathroom and when I came back to my room, it was a little better. My ankle is sore now so I took my pain meds. I was hoping to go back to sleep but I am too keyed up.

I might read a little bit. I am in the middle of a chapter in Robert Lowell again. I was reading for about 45 minutes the other day and couldn’t finish the chapter. It kept talking around in circles, again. This book is really trying my patience. I have about 200 pages or so to read, which isn’t bad, if I keep reading it. I am more than half way through the book.

I am kind of mad at myself for not getting my new topper on my bed. I should give myself some slack because I didn’t feel well most of the day. Tomorrow I need to see my psychiatrist and I need to leave early. I hope I remember the cake that I want to share with her. Think I will set my alarm so I don’t over sleep.

Tomorrow is Opening Day at Fenway. Can’t believe baseball season starts already. It’s a day game so I think I will miss most of it because I will be in town. I think I will get Thai food so that I will have dinner for tomorrow night. My mother doesn’t like it so more for me. I’ll also get spring rolls as I absolutely love them. I also need to go to the lab to pick up my belongings. It’s going to be sad because this means I am really out of my job, finally. I wish things could be different. But as the saying goes, everything happens for a reason.

Sunday Blog 27

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 27

I’ve been in pain most of the day. I tried sleeping it off but my mother was baking and needed help with some stuff. Then while I was resting, she screamed my name and that jolted me awake. She was okay, but needed help with dinner. I made dinner, ate and then went back to my room. I got hungry a little while later so I went and ate some more. Now I feel full.

I did my meds for the week. Because I wasn’t feeling good, I decided to hold off on changing the foam topper on my bed. I just don’t have the energy to take the stuff off my bed and then wait for my brother in law to help remove the old and replace the new. I am just too tired. Even now, I feel like I can fall asleep but I can’t because it will mess up my bed time sleep. It took me a while to fall asleep last night. I think I fell asleep sometime after midnight. I did end up taking a strong pain pill because I was hurting so bad. It was almost at suicidal proportions.

I took a nap anyways. I woke up when my mother went to bed. I thought it was late because the past couple of evenings she has been going to bed later than usual. But it was only 1945 so I was safe. I feel better now that I slept. I took my meds and hope I can get back to sleep soon. My allergies are acting up though so I have been sneezing my head off. I’ve been blowing my nose so much that it hurts. Hope I am not getting sick. First time in five years that I managed not to get a cold all winter long.