Category: mood disorders

some kind of blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I got a text from my therapist this morning that clarified that she did indeed cancel our session for this week, well that she accepted my cancelation. I just don’t feel like talking this week. I feel like we have been going non stop for months and I needed a break. Things will resume next week, if I feel like it.

Yesterday, I was in pain most of the day and it caused me to become suicidal, again. If I had enough pills, I would probably have done it today or tomorrow. I have to wait until next week when I can refill my script. I don’t feel suicidal today so my plan is mute, for now. Struggling with these tendencies has been harder and harder to deal with. I was so damn tired yesterday and no matter what pill I took, I couldn’t not get to sleep at all until the evening hours. I took two strong pain pills because the pain was out of this world. I just couldn’t get on top of it.

Today is my middle sister’s birthday. I did a lot of stuff on my feet that I am sure is going to keep me up most of the night. Chairs were limited so I stood most of the time. It went well. I think that was the first time I spent the whole party with my family without retreating to my room.

My ankle is still sore and my toes are throbbing. It’s going to be a long night. My depression is looming. I am tired but I know I am not going to be able to sleep. Painsomnia will keep me awake, I am sure of that.

I haven’t left the house all day. I am trying to recover from yesterday’s day of hell. Friday I have the appointment with my psych and repro endo doc. They are early appointments so I will be spending most of the morning at the hospital. It’s going to be a long day.

Case of the Mondays

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis

I hardly slept last night, which is getting to be my routine. my mother woke me up when she got up and then my alarm went off. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted to leave the house by 0830 but by the time the sheets and blankets stopped holding me hostage, it was 0835. crap. I quickly got dressed and ran to the bus stop. luckily I didn’t have to wait long.
The trains were severely delayed due to a medical emergency at one of the stops. I waited for 5 trains and they were all full. by the time the 5th train rolled into the station, I was supposed to be at my appointment. I said fuck this and took the bus to the Square. I had my espresso and breakfast. I was really tired but by the time I finished my sandwich, I missed the bus. Just my luck. I had to wait an hour for the next one. 

I decided to write in my journal but didn’t get too far. I guess CBT is not meant for me. I texted my therapist about the delays and missing my appointment. I also texted her that I was canceling our appointments this week. I haven’t heard back from her so I hope she isn’t avoiding me. she likes to play games with our times. drives me crazy.

I came home and my mother was watching TV really loud. I have been trying to sleep but my mother is making it impossible. She is baking and watching TV in the kitchen with the volume at full blast. I took some pain meds because the brace I had on made my ankle hurt and it still is smarting from last night, plus all the standing I did at the station didn’t help. 

I’ve been reading twitter since I came home. the delays from this morning are finally clear. Figures. I really want to nap. Meds are making me drowsy so maybe I will. I just need to block out the noise in the kitchen.Least there isn’t construction going on today. I would really lose it.

For the Love of Espresso

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

For the Love of Espresso

Yesterday, I made coffee at home and when I poured the half and half, there was shit on top. I asked my mother if it was fine and she said it was “cream”. Coffee tasted okay and I didn’t die as I am living to tell the story. Today, the curdling was worse and I wasted a cup of coffee. I was pissed because the half and half was a new quart that hadn’t been opened yet and had an expiration of Dec 21. I had a Neurontin hangover and I desperately needed coffee. But it was Sunday and there were no direct buses to the Square. I just missed the bus going near the Square, which pissed me off more. I had to wait an hour for the next one. I decided to sojourn in the opposite direction and take the trek to Station Landing, where there was a Starbucks.

I decided just to bring my book with me because I didn’t want to carry anything heavy as that would make the long walk more strenuous. I was feeling pretty good so it wasn’t much difficulty getting to my happy place. I stayed for an hour after having a sandwich and my much desired drink. I read to the point where Lincoln is elected president, South Carolina secedes from the Union and the Lincoln family enters the White House, along with Hay and Nicholay in tow.

It took me fifteen minutes to get back to the train station and to my stop. Not bad for someone who is disabled. Though by the time I was waiting for the bus home, my ankle was starting to throb and increased by the time I got home. I took a pain pill soon as I got into my room. My sister had invited us for dinner and I was just in time. I was kind of hungry from my travels so the timing was perfect. I had half a glass of wine before I realized I had just taken a pain pill. OOPS. I hope it doesn’t cause drowsiness because I don’t want to fall asleep this early. Last night I fought against the drowsiness and couldn’t sleep until nearly 0300. Anxiety from possible pain kept me awake. It was terrible.

I have my first session of CBT tomorrow. I am really nervous as I am more psychodynamic than a cognitive person. To me, this therapy is rigid and I don’t like rigid but, unfortunately, all the current research has lead to say this form of therapy helps those with chronic health conditions so I am giving it a shot against my better judgement. I hope the therapist is willing to work with me and not against me, with the “I know better” attitude. I will be out the door so fast if this is the case. I also hope that the therapist allows my therapist and I to work while doing this as an adjunctive thing. I have mixed feelings about this therapy and the process. I hope it will be a brief therapy, with kind of a relapse therapy sessions available if needed kind of thing. AND it MUST focus more on my pain issues than my depression as the pain is more debilitating me than the depression right now. I also hope the therapist isn’t going to freak out when she finds out about my suicidality. That is another element I am afraid of, being turned down because I am “too sick” for therapy. I don’t know if this therapist is on the up that CBT can actually help suicidal thinking as well. I really hope I don’t have to be the professor either. She is a resident, not a full fledged therapist so we’ll see. If I have to resort to being a suicidologist to her, I will. I have a full library on the subject so I think I know what the hell I am talking about. I just wish I had the time to read Craig Bryan’s book about CBT in suicidality. Damn depression. Maybe I will take it with me and show it to her so to give her background that this isn’t my first therapist and won’t be my last that I have to “train”.

I had to further aggravate my ankle/foot by going downstairs again because I had to use the bathroom. I don’t know who’s brilliant idea it was to have bedrooms upstairs without at least a half bath. Sure it would make the bedrooms smaller but it would be a life saver!

Reading Report and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Reading Report and other things

I did some more things to help my mother clean the house for my sister’s birthday party this coming Tuesday. I am dead meat and I know my ankle and foot are going to have a war pretty soon as to which part is going to cause me the most pain. I took my meds so hopefully it won’t be as bad as I think it will be. I have gone up and down the stairs so many times tonight that I just don’t think it’s possible not to be in pain. And just when I swore off going downstairs unless the house is on fire, my bladder says “haha you’re funny”. I should have went the last time I went down but I didn’t have to go or thought I didn’t. My bladder thought otherwise, however soon as I was up in my room, all settled under the covers.

I read my Lincoln Boys book. I don’t know why every Lincoln book that I have read, by different bloody authors, in the last few years have ALL included the Compromise of 1820, the Missouri Compromise of 1850, Bleeding Kansas, and my favorite, the Dred Scott decision. What that has to do with Lincoln, I have no bloody fucking clue. He wasn’t involved in any of those decisions. You take it out, and your book is really shorter. Dear god, how about that!? And guess what, neither were the men you are talking about in the book so why are the fuck are you writing about it?? I wouldn’t mind it but it’s like beating a dead horse, the language is the same in all the books I read about Lincoln. Hell, he may have been around but he wasn’t in politics at least until after the Missouri Compromise. It’s just boring reading the same shit in every single book I read about Lincoln. Pretty sad.

I read three chapters of this book. It finally got to John Nicholay and his life. What amazes me is that most of these men were against slavery but they couldn’t stand the negroes. They didn’t want anything to do with them. Much like today, with the black lives matter movement. We as a white person, tolerate them being around but really don’t want them around. I don’t know why that is. It makes no sense to me. I have a few friends that I love that are black and wouldn’t treat them differently than I do my white friends. Then there are black co-workers who take their race to extremes and you can smell it a mile away. It sickens me because they also perpetrate the racism. It’s a two way street. You can’t have it just one way. And don’t even get me started on the “N” word. Every time I hear it, I seriously want to lose my shit. That is just disgraceful. It’s like being called bitch by your best friend every time you see them and then after a while, you start believing it because they are calling you that. It’s wrong. It’s not respectful at all, in my opinion.

The racism thing isn’t what my blog is about and if I have offended anyone, I am sorry. That isn’t my intention. I will say one last thing about it. It won’t go away until we respect one another as a human being. We all have the same blood, same organs, same diseases (well, mostly) and we are all fighting to give our kids a special place here while we can. I know the racism thing isn’t going to go away in my lifetime. But I am a Trekkie so I believe that one day we will all love each other as one and all be equal. LLAP (Live Long And Prosper).