Category: mood disorders

Games my foot likes to play

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Games my foot likes to play

The past few weeks, my foot has been playing these games with me. It will become really hot and painful so I take it out of the covers and it IMMEDIATELY cools down and stops hurting. Then it becomes cold so I stick it under the blankets, only for it to start hurting again so I take it out. This goes on for a while. It drives me crazy. One night I woke up with both feet on top of the covers and feet were freezing. Unreal.

I am getting tired of this game because I know one day it is going to stop and then I will be in more pain, unable to relieve it. I picked out another date. Fuck it. I don’t care, though tomorrow it’s supposed to be in the 70’s. It’ll be my last chance to end my life while the weather is fair. My luck my back will go out because the temp jumped 30 degrees and I won’t be able to go no where.

I did a stupid thing tonight. I was trying to fix my lamp and inside where the bulb is was a lot of dust. Without thinking, I blew air into this cup thing. As you might of guessed, the dust blew into my face and I was blinded for a few minutes. Thank goodness I had my glasses on or dust would have been in my eyes. Idiot I am. I did fix my lamp though, least I think I did. We’ll see later on tonight if it turns on.

I am in a sour mood. The Cubs won, much to my dismay. My foot is killing me and there is nothing I can really do about it. I took some Neurontin to quiet the burning but that is half the problem. I also took an extra Ativan to help me sleep but I don’t feel sleepy. I just want to fucking die. That will solve all my problems in one shot.

I can’t believe my foot is calming down after I took it off the blankets. WTF. Who knew that would be the answer to my fucking problem. Maybe now I can get some fucking sleep. I know I am going to be dead tomorrow because I did a lot of shit today. I probably will sleep all day. Maybe, with any luck, I will sleep through my therapy appointment. I doubt it though. I am usually too nervous to sleep past the hour and I usually set an alarm to wake me up. I hate being responsible.

I just don’t know what to do if my foot becomes cold again because this in and out game sucks and keeps me up. I would put a sock on but that doesn’t help. I’ll try it though, a loose fitting one. I don’t want a tight one like my BoSox slipper socks or a heavy one like my thermal socks. Nothing too constricting or warm. I hope whatever my foot is going through, it doesn’t last all winter long. It will drive me up the fucking wall.

I Voted!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I voted!

I got the Zipcar today and put extra time on it so I could vote early. Next week would have been difficult for me because I would either have to reserve a car or take 4 buses to the voting polls. I wasn’t going to do either. By the time I was done, I still had 45 minutes left on my time before returning the car. I got gas. There was a line. I didn’t know 1500 was the ideal time to get gas in my city. Every pump had a car. I waited as I had time to kill anyways.

I am sad that my childhood friend that moved to California and is visiting right now, I won’t be able to see. We probably would have if I didn’t go see my therapist. No matter, I will be having dinner with another friend tonight at the Thai place we like.

Therapy went okay. We talked a lot about my pain meds and how nervous I was about it. I had emailed my psychiatrist to email the NP about it because I feel like I will be in trouble otherwise. I just feel that the NP needs to know how much the pain is interfering with my mental health because it is so severe. I didn’t want to say it was causing me to be suicidal because that might cause more trouble than it’s worth.

Next week I need to go to Government Center to find out where the CBT office building is. We also talked about that in therapy. I am having hesitations about this form of therapy because it relies heavily on worksheets and such. The last thing I need is to write on paper at 3 in the morning what I am going through so this therapist has some clue. Nothing can be more clear than I want to die because the pain is so severe. I also hope that once they find out I have a regular therapist, they don’t stop this treatment. I am not going to choose between the two and neither is my therapist.

I had a nice night out with my friend. The Thai food was delicious. I ordered two spring rolls and was able to take one home for tomorrow’s lunch. I had a really nice time out though coming back my ankle started hurting. First time in a long time I had spent so much time out and in my brace. I knew it was going to flare, it was just a matter of time. I don’t need to flip a coin tonight as I already decided which pain pill to take. Friday can’t come fast enough.

depressing and psychotic day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s been a depressing day for me. I also have been psychotic as I was late taking my pill today. I went out earlier than usual to get my espresso. I woke up feeling really hungover because I took extra Neurontin, hoping it would quiet my pain. No such luck, but it helped me sleep through the night, so that is a plus. While I was at Starbucks, I wrote in my journal and edited my book. I have 100 pages left to edit. I probably would have done more today but I was really tired, even after drinking the espresso.

Before I came home, I went to Walgreens. My mother needed her prescriptions and so did I. I also needed to get some cards. I was hoping they would have spaghetti and meatballs in their freezer section but they didn’t. When I came home, I made some pizza. I didn’t have lunch at Starbucks, though I probably should have. I was starving when I got home. I had a bagel before I left. I guess the extra Neurontin is making my appetite horrendous like it always does. I won’t be able to take it tonight because I need to drive tomorrow. I don’t want to be hungover and drive. That wouldn’t be good.

I have been feeling weepy today for some reason. I think it was because I was hungry. I feel better now that I ate, though I still feel depressed. It’s hard to feel anything else when the voices are calling you an asshole. That is all they are saying, over and over and over again. This weekend I was a turd and a dipshit. Now I’m an asshole. I wonder what names they will be calling me tomorrow. It’s so tiring to hear them day in and day out. It takes a lot of energy to block them out, which is why I am so tired.

My pain levels are, so far anyway, minimal. But it’s getting cold in my room so that might change. Doesn’t help that I still have the AC in my window. I never talk politics on my blog because I am idiot when it comes to it, but I still follow what goes on so I have some clue. When I was at the party Saturday, there was a guy that said he was voting for Trump because he liked him better than Hillary. I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me. You are at a married lesbian party and you are voting for an antigay guy?? What the hell do you think is going to happen to your friends if he gets elected? Their marriage will be void, they might have to go through torturous conversion therapy or worse. But yea, pick the child rapist over someone who has fought long and hard for the people in this country because she deleted 33000 emails. PFFTT. It gets me really upset that men are voting for this idiot because he is, well, a guy. That is all I will say on the matter.

I will be voting, hopefully, tomorrow. I wish it ended the shitshow but I still have a week and a day before that happens. Not that it truly is going to end. Trump will find any reason to be in the news long after the election is over. The media just eats him up like candy. It’s sickening.

The cake that I made on Saturday is gone. My therapist will have the very last piece. I guess my mother liked it because she has been eating it as well. If I can find another 10 inch pie plate, I will make it for Christmas and/or Thanksgiving.

As I am running low on my medication and won’t get a refill until Friday, I have decided to flip a coin as to which pill to take. This sucks so bad. I wish my other PCP was still at my doctor’s office. I wouldn’t be in this mess that I am in. He listened. He cared. Now I don’t have someone who has my back. Man, I am so depressed.