Category: mood disorders

The Search For Pumpkin

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

The search for pumpkin

Today was supposed to be an easy day. I slept until 1430 and I thought I would sleep all day but I got up. My mother was cooking escarole soup and making meatloaf. I am not a huge escarole soup person but I will eat it. It wasn’t ready at dinner time so I had the meatloaf.

Before dinner, I decided to go to Stop and Shop to get my ingredients for my baking this weekend. Of I went and when I got to the store, most of the items I needed were on sale, including the pumpkin. However, there was no more 15 oz. pumpkin puree left on the shelf. It was all out. I couldn’t believe it. The only kind they had was a 29 oz. container so I took that thinking I could make two desserts out of it. I couldn’t picture making two desserts in one day but I didn’t worry about that then.

After dinner, I really wanted the 15 oz. pumpkin. There was another Stop and Shop at the end of Broadway, 2 miles away from my house. I decided to go there. If they had it, I would reward myself by going to Starbucks. I took the bus and hoped for the best. On the bus there were kids fighting over a cell phone and a toddler in a stroller that was crying to get out. So much for a peaceful ride to my stop. And of course, they had to get off at my stop. I got to the store and the baking isle was the first isle in this store. I was thankful so I didn’t have to walk all over the place looking for it. I hesitantly looked at the shelves for the pumpkin and they had it! I was overjoyed. I bought four cans.

I didn’t have a long wait for the bus to the Square to get to Starbucks. It had started to drizzle and it was humid out. I was wearing my PJs which could pass as sweatpants so I was really warm. I got to Starbucks and really wanted espresso but when all was said and done, it was after 1800, much too late for this lovely drink. I had a java chip frappucino instead. I walked to the bus stop to catch the bus home and it came fairly quickly. I was glad I didn’t have to wait long.

I came home and my mother didn’t realize I had gone out again. She is really deaf. Then I had to “yell” where I was and she couldn’t understand what I was saying. I was saved from having to tell it multiple times when the phone rang. Thank you whomever was calling.

I really hope pain is not going to keep me up tonight for going to two stores today. I didn’t do a lot of walking and my ankle feels okay right now but that can change. It won’t do any good to take my meds before the pain starts because it just doesn’t work for me. It used to, but the pain has evolved. I have been taking Neurontin the past few night to help ease my pain. I can’t tell if it is working or not. I don’t have that much nerve pain. I have been taking it to help me sleep but it hasn’t really worked real well for that either.

Did too much today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Did too much today

I took my oldest niece out for dinner tonight. Least I thought I was going to until she took the check from me. We had a good time and the food was good. I took her to my favorite Thai place in Boston. She loves their Pad Thai. I had their drunken chicken dish as I haven’t had it in so long. We talked about a lot of things and had some good laughs. It’s so weird that she is an adult and we can have an adult conversation when I used to change her diaper and put her to sleep. I miss those days, not the diaper changing though.

I was surprised I wasn’t hurting more than I was because I had gone to Walgreens to do an errand for my mother. My calves are still hurting a little bit from climbing up the hill to get to the Zipcar yesterday. It was a miracle I could walk at all today. I took my book with me to edit and read about 20 pages. I can’t believe what I wrote and how good it sounds. The parts that I wanted to delete I am leaving in because it just adds to the story of mental illness and the struggle with it. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was.

I was having fun editing, if that is possible. I was adding stuff and switching things around. Some things didn’t make sense or were too wordy so I rearranged it. The hard part is now I have to input these changes in the word document. I have made so many changes to this chapter of the book. I must have read it a thousand times and each time I find something new to add or take away. I guess it’s the perfectionist in me. I thought that part of me was long gone but I guess it never goes away. You always want things “just so”.

I might have trouble sleeping because I had 4 shots of espresso late in the afternoon. I went to Starbucks later than I usually go but I really have fallen in love with it. I had therapy today. It went okay. She said that I was “cute” in the selfie that I sent her. I told her I look like goofball and a couple of other choice words that aren’t politically correct to mention. I just attempted to take another one in the bathroom and it took several tries because I kept cutting my head off and just took a pic of the camera. I am so bad at this. I think I need one of my nieces to help me take selfies. I also told her that I don’t have Body Dysmorphic Disorder and she agreed but I do have elements of it, whatever that means. She is hoping that by the time my book is ready to be published I will have changed the views of myself. Good luck with that. Today she had me say “I deserve it” but I have no clue what she was talking about. I said it without any conviction or truth.

She loved the pumpkin fluff I gave her. She ate the whole thing. I couldn’t believe it. She has a worse sweet tooth than I do. She is going to go out of her mind when I make this next pumpkin goodie. I hope to make it this weekend, if I get my ass to the grocery store to get the ingredients. I hate that you can’t do small grocery orders online otherwise I would have ordered it already. You need to order at least 60 or 70 bucks worth of stuff before Peapod will deliver. I don’t need that much stuff because I just went shopping. I still am pissed they sent me the wrong pumpkin. Otherwise, I would be set to make this cake. I really miss having Star Market across the street from me. It was so convenient. But it closed soon after the super Stop and Shop opened down the street.

Last night was another difficult night sleeping. My ankle was throbbing like a robin. It didn’t settle down until I took a strong pain pill followed by some regular pain meds a few hours later. I wish I had a mini freezer in my room to hold an ice pack. I should buy disposable ones but that will get expensive. My foot was swollen so that was why it was hurting so much. It’s starting to throb now so I should take some pain meds. I haven’t taken them yet because I wasn’t in pain or at least my pain wasn’t intolerable. I always have a low grade pain but for some reason, night time always flares it up to a 6 or 7. Then when I lie down, it jumps to a 9 or above. I hope I don’t have to take another strong pain pill tonight. I have been using them more often and I don’t like to. It’s just that the pain has been so severe, I have had no choice. It’s either go over my daily allotment of regular pain meds or take the strong pain pill. Until I see an MD to manage my pain properly, I am just winging it the best I can.

Psychache Unreal

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Psychache unreal

I was listening to a few of my favorite songs and then psychache hit. Psychache is the emotional pain that you feel when basically every thing sucks. I was thinking about my father, the Sox, and other stuff and the psychache just became unbearable. I feel like I should take something for it but there is nothing for me to take. Pain meds, even Tylenol, are useless. Doesn’t help that my ankle is throbbing. Nothing like it was last night but I just noticed that it’s swollen and painful. Not a good sign.

I hate when my heart feels like it is being torn apart. It’s the worse feeling in the world. I had a temporary break when some things on Twitter and Facebook made me laugh. One was about a great dane that was trying to escape his house through his skylight. The picture was really funny. The second one was about Pavlov. It was a psych joke that really had me busting out laughing. I don’t remember how the joke went. I am never good at remembering jokes. I usually tell them in the wrong order.

I don’t really know why I am hurting so badly. Sure the sox season is over and I am still grieving for my father. I just feel like that has been old news for a while and why should it be bothering me tonight? I have been thinking of suicide again. While I was typing up my previous blog, I read about the treatment for BDD (body dysmorphic disorder). The article said that CBT is effective in treatment in most patients. Great. Another thing for me to have CBT. There is a book on it but I don’t plan on getting it because I just ordered one for managing chronic pain. I will have three books on CBT, all on various conditions. I don’t really believe I have BDD. Maybe some symptoms of it but not the full disorder. One of the examples they gave was about a person who felt there nose was crooked and people were staring at them. I don’t feel that way. I just think I am ugly and every body knows this. They know I am fat because I am definitely not skinny by any means.

Growing up, I was always compared to my cousins who were thin. They always said to me, why don’t you be like so and so. I couldn’t because my father kept calling me fat so I felt like I had a reputation and permission to be fat. I couldn’t let him down. And because he called me ugly all the time, I just assumed every body else thought so too because he was my world.

I had a surprise when I came home today. I found out I had leaked urine in my pants. I stunk really bad. I was so embarrassed. I changed and felt immediately down. I guess my mood has been sinking since then. It’s so tough because I never know when I am full and lately between all the meds I have been taking, it’s been hard to pee some times or know when I am full. Plus I haven’t been drinking too much so that just makes things harder and stinkyer. It’s because of my nerve injury that I don’t have a sense of my bladder like I used to. I lost it back when I got it the second time around 10 years ago. I always feel a loss of dignity when this happens. You would think that after 10 years I would be used to it by now but I am not. It still hurts my pride. It makes me feel ashamed. It really sucks.

Sleepless night filled with pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sleepless night filled with pain

I slept about three hours last night. I just couldn’t get comfortable because of pain and then I had to drive to my therapist’s office. I got some Starbucks before I left town. The pain was unreal last night. I had like four different types of pain going on in various parts of my foot and ankle. At one point, I had to keep it off the sheets because it was causing pain. I took Neurontin and my pain meds as well as Ativan. You would think that combo would knock me out but it didn’t. I didn’t go to sleep until 0530 or so. I swore if I was still up at 6, I was going to cancel the Zipcar and call it a day.

Therapy went kind of bad. We were talking about all sorts of things which were okay and then I brought up my book and how I should probably put a picture of myself on the back cover. I hate pictures of myself because I feel that I am really ugly and fat. I hate the way I look. She immediately goes into therapist mode and I am “diagnosed” as having body dysmorphic disorder. She wants to do exposure therapy to help me see that I am not what my head believes. Sorry, all my life I have been called ugly and fat. I don’t think exposure therapy is going to help. She got on her high horse, like this was going to be the mission for the next few weeks. I dread this idea. For one, I hate taking selfies. They never come out right and if I try to smile I just look like a dork. I think I look better with a serious face. Anyways, I don’t have to have a picture on the book but I was entertaining the idea.

I hate looking at myself. Even when I do have a photo of myself on Facebook or Twitter, it doesn’t last long. I can only stare at myself for so long before I get sick of it. So then I change it to a logo of some sort, usually sports related. I can’t even stand looking at myself in the mirror. I just feel so hideous. I even told my therapist today, I can’t believe she likes to look at me for 50 minutes.

I gave her some of the pumpkin fluff that I made. I actually gave her all that was left because I couldn’t eat it anymore. It was too rich and I couldn’t only have small portions of it at a time. I had some of it before filling the container with it. It was so yummy. But I won’t be making it again. I much prefer cake.

The ride home went well. I took the highway both ways so I made perfect time both ways, though I nearly got into an accident when I reached my town. Fucking driver just rolled through a stop sign and kept going. Idiot. I came home in plenty of time to return the car. But before I did, I had to eat something. I hadn’t had anything since 5 when I had some apple pies and whatever I had with the pumpkin fluff. Not enough to call it a meal.