Category: mood disorders

Random 815

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 815

I wanted to watch a movie tonight so I watched “The American President” with Michael Douglas again. I kind of wish HE was running for president rather than the shit bag Trump. Not that I have anything against Hiliary. I just don’t know if she has enough clout to win the election. It’s going to be scary either way because I have a feeling it’s going to be disastrous either way. There is no way to pacify an angry toddler.

I think I jinxed the baseball game today. A no-hitter was going on and at the time I tweeted, the fucking asshole A’s got a cheap hit on a replay review. It made me so angry. Then, somehow they fricken won the game in the 9th inning. That made me angrier. I couldn’t even announce that they lost the game, I was so mad. I still am mad when I think about it.

Dinner was good. My niece made gluten free brownies and they were so awesome. My brother-in-law’s brother bought a watermelon roll and I had two pieces of that. It was like eating slush. I miss having slush. In my hometown, we had the best slush makers. Lemon was my favorite kind. After dessert, I just went upstairs and watched the rest of the ballgame go to shit.

I did get a migraine and I reluctantly took a triptan for it. My eye felt like it was being impaled with an ice pick so I had to take something other than Excedrin. It helped the music, a lot. It’s now at a mutable level. I guess my psychiatrist knew what she was talking about. I see her on Friday. I hope that I have an appointment with my neurologist by then.

After the movie, I got really hot so I turned on the AC to cool down. It’s like 73 degrees in my room. I like my room cold. It helps me sleep better. I know it’s cool out but my room is my comfort zone. I can’t open the window because the AC is in it. I took my meds kind of late. I hope it doesn’t cause me problems. I have been taking my meds early, between 8-830 pm most nights. Tonight I took it around 930. I am kind of sleepy but I feel awake. Plus I have been sneezing so that is not helping me stay sleepy.

While I was at my sister’s, she was listening to country music, much to my surprise. One of my favorite new songs by Florida Georgia Line came on and she surprised the hell out me by singing along with it! I was like what the hell did you do with my sister. When I questioned her, she said she liked the song. HA! Another convert! I do have to get that song, because I love it too. But I am afraid of going on a buying spree. There are many songs on country radio that I really want but will be seriously broke if I buy them all. I already bought enough songs this month to last me until my next paycheck. I still have to get Blake Shelton’s new CD. He is one of my all time favorite artists. I have most of his CDs. Course the songs that are stuck in my head right now besides Kelsea Bellarini’s Peter Pan are the songs from David Nail’s CD Fighter. I have been listening to it non-stop for the last few days. Can’t help it. The music moves me and apparently, my brain waves. It does have me curious to see if I have a brain aneurysm or tumor or something with these weird migraine activities.

I haven’t shaved my facial hair in more than a month now. It’s getting a little out of hand. I just hate shaving. It comes in on its own due to a pituitary problem that I have. Course, once I start on testosterone, things are likely to get more hairy than they are now. I have followed some TG blogs. One blogger in Australia has had both types of surgery. He just had phalloplasty done. I am not sure if that is something I would want. I know I definitely want a double mastectomy. But I doubt my family is ever going to see me as a man. Part of the reason I want to kill myself is because of this. It will happen some day, just not now.

It sucks being atypical

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It sucks being Atypical

I just got off the phone with my psychiatrist. She thinks my musical “hallucinations” are not really psychotic in nature but are migraine in nature and that I should contact my neurologist. So Tuesday I will be calling to set up an appointment with her. I just hope they have fixed their phone lines because the last time I tried calling, I kept on getting a busy signal, no matter what time I called. I am sort of relieved that I am not as psychotic as I feel. The music is still playing in my head. A Reba song just started playing and I haven’t heard that song in months. It plays from beginning to end and then will start over again.

I am feeling anxious about all this. Hopefully there is something that can be done about it. My psych was hesitant to suggest any meds because I am already on a slew of them and some of them interact with what I am taking. I have a slight headache so I took some Excedrin. It usually works for my migraines/headaches. I am reluctant to take the triptans for my headache because of the interaction with the Zoloft.

My sister is having a dinner party. She is making lasagna and eggplant parm. I am not a fan of either of those foods, but I may have some lasagna. The funny thing is, she didn’t “invite” me, my mother did. I find this funny, but it’s typical. They just expect me to show up without asking me first. Course, it’s not like I am doing anything else today.

I realized yesterday that other than the book that I read on Thursday, I really haven’t been doing any reading the past few days. Summer is almost over and I am still not finished with Dostoevsky. I think the last time I read his book was last weekend. I really need to get cracking if I want to finish this book sometime in the near future.

Baseball is going on right now. There has been no score through six innings. It hasn’t been a pitcher’s duel as the Sox has been getting hits. Unfortunately, they just haven’t been able to score. Very frustrating as all weekend we have been kicking the A’s butt. As there is not a late game tonight, maybe I can go to bed at a decent hour. I kind of woke up late and have been really tired, even though I had my coffee. I feel like I could take a nap but that is bad at this hour. I might watch a movie. I bought “The Outsiders” and still haven’t so much as taken the wrapper off it. Only reason I haven’t watch it is because it’s a sad ending. It’s one of my favorite books and movies. Because of this headache, I don’t think I can read. I just hope it doesn’t progress to a full migraine. I might make a cup of tea. I haven’t had one in a long time. It might be just enough caffeine to stave off this stupid headache.

College Football Blues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, college football, depression, mood disorders

College Football Blues

I am not meant to watch my college football games for week 1 today. I have to get updates from Twitter or ESPN. I couldn’t even watch the UCLA game today because it was not within my network. I was watching the Georgia/NC game as I had my dinner. It was some kind of satisfaction I guess.

The past few hours, Peter Pan (song by Kelsea Ballerini) has been running through my fucking head and I can’t turn it off. If I don’t think about it (hard to do, by the way), it switches to a mumbling David Nail song. I think I found out what it was this afternoon but I seemed to have forgot it now. I had his songs on repeat to drown out the noise in my head. I texted my therapist that I just want my head to be quiet but it’s not happening. I forgot to take my trilafon at 1 like I usually do today. I get to take my second dose soon.

My Sox don’t play for another hour. The new rookie they have been raving about all season, Yoan Moncada, is starting tonight. I think he is from Cuba, which makes him special. We’ll see. I don’t buy into the hype. They always rush these players and then they are a flop. Like Benitendi. They rushed him up from single-A and then he hurt his ankle.

I am really upset I am not watching the Huskers tonight. I should have checked the schedule so I wouldn’t be so disappointed. But then, I had other plans for today. I doubt I will be awake enough to listen to the ball game. My favorite announcer has the flu so someone else is filling in for him. I’m not a big fan of his. I just don’t find his analysis interesting and his voice is just irritating. And my other favorite TV announcer isn’t on TV until the 15th so there is no point in watching TV. I am stuck just watching Twitter tweets or checking MLB.com. Sadly, I am paying extra in my cable bill for this channel I refuse to watch when my favorite TV guy isn’t on. I don’t think that is fair, but I have no say in the network. Only reason I haven’t cut my bill is that my mother’s channels would also be cut. She pays for my internet so that is the pay off. She watches TV and I have internet.

College Football Week 1 and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, college football, depression, mood disorders

College Football week 1 and other things

My Buckeyes did not disappoint! They are currently leading 70-10 and the game isn’t over yet! My only regret is that the game was not on a station that I could watch. *sad face*. The Nebraska game isn’t on until 8. Final score was 77-10. It’s the highest scoring home opener game in the team’s history. Go Bucks!!

I woke up with a headache and did not want to get out of bed. Then my crazy cousin kept calling me around noon so I got up. I was hungry so I had some pop tarts and made coffee. For some reason, it didn’t come out right. I drank half of it then made a bologna sandwich. I really wanted a steak and cheese but I am kind of running low on cash. My friend south of Boston invited me to go out to see her son perform and to have some donation thing for his school. So I need some money for that. I am trying my best to be budget wise this month.

A fellow blogger friend posted a blog about the importance of treating chronic pain. I couldn’t agree more with the article but unfortunately, addicts are making it wicked hard for those with chronic pain to be treated and we are left with “pain won’t kill you”. In my case, it most certainly will. There will be more suicides if pain is not treated, I can guarantee that. If you think the suicide rate is high now, just take away pain meds for us folks with chronic pain and see how high the numbers will be.

The other day when I picked up my prescription for the trilafon, I happened to notice the price without insurance. It was around $75 for 60 pills. I find this amazing because when I didn’t have insurance, the most I paid was around maybe $15, and this is generic. Big Pharma is really screwing the companies.

I have been really lazy today. I wanted to change my sheets, or at least attempt it. But things are still on my bed and I am sneezing my head off. My mother has most of the windows open in the house because she is washing the curtains. I am dying with the pollen. I am still in a rotten mood from the events of this week. But it’s September and my mood naturally drops every year at this time. It’s the close of baseball season and I always get into a depression. I also wanted to shower but I don’t think that will be happening. Foot is still hurting. I woke up in pain and my day just sucked from that point on.

I was thinking about what to write for my book but I still haven’t written anything. I might have to sit at Starbucks next week and write something. I can’t seem to have the concentration when I am at home.