Category: mood disorders

Games and Grief

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Games and Grief

There are two games going on currently, the Sox (baseball) and the Pats (football). The Pats are winning and my Sox are dreadfully losing. I swore at them in the first inning when the pitcher game up a 3 run homerun. I literally turned off the TV and said fuck you in front of my mother but I don’t think she heard me because I probably would have either been yelled at or smacked. I was so pissed off.

My sister asked me to babysit my niece and the game only got worse as the night went on. Better for the Pats, even though their star kicker missed field goals that he normally would have hit. So instead of being ahead by 6 more points we aren’t. I forget what the score is right now. 9-3 I think.

I am feeling really agitated and I don’t know why. I already have taken 8 mg of trilafon for the day. I have taken my night meds which includes an Ativan so I am waiting for that to kick in. I have stopped looking at Twitter for game updates. It’s either making me laugh or feel really sad.

My sister still has pics of my father hanging around the house since after the funeral. I almost lost it again today but held it together. It has been four months since he has passed. I was reading a blog about how I started drinking after my father was in the hospital for something that I thought was my fault. In the blog, I didn’t say what he was in for but it really upset me. The blog was in Oct of 2014. I think that was when he had a GI bleed.

My father has been on my mind the past few days. I still can’t get the last time I looked at him while he was alive out of my head. I had just given him some medication and just stared at him for a little while. He died probably not even a half hour after that. So surreal.

I feel really sad and have been fighting back tears for the last two days. Yesterday, I opened a drawer and found his hankies that I had taken while going through his clothes after we cleaned out his apartment. I almost lost it then. I had forgotten about them and did wonder where I had put them.

A friend of mine just lost her mother maybe a week ago. She is having a hard time with the loss. Everything she does reminds her of her mother. Cleaning out her house was the toughest. I feel her pain, I really do. No one prepares you for the loss of a parent. It’s not in any school and your parents certainly don’t prepare you. It just happens and then you are left wondering what the hell happened. Was there more that could have been done for him/her? You hope they didn’t die in pain. I know my father didn’t die in pain. He passed away peacefully in his own bed, just like he wanted to. And my father always got what he wanted above all else.

Needed to go Out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Needed to go Out

I woke up late and made breakfast. Afterwards, I got a little antsy so I decided to go to Starbucks to do some journaling and then go to the meat market to get some ground beef and hamburgers. It was really humid out due to the thunderstorms passing through the area. I couldn’t wait to sit and freeze my ass off in Starbucks. I wrote for about an hour or so then left for the meat market. Surprisingly, my ankle didn’t conk out on me this time around.

When I got to the station, I paid for my T-Pass for the month and then waited for the bus. As I was waiting my niece came over so we talked as we waited. The bus was really late. Come to find out, it was the same bus that dropped me off in the Square. It started making noises as we headed off and at one point, was going slow as molasses. I thought it was going to break down. Luckily, we made it to our stop and went home.

I am really looking forward to making my meat sauce this weekend. I bought 2 lbs. of beef. It is going to be so yummy. I might use three cans of tomatoes as I have so much meat. I really need to go to Stop and Shop and get some containers so I can give some to my therapist when I see her Tuesday. I have no idea where I am going to put the extra sauce as our refrigerator is pretty full between my shopping and my mother’s. I had a hard time putting my stuff away, and I didn’t buy that much refrigerated things. Mostly just bought non-perishables, like cereals, tuna, crackers, etc. I did buy cauliflower because I have been dying to have some. My mother will be making it tonight with the fish she is making. She wanted to sauté it and I was like, you can do whatever you want with it. Just make it, LOL

I need to shower as I am so damn sweaty. The house is hotter than it is outside. I am stuck in my room cooling off as it’s the only room with AC. I should have had something to eat at Starbucks because I am starving. But I wasn’t hungry at the time. I thought about getting something sweet but they really didn’t have anything appealing to me, which is odd because I always find something I like.

Rest Stop

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, disability, mood disorders

Rest Stop

This song has been in my head the past few days. It’s a song by Matchbox20.

I got notification of my grocery delivery won’t be delivered until after 2000. Sucks. I hate late deliveries. I just hope that I won’t be too tired. I made coffee today so I didn’t go out. It’s hot out anyways. There is a cloudy overcast so it’s not really sunny but it’s not cloudy either but it’s really bright. I hate bright days.

I listened/watched the ballgame that was playing. We lost 2-1. I was bullshit because if they didn’t have bad base running, we probably would have gone to extra innings. But the bats were silent so we didn’t get shit and lost the game.

Last night I was in a tough spot. Voices were driving me up a damn wall and so I reached out to a friend on Twitter. He shared with me a song called Topeka by Ludo and it really resonated with me so I bought the single. I thought about buying the album because I really liked the music but then I didn’t know too much about the group and if the rest of the songs sucked, I would be out money. It happens sometimes that there is on good song on an album and then the rest suck and then you are stuck with the rest of the CD. Happened to me more times and I just learned to pick and choose.

I was kind of suicidal last night. Pain was a huge factor. I had got all nice and cozy in bed when my ankle said fuck you, you aren’t sleeping. I took my pain meds like two hours before hand so I couldn’t take anymore, unless I wanted to take my strong pain pill. I didn’t want to because my bowels have been so messed up all week and I am just getting them back on track. So I bitched on Twitter my low mood and was cursing the world about my pain. I swear if it wasn’t after 2200, I probably would have gone to my spot and tried to kill myself last night. I swear I am getting closer and closer to doing it. I wrote to my therapist and told her she was basically useless in trying to stop me this time. And there is no stopping me this time. I told her I would understand if she didn’t want to see me anymore. It would hurt but she will be better off in the end.

Another song that keeps coming to my head is Daughtry’s song “No Surprise”. I really have to make an effort in there being no surprise that I kill myself. That is why I am working on the explanations of dying. I still have time, I think. I knew I would wake up in a better mood so I didn’t bother to email my psychiatrist. I was planning on paging her today about the trilafon situation. I am going to run out some time next week if she doesn’t call in another script and there is no way I can refill the script the way it is written. It would be too soon. I am so frustrated.

I need to change my stupid sheets this weekend. It’s always such a hassle because stuff accumulates on my bed and I have to take the shit off to change the bedding. I hate changing the sheets because I always hurt my back and it takes a day or two to recover. Last time it went fairly well because I was quick. But this time I need to wash the comforter so I need to place a blanket in it’s place until it’s washed and dried. Not my favorite chore to do.

Yesterday as I was feeling frivolous, I bought a membership to the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston. There is a Frida Kahlo exhibit coming up in the middle of Sept that I really want to see. It might take me a few visits to see everything because of my leg/ankle. I didn’t want to have to keep spending $25 a pop per visit so I figured a membership would do the trick. Plus it’s good for at least a year and I can go see other exhibits. My favorite ones are the Egyptians. I haven’t been to the museum in years. I remember the last time I was there, I got lost trying to get out. It must have taken me an hour walking around before I found the exit. That was before my back surgeries. I really miss walking around places. Don’t take it for granted. You never know when it’s going to be taken from you.

Shopping, Haircut and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I ordered my groceries and paid my bills this morning. It was too early to go to Starbucks so I just tried to sleep. Then my sister called me saying that my mother had gone shopping and would I help bring the stuff in. So I went downstairs and carried the bags up. She bought some of the same things I bought so I took them off my list. By the time I helped put the groceries away and stuff, I missed the bus I wanted to take so had to wait another hour.

I tried to take a nap but it was useless. I wasn’t tired after all the activity. I played on the laptop and then before I knew it, it was time to get dressed and catch the bus. Luckily Starbucks wasn’t crowded. I wanted espresso over ice but instead ordered a cold brew. It was watered down so much that it didn’t even taste like coffee. I was disappointed. Next time I will get the espresso. I wrote in my journal for a little while and then got my haircut.

I was going to get my T-pass for the month but it was close to the next bus leaving for home so I will do that tomorrow. My mother wanted me to go to Walgreens to get her stamps. If she had called me earlier, I would have gone to the post office. I don’t know why she likes Walgreens over the post office. It’s the same stamps at the same price. Doesn’t make sense to me.

On the way home as I got off the bus, my ankle kinked up on me. I had my cane with me so I didn’t have to drag it along for the next few blocks. I am reluctantly carrying it with me even on days that I am not hurting because I just don’t know what will set it off. Better safe than sorry. On the last block that I hate walking down, there were two bookcases that I so wanted to grab but there was no way I could carry one of them down the street, let alone two. They would have been perfect for my room and best of all, they were free.

I came home empty handed and took a shower. I wanted to get the excess hair off my head and shoulders from the haircut. My ankle didn’t like it but I needed one. I thought about shaving but I didn’t want to aggravate my ankle more than it already was. My mother was cooking dinner so I just had to wait for the food to be done. I was sweating when I got out of the shower even though I used cool water. It’s kind of warm today. I just went upstairs and cooled off in my room. I also wanted to give the pain meds some chance of working before going back down the stairs for supper.

I’ve had a long day and I am tired. I am trying to stay up to at least hear the game but I don’t know if I will be too successful. We won last night and are still tied for first place because the stinking Blue Jays won as well. I want first all to ourselves so I hope the Jays lose tonight.