Category: mood disorders

Mixed Messages

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis

Mixed messages

I was talking with a friend of mine tonight. I told her the deal with the trilafon and I realized that my psychiatrist is giving me mixed messages. She is okay with me taking up to 8 mg of trilafon a day but yet she is only giving me 4 mg a day scripts. I have 30 pills to play with. Some days I need 12 mg and I have told her this. I don’t know what to do.

The voices are telling me, of course, not to take anything. Fat chance of that happening. I take it when they are not “looking”. Today I was having musical hallucinations so I had to take something. 4 mg just doesn’t hold me the whole day anymore. It never really did. 8 mg is the magic number. I know that she is hesitant to put me on a higher dose because of side effects. Trilafon can give you nasty side effects worse than the 2nd generation anti-psychotics. But I never had those side effects while taking it. Granted, I have never taken the drug longer than a month at a time and my psychiatrist is being really careful with me. For the first time in over 20 years she did a mini neuro exam while I was in the office, checking for tics and TD and stuff.

I just need more pills so I am not anxious about running out of meds. I am good right now because I just filled my script but in a week or so, I am going to be running low. I don’t see her for three weeks and I have approximately two weeks of meds. That isn’t going to stretch.

I have never been good at asking what I need. It’s easier for me to write an email than it will be to page her and tell her what I need over the phone. Trouble is that sometimes she doesn’t answer the emails right away and there is no way for me to know if she read it at all. Least with me talking to her on the phone, I can get an answer right then and there. But it’s hard for me to say that I need more pills. I don’t know why that is but it is. I feel like I am asking too much. But in reality, I know that I am not. I wish I wasn’t in the predicament. If my doc had just written the script for twice a day, I would be set and wouldn’t be in the conundrum.

Another Two Errand Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another Two Errand Day

I was watching my niece for most of the day while my sister went to the beach. My niece didn’t want to go. I had to mail my disability paperwork and pick up my prescription from the pharmacy. My niece didn’t want to walk with me so I went by myself. My ankle didn’t want to go either but it had no choice. I was pretty sore when I came home. I didn’t want to go up two flights of stairs to get a pain pill as I was sweating and I knew that exertion would cause me to sweat more. So I dried off and then sat on my sister’s bed with the fan going as I didn’t want to turn on the AC as every window in the house was open.

Last night I wrote a very depressing letter to my therapist, basically telling her I was going to kill myself and she should let me go, that there is no point in continuing sessions. I really don’t want to resume therapy next week when she is back. I was talking with someone in a Facebook group about this and apparently, we both feel the same when our therapists go on vacation. She didn’t know my background though or that I was planning on ending my life.

I also wrote to my psychiatrist because the pain was bad around midnight and I was having a hard time trying to sleep. I haven’t heard back from her either. I plan on writing her another email saying the pain is better, at least for now anyways.

I’m finally getting my pizza tonight for my babysitting duties. I am so excited, LOL. I hope they make it greasy and cheesy. I have been craving this pizza for weeks. I need my pizza fix and I didn’t get it this month. Mostly because I miscalculated my funds. I hate when that happens. I am going to try to do better this month.

I am ordering groceries tomorrow so I don’t have to eat out. I just hope it lasts a month as I can’t go weekly shopping. I just don’t have the funds. Besides, ordering online is so much easier than having to go to the store and drag the bags up the stairs. Only thing that I will need to buy at the meat market are burgers.

Two Errands Completed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Two Errands completed

My foot was bothering me today, nothing compared to last week, but it was still hurting. I took a pain pill and waited for it to work. Then I took a shower. It tired me out so I rested for an hour. I had that long before the next bus came. I was going to go to the pharmacy but I kind of got side tracked because I got on the laptop. Next thing I knew it was time to catch the bus. I figured I would go to the pharmacy after my first errand.

I got to Starbucks and wanted to sit and write but it was crowded so I just decided to head into Boston for my errand. I needed to pick up paperwork for my disability T-Pass. I should have brought a stamped envelope so I could mail it out right then but silly me didn’t think of it until I got the paperwork. I could have gone to the post office when I got to the station and got a stamped one but I didn’t have cash on me and I felt funny charging fifty cents or so on my card. That will be tomorrow’s errand.

I waited for the bus and there was the homeless couple with all the things taking up most of one bench. I feel bad for them but it doesn’t leave much room for people to sit down. Bus was on time and we were off. I went to the pharmacy but they had a long wait time so I just said I would be back tomorrow to pick it up. Another errand to do.

I haven’t had anything to eat all day. I am hungry but I don’t know what the hell to eat. I really want pizza from the place I always go to but I am broke until Wednesday. This sucks living on a monthly check. Think I will make a tuna sandwich and some tater tots.

Sox game isn’t until 1900. It’s against the stupid Rays, a team I don’t like. They really have become more of a rival than the stupid Skankees. We are tied for first and I hope we don’t lose anymore games this week.

Restful Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Restful Sunday

All I did today was sleep. The game was on in the afternoon but I wasn’t awake to watch it. They lost 10-5. I am upset and glad I didn’t watch it. My mother called me a few times but I didn’t pick up the phone. On the second call I just went downstairs as I had to go to the bathroom. She yelled at me for not picking up the phone. Oh well. Then she asked what I wanted for supper. I didn’t care. I haven’t eaten anything since around 0530 this morning. I woke up and wanted a bowl of cereal so made it. Then I went back to sleep.

I haven’t been in too much pain today, probably because I haven’t been on my feet. Last night was just horrid in trying to get to sleep. Being in pain all the time just wears you out. I wanted to take a shower today but I think I will hold off until tomorrow.

I got feedback from the guy that sent me the Adler chapter. He was appreciative of my comments and of the typo I found as it wouldn’t have come up in a “normal” scan. I hope I get a free copy of the book when it gets published.

I sent the blog I wrote last night to both my psychiatrist and my therapist. My therapist won’t read it until she is back but she wanted a few blogs so I sent her that one. I haven’t heard anything from my psychiatrist about what I sent her. I told her I was safe, least for now.