Category: suicidality

4 July 2014

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicidality, suicide attempt survivor, transgender

4 July 2014

I am feeling better than I was yesterday. I am a lot calmer and not so jittery. Course, I didn’t have coffee today. I was too lazy to clean out the French press. I really didn’t feel like having a cup of coffee today. I slept really late and usually when I do, it’s way past coffee time. If I do have a cup, I will be up all night and last night I was up till 3. I don’t want a repeat of that.

My text numbers are going to be up this month because I am back at getting notifications from the Wheatons. They make me laugh with the stuff they post and I missed hearing what is going on in their lives. Wil has the Wil Wheaton Project and beer brewing going on. I am hoping to get another bottle of Wootstout again because it has chocolate in it!! Last time I tried to get it, I got the very last bottle in the store. I also want to try the Stone brewing Company IPA. They rave a lot about it in their tweets. I am not a beer drinker. Hell, I don’t even know what an IPA is so it will be interesting to try.

Because it’s Friday and the weekend, I don’t have to have a session with my therapist today. I am happy for that. If she ever works on Fridays again, I am setting a limit with her, otherwise, I might end up meeting with her 5 days a week! NO, NO, NO!! Not going to happen. Luckily when she was working Fridays, I had something called work to keep me busy. Now I have nothing.

I talked with a fellow blogger friend last night that helped me calm down enough to get to sleep. I was having a really hard time as thoughts of suicide were rampant in my brain. Even as I woke up this morning, I had thoughts of killing myself. But for the first time ever, I also had visions of being saved. That is weird and never happened before.

My foot is still hurting me. I have resolved to take one pill a day until next week when I can fill my script. This sucks. I have been thinking about going back to the hospital next week but it won’t do me any good. I will just do what I want until they kick me out. I know what to say to get out and I know what to say to stay in, though lately, that has been elusive and doesn’t always work.

I see my pdoc on Monday and I hope my menses are gone by then. It seems I just had a little discharge and that was that. Nothing more has become of it. But this bugger can be tricky and it has fooled me before. It went away for a day and then I was bleeding lightly. I was so fucking annoyed. I still feel like I am on a precipice. If I get my menses, I am afraid it will kill me and if I don’t, I will feel relieved. Trouble is, I am on my last week of pills so the perfect time to skip a week would be now. But that is just inviting the heavens to open up to kill me. I don’t know what to do. I think I should skip the week and then be done with it. Maybe it won’t be so bad and I can handle it. But if the bleeding is bad and I can’t handle it, I am screwed. I already have been having cramps. Not bad or anything, but usually that is not a good sign either. I wish there was someone I could talk to about this that understands and can give me some advice. Next week is going to be tough, either way you look at it.

blog views and self hate

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, transgender, writing

Blog views

Today I hit 25,000 views on this blog and I want to thank all that read it. Without your readership, it would not be successful as it is.

Last night, I was in a lot of pain. I couldn’t go down the stairs and I wanted a burger so I literally bumshuffled down the stairs to get to my delivery. It was a long wait and just as I was going to call, they called me and said my burger took a “field” trip. I don’t want to know what that means but the guy said he would make a fresh one and it would be on him. It was so good. I need to learn how to peel an avocado. I love them and especially like them in my burger.

I had a crappy sleep. I woke up at 0430 in pain. And it took almost three hours to go back to sleep. I slept for a few hours and then I had to get up. I had to run some errands before my father’s doctor appointment. I finally faxed my forbearance for my student loan so they can stop hounding me. Apparently being on disability is not a “hardship”. UGH. I just am glad they will leave me alone now, least for the next few months.

I really felt suicidal today for the first time in months. I am having severe body image issues. I keep bumping into things with the honkers on my chest and I hate the gap between my little stubble on my face. I really want to get it even so that there is no gap but no matter how much I shave in between, there is no hair growth. I hate it. I just want to be ten feet under. I haven’t thought of a plan to kill myself. I just want to die. No one understands and it hurts so bad to be in the body I am not in. I think if I were male, things would have been different. But no, I am transgender so my life has to be harder. I hate my life. I hate ME, period. I hate living life the way that I am because it is not me and if I am ME no one will accept it. No one will love me, not like many people love me now but still. I have no worth, no purpose. I hate the things on my chest. I wish I could cut them off for good. But I can’t afford it. If I had any brains I would save up for the operation but that is hard to do with disability. Plus, I am not sure I can find a good surgeon in the area that won’t leave me with an infection of some sort. Hospitals are breeding grounds for bugs these days. I am tired of fighting with my mind over this matter. It is time to put the matter to rest and the only way I know to do that is to plan my death. It is what I do best.

Power is out

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

Power is out

Our power has been out for the past half hour. I decided to write a blog as I won’t be getting distracted with the internet while I type.

I still can’t walk. I picked up my niece, relatively pain free, until I came home. Then my leg had a fit and I have been walking with a cane since. I can barely stand on my own. Any weight that I bear on my left leg sends it to spasms. I don’t know what I am going to do. I can’t stay in my room all day. My older niece is watching the younger one right now.

My prescription at Walgreens is ready to be picked up. I guess I can try tomorrow and see if I can walk there. I could do that now but I barely made it up the stairs to my room and I really don’t feel like going down two flights of stairs and then walking a few blocks to Walgreens today. It will kill me. I need to rest as I am out of “spoons”.

My room is getting stuffy but it’s cooler than the rest of the house because I had the AC on. I am hoping it comes back soon. Today is the first really hot day in a long time so I bet a transformer or something blew as the neighborhood is out. I just hope it gets fixed soon. I can’t take the heat or humidity. It just sucks. I thought about going to Starbucks to get my coffee but again, I won’t be able to walk there, not with this amount of pain that I am in.

It really sucks not having the internet. Hopefully this blog gets posted today. I guess that is an advantage of having a battery operated laptop. You can still use Word to get stuff done. I could edit my short story but without light in my room, that is difficult. I have the window blocked for all light because it hurts my eyes and I hate sleeping with light in my room during the day. I never know how I am going to sleep so it’s good that my room is dark.

Just had therapy. We talked more about my PTSD symptoms and medicating myself than anything. I feel guilty taking my pain meds but if I am dissociating like she says I am, I am obviously in a lot more pain than I realize. She said that it was okay for me to take my pain meds and that helped a little. She also said that I should use my stronger pain med to try and break the pain cycle. She is just looking out for my psychological interests because she knows if I start feeling trapped because of my pain, I will have a suicidal episode that no amount of medication is going to help me. Unless I overdose or something. She is trying to keep me as sane as possible. But I still am having anxiety about getting CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome, again. If I was still having the back pain I was having a few weeks ago, I would be in the ER so fast. But I am not. I just can’t bear any weight on my left leg and I don’t know why. I know it is because it is swollen and tender. But there is no apparent injury. I didn’t fall. No one hit me in the leg. I wasn’t in a car crash or other traumatic event. It just flared up on me and now I am paying the price because I socialized at my niece’s graduation party. I stood and walked too much around the room. Granted it was hurting me before the party. I had gone to a Sox game a few nights before. And this is why I am on disability. Because I can’t stand more than a few hours and I can’t walk more than say 300 feet in a certain amount of time. Monday I over did it with me walking around the world. Now I just have to rest my leg. But it is so hard being laid up. I can’t do anything. All I can do is non-mobile stuff like writing, reading, and watching movies. I hate being immobile. HATE it. But if I don’t stay off my feet I am in pain, severe, debilitating pain.

I would so order out tonight but that would mean having to go down stairs to the first floor and I just can’t do that. I wish you could order just a few things on Peapod (online grocery shopping) but you have to have a minimum of $60 to place an order. I don’t need $60 worth of groceries. But I am wondering if that will be a good idea so I don’t have to walk around the grocery store to get what I need. I am in such a pickle with money though. I like to have some cash around because some friends are coming up to see me and I would like to go out with them. But if I don’t get this pain under control, going out except for the house burning down is going to be my only option of leaving my room. Right now, I am trying to strategize how to get to the pharmacy to get my prescription that I need. I can’t do the little things so forget about the bigger things (going out with friends). Hopefully, I will have the car tomorrow so that will make my life a little easier. I still have to take my father to his doc appointment. Something I am not looking forward to because his doc is NEVER on time and I hate waiting!

Weird dreams again and the SSF

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

I am having a horrible day. My day literally started at 0100. I slept for a few hours, from 2200 to 0100 and I was up for the night. I went back to sleep around dawn. Was up for a few hours and then tried to get back to sleep around 0800 or 0900. Fail. I finally gave up around 1130. In the times that I did sleep, I had another weird dream about children and elevators. It was winter time and we were going to take the children sledding but the elevator malfunctioned and we ended up at a hospital that was at an airport. I don’t know what that is about. Absolutely makes no sense. Other than me possibly wanting to get away either through an airport or a hospital admission. I don’t know.

I had therapy and we talked about the weird dream and me not sleeping. I told her I am getting to my wits end. The heat is not helping. I still have to clear a path for my bro in law to install the AC. Maybe I will do that after I write this blog. We also talked about my suicidality and the need to attempt suicide. I don’t know why I feel like this. I just feel like everybody will be better off without me. I just feel so low and useless. I know my sister needs me because I have to pick up my niece next week. She doesn’t have the after school program anymore. But I just hope my ankle doesn’t flare up other wise I will be in pain and I am not looking forward to that. I just wish I wasn’t in pain every single day. I have not had a “day off” from pain in weeks.

So because I am thinking of an attempt, my therapist is taking out the old SSF to assess where I am at. She will do this assessment tomorrow. The SSF (Suicide Status Form) is an assessment used to assess and evaluate suicidality. In addition to this assessment, it also lists goals of treatment that both the clinician and client agree upon. The beauty of this assessment is that it allows collaboration in the treatment of suicidality rather than have the clinician be the expert. And the assessment is easier for the clinician as it also lists all the necessary documentation you would need for a session such as Axis diagnosis, progress notes, and date of next appointment.

The SSF was developed by a suicidologist, my idol, Dr. David Jobes. He developed this assessment so that clients that were suicidal did not get “lost” in the system and were treated as equals in their treatment, rather than have treatment as usual. To learn more about this, check out his book on the subject, Managing Suicidal Risk. It is a great book and also teaches you how to score the assessment at the end of the book. There are also classes you can take. His assessment tool follows under his framework, CAMS, Collaborating and Assessing Management of Suicidality. I write a lot about his work on my blog because I can’t stress the importance of suicide prevention. And this is one tool to do that.

So my therapist is pulling out this assessment tool on me tomorrow. I am not happy about it. I know how to “cheat” on it as I am the one to bring it to her attention. She is not proficient in promoting it despite my several attempts for her to go to Jobes’s workshops. She feels, like many therapists, that her training is adequate (it’s not) and she does not want to be a suicidologist. I am not asking her to change her ways, just add to her skill set. Every time she brings it out, I cringe because I know she doesn’t use it all the way through and that pisses me off. I feel like it is a waste of time because it is not used properly.