Category: transgender

cold and rainy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, transgender

Just had my session with my therapist and now I feel really down. I thought that talking about the week’s events would help but instead it just brought me down. I am supposed to go out tonight to have dinner with friends. I really don’t feel up to it. I can make the excuse of my foot bothering me but I need to go out. I have to stop spending so much time at home.

I don’t know how I became such a hermit. I guess having nothing to do all day will do that. I need to take a shower today. I have decided that I will take one every other day. I took a pain pill and now all I want to do is sleep.

I finished my paper for the AAS blog. I still don’t know when it will get published. I am hoping it will soon. I am really worked hard on this paper to get the word out on what it means to be in a collaborative therapy.

It’s cold and windy and rainy today. I really don’t want to go out in this weather. I just hate it. And I know it is only going to get colder tonight.

Just read on twitter that the Associated Press’s twitter account got hacked and sent reports that the White House got bombed. People are so fucking stupid. I don’t understand why they have to hack people’s accounts. I just don’t see the fun in it at all. Then I read in my support group, yahoo is still fucked up. They still haven’t fixed their hacking. Only way to do it is by telling them your account has been compromised to change your password to a strong one.

Tonight is difficult. I am in pain emotionally and physically. I got the stupid menses tonight. I thought I was bleeding but didn’t know for sure. Now I know and I hate it. I can’t stand being in this predicament. I hate having to wear women’s clothes again because boxer short just can’t hold feminine products. I am beside myself with anger that this has happened, again. I got to call the damn endo doc tomorrow and be like WTF!!! Just when I thought everything was going back to normal again and I could progress to my transgender issues this sets me back! I am so pissed…

my thoughts for the day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender

Today was a snow day. I didn’t go out because it was plain yucky out with freezing sleet and rain at times. I have to go out tomorrow so that will be better. I plan on taking a shower tonight so I don’t have to take one in the morning. Sometimes a shower can exhaust me so it is kind of good that I take it at night.

I started writing another paper on suicide. I don’t know where it is going but I decided to define some terms that I think will be valuable and then take it from there. I have to remember to put in copyright at the end of the paper so no one steals my work. I know it could be “stolen” anyways or parts of it very easily with copy and paste, but at least with the copyright it might prevent that from happening.

I made some progress with one of my characters with my game that I play. I am glad I did cause I didn’t think I could as I don’t play it very often. I have three Facebook accounts for this game so I can get the stuff I need to play. Between the four accounts, I use it to advance in the game as best I can. Course I have other player that help out too, but not so much for my other accounts.

Because today was a snow day, I didn’t have therapy this afternoon. I am glad because I was already in a bad mood this morning. I really wanted to go out today but I couldn’t because of the snow. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get to McD’s and get a cheeseburger. I have been thinking of it every time it comes on the radio. I know they are bad for you and everything but they just taste so good.

I tried working on my book today but that didn’t happen. I need a break from it for a little while. It is stirring up too much stuff.

I don’t really want to go to group tomorrow. I just feel like I opened up tomorrow and I need more time to process what I said. I just feel really terrible that I talked about transgender and didn’t get a trip to the hospital. It was really weird. I thought I would go in the hospital because people don’t talk about it. My therapist was telling me that Kelly Curic had done a segment on kids that were transgender. That is all well and good but I didn’t have that growing up. I couldn’t express my feelings because it meant I would get smacked in the mouth. Nor did I have the words for what I was going through. I just knew that I was a guy at a young age but I was forced to conform to being the sex I was born with. I had to act like a girl. I couldn’t play sports I wanted to. I couldn’t wear the clothes I wanted to. I couldn’t even wear a baseball hat. My father threatened to cut them all up if he saw me wearing one. So I couldn’t be who I really am without having physical violence with my parents. It killed me whenever he threatened to destroy my property. I just wanted to die all the more. I figured what would be the point in living if I couldn’t be who I was. I envy the kids today that are getting the support and transitioning that they are doing. I wish I had that growing up.

ramblings 33

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender

Been thinking back on the past to write my book. I don’t know if it is a good thing or bad thing that I can’t remember the last few years at all. I remember some stuff but I don’t remember what classes I was taking at the time all this stuff was happening. What was going on at work. How I truly felt about things. My therapist has my journals at that time frame I am writing about now but there is no way I can go out and get them. I suppose I could go out Tuesday if I wake up early enough. It would be good to take the long drive. I miss being on the road but I just can’t afford a vehicle right now.

Today has been productive as I wrote a few pages about my past. It was difficult because as I said I don’t remember what I was feeling and I was trying to capture it again. I tried my best to write what I do remember and how quirky my therapist was.

I’m bored because the baseball game is not on until tonight. I was hoping for a 1 pm game. Just something to pass the time but all I can do is play my games. I could try cleaning my room but it is too overwhelming for me. Yesterday I slept all day. I had coffee today so I am pretty wired. I guess I could rearrange my bookcase and see where that gets me. I want to go out but it’s cold out. And I just don’t feel like getting dressed. Plus my stomach isn’t feeling too good so to avoid an accident, I think I will stay home.

I want to try and avoid a nap. That was my downfall yesterday. I should have gotten up and had coffee. Maybe then I wouldn’t have felt so tired. I really did need the rest though because of Wed and Thursday being days I really had to go into town. I had appointments both those days. My eye exam Thursday took forever. I swear I had the slowest intern in the world. I have to have visual therapy but I don’t think I can afford it. My insurance doesn’t cover it. It barely covered my eye exam. I had a $40 co-pay so that meant this place was out of network. Sucks. I can’t say that I liked the doctor or not. I barely saw him for more than a few minutes. If I can manage a few sessions with him for the visual therapy I think that I can manage that. But we will see…

Wednesday I had group therapy. It went well, I guess. I still felt really suicidal afterwards which I still have no idea why I do. But I managed to handle it without calling my therapist. I don’t know if it is because of the transgender that I feel suicidal or the fact that I am still being referred to as a female that is bothering me but I talked a little about where I am at with the transgender. I had little feedback but I was respected. I had a member tell me about breast binding and did a Google search. Those things are not cheap!! I don’t know if I can afford things anymore as my benefits are getting slashed. I don’t know what I am going to do. Even going to group next week is going to be tough because I am running out of cash for co-pays. I can probably get the money from my sister as I paid for dinner last night.

Now that the group knows I am transgender, I wonder if I can move forward and get the services for me, like getting the hormones but I have heard other transgendered folk having trouble because of their psychiatric illness. I hope that they don’t take my psych history into account but seeing as I am suicidal nearly every day, I don’t know how they can deny me. 85% of the reason why I am suicidal is because I am not a male.

I know I should probably take a shower but I don’t feel like it. I just don’t really feel like doing anything. I just want to be on the computer and maybe go out later for my walk around the block but that is questionable as it is supposed to snow. And it is bitter cold out. I hate walking in cold weather because it gives me bad back spasms.

Nemo, The Blizzard of 2013, New England

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, transgender, writing

Nemo, The Blizzard of 2013, New England

I have lived in Boston most of my life and the craziness every time the word “snow” is mentioned is wicked funny. People go crazy in the stores thinking the world is going to end. They buy ridiculous amounts of milk, eggs, bread and other items that will probably go bad if the power goes out during the supposed storm. I have been taking pictures since noon time to compare the accumulation for my friends in the UK and elsewhere. It is kind of fun doing so.

Right now I am installing software on my old laptop because the software is not compatible on my new laptop. I have to get a newer version for it but I am not going to pay another $80 USD for this software when my old laptop can still run it. Even if I did it would take me years to figure it out like when I first bought this software. I just wanted to burn CD’s. And it was complicated. I needed the 200 page manual to figure it out. I am not a software geek that is for sure.

On a personal note, I am a man again! My 7 and a half week siege of the menses has ceased. I can now go back to my manly clothing. I am so happy I think it knocked out the cutting urges finally. I still feel depressed but it’s just my normal level of depression. Though the psychache is still there. That has not lifted at all. I don’t think that ever will. It’s always there like a monkey on my back. I am going to try and work in a shower today. I really need it and then I can slip into my boxers again. I am so relieved that stopping the OCP’s worked. I was really getting worried that something was wrong.