Tag: bipolar disorder

blah day with pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Blah day with pain

I am having a difficult day. It’s hard to be moving. I woke up around noon. Ordered Chinese food and mostly ate the appetizers than my entrée. I will have some later, if I feel like it. I needed to go to Walgreens for my meds. I forced myself to go and regretted it when I came home. My ankle is really hurting me. I hope it’s better by tomorrow because I need to see my psych.

I need to change my sheets this weekend. The foam topper is sliding off my bed and I need to adjust it. I don’t know why this happened and hope it’s not a frequent occurrence. I don’t plan on doing anything today. Sox are playing early so there will be no game tonight. There is no score right now.

While I was out, I contemplated going to the Square to get some Starbucks. But I missed the bus and I would have had to wait a half hour for the next one. I didn’t feel like waiting. I also bumped into my uncle who read some of my book. He asked me when my third book was coming out. Ha, funny man. I am taking a break from book writing, least for now. I need to promote my second book a little bit. I have only two sales, so far and about 12 on the side that I either gave away or sold as autograph copies. I need a sales pitch and that is not my thing.

It’s 56 degrees out but it’s chilly with the wind. The house is cold but it’s always cold. My ankle is not liking it. Tomorrow is supposed to rain. I am not sure if I will be working on my blog project. Depends on my mood. I was really hoping to have it done this week but I’m dragging my tail. I seem to work best on Monday and then the rest of the week slides out of my control. I got a lot done. I just need to work a little more and it will be finished. Maybe this coming Monday I will work on it before I see my therapist.

I was going to shower today but I feel blah. I honestly don’t feel like doing anything. My ankle and foot are competing. I didn’t get the lidocaine that my PCP prescribed me because it’s oil based and would have stained my sheets. I will stick with the OTC stuff. It dries and doesn’t leave a residue. I have no motivation to do anything. My mother just called asking me what I want for supper and I don’t even know. The Chinese food I had is making me feel bloated so I don’t want anything. I should have gone to the basement to pick up some frozen dinners while I was out. Guess I will get them tomorrow.

Sunday is going to be a long day. I have to go to the 0800 mass for my father. I hope I can come home and nap before going out again. I told some friends I would meet them to feed some ducks and then go out to eat. I haven’t seen them since January and miss them. We might just go out to eat because there is rain in the forecast. It’s all dependent on the weather at this point. I hope my mood improves by then. I know I feel blah because my pain levels have been all over the place, making me miserable and tired all the time.

Sox won in the 10th inning 4-1. Sale didn’t earn his win despite playing really good. Kimbrel messed it up for him. I got some new Bluetooth headphones that were a deal on Amazon. I like the ones I have but I can’t use the remote function on them. I hope the new ones I can. It’d be nice to control the volume and skip songs rather than having to do so on the phone.

I need to get a haircut before Sunday. I hope I can shower tomorrow and then get the haircut after my psych appointment or before. Depends on my timing. I haven’t decided yet if I am going to get the same cut on top or if I want it short and spikey. I like having my hair long on top but it’s a pain to manage when I am not wearing a hat. I am trying to stay awake and not take a nap but it’s so damn hard. I am just so sleepy.

been in pain most of the day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Been in pain most of the day

I woke up feeling okay. I didn’t have a good sleep as I woke up around 3 or 4 in the morning in pain and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. My mother had cooked bacon so when I got up, I had what was left over and then had a bowl of cereal. Then when I got back to my room, the pain started. My foot was in agony. I took some more pain meds but it didn’t work. It maybe knocked the pain level a few notches but didn’t take it away completely. It was driving me nuts so I put some lidocaine gel on it. My prescriptions were ready at Walgreens but I had no plans to get them.

Around 1400, I started to get tired. I was feeling like crap and in a bad mood because I was in pain so I took a nap. My PCP’s office called right before I almost dozed off. It was the nurse I spoke to on Monday telling me my PCP had called in the lidocaine topical ointment. She explained how to use it. I told her I saw it in my list of meds. I had gotten a message from Walgreens saying my meds were ready but I didn’t know why. Now I know. The only difference between the prescription and what I have been using over the counter is a 1% difference. The OTC is 4% and the prescription is 5%. I don’t think there is going to be much of a change. I went to sleep.

I had planned on ordering Chinese food when I got up. I woke up about an hour ago and didn’t feel like ordering food. My foot pain was back. I heated up a frozen dinner and ate that. I need to go the basement freezer to get more as I used the last one. Hopefully, I can get some tomorrow. I bought a bunch of different ones so I wouldn’t eat the same kind all the time. I really like the BBQ pork one. It reminds me of a McDonald’s McRib. Doesn’t taste the same but close enough.

My sister ordered a dishwasher for my mother. She was not happy because she had no say in it. It’s coming tomorrow. My brother in law is disconnecting the broken one now and I can’t use the kitchen sink as the water is turned off. Other than washing my utensils, I don’t use the kitchen sink for much. I hope I can go out tomorrow. I am in pain now so I don’t know if it’s going to get worse or better as the night goes on.

I didn’t have a good nap. I woke up with my neck at a weird angle and it was pressing against my headboard. I don’t remember falling asleep like that. It gave me a headache and some neck pain. I took some Advil to make it go away. Other than sleep, I really didn’t do anything today. I thought about reading Huck Finn but I never opened the Kindle. It might need to be charged as it’s been a while since I have used it. If I go out tomorrow, maybe I can work on my blog project.

I’ll be taking my night meds soon. I still am feeling exhausted. Pain just takes so much out of you.

Random 999

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 999

I did a lot today and my ankle is thanking me for it. I did a lot of errands and went to lunch with my niece, who I was babysitting today. She came along for the ride to the various places I went to. I showed her the Boston skyline along the Charles River. She was in awe. We took the train in town as I needed to pick up my prescription at my PCP’s office.

I went to Walgreens twice, once to drop off and the other for pick up. I didn’t want to wait as I was hungry and wanted my burrito. I am pretty tired now. Last night I used lidocaine gel because my ankle was angry. I think I might use it again soon as it provided some relief. Not 100% but enough for me to notice. I am glad because I was running out of options with my meds and my PCP still hasn’t called in the prescription form of the xylocaine gel. I don’t know if he is going to.

The temp dropped. I came home to my room being ice cold as I had the window open and the ceiling fan running. Everything in my room was cold, including my bed. It’s getting warmed up a little now but my foot didn’t like it when it went under the covers. I should have shut the fan off but I wasn’t thinking. I shut the window as the temp is going to be the same for most of the week. Our spring days are over, least for now. It’s still a nice sunny day out though.

I was planning on making bacon this morning but my niece didn’t want it. I had already showered and felt tired so I didn’t make breakfast. I thought I would eat at Starbucks but when I got there, I wasn’t hungry. I just got my espresso and went on my way. My niece had a sip and she liked it. I will turn her into a Starbucks junkie yet!

Baseball is tonight. They are up in Toronto, playing the stupid Blue Jays. I wonder how many fans are going to be rude or disrupt play tonight. There is always something going up at the stadium. I don’t understand why people have to be stupid. I’m going to try and listen to the game. I haven’t listened all season, just been getting updates via Twitter or watching the game. I don’t know if I will be up for most of it as I am pretty tired right now.

I told my mother I wanted grilled cheese for supper. I haven’t had one in a long time. I can make it but I always end up burning one side. I can never time it right. It’s better that my mother make it. She does it really good.

I have fallen in love with April the giraffe’s baby. There was a picture of him and his father today and it was so damn cute. He got a complete check up by the vet and he is 5 feet 9 inches and 129 pounds. He is taller than I am! I have always loved giraffes. They are just so majestic to me with their long necks. When my nieces went to the zoo when they were younger and I couldn’t go because I was working, they got me a stuffed giraffe that I have by my desk in my room. I thought that was so sweet of them to get me this animal. I remember when my youngest niece was a toddler, we took her to the Rhode Island zoo, Roger Williams. Man, I was chasing her every where that day. She wanted to go her own way and didn’t want to leave for certain animals. It was a crazy day. I spent more than $80 in the gift shop that day. Nuts. Roger Williams is my favorite zoo. I love going there.

what I forgot to mention

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

What I forgot to mention

If you are a frequent reader of my blog, I am sorry for the repetition. I had four back surgeries, total. The first 2 were done in 2001 and 3 and 4 were done in 2006 for the same reason. Cauda Equina Syndrome. Because of this syndrome, my new PCP thinks I have chronic back pain. I sort of do but it’s not an every day type of pain. It’s more that my ankle and foot are the culprit that is causing me disability than my back. And despite telling him this, he is hooked that my ankle/foot pain is stemming from my back, which frustrates the hell out of me because umpteen doctors have proven that it’s my ankle not my back that is the problem.

The PCP’s nurse called me today and asked how my back and ankle were doing. I wanted to hang up on her. I told her it was my ankle and not my back that was the problem. I had to explain to her that I have complex regional pain syndrome in my ankle/foot/toes. And that it was wrecking havoc with my sleep. I keep waking up in the middle of the night in pain. She called me back later this evening to tell me my PCP is thinking about prescribing me xylocaine gel to put on my ankle but hasn’t fully decided on it yet. I should know in a day or two. So I got out my over the counter Aspercreme Lidocaine gel and put that on because my ankle was hurting. Surprisingly, the pain went down 50% in a short amount of time. I don’t know if the strong pain pill that I took also worked at the same time I applied the gel, but whatever. I wasn’t in excruciating pain.

Then at dinner time, my mother was in a “happy” mood. I told her what I did today, about my writing and she said “why don’t I write about happy stuff”. I wanted to say to her because I am not a happy person but I didn’t want an argument. We had this discussion before and it didn’t go well. I felt really depressed after this conversation. Nothing I do pleases my mother. I just want to die. Maybe that will please her.

The damn birds have finally stopped chirping, least for now. I want to hunt them down and wake them up if they are sleeping like they have kept me up all damn day. I hate those fuckers.

I only put the lidocaine stuff on my ankle. So naturally, my foot is throbbing. I just took more pain meds. I might take another strong pain pill in a little while. While I was talking to my PCP’s nurse, I explained to her how I take the Neurontin and the strong pain pill. She wanted to increase the dose of the Neurontin. I explained to her how I take it and she asked if I took it every night. I do for the most part, even though I gain serious weight from it. Once the burning stops, I stop taking it though. I didn’t tell her that.