Tag: blog

“Haylor”

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

“Haylor”

I have been trying to write for most of the day but I have been coming up empty. It all started while reading my blogs a few weeks ago and came across a blog entry about a psychotic episode. It happened the beginning of November 2012. I don’t remember it at all but I wrote about it, briefly. Like a few sentences each blog entry. I even tried to see if I wrote about it in my journal and came up with the same thing, nothing. Voldemort was my “best friend” and all conversation ended there. So I have been trying to fill in the blanks but I am not a bullshit artist. I wrote a few sentences more to make the paper 300 words. That was all that this episode amounted to. I really would love to expand this but I have nothing to go on. I even tried writing to my therapist about my difficulties hoping it would spark something and I would get something on paper, but alas, nothing. I just wrote the difficulty of writing and that was all. What I did learn through looking at my old journal was what set off the psychosis, which is interesting. I apparently misplaced my 8GB thumb drive and it was causing me considerable panic. In normal people, they would have a panic attack and that would be it. Not me. I became psychotic and apparently it took the form of Voldemort’s tweets to set me off. I wasn’t taking my anti-psychotic medicine at the time so I was more vulnerable. Losing this thumb drive was my life. Every suicide research article I ever read was on this drive as well as my papers on the subject. It would have been a huge loss and I was just sick with worry. But I did find the stupid thing. It was hidden under some papers and my “life” was saved. I made a few copies of it just so in case I misplaced it again, I would have it.

I did considerable research into trying to find out what the episode was about and if I wrote more about it. I still came up empty. Apparently Voldemort wrote a thing about Taylor Swift, calling her Haylor as she was dating a Harry at the time of the tweet. I have no idea what the last name of the Harry was. I am sure a Google search will probably yield it but I really don’t care. I tried looking back to his tweets from 2012 but they just went as far back as Jan 2013 and stopped there. I was so close to getting what I needed. He was active on his account but slowly tampered off. No wonder I was becoming so paranoid and thinking he was “tweeting me personally”. He would tweet several times a day. And now it’s every few days. Reading over the tweets weren’t triggering for me because I had no recollection of the psychotic episode. The only proof that I have of its existence is my blog and what little I wrote in my journal, which was only three sentences. For the days that I was psychotic, I didn’t write or blog. I probably was too incapacitated. If the psychosis had commanding voices/tones, I probably was too paranoid to put pen to paper for fear of being persecuted. And the last thing you want to do is piss off is a dark wizard. He might have been make believe to everyone, but for a few days, he was real to me.

The reason I was interested in finding the tweet about Taylor was because he “made me” listen to her songs after the tweet. It usually doesn’t take much for me to listen to Taylor because she is my favorite artist, but the thought that someone on Twitter made me listen was curious. Apparently he had tweeted something from her video “Story of Us”. The only thing I remember was Snape telling the students to turn to page 394, like it did in the Harry Potter book. Whether that was where “Haylor” came from (Harry + Taylor=Haylor), I am at a loss. I couldn’t find the tweet and I didn’t write more about it, which further piques my curiosity about this episode. I had written that my therapist was concerned about my losing reality so this was serious. Of course, any time I become psychotic my therapist panics. I have no idea if my pdoc was concerned because I didn’t write about that. I didn’t go into the hospital so I am guessing the medication helped and I didn’t need further assistance. I think finding the drive relieved some of the anxiety to help the medication work. And once it did, the delusions, paranoia, and voices were gone. He also was “talking to me”, though it was all mumbled according to what I wrote it. Usually voices are mumbled but I can “sense” what they mean.

The reason this is all fascinating to me is because I am such a Harry Potter fan. I have read each book at least three times and am currently read each on another time. I have seen all the movies, which were a little disappointment as they cut things from the book or added things that didn’t occur in the book. I also follow the Dark Lord on Twitter as well as Snape. Snape’s account is wicked funny. But for whatever reason, didn’t have the same psychotic hold on me as the Dark Lord’s. I think because Voldemort’s tweets were really commanding tweets than funny in nature. I am sure the tweets were meant in jest, but for whatever reason, I took them seriously, at the time. There was also a tweet saying to rob houses of Twilight freaks that saw the movie when it came out back then. I had written that I wanted to steal my sister’s sweets and Halloween candy as I knew she would be at the movie. That is probably funny now but it wasn’t then. In seriousness, I was in deep turmoil of acting on a tweet because I was “commanded” to. It was troubling me. I honestly have no clue why I wasn’t in the hospital. All the previous times that I ever had commanding voices, I was inpatient. I must have seriously have had the confidence of my psychiatrist that I wasn’t a harm to myself or others. But then, it was just a few short days and like I said, medication helped tremendously that I have no recollection of these events as they played out. I usually do remember my delusions because they last so long or I am really convinced things are happening as my mind is playing them out. Maybe because I didn’t land in the hospital I don’t remember these delusions and commanding voices/tweets. I wrote that Voldemort was “personally talking to me”, which I can only mean that his tweets were personal. But that is probably because I had his tweets sent to my mobile phone so it acted as a text message to me. In my delusional mind, it was meant for me, and me only.

Sunday Blog 5

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up around 7 and my ankle/foot was still hurting me. I hate mornings when I wake up in pain because I never know how the day is going to progress. I took a couple of pain meds and tried to relax a little bit for them to work. When they didn’t knock me out, I decided to make coffee. I am hungry but I don’t know what to make. I know I want eggs, I just don’t know how I want them made. So many choices, scrambled, fried, sunny side up. I just don’t know. The coffee is ebbing away my hunger so I still have an hour or so to decide what I want to eat. That is if the pain meds don’t make me sleepy by then. I know I had coffee but that doesn’t mean I won’t go back to sleep.

I was supposed to go to my cousin’s house today as he is have a party. He has a nice house with a big yard and a pool. But I am not in the mood to be social today. I am kind of grumpy because I am in pain. And I am not sure being around my family is a good idea when I am in pain. It will be an all day affair and I don’t think I can handle it. Besides, pain meds and swimming don’t mix too well.

The game is a day game, again. It’s pretty weird that both games are day games for the weekend. I like it because my team does better during the day than night games for some reason. We have won three games in a row, so far. The final score for yesterday’s game was 11-7. A rookie hit his second homerun of the game. I am happy for him. He also scored 5 runs. The last Red Sox player to do that was in 2008 by Dustin Pedroia. Dustin is on the disabled list right now with a hamstring issue. I miss him playing. He is one of my favorite players. My not so favorite player is pitching today, Wade Miley. Like all starting pitchers this season, we don’t know how he is going to pitch until he starts. There has been no consistency among them. Clay Buccholz was the only pitcher that pitched with consistency, but he is on the DL with an elbow issue. I love Clay. He might not be the top pitchers in the league but he works hard, even when he stinks. There is just something about him that I like. I don’t know what that is.

I have started the third Harry Potter book yesterday while the game was being played. I was bored with the laptop so decided to read. The book is “Prisoner of Azkaban”. The thing that stinks about re-reading the book, is that you know what is going to happen next so there is no mystery. But I still get excited about the parts that are exciting. While I was reading “Chamber of Secrets”, I noticed that during the good parts I was skipping words to see what came next, even though I already knew. JK Rowling is just that good of a writer. Better than I will ever be.

Tomorrow, my glasses that I ordered are supposed to be delivered. The last message I got was that they were still in San Francisco, that is a long way from Boston. I hope they are close to being in Boston now. It is being sent through First Class mail so I am hoping they do arrive tomorrow. It will be great to see without having to rest my eyes because the single vision only does so much. These are my multifocal lenses and I know I will be able to read better with them. A friend of mine was telling me about an eyeglass place in Boston that sells them for $95, frames and all. I wish I heard about this place before I placed my order. I could have saved $130. I just hope these glasses fit okay. I have never bought glasses online before. I don’t know what to do if the frames need to be adjusted. Hope I can go to an eyeglass place and get them adjusted for nothing, even though I didn’t buy them at the place. It was a tough decision to buy online vs in store. But the cost of the lenses is what really made me go online.

It’s a little bit cooler today than it has been all week. I don’t know if my mother will be going to my cousin’s shindig or not. I am leaning towards not. Last night she made a huge bowl of mac and cheese. She said she would have it tomorrow so I am guessing that meant she wasn’t going to my cousin’s. So it will just be her and I at home today, again. I might go to Walgreens to get some snacks. My mother bought Chips Ahoy and Lorne Doone cookies and now I am craving them. I am a huge cookie monster. I can’t eat just one, especially the Lorne Doone cookies. Shortbread cookies are my favorite, next to chocolate chip. I was going to get the Mrs. Fields cookies but all they had was white chocolate. I am not a white chocolate fan.

I hope to do some writing today, but I am not going to force it. I have some ideas that I want to play with. I just hope it doesn’t trigger me into a psychosis while I am writing. That has been the main reason why I have been afraid to write this story that is in my head. I am afraid that if I write it, I will be persecuted for it or be watched by the FBI. I am still paranoid, a little bit and think that bad things will happen if I write it. But keeping it inside my head is hurting me. The voices have been kicking up again and I know it is a matter of time before my delusions start up again. I think if I write it out, I won’t be so delusional and might take the pressure off of me, somewhat.

TG Issues 6: Coming Out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, transgender

TG Issues 6: coming out

I got a text message from my sister tonight about my mother. She wanted to know if I told her yet, even though I told her, via text, next week. When I told her I was writing her a letter, she got me upset. She said that I shouldn’t do that, she (mother) wouldn’t understand. It’s not like she is going to understand it better me telling her but she is deaf and this will cut down on me having to repeat myself multiple times, causing me more aggravation. Sister then thinks that I shouldn’t be doing this at all, unless it’s face to face. Fuck that. I just spent an hour with the crisis text (741741, US only) telling them how my sister is not supporting me and how upset I am about it. I seriously just wanted to die by suicide when I got her multiple texts. It was like she was pulling support from me and I just couldn’t handle it. No one knows how suicidal I am right now. And this subject is the cause of me being suicidal. The text line took at least 40 minutes to get to me. I was denying the severity of my suicidality. Only because I knew that I would not be acting on what I was feeling and usually they want to deal with that. I am still having thoughts of wanting to kill myself that are very intense.

I basically am going to tell my mother that I do not want to be called a “miss” anymore. And that if I am, it will be ignored until the correct pronoun is used. The correct pronoun should be either mister or sir. I am not a female. I do not wish to discuss this in person as it is upsetting to me and when you call me “miss”, it hurts me. I hope you will respect my wishes. I think this is sufficient. I don’t need to tell her that I am thinking about becoming a man or getting testosterone shots or anything of that nature. She doesn’t need to know.

What I wrote in the last paragraph is sufficient. I will bring it up to my therapist when I talk to her on Tuesday. I will be emailing this to my psychiatrist so she is aware of what is going on. I know I could have paged her tonight, but I didn’t want to bother her this late on a Friday night. I am always afraid of her telling me to “come in”, meaning go to the ER.

I also talked with my blogger friend in CA. She always makes me feel better because she understands TG issues. She has many friends that are either gay or TG. I envy her. I wish I was a part of a community. This weekend is Boston’s Pride but I won’t be attending because I can’t stand crowds. It gives me horrible anxiety. Plus with my ankle acting up, I doubt I would be able to stand for too long. I should get one of the walker seats but I am not there yet. I want to be mobility free as possible but it’s getting more and more likely that I will need to have these devices because I just cannot tolerate walking long distances or standing for more than twenty minutes.

I took my meds along with my pain meds. I was going to take an extra Ativan but I don’t think I will need it. I am not as anxious as I was a few hours ago. I think the pain meds have blunted my emotions as I am very tired. Least my ankle is not hurting me as much anymore, which is a good thing. Maybe now, I can finally go to sleep.

Writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Saw my psychiatrist today. We talked about the depression and the sleep problems I have been having. She didn’t have any advice on how to deal. I am sleeping, just not on a normal schedule, whatever that is. She refilled my meds and when I went to pick them up at my pharmacy, I was shocked that the price was $0 for both of them! I like this!

I had my morning snicker’s latte. I wanted to write more than what I did but I had an errand to do before my appointment. I ended up writing while I was on the train ride home. I realized then that I need to buy a new journal. It’s almost half way through. The one that I really want is through Barnes and Noble. They have like a 500 page journal that I like. Maybe I will go to Kenmore my next pay period and see if they still have this journal. If not, I can always check online.

Since being let off of work because of my disability, I have written a lot more in my journals. They have become my saving grace, just like this blog has done. If you are struggling with mental illness, I encourage you to try and journal. It doesn’t have to be long. Just a short description about how your day went is sufficient or anything else that is troubling you. It really helps to express yourself this way, if you are able to do it. I know some people like art more than writing, and that is ok too.

I sent my psychiatrist my blog I wrote the other night when I was having the writing bug. She said she wants to see more of my “cathartic” writing so I am sending it to her. She really likes my writing and think it has improved. I don’t see it, but then I write something every day, even on days I don’t feel like writing.

I had another rough sleep session. I should have told my psychiatrist that my therapist thinks I am hypomanic again. But I know I am not so that is why I didn’t say anything. I am so tired all the time from not having a regular sleep schedule. If I was working, I would be in big trouble. Last night, as I was trying to get to sleep, my mother came into my room because there was a problem with her TV. The aggravation from that cost me a few minutes to calm down and get back to a comfy spot to sleep. My psych doesn’t know why I wake up before seven most days. I was just glad I was able to get a quad mocha before seeing her. I had a hard time getting up. If I didn’t have to get up, I probably would have slept longer. But I had woken up around 0230 and didn’t go back to sleep until an hour or so later. I have been trying not to play with my electronics when I get up. But it’s hard not checking my phone to see if messages have come through. I didn’t wake up in pain or anything, I just woke up, ready to face the day. Or in this case, the night. I had went to bed earlier than usual because the baseball game was in the afternoon. That is another one of my triggers. Going to bed before 2100. I almost always wake up between 2 and 4 if I sleep before 2100. I don’t nap during the day any more. I usually try and stay up as long as I can, even though right now it’s after 1700 and I want a nap very badly. Game is on at 1900 so I will probably listen to it till around 2100 or the end, which ever comes first. One of the games lasted two hours and fifteen minutes. It was the fastest game I ever heard. Course there was nothing going on, which made it fast. But the way that I am feeling right now, I don’t think I am going to make it to 2200. I can try, but I doubt it, unless I catch my second wind.

My mood has been up and down today. It was up during the morning when I was having “me” time but then turned sour when I had to do my errand. I had to get on buses and people are so rude. Then on the way home, a woman was half asleep on her seat. She was so hunched over, I thought she was going to fall over. It was sad. I felt bad for her. My foot also did not want to cooperate with me while walking home. At least two times, my foot dragged. I was turning my foot again, probably because it got fatigued. I no longer wear my AFO to prevent this from happening. My foot/ankle is really sore right now. It didn’t like all the walking I had to do. But I have to increase my walking so that I can be somewhat normal again. I hate being disabled. It’s one thing to be mentally disabled, but to be physically as well…just doesn’t bode well for the mind. I don’t know if the pain is going to get worse or not. Time can only tell. I already took one of my pain pills when I came home, which is probably why I am so sleepy.