Tag: cauda equina syndrome

Fearing the Worst

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fearing the Worst

I had taken some Nyquil a couple of hours ago to try and get to sleep. Pain is preventing this from happening as every time I move, my thigh goes berserk. Now my inner thigh is feeling like it’s on fire. This isn’t good. I am glad I am seeing the neurosurgeon tomorrow but I fear that without new images, the appointment is going to be useless. All he can do is nod his head in agreement and then say I need a new MRI stat. I am feeling more nervous as the more time is wasted, the more nerve damage I could be having. I didn’t do anything today except write down an outline and print off a few articles on this new paper I plan on writing. I tried writing it today but I couldn’t think of a beginning sentence so just wrote an outline. I thought the articles would help, but all it did was lead me to more stuff to outline. Very frustrating to me. I usually am able to write off the bat but today it was difficult, probably because I am in too much pain. Word to the wise, never take Nyquil unless you really want to sleep. I have been fighting it for the last few hours and literally feel sick to my stomach. I want to sleep but this pain anxiety is keeping me from it. It’s awful!

I tried to get in touch with my friend that is in the hospital but just got the busy signal. I will see him tomorrow. I heard he is supposed to be in till Christmas Eve. I am glad he is not spending Christmas in the hospital. That would be terrible.

Another reason I can’t sleep is because my sister and mother are having a yelling competition. My mother is deaf and so my sister has to yell for my mother to hear her. It’s going through my head like nails on chalkboard. I am just very grumpy because I am so worried about what is going on with my leg and that I am in pain. I wish my sister would leave so the house could be quiet again. Maybe then I can finally go to sleep.

I have been swearing on Twitter and Facebook and in real life but that doesn’t seem to be helping my pain. They say that if you are in pain and swear, it will help ease it. I should be pain free as anything if that were the case. Liars. I hate being in this much pain. I haven’t been in this much pain since my surgery 9 years ago. I fear the worst is happening. I really wish I saw my PCP the week before I was to see him last. I know he would have ordered the MRI and I wouldn’t be having this worry right now about what is going on. Fucking doctors, always chicken to do the right thing. They never think how the patient with PTSD feels when this is happening to them again. I just hope my neurosurgeon understands and wants to help me with this. Otherwise, I am up the creek without a paddle. I am so frustrated. Why do docs always have to wait for the worst to happen before they take action? So pisses me off.

I think my next reading adventure is going to be an old psychology book. And by old, I really mean it. The book was published in 1938. I just hope it doesn’t fall apart as I read it. I was going to read some of my other books but I am tired of reading history and fiction. I want to read something else. I figure psychology is the way to go. I also was pondering on a writing book called “Writing Tools” and I might switch to that if the 1938 book is too dry. I still plan on finishing the American Gods, even though it freaks me out some. I am half way through it so I might as well finish it.

Blog Post 1496

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, writing

I didn’t have a good sleep. I was tossing and turning most of the night. I didn’t bother looking at the time as my room was still dark. I finally got up when I got successive text messages around 0830. It was a combination of Twitter and the T messages. Twitter was telling me people were liking and retweeting my tweets and the T was telling me of bus delays. I should have put my phone in “Do not disturb” mode. I didn’t have my phone on the charger so I had to put it on. While my phone was charging I decided to have some breakfast and make coffee. The coffee I made a little stronger than I usually do. I thought I would be ok with rounded scoops but I guess not. I know that for next time.

As I was waiting for the water to boil, I decided to put away some dishes in the strainer by the sink. Now I wish I hadn’t as my thigh is hurting me. I wasn’t planning on doing anything today except to write and read. I guess since I am in pain, I can take my pain meds but I hate taking them when I just wake up only to go back to sleep. Maybe if I “wish” the pain away it will. I am just going to be relaxing on my bed anyway, least till lunch. I really want to try and finish the American Gods, but that book is starting to creep me out. The author kills the characters in cruel ways. One character gets sucked into this story after his wife died because she was having an affair with another man. Then comes back from the dead to save him from some men who were good but very bad. She ends up killing these men. It’s all very strange. I have no idea where the story is going or what is going to come next because the main character just got killed. There are still over a 100 pages to read so the story must go on to something. But it’s very creepy and I am not one for creepy. I’m just glad I don’t fall asleep right away after reading this stuff or I think I would have nightmares.

After midnight last night, I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her I survived another day when I really wanted to end my life so badly. I felt like she had to know my struggle that I deal with these days as she is not around. I am still angry about my therapist making me promise to be around this week for her benefit. There was nothing more that I wanted to do yesterday than to take at least four bottles of pills and see what would happen to me. I know the likelihood of me getting sick would be greater than me actually dying. Now that I am still alive, I am feeling ten times more nervous about my appointment with the neurosurgeon tomorrow. Last week it felt like it was ages away and not it’s a little more than 24 hours away. I know nothing is going to happen, least not at this appointment as I need an MRI to determine the course of action. I am not looking forward to the MRI because I have to lie flat for at least 45 minutes and then be injected with contrast. I have bad veins so I need to be hydrated as possible for them to find the suckers. Otherwise, the MRI is useless. They won’t be able to tell new damage from old. The whole thing is just nerve racking, no pun intended.

Next week, I will have a break from my therapist. I am kind of mixed about this. In a way, I like having a breather from her and in another, I know I am going to miss her. It’s going to make the week longer because I won’t have our time to break up the monotony of the week. It might mean I go to Starbucks earlier. I hope to get some writing done. Last night I was working on my “roots” story. I got it up to about 1,300 words and then had to stop as it was close to 0100. I was tired and couldn’t think where else I wanted the story to go. I keep playing with it and try not to repeat myself as I go along. I had a friend of mine read it and she said that it was a good story. I took out the pieces that I pasted in there, thinking it would mesh but it didn’t. Now I got to write another two hundred or so words to make up for those two paragraphs that were worthless.

 

Pain, Pain, and More Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Pain, Pain, and more Pain

I had my appointment with my PCP, my last appointment with him, today. He said that the office will continue managing my pain so I was happy about that. I get to see the nurse practitioner next month and I guess we’ll just go from there. I hope I just see her from now on rather than seeing the doc I don’t know. I like the NP. She doesn’t poke and prod like he does and then I can walk out without being in pain. After I left, I had to stand on the train as there were no seats. My leg didn’t not like me. My ankle was already mad at me and my socks had started to dig in me as my leg was swelling. It happens if I am wearing them too long and have to go about things. It only happens with my bad leg, not my right so I know it’s because of the pain syndrome that I have. My PCP recommended that I go to a rehab place. If you read the blog from this morning, this place is similar to what that place except I think my insurance covers it. I have to find out. This rehab place doesn’t offer medications but tries to take you off them. It’s something I have been offered before but declined. Once I know what is going on with my back and things with my father, I will make an appointment for it. It’s like a three month program looking at the brochure so I really need to have time for me to do this.

We said our goodbyes. I still can’t believe he is going. But he wanted some place that meant more time for his kids, which I get. They don’t stay little forever and before you know it they are adults. I wished him well. I feel really sad as I have known him for so long. Technically, he has been my PCP most of my adult life.

Before I saw him, I had my appointment with my therapist. I think sitting for so long aggravated my thigh pain. It has been bothering me for some hours now and I don’t like it. Nothing helps this pain so I am screwed. I think lying down helps so I will try that once I finish this blog.

My therapist was like a little kid today. She was excited about the prospect of me seeing her on my birthday. It all depends on if I can find a Zipcar for the hours that I need it on that day. She asked if I can reserve it in advance and I told her they charge your card that day and I don’t have money on my card right now. Plus, I don’t think they take a week reservation advances. It’s usually the day before or the day of you want to rent the car. We spent a good time talking about the stress of my birthday as I still don’t know what is going on that actual night. I know they are having a party for me but I, as guess of honor, have no clue what the hell time it is. Most likely it will be around 6 or 7.

We also talked about my PTSD symptoms as I told her I was relaxed for the first time about leaving my bag on the floor where I was talking to her. Usually, I am paranoid someone is going to take the bag. It doesn’t have anything valuable in it. Just some notepads, my journal, and a book. But they are valuable to me and to me only. She said that because I am in a constant state of hypervigilance it’s easy to become paranoid, or something like that. I understood what she was saying but I don’t remember her exact words. She is also worried about my anxiety levels lately as my pain has been awful and sometimes I will have flashbacks. It’s going to be hard seeing my neurosurgeon on Tuesday. I haven’t seen him in so long. I guess I should be lucky that in nine years I haven’t needed him again. But that doesn’t take away the fear that I have about seeing him. I wish my doc would have ordered an MRI before I saw him. This way I would know if he is needed or I just need physical therapy or something. But my gut tells me something is wrong and that is freaking me out. My therapist is right to be worried. I am, too.

We talked some more about my father being an asshole as he called in the middle of session. Someone always calls whenever I am on the phone with her or someone else. My phone doesn’t ring at any other time except when I am on the phone with someone. It really pissed her off that he kicked me yesterday. I was still sore today because my nerves are messed up. He didn’t kick me hard but just enough to cause pressure changes and my leg didn’t like it one fucking bit. Today my PCP was touching the affected area. I thought I was going to jump off the table. That area of my leg is just very sensitive because of the nerve damage I suffered.

My therapist also asked about my suicidality. I told her I still plan on checking out but it just depends on when. Funny how when you make the decision to go through with it, you begin to feel better about things. That is how I am feeling right now. I am not as depressed as I was because I know I will be ending my life soon. She didn’t like it but I am not going to end up a cripple. I mean I sort of am a cripple, a mental cripple, but to be both a physical and mental one, forget about it.

Two things I was going to do today I didn’t do. One was to call the dentist for a cleaning and the second being to take a shower. I might try again tomorrow. I really think my leg will divorce me if I try to take a shower tonight. I just am in too much pain to stand for 10-20 minutes. I already did more than that waiting for the bus and train. I don’t even think my pain meds will bail me out of this one. I’m just going to rest the rest of tonight, maybe watch a movie or read my book. I haven’t read my book in two days so I need to do it if I plan on finishing the chapter by the end of the week. I was hoping to finish the book this week but that isn’t happening. I had too many days of non-reading.

Reasons for Living vs. Reasons for Dying

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Reasons for Living vs Reasons for Dying

This title is the name of an article written by David Jobes. It has to do with suicidality. The idea is to list your reasons for living and then your reasons for dying. The hope is that the reasons for living outweigh the reasons for dying.

I have been struggling a lot lately with my suicidality. Last week I wanted to do something very badly. I didn’t care what it was, as long as the end result was death. I texted my therapist and after I met my ungrateful father, she called me. We talked about my plan that was running around my head and the stressors that was leading me to think of suicide. It was a short phone call so we didn’t get into real specifics. I am sure that if we had time for a session, she would have asked what my reasons for living/dying were. It’s her way of gauging just how suicidal I am. Usually if I don’t have any reasons for living, my constriction is pretty high. Constriction is the narrowing of the senses. In this case, I only see suicide as a way out and I am damned to achieve it one way or another. I have been stressed over my birthday, not to mention Christmas and still trying to save money for the new year because I know I will have to pay for my prescriptions again. I also need to save some money so I can see my therapist sometime in the new year. But that is all future planning and it is stressing me out to no end. I don’t want to live to see my birthday in the 9 days. I was planning on ending things this Saturday so I made plans with my sisters for a birthday dinner with just the three of us. I still have Sunday to worry about. And the fact that what I have in mind, I have plenty of is not helping my case. I have three bottles of meds that I could use to try and end my life. But the problem is where I will do this. I can’t do it at home because I don’t want to be found by family members. And I know it will be traumatic to anyone that finds me, but I don’t care. I can’t stand living this hell that is supposedly called life. I am in so much pain lately that I can’t think. The new pain meds have me so sedated it’s not funny. And I think it’s messing up my bowels, too. Instead of being constipated, I am now having loose stools. That might be good for a “normal” person but not good with someone like me who has impaired function of their bowel due to cauda equina syndrome.

I made an appointment with my neurosurgeon the day before my birthday. It is going to be a wasted visit because there are no new images of my back. The latest scan was in 2007. So it’s just talking to him to update him on what is going on and then he will most likely order an MRI. I will then have to have another appointment to discuss the results. I am scared that I will have to have surgery again. I have no idea what that will mean. Or he might decide to pass me off to another neurosurgeon because he is a pedi doc and not an adult doc. I don’t know. I will be pissed off it I am again passed the buck to someone else.

I am also worried that I am not going to get the level of care from the new PCP in my doc’s office when he leaves and my days on opioids might be coming to an end. That is what is really freaking me out. I can’t manage my pain without these meds. It keeps me sane. But some doctors wrote an article in a prominent medical journal about how chronic pain patients get lumped with substance abuse disorders and other mental health issues and therefore “abuse” the meds they receive. Which is utter nonsense. I have never abused nor taken more than prescribed. I take what I need on a given day. Sure there might be some days that I need more medicine than others but that is rare. When I have a pain flare up, it might mean 6 pills instead of 4. Or if I am not in too much pain, it might mean just 2 pills a day. It varies because my pain is not constant all the time. It’s always a three on a scale of 1-10 at any given point but any activity (going up and down stairs, walking for lengths of time, standing for lengths of time, etc.) will increase my pain at night. At night is when my pain is at its worse. That is when my reasons for living go out the fucking window and my reasons for dying increase trifold. This is what it’s like living with chronic pain.

My therapist knows this. She has seen the worst of my suicidality to know when to intervene and when to let me vent. She tries hard to let me work it out on my own as I usually do. She guides me through these rough passages. But I don’t know if this time she has what it takes to see me through these waters. I am so drowning and I just feel like no one is hearing me scream in a crowded room. I am just so sad that my doctor is leaving, my psychiatrist is not available at the moment, and I have to face a neurosurgeon the day before I really don’t want to be alive.