Tag: chronic illness

Sunday Blog 12 Nov 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 12 Nov 2017

I was able to shower today. I was kind of tired afterwards but I made coffee and then ordered some food. I read a couple chapters of Coraline. Then the pain in my ankle increased. I took some pain meds. It settled down, some. My sisters and I were planning to visit my aunt for her birthday and I didn’t want pain to stop me. Two hours later, I moved my ankle and it flared up. I was in a lot of pain. I didn’t want to have to take the strong pain pill but I also wanted to see my aunt who I haven’t seen in a few months. I took the pill and fiddled with my phone to distract myself.

I spent like 20 minutes in the BPD chat. Topic today was coping plans. I brought up the Stanley/Brown safety plan and a few people wanted to know more about it. Someone on twitter had a link to the PDF but I couldn’t find it in my “likes” or in a search. I also have a knack of remembering things but not the source so I didn’t know who tweeted it. I had to get ready for the party so I said I would get back to them.

My sisters and I went to my aunt’s house. My cousins were there and there was Chinese food. I ate a lot. It was good food. Then we had cake and my sister was introduced to Apple TV. She showed my cousins the pics she had taken when she went to Italy in June. We all had fun with the stories and watching the videos. My aunt got tired so we left. I was the last to leave as my aunt was hanging on me and she started crying. I felt bad. I left feeling really horrible. She is 93 and has dementia due to Parkinson’s disease. It’s terrible and her mind is getting worse with time. She is not the woman she was even 3 years ago. I don’t even think she knows who she is. I am glad she didn’t comment on my hair. I had shaved my sideburns and my goatee so there wouldn’t be trouble. I don’t think she knew who I was but then she didn’t know anyone most of the time.

I came home and tried to find the safety plan. After spending some time looking for it and not having any luck, I just decided to create it in my blog. https://midnightdemon.com/2017/11/12/safety-planning-by-stanley-and-brown/

My pain is back up again. I am not sure I will be able to sleep tonight even though I am tired. I am feeling depressed about it. I have a lot of things to do tomorrow. If I can make the two phone calls I need to make and go to the Sprint store to change my name AND go to therapy, I will be happy. But right now, I don’t want to do anything but sleep. Tuesday I need to go to Market Basket to get some cranberries as they are on sale. I want to make my cranberry cake for Thanksgiving. I might make a gluten free version of it so my brother in law’s mother can have some. I don’t know if it will come out the same or even taste the same. I’ll have to ask my sister if she can have nuts as the recipe calls for walnuts and almond extract. I have no idea if gluten is in them. I’m too lazy to Google it.

Veterans Day 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Veterans Day 2017

If you are a vet or active service man or woman, thank you for your service. Also, if you are in crisis, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 and press 1 to connect to a peer Veteran. You matter.

I woke up in pain around 7 and slept. Unfortunately, my mother wasn’t feeling good. She had let my cousin in the house and then got the runs. He woke me up to get clean clothes for her. The way he was yelling, I thought she was having a hypoglycemic attack. Scared me. I am glad she was not. She still has the runs so I gave her some Imodium to help. Hope it works.

My pain has been medium for the past few hours. I haven’t done much today other than sleep. I had a dream I was back in the hospital and my roommate was telling me she found her name and address in the yellow pages. I woke up sweating because it was really hot in my room. I still have the AC in my window. I would have my brother in law take it out but he hurt his thumb at work and can’t lift anything heavy for the next two weeks. I am going to try and take it out tomorrow when my pain is lower. I really would love to have an open window. It’s cold out but with the heat my room gets really hot because I have the door closed most of the time. Even with the ceiling fan on, it is hot.

A good friend of mine called me after I had dinner. She wants me to come down after the holidays, either with my other friend or by myself. Now that I think about it, I could go down there and make them some sauce. She was drooling over the pic of when I made it a couple weeks ago. I was thinking of making sauce tomorrow but I really need to change my sheets. I would have done it today but I was in too much pain.

I started reading Neil Gaiman’s Coraline the other day. As usual, it’s weird. I read 1-3 chapters as they are kind of short. I had made some tea after I had dinner, with the intention of reading but never got around to it. I am feeling really tired and just want to sleep. I have been sleeping a lot since coming home from the hospital. I think the time change is messing with me. I’ll get used to it after a while and then the time will go back. I just feel so run down, though not in a sick way. I think dealing with the pain constantly just wears me out.

doing whatever it takes to drown out the noise

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Doing whatever it takes to drown out the noise

My foot/ankle flared up about an hour and a half ago. I can’t sleep. I just am in pain for the second night in a row and I don’t like it. I’m not suicidal or even thinking about suicide but I don’t want to be here right now. If I could snap my fingers to die, I would do it.

I am listening to Luke Combs, “One Number Away”. I love this song. I found an acoustic version of it on YouTube and OMG it is so awesome. I need to see this guy in concert. He is phenomenal. I am listening to this song on repeat because it’s going through my head.

I opened my former therapist’s statement. I am no longer being charged $525/month. But the final balance is over $16K. No way I owe that much and I am not paying her anything until the balance is more reasonable. I was able to sort out the problem with my credit card not issuing me a new card in my new name. I should have it in a few days.

I wish I had some crown. I miss having some whiskey. I may get it my next pay period. I do have honey whiskey but it goes down so smooth that I could finish the bottle without intending to, and that would be a bad thing, especially because I am on pain meds. But a shot or two shouldn’t do anything for me. I just have to be careful to spread out the pain meds or not take them.

I started a new book when I came home. It’s by Neil Gaiman called Coraline. I was going to read his book, The Ocean at the end of the Lane but Coraline seemed to be a better choice. I like books that are young adult as they are easier for me to read. I still have SE Hinton’s Tex to read. I might read that after Coraline. I have 8 books to go for my challenge. I hope I can do it. Last year I had to finagle the bagel to get my books read. I read 23 books last year. I changed my challenge to 25 to see if I could beat that record.

I am so tired but my foot is killing me. Think I will take an Ativan and see if I can get some sleep. I didn’t have any by my bedside so I had to get up to get some more. My ankle did not like that. OMG, I am in MORE pain than I was. I could fricken cry. Hate this fucking shit!!

Another frustrating day on the psych unit 

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, disability, mood disorders

The crummy SW came back. We met for less than 15 mins. No plan on helping me, just go with the flow. Met with psychiatrist who spoke about the anxiety suicidal ideation brings to clinicians. He wants a way to basically stop me from going there but acknowledged that it was basically my go to escape plan. No other plans for getting me out sooner were discussed. I am frustrated. I don’t want to be here but I need a safety net before I can fucking go. Told him I needed to work with my therapist on that, which I cannot do while I am here. I don’t think he got it. No plans for discharge were talked about. Bastard.

Contact person got me a shower chair. I just took some pain meds so in about an hour, I’ll take off my boot, see how my ankle and foot are, then try to shower. Hate that all these steps need to be in place for this activity but that is what it is like living with chronic pain.

I am getting really annoyed every single time I need a pain med the nurse asks me what my pain is. Then asks what will this bring it down to. Um, I don’t know? It could help, stay the same. Get worse because I move it, the pain could change to something else? Fuck. There is so much stigma around the damn pain and pain meds yet if I ask for an Ativan, they don’t ask me what level of anxiety or agitation I’m feeling. What the fuck is the difference? Just shut up and give me my meds!

As you can probably tell, I am very disgruntled, to say the least. I am a bit aggravated and annoyed. I only went to the group therapy group today. It was the only appealing group. I have read some more Harry potter this morning but now I am too discouraged to go back to it. It is the only book I brought with me so I am trying to stretch it out as I don’t know how long I’ll be here. 

I have no idea with the SW asked if I was dating. She always asks weird questions when every admission. Dumbfuck. Like dating would help me when I want to end my pain. Pfffttt. Last time I was here we spent a good amount of time going over my transition, which was not the reason for my admission. So annoying because when it was the reason I went into the hospital, they didn’t want to talk about it at all.

I’ve been having the same contact person nearly every day, which is good because then there is some continuity. I don’t have to go over my story every shift. I might take a nap before I take a shower just to see how my foot/ankle responds to no boot. If it doesn’t explode, that will be good. I could use a low pain day today. It is raining out and the week is going to be cold. But least no snow is in the forecast.