Tag: chronic illness

pain blog and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain blog and other things

I tried to lie down to sleep and my foot promptly exploded in pain. I had to sit up and take some pain meds. I am very tired. I somehow managed to take a shower. It was really difficult because I really didn’t want to but my head was gross from not taking one all week. I hate it when my head is greasy looking. I am glad I took one because that means I can sleep a little later tomorrow. I need to leave the house by 1100 to catch the bus to the Square. My appt with my psych is at 1300 so that leaves me a couple hours to have my espresso and write in my journal for a little bit. If I get up earlier, I will try and get a haircut.

One of my good friends sent me a picture of a mother giraffe kissing its baby. The photo is captioned April and the baby but I have seen the picture before so I know it’s not recent. I love the picture though.

I really would like to get some sleep but pain is keeping me up. I have to wait at least an hour for the strong pain pill to work. I fucking hate waiting! I want it to work now! I might put on the lidocaine gel but the pain is in my bones so I am not sure it will be effective. It’s so frustrating to be in different types of pain every single night. I wish I had a one treatment fits all but I don’t. It is so annoying to take this pill for this pain and that pill for that pain. The hardest part is that I don’t know if it is really going to work. I just take it and cross my fingers.

I emailed a friend of mine that I haven’t heard from in a while. We exchanged Easter greetings but that was it. So I started with my story about my pain and stuff and I hope she tells me about what is going on in her life. I miss our conversations.

Next week when I get paid, I am thinking of spending $100 on scratch tickets and see if I win anything. I haven’t done anything like this before but I want to do something wild. I have a favorite scratch ticket but I don’t know if they sell it anymore as I haven’t seen it in a while. I will have to check it out. I even forgot the name of it because I haven’t bought it in so long. If they don’t have the ticket I am looking for, I won’t buy it.

Meds are finally kicking in so I hope I sleep through the night. I really don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night again. I hope it doesn’t happen.

way overtired and in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Way overtired and in pain

I had a really long day and I should be sleeping right now but I am so overtired that I can’t sleep. I thought I would write a little bit as they usually calms me down some. I wrote about what I did today in my previous blog so I won’t bore you again with what I wrote.

I should have brought up the book that I am reading. I am reading multiple books right now that I can’t seem to decide which book to stay focused on. I am reading Huck Finn, CBT for preventing suicide attempts, and Robert Lowell. I would try to read but sometimes that gets my brain stimulated and that keeps me up. I am also in pain, which doesn’t help going to sleep.

I didn’t do a lot of walking but I did do a lot of sitting, which I normally don’t do, or if I do, I have my ankle elevated. I didn’t have my ankle elevated at all today while I was out. Now it’s angry with me. I then went over my nephew’s house to watch a movie with him. Again I didn’t elevate my ankle. It didn’t like that. I had to take a strong pain pill because the pain was severe and I couldn’t take my regular pain meds yet. Then I got zaps in my foot. That was fun. I had them last night, too, in the same spot. Nerve damage sucks.

I took my meds late because I watched a movie with my nephew. It’s the second night this week where I took my pills later than I normally take them. I hope there isn’t any consequences for this. I hope the pain settles down soon so I can rest. Right now, it’s really angry with me and I know soon as I lie down it’s going to flare up. It’s so frustrating.

Errand Filled Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Errand filled Friday

I had a good sleep despite waking up in the middle of the night, again. I was able to go back to sleep, though I did ponder staying up and going to Starbucks at like 0400. They don’t open till 0530 so I would have had to wait and I didn’t feel like waiting so luckily I went back to sleep. When I did wake up around 0930, I used the bathroom and then brushed my teeth. I got ready to go out and catch the 0950 bus. I decided to have breakfast at Starbucks and write for a little bit before doing my errands.

The first place I went to was the PCP’s office to pick up my prescription. It was warm when I left the house but was getting cooler as time went on and the sun went away. While waiting for the train, I decided to start reading a CBT book on suicide attempt prevention. I plan on writing a review about it when I am finished. I should be done this weekend as it’s a short book and easy reading. The terms are a little complicated but are used consistently so it’s easy to follow along.

I got off at Central Square to check out where the therapist office was. It was a little farther from the station than I thought but definitely doable for me. There are plenty of benches along the way so if I get tired, I can rest. I just need to make sure I leave myself some time to walk to the building. It should take me about fifteen minutes or so to walk at a good pace. I was hurting by the time I made it back to the station and had to rest on the said benches. My back was hurting me from the weight of my bag for some reason. I might have to empty it out to see what is causing it to be so heavy. I have only a few things in it so I don’t know why it’s heavy or feels like it is. Some days it is and other days it’s not. I think it depends on my fatigue level.

I rested then caught the train back to my Square and went to the butcher shop to get my burgers. They were cheaper than the last time I bought them, which was good. I think I got 6 burgers for 6 bucks. They may be too big for the rolls I have. After this errand, I went and waited for the bus and read my book. I then went to Walgreens to fill my prescription. They didn’t have a long wait so I waited for them to fill it. I was getting really hungry by the time I came home. My ankle was hurting me, too. It was already fatigued by the time I reached the bus stop. If I didn’t have my AFO on, I would have been dragging my ankle and would not have gone to the butcher’s shop.

I am waiting for pain meds to kick in before I make my burger. I am really hungry but it will really hurt me to try and cook with my ankle hurting the way it is right now. I checked my email and my psychiatrist responded to my email. I had asked her if I should make a history sheet for the new therapist to get the suicidality out of the way so I don’t scare him off. She said see if I like him first. I thought that was good and replied saying so. If I don’t like him, there won’t be a point if suicide scares him or not. I’m kind of nervous that I will have to “teach” him suicidology and how I handle my suicidality in therapy. He might have a different approach, which I will be open to as long as we work together on it.

I’m feeling really fatigued from all the running around I did today. Last night I lowered the heat so my room didn’t become a sauna every single time the radiator came on. Now my room is cold but I am not turning the heat up. I will just had layers and for the first time all winter, I turned off the ceiling fan. My mother thinks I am going through the “change” because I have been so damn hot lately. No, it’s because the heat in my room is making me crazy. My room is the hottest because I keep my door closed 90% of the time. The heat was making me feel sick. I don’t tolerate it well since having my nerve injury.

Rambling Ramble on a Sunday Evening

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rambling Ramble on a Sunday Night

My legs finally stopped twitching. I had to take a Benadryl and some Ativan to quiet it down. It was awful because it felt like my whole body was twitching even though it was just my legs. It was really uncomfortable. I walked around my room to give me something to do. I then had to use the bathroom and when I came back to my room, it was a little better. My ankle is sore now so I took my pain meds. I was hoping to go back to sleep but I am too keyed up.

I might read a little bit. I am in the middle of a chapter in Robert Lowell again. I was reading for about 45 minutes the other day and couldn’t finish the chapter. It kept talking around in circles, again. This book is really trying my patience. I have about 200 pages or so to read, which isn’t bad, if I keep reading it. I am more than half way through the book.

I am kind of mad at myself for not getting my new topper on my bed. I should give myself some slack because I didn’t feel well most of the day. Tomorrow I need to see my psychiatrist and I need to leave early. I hope I remember the cake that I want to share with her. Think I will set my alarm so I don’t over sleep.

Tomorrow is Opening Day at Fenway. Can’t believe baseball season starts already. It’s a day game so I think I will miss most of it because I will be in town. I think I will get Thai food so that I will have dinner for tomorrow night. My mother doesn’t like it so more for me. I’ll also get spring rolls as I absolutely love them. I also need to go to the lab to pick up my belongings. It’s going to be sad because this means I am really out of my job, finally. I wish things could be different. But as the saying goes, everything happens for a reason.