Tag: chronic illness

Fatigued ankle

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fatigued ankle

I did way too much yesterday that my ankle is still fatigued. I still taxed it today by going out as I had to get a few things at Walgreens. My mother needed some stuff there as well, though they were out of two of the things she needed. Always happens when things are on sale.

I came home and paged my psychiatrist as she wanted me to call her today. She still hasn’t returned the page. I guess she is busy. She will call when she can. I am in no rush to talk to her. I then made breakfast which my ankle didn’t like. I didn’t make lunch. I ordered from my favorite sub place because I wanted roast beef. It was good but I couldn’t finish the whole thing. I will have it for tomorrow.

My mother’s back is hurting her pretty bad so I wanted to make her dinner. She said she is going to have what she made last night. I said okay. Then my ankle started to spasm. I’m no longer cooking dinner and will be ordering Chinese food. I just can’t stand for too long to make the pasta that I want. Fucking sucks. I had to take an Ativan to calm the spasms. I probably will take a nap.

My mood has been rock bottom all day. My ankle feeling fatigued is the worst because there is nothing I can do for it except rest it. It’s not painful (aside from the spasms) but it’s letting me know it’s there, which is annoying the crap out of me. Yes, I know I have two ankles but one likes to say hello more often then the other one does. It’s so frustrating. I hope this fatigue is better by tomorrow because I need to see my psych. I also need to go to my former work place to get my stuff that was in my locker. The manager cleaned it out and is asking if I want my things. I have no idea what is in there as I haven’t touched it in 5 years. Hard to believe I have been out of work for that length of time.

I’m seriously thinking of buying a chainsaw on Amazon and getting it shipped the next day so I can chop my foot off. I am so sick of it hurting so much and causing me grief. Maybe if I am an amputee I can work again or go back to school or something. Now my foot is burning. WTF. If I need to take Neurontin (which I probably will), I will be toast the rest of the afternoon/evening.

did a lot but didn’t

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Did a lot but didn’t

I woke up before 0500, again. I didn’t want to take anything to get back to sleep because I had an early morning delivery. Luckily, I fell back to sleep within an hour or so. Then my alarm went off and I felt worse. I kept an ear out for my text message and my delivery finally came around 0930. My neighbor had ordered some stuff too, so they delivered to her place first. It was freezing out and like a dummy, I didn’t wear a long sleeve shirt. I froze while waiting for the guy.

I put all my yummy groceries away. I was very tired afterwards. I wanted to eat something but sleep over came me. I went up stairs and crashed. I woke up around noon or so. I called my mother to see if she had taken anything out for dinner. My phone had problems connecting to a landline. It was pissing me off so I used my mother’s phone to call her. She didn’t take anything out so she will have my Shepard’s pie.

I didn’t do much the rest of the afternoon. My ankle was really hurting so I took a strong pain pill. I was in and out of touch with reality. Time went by in a blur. My mother called me a little after 1500 asking me when I was going to start cooking. I told her in a half hour. It’s a simple recipe so wouldn’t take me long to cook. I had everything done by 1630. After we finished, my mother said I had to do the dishes. Fuck. I hate doing dishes and there was a sink full. I rested as much I could before I was getting sleepy again. I almost took a bath while washing the damn dishes and pans. My back was not liking me standing and neither was my ankle. I hurried as fast as I could.

I finished and then went upstairs to rest again. Except my ankle exploded and then got cold because my room was cold. I had the window open all day because my room was a sauna. Now it’s nice and comfortable but it was too cold for my foot. I shut the window and the ceiling fan then threw on my thermal socks. I figured I might as well write before I went back to sleep. I am really tired for doing nothing most of the day.

I never got a call from the therapist I called yesterday. It’s putting me in a dark mood. I got a text from my former therapist saying she got my book, finally. My head is just missing someone to talk to at this point. I really need someone to vent to about my pain, someone understanding and gets it without trying to fix me or suggest things. Dealing with pain the last two days straight has not been good. I’m not suicidal, yet. I just can’t handle the amount of pain that I have been in. Lying down has made things worse so resting has been difficult. I get relief while I sit up. A few times, I have caught myself falling asleep because I am just so tired.

Tomorrow is my father’s birthday. I need to call the church to see if we can have a mass for him near his anniversary that is coming up next month. I wanted to have funds in my account in case they needed a donation or something to do it. Saturday we are going to spread his ashes at the track. I know he would have liked that. Sunday we are planning on seeing my aunt, if she is up for it.

I didn’t get my dark chocolate almond milk with my grocery order, but I got regular almond milk. I plan on having my cocoa pebbles later tonight. I was going to have them after I put my groceries away but I was just too tired. Even now I am feeling wicked exhausted. I just want to sleep. Think I will take my night time meds and call it a day.

no sleep and a lot of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No sleep and a lot of pain

I woke up at 0300 and didn’t go back to sleep at all. My check came in so I bought my groceries and paid some bills. I took a shower as I was in minimal pain. I waited an hour for the next bus to the Square so I could get my espresso and breakfast. I wrote for a couple of hours and then I left to go to my PCP’s office so I could get my prescription. My ankle started hurting but it wasn’t bad. I was getting tired as I had been up so early. I went back to the Square to get my haircut.

I got a nice cut and then I took a cab home as I just missed the bus. I went to Walgreens to fill my prescription. I was getting sleepy so figured I would nap when I came home. My ankle was throbbing but not too bad. Until I laid down to nap. Then all fucking hell broke loose. I have been in pain since 1500 and haven’t been able to quiet it down. I took two strong pain pills and some Ativan to get to sleep and I am still awake. The pain is a 20 on a scale of 1-10.

I feel physically sick because I am so sleep deprived right now. I had to take a Zofran so I wouldn’t throw up. I am so tired but I am kind of wired because the pain is so bad. It’s got me thinking bad thoughts. I think if I didn’t have my grocery delivery tomorrow morning, I might do something. But I won’t. I want to but I just can’t. I am so sick of this shit. I can’t take my regular pain meds for another hour.

I plan on taking my night meds soon. I think that will be the final straw to knock me out for the night. I think I am just so overtired that I just can’t sleep. Doesn’t help that my fucking neighbors are working on the house and are hammering away constantly day and night. My mother turned up the heat so my room is a sauna again, even with the ceiling fan going. I might have to open the window but it’s really windy so I don’t want to. Temps are supposed to drop severely tonight. I don’t care, I rather be cold than hot. I was having a blast as I had to put on my long sleeved t-shirt and thermal socks because I got cold before the heat kicked on. I didn’t mind being cold. But I have to protect my feet because they will cramp on me if they get too cold, especially my nerve damaged one.

I have no idea if I am making sense or not. I feel like I am just rambling. I hope I can wake up in time for the delivery. I will set my alarm as they are coming between 0730 and 0930. I rather they come that early than me wait all day for them. I want cocoa pebbles soon as I put everything away. I have been dying for that cereal for two weeks. I hope my ankle is feeling better tomorrow because I want to make Shepard’s pie. I love it. And my mother does, too so she can have dinner with me. Ativan is hitting me pretty hard so I will stop here for now. Until domani.

Day after Storm Stella

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Day after Storm Stella

It’s frozen and icy out so I won’t be going out today. I can hear my brother in law trying to break up the ice as he is shoveling the snow. I don’t feel bad for him because if he kept on top of the snow with the snowblower, it wouldn’t be so bad. Instead he wanted to wait till it was all done so now he has to deal with heavy icy snow.

Last night, I had dinner at my sister’s. It was pretty good. After the meal and dessert, my mother’s sugar dropped. She gave herself too much insulin. We stayed with her for a while and talked about the reasons it dropped. I am just glad it happened when she was aware and not passed out somewhere in the house. Her sugar wasn’t too low, only 96 but for her it was causing her to feel weird and we (my sister, brother in law, and I) know what happens if we don’t get it up over 100.

I woke up in pain, again. My left thigh is hurting for some reason. I always get nervous when it flares up. But I think it’s more muscle pain than nerve related. I don’t know why as I was lying down most of the night so I am not sure why it has flared up on me. Usually, if I sit too long it will act up. But I haven’t been in a sitting position until now. So weird.

I was able to go back to sleep. I woke up after 1300. I made a bacon sandwich and coffee. I also wanted to sneak in a shower but my foot decided to have severe nerve pain so I had to take some Neurontin. Then after a sneeze attack, my pain level shot up to 15. My regular meds won’t be able to touch it so I took the strong pain pill. It’s not even 1700, yet. I am done for the day.

I am going to be looney tunes once the Neurontin kicks in. I might read my book before my brain becomes a fog. I am reading about Robert Lowell. The book is starting to bore me because it keeps describing the same things over and over. He becomes manic, makes lewd gestures and starts fights, does creative writing, ends up in the hospital for a few months, gets doped up on Thorazine, calms down from mania. Then goes through depression trying to piece together what happened and reconcile friendships. Repeat during the next episode, which could be months or years from the last one. It sucks losing interest with this book because my favorite author wrote it, Kay Redfield Jamison. She usually doesn’t repeat herself. The book is very long, at least 800-900 pages. If this is what I have to read throughout the book, I am going to stop reading it. I can’t imagine that any reviewer read all through the book and didn’t have the same thoughts that am having. But everyone reads and interprets differently. To each their own, I guess.

I’m glad I have protein bars in my room in case I get hungry later. My mother made asparagus and eggs. I don’t think I am going to be able to make it down the stairs as my pain is so high right now. I just hope I don’t have to use the bathroom again. That will suck.