Tag: chronic illness

I want to cry

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I want to cry

I haven’t been in pain for most of the day and soon after I took my pain meds and some Benadryl, it starts up. I took the Benadryl because my allergies were really bad. I have been sneezing all day for some reason. It was so annoying. Anyways, after the pain started, my foot and ankle started doing a cramping motion that was more painful than the pain itself. I wanted to cry. I took another Ativan and now I am ready to sleep but I can’t because I am kind of wired.

My diet didn’t go well today. I only had three shakes and then a black bean burger because I was hungry. I also had a protein bar and some fruit. I didn’t drink any water because I just didn’t feel like it. After the phone call with the insurance company for my phone, I kind of lost all appetite. I am surprised I even made it through the day. I am hungry now and should eat something but I really don’t want to go back downstairs because I am in pain. I really want cookies because it’s my comfort food but I want to stick with my diet.

I emailed my psychiatrist about how I was feeling and then I realized, what if she calls me? I had to send her another email saying don’t call me because my phone is disconnected. I didn’t give her an explanation. I will tell her when I see her on Friday. Hopefully my phone is fucking turned on by then.

I kind of feel proud because without dieting, I lost six pounds. I weighed myself today and I was the same as I was before I started dieting but I was heavier when I first got my fitness pal app. I don’t know what I did. I swear it’s the meds that fluctuate my weight. I just hope that once I get back in a routine of some sort, I lose the weight more frequently than what I am right now. I haven’t left the house since Friday. I hope to go to Starbucks tomorrow but there is no guarantee I will. It all depends on my pain levels.

I can’t wait to text my friend that I met in the hospital four years ago. I am sure she is worried about me. Or she thinks I am mad at her for not answering her text messages. I hope my explanation will be satisfactory to her. I didn’t know my phone was going to be turned off. If I did, I would have had one of my other phones turned on so I would still have a phone. I am such an idiot.

I just want to cry because I am in pain again. I am so tired of being in pain. It’s so exhausting. I am afraid to lie down because I fear that my pain will increase. I am so tired though, physically, even though I haven’t done anything all day. I know it’s the Benadryl and pain meds that are making me tired. I just need to try and sleep and it might happen. Just wish the PTSD would calm down enough so I could try and sleep.

lousy rainy painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Lousy Rainy Painful Day

I woke up in pain and didn’t sleep all that well last night so I had to cancel my dinner date with my friends. I was in too much pain. The rain didn’t help matters. I have been sleeping all day. I didn’t eat so when I woke up, I was hungry. I ordered a burger and onion rings. It was good. The onion rings were a little burnt but it was okay.

Oh, yea, My book is available on Kindle!! https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MY2V8TF/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1483019682&sr=1-1&keywords=collerone

Check it out when you have a chance. I decided to go ahead with the electronic version first because the PDF looked ok. I want to see what the book looks like before I okay that. I should be getting the proof tomorrow. I expedited shipping so I could receive it faster.

I finally took a shower today. While I was taking my nap, I was sweating something fierce. My pjs were wet. I didn’t pee myself, which is what I thought at first but my underwear was dry. I was really hot under the covers. My mother has a cold so she has the heat on high. I am roasting in my room and will turn on the ceiling fan, again, soon.

I have been in an awful mood today because pain kept me from my friends. I feel really bad but there is nothing that I can do about it. I can’t walk, I can’t walk. Just bothers me. I just don’t want my friends to think that I am stiffing them.

My protein drinks came today. All in one fucking shipment. Thing weighed a ton. I think the heavier box was the Ensure. I got a case of that because there aren’t enough calories with the other protein drinks. I bought yogurt and puddings to help. I need sugar. I know it’s bad when you are on a diet but the drinks are sugar free and I know my body isn’t going to like that for three weeks. For six days, I will be watching my niece. I might have to stop the diet for that time so that we can at least eat the same foods. I would feel bad if she ate pizza (my favorite) and I had a protein drink.

I need to ship some stuff to a friend of mine tomorrow. I hope I am not in too much pain because I got to go to my PCP’s office to pick up my prescription and get it filled. I was going to get it today but that didn’t work out too well. I never called the dentist either. I can’t remember if I brushed my teeth this morning or not. I will have to do it before bed. I meant to brush while in the shower but my foot was acting up. I can only stand for so long and today I didn’t want to test how long. I had to put thermal socks on my feet because they were freezing by the time I got up to my room. My room might be really warm but the house is cold, despite the heat being on. I don’t understand it.

I hope I am not up all night like I was last night. I don’t think I can stand two nights in a row of not sleeping and being in pain all night. It might drive my death date sooner rather than later. I’m so tired of being in pain.

Christmas 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Christmas 2016

Merry Christmas to all my readers that celebrate it. Happy Hanukah for my Jewish readers and Happy Holidays to those that celebrate other holidays that I don’t know about!

It’s been an interesting day. I had a difficult morning and I still feel wicked sad about it. The grief for my father has been overwhelming the events of the morning, just making everything worse. I still feel weepy at times.

I had Christmas dinner with my family. I really didn’t want to go but my sister threatened to drag me if I didn’t so I went reluctantly. After dinner and desserts, I started to feel really sad and felt like crying so I said good-bye to all and came back to the comfort of my room. I was talking with my nephew. He looked like he was really depressed. He might have been tired. I am not sure which. I felt bad for him. We talked about stuff but nothing in great detail. I am sure he misses his grandfather like I was missing him. It’s the first Christmas without my father so it’s the hardest.

I never watched the movie last night. I was talking with a friend through FB and then it was time to take my meds. I felt sleepy so I told her goodnight. A few hours later, I was still up and wanted to talk to someone so I PM’d her to see if she was still awake and wanted to chat. She was so we talked some more. My meds kicked in and I finally fell asleep. I had told her good night again before doing so.

I completed my reading challenge last night. I read 23 books this year. I really wanted to read 40 but this year was not the year for it. I think I am going to read Harry Potter and the Cursed Child next. It should be easy as it’s all dialogue. Maybe I will end up with 24 books read if I finish it by New Years Eve.

Man, I had a sip of some spiked eggnog and got a wicked headache. It tasted more like a Pina colada. I didn’t like it at all. I like coconuts but not as a flavor.

I’m going to write my will soon. I have decided to end things in the coming year. I just am deeply upset over things that happened this morning and what was said and done cannot be undone or unsaid. Two bad days in a span of 48 hours have really taken a toll on me. I need to finalized things. I know what needs to be done because I had the experience with my father’s death. I don’t know when I will die, probably when I feel things are settled. I will go on like I usually do so my family doesn’t have a clue. If they read this blog, I don’t care. They are not living my life. They don’t know the amount of pain that I deal with on a daily basis. They don’t know how deep my depressions run. I am tired of explaining why I won’t see this doctor or that. I know they don’t have answers for me anymore. If 15 doctors can’t figure out what is wrong with me but 3 have told me that I have CRPS then that is good enough for me. Trouble is, there is no real treatment for it other than opioids. And I am tired of taking them around the clock.

wired as the pain comes back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wired as the pain comes back

I felt crappy this morning. Ankle was hurting so I took some pills. I waited till my mother left the house so the house would be mine and quiet as I made breakfast once the pain settled down. She left and so did my pain a few minutes later. I made my breakfast and was feeling pretty good that I was somewhat pain free.

I came back to my room and I had just enough time to catch the next bus to the Square to get espresso. I made it and had six shots of espresso. I got loaded off caffeine. Four shots weren’t doing it so I added two more. That did it and my heart was racing. It felt pretty good. I went to Walgreens on the way home to pick up my meds and avoided the ramp that usually hurts my ankle. Didn’t matter though. My ankle decided it was going to start up again. Meds had apparently wore off by this point.

I came back to my room and got undressed. I took off my sock as carefully as I could and it didn’t matter. My fucking foot exploded. Dammit! My bladder said it had to go so I had to go downstairs. Fuck. I went to the bathroom and washed my hands. I kind of always do after using public transportation to avoid getting sick. My mother made spinach and I had some then told my mother I was going to be in a drug haze as my foot flared up again. She wanted me to call the doctor and I said yeah, whatever. My foot is becoming more sensitive and I know no doctor can tell me why. Just the way the pain syndrome goes I guess. I didn’t have any injury to my foot, not recently anyways. There is no bruising or discoloration. It just hurts like a SOB for no goddamn reason. I have thermal socks on now because my feet were cold after taking off my regular socks. My mother said that I should have left my socks on. I hate wearing socks that I wear out in the house. It just goes against my grain.

Now my bowels are screaming at me so I will have to go back downstairs again soon. I’m not surprised given the amount of caffeine I had. I hope I am productive with this amount of caffeination. But I know my strong pain pill will damper my wired self down a few notches. I was writing in my journal that I wanted to take my laptop to Starbucks tomorrow to write some thing from the Daily Word Prompts from WordPress. I have a whole bunch of them that I have saved. I think it would be better to write on the laptop than writing in a notebook and then typing up what I wrote. Just is more work for me, but sometimes, handwriting is better because there is free flow. I don’t know how I am going to feel tomorrow so it is on the back burner for now.