Tag: chronic illness

trapped in my room by pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Trapped in my room by pain

Today was so bloody cold. It was 6 degrees F when I woke up and then climbed to 13 degrees by the time I got to my appointment. The windchill was well below zero, like -19 degrees. I wore long johns so my legs didn’t freeze but they froze anyways. I am still thawing out.

My appointment with my psych went well as it can be. I told her the situation with my therapist. I told her I don’t think we can patch things up this time. She is just feeling too incompetent to be my therapist after all this time. I cried a little bit because I still think it’s my fault. I know in reality it’s not but I can’t help thinking that if I didn’t show her that damn blog, we would still be together. Even my psychiatrist said that my blog is supposed to be of my feelings and she doesn’t understand what has changed. I don’t get it either. That is the hard part of all this. But there is nothing I can do about it. I have tried and tried to deal with her and it’s just not working anymore.

After the appointment, I did an errand for my mother and went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. I needed a refill on my mood stabilizer but they didn’t get to it yet. I am glad it didn’t go to Arizona or left in cyberspace. I will pick it up tomorrow because as I was getting undressed when I got home, my sock decided it was going to kill my foot. I have no idea what happened. I took my sock off and my foot exploded in pain. I literally saw stars the pain was so bad. I can’t bear any weight on my foot so now I am trapped on my bed. I should have bought a burrito when I had the chance.

I called my mother and told her that I might be sleeping by the time dinner is ready. I explained that my foot exploded and she kind of flipped out as she never heard me call it that way before. I had to explain that I was in serious pain and took meds for it to calm down. I also took a baclofen because I started to get zaps in my good foot. Today is just not a good day.

I wanted to give my psych a piece of my pumpkin cake but I was too rushed this morning to grab it. My alarm went off early enough but I just didn’t get out of bed. By the time I did and washed up and brushed my teeth it was time to catch the bus. I am so tired and I really haven’t done too much today. I know it’s probably the pain meds that I took a half hour ago. I should have gotten some more espresso before going home. Plus being in pain is tiring. I told my psych about the cake and how I forgot it. She said that I just have to give it to her in the new year. I said ok. It’s my favorite cake so I don’t mind making it again. It’s really easy too. Much easier than the spice cake version.

Pain from the Midnight Demon

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain from the Midnight Demon

The last few hours have been excruciating. I have been troubled with the stubborn nerve pain that you can’t do anything about but pray the Neurontin kicks in before you take the entire bottle. I was contemplating that tonight. Just as I was about to take slumber, the nerve pain came out of no where and I was in agony. I played with the blankets. On and off. It made no difference. I hung the foot off the bed. No relief. Then I got nauseous. I had to take a Zofran. The other meds were making me sick because my body wanted to sleep but my damn foot was keeping me up.

Now it’s almost 3 in the morning and I show no signs of sleeping. I just took some pain meds to see if that quiets down the pain some. Maybe some physical pain is masking as nerve pain and that is keeping me up. I never know. My foot can’t talk but it can scream, like a baby in pain. It screams, I cry. There is no relieving this pain insight. Though the first dose of Neurontin seems to have kicked in. I had taken it hours ago. I swear it takes about four hours to relieve nerve pain. It never relieves it right away than say an aspirin relieves a headache.

I have taken all that I can take tonight, both medication wise and patience. Man how my patience runs low when I am in severe pain. I just know that later today I want a damn pizza and my cake. That is all that I want to eat. I am sure that if I fall asleep by 0400, I will wake up around 0900 or so. That always seems to be the case. Then I will have my cake for breakfast and then wait till noon for my pizza. Maybe I will order fries too. I don’t know. I got a good 12 hours before I order.

My computer was making some clicking sounds so I thought it was downloading some updates or running a virus scan. Turns out that for whatever reason, my virus protection software was uninstalled! I have no idea how this happened. Unless I uninstalled it with the intent or reinstalling but never did. But I am reloading it now as we speak. It should take a good half hour or so to download. It takes for ever. That is one thing I hate about McAfee. It a good program but it takes forever to scan and load.

Today my mother called me to find out if I was home. I haven’t left the house all day but she thought because I had an appointment, I would leave. It was a phone therapy appointment so I wasn’t going to leave. She drives me crazy because she knows I have this appointment every week and I keep having to remind her that. Anyways she called and asked what was wrong. I told her I was tired as I didn’t sleep good last night because of pain. She then wants me to go to a small hospital in Boston that specializes in bone. I am tired of seeing doctors and even if I decided to go, who would I see? What kind of doctor? Surgeon? Physiatrist? Ortho? Neuro? I can’t just walk in the place and say, “See me”! She doesn’t get it and it pisses me off to no end. I have been to this hospital before when I first had my back surgery and the doctor just wanted to do injections. I said see ya later. Never went back to him. But he did give me a good recommendation on a book called “Back Pain for Dummies”. Surprisingly, the book actually has the red flags of Cauda Equina Syndrome in it. Great book! It lists all the PT exercises that I have been doing up until that point and more. I shared it will my support group and number of people have bought it. I even bought several copies of it to give to friends and family. I don’t know where the extra copies are now but I know I still have a few.

I really want to make oatmeal pancakes. I have been craving them for a while. Maybe I will make them later today instead of eating cake for breakfast. I would make them now but I hate clean up. I am hungry though as it has been more than eight hours since I last ate. I can have cake now and then the pancakes later. Yes that is what I am going to do.

dentist, baking, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dentist, baking, and other things

I went to the dentist this morning. I wasn’t spared a cavity and need to go back tomorrow morning to have it filled. UGH. He also told me that I need to brush better on my back molars or I will get another one on my back tooth. Trouble is, that area always makes me gag so I am careful to avoid it. Now I will have to take Zofran before brushing my teeth or something. I hate getting my teeth drilled. I’m glad I went as I was sure I was going to have to cancel because of the weather.

It snowed but it has pretty much cleared by the time I had my appointment. The streets were wet but not icy as the temp had climb up a little bit. I was sweating by the time I reached the office building with my heavy sweatshirt and jacket. I didn’t wear the jacket on the way home. I was too warm and the office was really warm. I needed to cool off some.

I still plan on making my cake today. I need to rest right now as my ankle is being a brat. My right ankle was hurting as I was walking for some reason. That pain has gone away, thank god. I can’t have both ankles hurting me. That will so suck. I need the pain meds to do their magic before I start baking.

I took a nap for a couple of hours after I made some breakfast. My niece was pounding on the back porch door and woke me up. My mother wasn’t home yet so I had to go downstairs and let her in. I thought it was odd that my mother wasn’t home as she left early this morning. Then I remembered that she had a funeral to go to and those usually last all day. I had just started making my cake when she came home. The cake came out awesome and I put chocolate mini chips on the top of the cool whip. I need to let it cool completely before having a piece. I will probably have some tomorrow.

By the time everything was said and done, my ankle was barking at me. I even sat while mixing the cake so I don’t know why it’s so angry. It’s so damn finicky. I had emailed my psychiatrist sometime before going to la la land last night but haven’t heard back from her. I didn’t sleep well as the stupid strong pain pill made me dopey and only let me sleep for two hour intervals. It sucked. I really didn’t think I was going to wake up in time for my dentist appointment but I did. I hope tonight is better. Least now I know that when I have that slicing, piercing pain to take the strong pain pill because the regular pain meds just aren’t going to cut it.

Saturday Blog 71

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 71

I have been in bed all day due to pain. My mother forced me to wake up around 1000 because the vacuum cleaner repair guy was coming. She wasn’t feeling well and had to lie down. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait too long for the guy and then I went back to sleep. Despite me being in bed all day, the pain persisted. I had a few weird dreams, one of which was about my therapist. All I know is, I called her and she called me a bitch. That is all I remember.

I didn’t eat anything because I haven’t been out of bed. When I did get up, I had some eggplant my mother made and then some cookies. I didn’t care for anything else. I plan on taking my meds soon, even though it’s early. I don’t care. I just want to sleep so I am not in pain.

While I was reading Twitter today, it was learned that Russia interfered with the election to get their man elected. Just wonderful. I really hope they try him for treason and void the election results to give it to HRC. But I know I am dreaming.