Pain from the Midnight Demon

Pain from the Midnight Demon

The last few hours have been excruciating. I have been troubled with the stubborn nerve pain that you can’t do anything about but pray the Neurontin kicks in before you take the entire bottle. I was contemplating that tonight. Just as I was about to take slumber, the nerve pain came out of no where and I was in agony. I played with the blankets. On and off. It made no difference. I hung the foot off the bed. No relief. Then I got nauseous. I had to take a Zofran. The other meds were making me sick because my body wanted to sleep but my damn foot was keeping me up.

Now it’s almost 3 in the morning and I show no signs of sleeping. I just took some pain meds to see if that quiets down the pain some. Maybe some physical pain is masking as nerve pain and that is keeping me up. I never know. My foot can’t talk but it can scream, like a baby in pain. It screams, I cry. There is no relieving this pain insight. Though the first dose of Neurontin seems to have kicked in. I had taken it hours ago. I swear it takes about four hours to relieve nerve pain. It never relieves it right away than say an aspirin relieves a headache.

I have taken all that I can take tonight, both medication wise and patience. Man how my patience runs low when I am in severe pain. I just know that later today I want a damn pizza and my cake. That is all that I want to eat. I am sure that if I fall asleep by 0400, I will wake up around 0900 or so. That always seems to be the case. Then I will have my cake for breakfast and then wait till noon for my pizza. Maybe I will order fries too. I don’t know. I got a good 12 hours before I order.

My computer was making some clicking sounds so I thought it was downloading some updates or running a virus scan. Turns out that for whatever reason, my virus protection software was uninstalled! I have no idea how this happened. Unless I uninstalled it with the intent or reinstalling but never did. But I am reloading it now as we speak. It should take a good half hour or so to download. It takes for ever. That is one thing I hate about McAfee. It a good program but it takes forever to scan and load.

Today my mother called me to find out if I was home. I haven’t left the house all day but she thought because I had an appointment, I would leave. It was a phone therapy appointment so I wasn’t going to leave. She drives me crazy because she knows I have this appointment every week and I keep having to remind her that. Anyways she called and asked what was wrong. I told her I was tired as I didn’t sleep good last night because of pain. She then wants me to go to a small hospital in Boston that specializes in bone. I am tired of seeing doctors and even if I decided to go, who would I see? What kind of doctor? Surgeon? Physiatrist? Ortho? Neuro? I can’t just walk in the place and say, “See me”! She doesn’t get it and it pisses me off to no end. I have been to this hospital before when I first had my back surgery and the doctor just wanted to do injections. I said see ya later. Never went back to him. But he did give me a good recommendation on a book called “Back Pain for Dummies”. Surprisingly, the book actually has the red flags of Cauda Equina Syndrome in it. Great book! It lists all the PT exercises that I have been doing up until that point and more. I shared it will my support group and number of people have bought it. I even bought several copies of it to give to friends and family. I don’t know where the extra copies are now but I know I still have a few.

I really want to make oatmeal pancakes. I have been craving them for a while. Maybe I will make them later today instead of eating cake for breakfast. I would make them now but I hate clean up. I am hungry though as it has been more than eight hours since I last ate. I can have cake now and then the pancakes later. Yes that is what I am going to do.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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