Tag: chronic illness

16 Aug 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

16 Aug 2018

I must have spent too much time in the kitchen. I am sneezing like crazy. The pollen count is high. I am going to take my night meds soon, which has my Allegra. Speaking of Allegra, I got two DMs from them on Twitter, wanting my information. I just ignored them. I use the generic version as it is so much cheaper than the brand name. So even if they send me coupons, it will not equal the quantity I get at the generic price.

I slept most of the day because I was up most of the night. I think I fell asleep around 4 am. I was in a lot of pain. It made feel really sad and suicidal. I have no idea what I did to set it off but the pain continued into today after I did some dishes and made dinner for my mother. My mother didn’t do the dishes after she ate so they are staying there. I can’t do them. I am hurting too much.

Luke Combs just released a new song and video for She got the best of me. I love this song so much. Actually, there isn’t a song on the deluxe album that I don’t like. Some I like more than others, like Lonely One, One number away, Hurricane, and Must have never met you. Some how these songs will make it to my top 25 list. I’ll probably make a playlist with just these songs.

I have to leave the house around 0640 tomorrow to be at my PT appt because the bus I normally take doesn’t go there at that hour. I have to take the bus to the station to transfer to another bus. I set my alarm for 6 so I can make iced coffee. I still have two brownies left over from the week. Either they will be breakfast or a pop tart will. I don’t think I will have time to cook, unless I get up earlier, which isn’t happening. If I happen to wake up before my alarm, I will think about it. I just hope my damn ankle doesn’t wake me up. I forgot to tell the dickhead doc that I have been waking up in pain. Not that it would change his mind on changing my dose. Not unless I bring him some research articles to shove in his face. I am a bad search person on PubMed so my query was met with zero. I have to look up how to do a search in PubMed. I never was good at it, especially when I went to college. I was better at PsychLit.

There is no ballgame tonight but there is a preseason football game. Pats are leading 17-0 right now against the Eagles. Some idiot had a plane with the score from the SuperBowl fly over Gillette Stadium. So stupid. One player was carted off the field with an ankle injury. Must have been bad because they took the cart to the locker room. That almost never happens. And he was a new player, too. Hope he is okay.

14 Aug 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

14 Aug 18

The lunatic didn’t come over and I was grateful. I woke up around 0330 to go to the bathroom and then was up for a bit. Think I read some of my book until meds kicked in to bring me back to sleep. I didn’t sleep long, just about 4 hours or so. I got up around 11. I saw on the little table by the stairs that my mother had mail and her walgreens gift card. Guess I was going out. Wasn’t a big deal as I wanted to see if they had this Epsom salt rub. They didn’t have it in stock (this store really never has things in stock, they have a sale and the item will have no stock!) The only store that had it was the one in Malden. I would have to wait till Friday as that was when I was going near there. I went to the bakery for bread and mailed somethings. On the way home, I stopped at the other drug store and they had the item. Score! I used it once I cooled off. I was soaked with sweat by the time I walked around the block, so to speak.

I used the stuff and within a few minutes, my legs weren’t that achy anymore. But the stuff left a residue on my legs. I didn’t like it but as long as it took care of the pain, I don’t care. I can use it as much as I want. Stuff does take a while to dry but not a long time. I’ll probably shower tomorrow as I need to get blood work done. My psych wanted to check things. She never responded to my email about if a bmp was ordered or not. Be curious if my sodium is still above normal.

I asked my mother if she wanted burgers for supper and she did. I knew my niece wasn’t going to eat burgers so I asked if she wanted mac and cheese. She did. So for dinner I was making burgers, tater tots, and mac and cheese. I was a chef for a bit. I spent most of my time on my feet doing the various things that needed doing. I ended up burning my muffin because I forgot about it. I had sat down to eat some tater tots while it was toasting and forgot about it so it burned. Glad I didn’t have a fire alarm in the kitchen, which is weird. But the door was open to let the smell out. I was planning on doing the dishes when my friend called. I was talking to him until my sister and my cousin and her baby came over. I then said I had to go as I had company. I played with the baby for a bit and then my sister accidently kicked my bad ankle. That was all it needed. I asked her if she could do the dishes and she had an ass ache (aka was lazy and didn’t want to do it). She asked her son to do it and he had a back ache. I told my mother I was going to rest a bit and then I will do the dishes later when meds work. I went upstairs to cool off and rest a bit. My phone needed charging. I tried to write the blog earlier but internet browsing kept me from my task. I finally stopped just before my med alarm was to go off. My right sprained ankle hurts so I don’t know if the dishes are going to get done.

I can’t fricken believe I did all that with two messed up ankles. But now that I am resting, I ma hurting. My mother was like just sit on the couch. She doesn’t get that my leg needs to me elevated to stop hurting. I need my bed to ease the pressure. It has been the only thing that sometimes helps. Not all the time as sometimes my pain is worse. But that is when NOTHING helps it. I just hope it doesn’t swell with it being down so much today. I hate days where I am supposed to rest and I do a million things. Not big things but enough to hurt really bad during the night. I was telling my mother this and she said don’t say it. I was like I can’t help it, my ankle knows when it is 2100 and it acts up. Or 2000. It doesn’t care. It will hurt just by me getting more comfortable in bed. Or without moving. No rhyme or reason. Just acts up when it wants to. And there is little I can do when it does.

Baseball is on and I am going to take my meds as my thigh is cramping up and then turn on the radio. They are already leading 1-0, scoring first! Should be a good game. They are playing the Phillies.

Lunatic and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Lunatic and other things

So this was my FB post around 11 this morning:

“I didn’t go today. My foot was bothering me when I woke. Then my lunatic aunt gives me a heart attack as she goes up the stairs. I thought something was wrong with my mother. I get up, painfully walk to my bedroom door to see what was the matter and it was NOTHING. She was just “talking”. Are you kidding me? So then I had to pee. Legs are shot. Calves are killing me. Went to the bathroom and then out to the porch to grab some cereal. And she starts asking how are you in a sweet sick voice. I lost it on her. Told her she has no consideration for anyone but her. Then she says, well I thought you went out. That just sent me off. lunatic. I am so upset right now. And I know she doesn’t feel a damn thing.”

When I finally got up around 330 pm, the lunatic was gone and my cousin (her son) was calling me. Since my blow up, she didn’t yell at all. She also said maybe I wasn’t going to be here for three days. I was like good, don’t. You are not helping anyway, but I didn’t. I just had my cereal. I was upset that I stood up for myself. I am so tired of her walking in the door, screaming bloody murder for my mother, alarming the hell out of me for nothing. I didn’t pick up when my cousin called. I wasn’t in the mood to talk. I was trying to rest because my calves were still sore and walking was difficult. I needed some Icy Hot or something. I knew it would stink but I didn’t care. I was so desperate for my muscles to stop aching so bad.

I got up to eat, my mother wanted some boiled eggs and I heated up the boiled dinner my bro in law made. The potatoes and carrots were good. The meat was just fat. Then I had my brownies that I made. I was going to have them for dinner but decided to have the boiled dinner instead. My mother made the boiled eggs the way she likes them with vinegar and oil, salt and pepper. I just eat it with a little salt and toast. She was getting around pretty better but I could tell the weather was wreaking havoc on her legs.

All day I felt guilty for staying in bed. I really wanted to see my cousins. But I was in too much pain. I used rubbing alcohol and that helped some. My cousins hoped I felt better. I hope we can see each other again without a death or wedding in between. I hate being a chronic pain person. I slept like shit. I was waking up every few hours. I know I must have taken another BT med around 6 am because I was hurting. My damn ankle pain did not want to let up. I was tossing and turning most of the night. It was awful.

I had decided that I was going to end things this week and then my sister said it was going to be raining Friday. Fucking A. Seriously?? I have to go to PT. I am going to get soaked. I was planning on dying this day. Now I got to pick another damn day. I am so mad!

My friend, who is a nurse and has the same type of nerve injury of me, have been talking about my pain doc situation. I don’t think she understands me when I email her. Her responses are way out there and then I am like what the fuck are you saying? Then I am like what did I write. I read what I wrote in the email to her and there was nothing to suggest what her response is like. So I am just ignoring it because I can’t deal. She is a good friend but sometimes, we just don’t understand what we are saying. So weird and frustrating.

No ballgame tonight. Sox are 50 games over 500. It is ridiculous. They are on pace for at least 115 games. That will be the most they have won since I have been alive. This team is unreal. I love them so much. I am going to try and read Poe Shadow tonight. I fell asleep before I could read last night plus my concentration wasn’t all that great because of pain. I am really trying my best to read as a distraction than use social media as most of it is all political bullshit of the Orange Buffoon. I haven’t been on Twitter too much other than to post shit and then I get off. I check my notifications a few hours later. Twitter has become so political lately about everything. Every candidate and representative is under fire. I hate it. I just want to see kitten and puppy pic or videos. And stupid shit like people posting their dinners and stuff. Back when Twitter was fun. It’s not fun anymore. Maybe I should stop following the people and only those that are kittens and puppies. I don’t know. Weeding through 1,000 people is hard. I have turned off seeing people’s retweets, which has helped some. I really wish I was in academia. I think if I was in school, things would be better and I would be intellectually stimulated more. Facebook is just a thing to do. Thankfully it has become less political, least on my page. I tend to hide the stuff that irritate and annoy me.

Sunday 12 Aug 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday 12 Aug 18

I did a lot today when I didn’t want to. I planned on doing the laundry and then resting the rest of the day. My mother decided to call me before 10 am to do it as she emptied the hamper in the bathroom but couldn’t pick up the clothes to bring them in the kitchen. When I got downstairs, I said you should have brought the hamper to the kitchen. She said old habits. She needs new habits as it is much easier to drag an empty hamper to the bathroom than bring multiple loads of clothes to the kitchen. UGH. I put the sorted clothes in the hamper and just dragged it. It was easier to load the washer that way. It was around noon time so I asked my mother what she wanted for lunch. I was thinking tuna and she did too. But I didn’t make “my” tuna. I made hers, which has no taste to it. I didn’t enjoy my lunch.

I had to make brownies as I am seeing my cousins tomorrow. I am to bringing dessert. My cousin is providing lunch. I might bring my bathing suit as she has a pool but it’s supposed to be rainy so not sure it will happen. It will depend how my pain will be. I have to make sure I bring my BT meds with me, just in case.

My feet are dog tired right now. I helped my mother with dinner, which made my dinner warm. I had made a frozen dinner as I didn’t know what else to make. My mother came into the kitchen just as it popped out of the microwave. I was so tired and then while cleaning up, my ankle gave out, painfully. I am seriously debating on putting the heating pad on my feet.

Last night I finished Norse Mythology. I had read one chapter yesterday, with the goal of finishing it later in the day and I did it. It is such a fun book. I really love it. Now I just got to work my way through Poe Shadow by Matthew Pearl. I am going to try and read two chapters after I finish this blog. I wanted to change my sheets today but with the urgency of having to do laundry, I completely forgot. I kind of got the clothes off my bed that needed washing so that was good. Now I just got to clear the corner that likes to get cluttered. It mostly has papers that need to be recycled in the shredder. I think I am going to bring the shredder up to my room and just spend the day doing that. I have a box full of them. Or maybe I will just tape up the box and send it off to a shredder company, LOL. That would be easier.

I had to take a shower today because they are working on our sewer lines and our water would be rusty. My right foot cramped up, twice. It disrupted my routine and I forgot to rinse off half my body as I just wanted to get the fuck out of the shower. So I turned the water back on to rinse off. I was not happy. I dried quickly, though I forgot my back as I was putting my clothes on. I should have just grabbed my clothes and went to my room. I hate being so discombobulated. I was talking to a friend about shaving my head and he told me how to care for the razor and to use a clear gel or oil as dry shaving takes out the skins stuff. So when I get paid next week, I will get some. I am not sure if Walgreens will have it. I will check it out but if it is more than Amazon or CVS, forget. I have been going through blades like crazy and they are really expensive. I am thinking of joining a shaver’s club so I can get them cheaper. I was looking at Gillette as that is what I use and I really like their razors. I have been using them for years. I might get a new handle and use that as my mother has been using mine and doesn’t clean it after she uses it on the few hairs she has on her chin. Pisses me off. Just another thing to get next week. Seems every month I have new things to buy and my budget just gets smaller and smaller. I am also going to a wedding next month so I need to budget for that. I got on a trial for my grocery deliveries so now I am no longer paying $7 in fees. Sweet!