Tag: chronic pain

Agitated, depression, and pain don’t mix

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Agitated, depression, and pain don’t mix

I am feeling wicked agitated right now and I don’t know why. I just bought 10 books for $15 about the business of writing. Lawrence Block sent out the link and I wanted to get it before it disappeared forever. I could buy the book individually but it would cost me more than $15. I had a little trouble getting the last 5 books. It wouldn’t sync to my tablet. Then the whole 10 started so I had to delete the duplicates. I was getting really annoyed.

Then I kept thinking about my father. My sister had invited me to lunch on Saturday. She works in the same town my father lived, literally down the street from him. I was going to ask if she was going to swing by my father’s to check on him. I had to bite my tongue and it’s killing me that he isn’t around anymore. I can’t believe I am missing him. This is something I was not expecting.

Then my foot/ankle (left/bad) is killing me. I can’t seem to get the pain under control. I have taken two pills before 1800. So now that it’s 2200, I took two more. I know it’s because the doc had move my foot in ways that it doesn’t like to be moved. And he was pressing on the part of my ankle that is really sore. So the whole fucking thing is aggravated, which is annoying and pissing me off because I really want to get to sleep. I wish there was a baseball game playing that I could watch but I no longer have the MLB network.

Another thing that was pissing me off is that the Sox drafted a high schooler and people were comparing him to a pitcher that now sucks for the Sox. They are worried about how he is going to spend his money and things like that. UM, we didn’t get him for his financial spending. We got him for his pitching. I guess this kid was pretty excited because he really wanted to play for us. Hell, if I was drafted by my dream team, I’d be pretty excited, too. I just hope he pans out. Last year we had a problem with a young player that thought he was above the law because he was a baseball player. He went away. I forget his name.

I have been listening to my music the last few hours to try and distract me. Some songs are helpful. Others, I have to skip, which annoys me. Also, I had to put the do not disturb function on my phone because I kept getting text messages from the T with delays. I am just in a wicked agitated state. I might have to take some trilafon. I don’t think this agitation is good. I don’t know what brought it on. I know I am still annoyed I still have my menses. I thought it was going away this morning because things were clear. But as the day progress, that wasn’t the case. I am so pissed off I got to deal with this. I really want a hysterectomy. I am going to ask my NP if I can get one. I have no use for my uterus. It really is useless.

I still am depressed. I thought I was “recovered” from it but I guess it’s still sticking around. The gray clouds have shown up. I just feel so bogged down. I know it’s because I am still a fucking female. I hate my breasts and I hate myself for not doing something about it when I had the chance to. If I had a noodle in my brain, I could have used one of my credit cards to get the surgery to remove them. But it’s too late now. Now I got to see if my insurance will cover the cost of removing them and I have no idea what the copay, if any, it will be. Not that I wish cancer on anyone but if breast cancer ran in my family I could possibly get them removed as a proactive case to prevent the cancer from showing up. But nope. Cancer doesn’t really run in the family. God I hate myself. I just want to die. I could kill myself now and then worry about nothing. I am such a fucking idiot. A complete loser. I really loathe myself and there is nothing to contradict this. I am just a scumbag.

Cold June Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cold June Day

The temperature never got above 60 degrees today and the wind made it feel colder than that. The house is cold so I had to put on my winter PJs and a long sleeved t-shirt. I am glad I wore a sweater when I went to the docs because it was chilly. I still wore shorts, which wasn’t too bad.

The doc said all I need is physical therapy. Something about exo-something exercises. I remembered the word when I left the office. Now I forgot it. He says it could be weeks to months to get better. Wonderful. The story of my life! I have to get something complicated. Can’t be something easily fixed. Now the question is where the fuck do I go for therapy? If I go to SRH I have to fax the prescription before they’ll even call me to set up an appointment. There is the place I went to 10 years ago but I don’t know if they are still there.

I figured out how I missed a day of blogging, but not really. I published something 5 minutes past midnight on the 25th so that means I was working on a blog but didn’t publish it in time. Think I am going to change the time so there is a blog for that day. Otherwise, I got to start over and that just isn’t sitting well with me.

My ankles are hurting me from all the poking and manipulating the doc did. My left is hurting me more than my right. My feet are also feeling really cold so I put on some thermal socks. I am very tired as I left the house early this morning and didn’t come home till around 1600. It’s been a long day. I had my iced coffee. I changed it up a little. I added mocha to it, which I will never to again. It just made the coffee really bitter. I couldn’t finish drinking the whole thing because my bladder was full. I must have drank ¾ of it.

My sister called me wanting to go out to lunch Saturday. She is working and I almost asked her if she was going over my father’s after work. I had to bite my tongue. It just sent off a wave of grief. She decided to have burgers at home as my other sister brought some from her work. I have been meaning to have a burger. Wendy’s has been advertising a mozzarella and bacon burger. I am so glad I don’t own a car because I would be going to Wendy’s every time their commercial came on TV or the radio or the internet. I like Wendy’s more than I like McDonalds or Burger King. I usually just eat their chicken sandwiches but every now and then I will have their burgers. I am such a carnivore.

I texted my therapist that I didn’t need a brace or surgery for my ankle. I told her I should just seriously look into hiring a personal physical therapist that is trained in the ankles and back. I doubt I would be able to find a girlfriend that is one. That would be kind of awesome. I just worry that the stress of putting my weight on my left ankle is going to give me more pain. I have to seriously weigh this out, which is why I want someone that is willing to work with me as this isn’t just a simple case of Achilles tendonosis. Well, it is. Except I don’t have a healthy opposite ankle to work with. I am going to look up the exercises. Maybe I can do them at home. He did show me one while in the office that I am going to try out. He did say that the lump will always be there. I just need to strengthen the tendon so it’s not so “stringy”.

Chronic Pain, CBT, and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Chronic Pain, CBT, and Suicide

I recently read an article written by Psychology Today that stated “opioids are not useful for chronic pain”. Where this psychologist got his information from I have no clue. He says the CDC has “studied the data for years” yet didn’t quote or reference this data in his article. Yet based on this stupid article, my life and well being are in jeopardy. I am so angered by this article that calls for CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) as a treatment to cope with pain. The problem lies in many factors. CBT doesn’t work for everyone for every condition. It certainly didn’t work for me when I tried it many years ago for my depression. It was too complicated and I didn’t have the patience to sift through a packet of 30 or so pages of the treatment homework. I wanted relief, like most patients/clients do, NOW. Second, coping with pain doesn’t mean that it goes away. And in the mist of a flare up, do you really THINK I am going to go through a packet of 30 odd pages to find relief? Thirdly, not all therapists are trained in cognitive behavior therapy. There is only ONE psychologist that I know in the Boston area that is specialized in pain, let alone trying to find a CBT therapist. You have to seriously try and find out if they do this specialized therapy. But there lies the rub that if you are suicidal, like I am, you could be denied this treatment.

I understand there are many deaths from overdoses due to opioid medications and that is a sad fact that I am not trying to minimize. But denying these life saving drugs to patients and telling them to go to therapy to cope is negligent and harmful as well as may lead to MORE suicides. New York state recently is denying up to 10,000 patients pain medication/treatment because the doctor treating them is indicted for charges that I don’t know about. My friend is one of his patients and she is screwed because a pediatrician has stated that anyone that gives pain meds to these patients will be drummed up on charges. Three patients have died by suicide since this has happened. And that is only the ones we know about.

In my response to the article, which I publicly made at my own risk, I asked, how many deaths do you want? Try suicides. I have been afraid of admitting being a chronic pain patient because I am frightened that the DEA will charge through my door, though I do not abuse, sell, or misuse my medication. I barely take the 4 pills a day that I am allowed to take because sometimes I just am not in that much pain that day. Other days, I am taking it around the clock to ease my pain. And guess what, it works for my pain in combination with the other meds that I take.

The preface of this whole article was the death of Prince. But it still has not been discovered, least to my knowledge as of yet, that what he was taking was prescribed or illicit. If anything, Fentynal is a dangerous drug when used with other opioids. I had a friend’s neighbor die of an overdose with this medication. There were other circumstances surrounding her death, such as seeing other providers who had no clue she was taking other pain medications. Now there are network of pharmacies that are cracking down on this practice. I only use one pharmacy for ALL my meds because of convenience. I also see one provider for my medication in their respective specialties. I don’t see my PCP’s NP for my psych meds nor do I see my psychiatrist for my blood pressure meds. That is just silly.

This article had me so upset that I was almost to the point of being suicidally paranoid. I was developing a delusion that my pain meds were going to be taken away from me and if that ever is the case, the doctor will have to sign my death certificate. I will die by suicide and I don’t need medications to complete it. I am in therapy. It is more psychodynamic than another specialized modality. It is what keeps me sane at times. But the threat of losing my pain medication is real. If I am ever forced to stop my medication and be subjected to therapy other than what I am already in, I will kill myself. The pain is just too great, too torturous. And I won’t have a piece of paper telling me to cope with the pain when a pill can do just fine.

Can’t Stand Being in Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can’t stand being in pain

I went downstairs for a little snack and nearly fell when I pivoted on my “good” foot. That nearly threw my back out on me, which was already killing me. I still cannot stand up straight without severe pain and spasms. I have been trying to rest but it hasn’t been easy. I have a pillow that is made for sitting on the bed to read and it is helping to straighten out my back some so I can read a little more comfortably. I read another chapter in the “Risk management with suicidal patients”. I have a chapter and a half left and then I will be done. I am proud that I finally finished a book. Next will be Harry Potter.

I got a signed copy of Neil Gaiman’s latest book today called “the view from the cheap seats”. It was bigger than I thought it was. It is giving me ideas on how I should proceed on my book, if I ever get back to it.

All my nerves are angry with me right now and I don’t like it. I took plenty of pain pills tonight so ease my discomfort. I might have to take a stronger one to ease things. Tomorrow I am not doing shit. I am only leaving my bed to use the bathroom and eat something. I think I will just have Ensure as I am not going to be doing much and I don’t want to be loaded with calories. My therapist won’t be pleased but I really need to watch my weight. I have been creeping up since I left the hospital, which hasn’t helped my back any.

It’s really bothering me that this pain has been going on for days now. I thought I was getting better but then I got up to get a snack and I am hurting again. That is when I took an extra pain pill. Now I have pain going down my leg and my crotch is on fire. Damn nerve pain. I don’t usually get pain there except when my back pain is really bad. I know I will be fine tomorrow. I just did too much today with getting the book in Harvard Sq. It was quite a trek for someone who has a bad back. I was tempted to take a cab home but I didn’t because I didn’t have enough money on me. And it would have cost me at least $20 to get home. The price of a cab has gone up. It used to be $15, plus tip.

I have therapy tomorrow. I am glad I can have it in the comfort of my room. I sometimes like having phone sessions but sometimes I want to meet in person. I try to see her at least once a month with the zipcar. I really like driving out to see her, when I am well. I would have seen her today had my back been ok. Damn weather is screwing me over. I hate being in this much pain. It’s awful. I just want to cry, but I know it’s not going to help. I just feel so useless. I can’t walk, I can’t stand, I can’t sit for too long. It sucks.

This morning I tried to do some PT exercises but I was in too much pain. Any movement of my pelvis caused me severe pain. And that is where most of my pain is. My lower back. I can’t even rub it out because it’s so sore. The weather really needs to be stable so the “switch” can go back off and I won’t be in so much pain. I hate these flare ups. I am trying not to get me down, but it’s hard because I can hardly move or do anything that I used to enjoy. I can’t walk that far. Just walking to the bus stop today nearly killed me, and that is only a block and half from my house. I have become such an invalid. Today I saw an older gentleman on a scooter and thought, that would be perfect for me. I am 40 years old and I am thinking of getting around in a scooter because of pain. How fucking sad is that.