Tag: chronic pain

Back Pain Sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Back Pain Sucks

I woke up with more back pain. It was hot in my room so I turned the AC on to cool off. I wanted to go back to sleep but I never did, despite taking my pain medications. Before I knew it, it was time for therapy. I had to apologize for not being able to give her some of my sauce and not being there in person. She understood because once she saw the photo I sent of my sauce, she wanted some, too. She also understood and didn’t want me driving in pain.

We talked about various things in therapy, mostly about PTSD symptoms as they have been cropping up as well as the weird dreams I have been having lately. I am afraid to sleep during the day because REM sleep comes so quickly. Normally, REM is achieved within 90 minutes of sleep. I am achieving it within 45, so half the time. If the dreams were pleasant, I wouldn’t mind but they are just weird and sometimes disturbing.

After therapy, I waited at the bus stop when my cousin drove by. He gave me a ride to Starbucks and I got a soy latte. My friend gave me the idea to get a double shot espresso over ice and pour milk over it. It’s the same as a latte except you are adding the milk so technically aren’t paying for it. I wanted to try it today but couldn’t. The iced soy latte was good enough for me. Maybe Thursday I will try it. Tomorrow I am NOT going out because I really need to rest my back as it’s not getting better. I ordered a book at a local bookstore and went to pick it up. I was in agony the whole way there. Luckily, I took a pain medication before I left and so by the time I was on my way home, my pain was a little less. It still hurt to walk though. I couldn’t straighten out. I should have used my cane but sometimes the cane is more cumbersome than helpful.

I wanted to write when I got to Starbucks but there were no seats available so I went to the bookstore. I am turning in a real Neil Gaiman fan. My therapist keeps calling me a guy and it’s so cute when she says it. I have to laugh. I do love it because no one else really sees me as a guy. Once I have my breast surgery, I will file for my sex change. Until then, I will keep things as it is. I told her I was going to change my name sometime next month. I got the forms but I need my birth certificate before I do anything. Crap, I meant to deposit some money in my checking account today so I can mail out the payment for it. Pain sucks because it distracts you. I just wanted to do what I had to do and then go home.

It was hot today but not as hot as I thought it would be. I still have the AC on because I can’t stand the heat. I am on the second floor so it’s kind of uncomfortable otherwise.

My therapist is happy that my depressive symptoms have been relieved. I am not as depressed as I was a month ago. I am eating and have my interests again. I even read two chapters in a book last night. I can’t remember the last time I did that. I feel good but it’s tinged with sadness from the grief I feel over the loss of my father. I told my therapist I haven’t been able to take the notepad out of my backpack to work on the story because it feels too heavy, emotionally. I know I will work on it, when I am ready. There’s no time table for me to work on it and it’s not like I have a deadline. I would like to work on my book. I have been thinking of writing an introduction. I still need to work on another story. Today I have been thinking of writing about the experience I had with this awful depression that lasted for nearly five months. I was reading some of my blogs from during this period. I have no idea how I was able to write every day as I was so down in the dumps.

But before I can do any writing, I need to get this back pain under control. I need to lay down and rest it. Sitting is not helping it and neither is walking around. But the problem is that I have been too restless to lie down. I seriously need to drug myself to get to sleep or at least rest. It’s just so difficult because I am in the agitated state of the depression. I don’t want to rely on Ativan to calm me down, even though it would help the spasms and pain that I am in. The baclofen doesn’t really help much and I don’t have a prescription for flexeril. I just have to create my own regimen and I know that laying down is what I need. I just wish I could read while doing it or write but I can’t. So tomorrow is going to be a serious rest day if I am still in pain.

Tough Decisions

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tough Decisions

Since Friday morning my back has been hurting moderately to severely. Saturday when I made the sauce, it almost went out on me completely because I washed the pots and pans. Today I made some pasta to go with the rest of the sauce and I am hurting. So I had a tough decision to make and that was to cancel my Zipcar for tomorrow to see my therapist in person. I don’t think I can drive for 45 minutes, sit for another 50 minutes, then drive another 45 minutes home. My back would kill me and I am already in no position to fight it. The temperatures have been made crazy with the humidity now creeping up.

I hated cancelling the car because I really wanted to see my therapist. I wanted to show her my writing of the story I am working on. But stupid back pain is preventing this from happening. I know once the temps level off I will be okay. I hate being sensitive to the weather changes but I don’t have a stable back. Just taking a shower today killed me. I had spasms in my lower back and could barely stand straight. I haven’t been able to stand up straight all weekend long. It’s been brutal.

My cousin called my sister to cancel seeing my godmother. She isn’t feeling well. I was so looking forward to seeing her too. She has been ill a lot lately but then she is 92. I am kind of glad I don’t have to get dressed and go out. My back would not be kind to me. I am getting a little bit of cabin fever though. I haven’t left the house since Friday. It’s supposed to be really hot tomorrow so I am not sure I will go out. I hate heat. Summer is not my favorite season.

Because of my back issues, I haven’t been able to clear my bed off to change my sheets. I was really hoping to do it this weekend but I wasn’t counting on being in pain. We did have rain for most of the morning and afternoon but now the humidity has been creeping up as well as the temp. It’s 74 degrees right now, up 10 from this morning. I have no idea if it’s going to increase or decrease for the night. I just know I need my pain meds and need to lie down. Maybe wear a heating pad too.

Ankle Chronicles 12

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle Chronicles 12

I haven’t written a chronicle in a while so I thought I would as my ankle is being a fucker right now and I don’t know why. I didn’t do anything like I did yesterday so not sure if this is a delayed reaction or what. I just know that I am in pain.

I ordered my Chinese food tonight. My stomach is nice and bloated. I don’t know why I was eating while standing. That might be why my ankle is upset with me. I then stood to finish watching the game. Sox came back in the 11th inning to win 5-3. I usually stand in the kitchen because the box is hard to read, even with my glasses on, when I am sitting. I like to see the pitch count and other stuff. I finally figured out today what the fourth box was when they showed the score. It was LOB, left on base. I don’t know why they are showing this stat. It’s annoying.

Pain begins in my ankle and then trickles down my foot into my toes. It drives me nuts that this is the pattern every single night. Then when it is in my toes, I am in agony. I have yet to figure out the right combination of pain meds to stop it or at least decrease my pain. If I take it before it starts, I have a good chance but it’s hard to tell because I never know how severe the pain is going to be. It can be a 5-7 on a scale of 1-10 and then quickly move to a 9+. It’s worse if I get a cramp or a spasm. Sometimes I will get a “tic” where the foot will just jerk upward. It’s not really painful but it’s uncomfortable. I have to take an Ativan to calm these jerks down or I get no relief from them. It took me a while to realize I was having these things happen because they would be so far apart from one another. I still have no idea what sets them off.

After the pain settles down some, then comes the nerve pain. I really hate this part because I have to take gabapentin to settle it down or my foot will burn and feel like it’s on fire. It really is uncomfortable. Sometimes it is so bad that I can’t have anything touch my foot, like the sheet or sock. It just makes the pain worse. I hate having to take the gabapentin because the next day I will get the hungry horrors. It’s like no matter what I eat, I am still hungry afterwards. It’s like I have a bottomless pit for a stomach. I have to be really careful because I don’t want to gain back the weight I lost when I was severely depressed. I am back to eating solid food again instead of just drinking Ensure. I have three packs of it left because I didn’t think my depression was going to get any better. But with the increase in my antidepressant, I am feeling better and my appetite is back.

Because of stupid pain, I can’t walk like I used to anymore. Some days I can walk a few blocks and be okay. Other days, those same few blocks seem like an obstacle course for me. It’s hard to gauge when I will be in severe or moderate pain and when I will be in little to no pain. I think the weather has some say in it. Rain or dramatic changes in temps will cause my pain to flare up. Like yesterday it was 92 degrees. Today it has been in the mid-50s for most of the day, an almost 40 degree difference. Ouch.

Stair climbing is another reason my foot/ankle will flare up. I try not to but sometimes my mother will go shopping and need help bringing the shopping up the stairs. Other times, I am up and down because I need to use the bathroom or eat. I don’t keep food in my room because I don’t want pests. I do have some pretzel bites in a sealed plastic baggie. That is only in emergencies when I am hungry but am in too much pain to go down stairs. I keep it on my nightstand.

Being in pain all the time, makes you tired. It’s exhausting both physically and mentally.

feeling grief

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling grief

The movie of my father’s final hours keep playing in my mind the past hour or so. I have been trying to distract myself by listening to music or playing on my phone. I even watched some episodes of Friends on Netflix to no avail. My heart is just so heavy. I feel really depressed and want to cry but I just can’t. It hurts so much. I feel like I am losing my mind. I don’t understand this at all. I know my father had been a huge part of my life the last few months, with him having to be hospitalized because of this and that ailment. And I know my writing has suffered because of it. But not having any more contact with him has been so difficult. I am not sure I can get used to his presence not being there anymore.

I never typed up the stuff I wrote while I was in the hospital. I haven’t even so much as removed the notepad from my backpack. I am wicked hot in my room because it’s so damn hot out. I should open the door to let some air in but I hate my bedroom door being open. The ceiling fan is not doing much to cool me off. I am just uncomfortable.

My pain has returned. My foot/ankle has decided to give me grief. I took my pain meds but they haven’t kicked in yet. I haven’t been taking them around the clock because I wasn’t in that much pain. Now I am playing catch up and it sucks. I just want to sleep but I can’t because I am hot and in pain.

I added another book that I am reading to the Good Reads list that I have going. Seems it’s easy to add the books and start reading them but difficult to finish reading the book. I have had Alexander Hamilton on there for a couple years now. It’s a big book and difficult to read so I put it down and have some idea where I put it but am not sure. It is an interesting book but the author has no breaks and the chapters are really long. With the latest book I added, Risk Management with Suicidal Patients, I have six books I am currently reading. This book is a short read as it’s only around 200 pages. I hope I can finish it by the end of the week but it takes some doing. I just need to find motivation to read. Of course, trying to find motivation to do anything has been difficult lately.

I have no idea where the day went. I got my haircut, made lunch, took a shower and have been in my room since. I did watch John Adams and did not like it. It was very boring. I don’t understand how it won awards. I canceled the rest of the discs and I am going to return the disc tomorrow. Then I am going to cancel the subscription so I don’t get charged.

I texted my sister that I missed my father. Today has been really difficult for some reason. I still haven’t cried. I am getting to the point where I don’t think I am going to. I am worried that it might happen around Father’s day.

Sox lost big tonight. I think Buchholz is washed up. And he is a relatively young pitcher. He just hasn’t been pitching well all season. His first game that he pitched was a no hitter and since then he has been on the rocks. Bradley, Jr. ended his hitting streak at 29 games. I was so looking forward to him getting to 30 games but they placed him in the lead off position and I think that messed it up for him. I am so upset over this. I know he has been hitting well, but he is not a lead off man.

I am debating taking some gabapentin for my pain levels. But I am afraid that I will get the munchies all day tomorrow. Since I have bought my groceries, all I want to do is eat. Tomorrow I will be making my Bolognese sauce. Just to get an idea of if I had the right idea about making it, I watched a YouTube video. The one I saw was not made by an Italian. He put nutmeg in the meat sauce and Bay leaves. I was disgusted. He also put cream and wine. That was too complicated for me. He also used two pounds of meat. I am just using one pound for 1 can of tomato sauce. I think that will be sufficient. I know I will be the only one eating it, though I will be giving some to my therapist on Tuesday. I got to go to Walgreens and get some disposable Tupperware because I don’t think I have them anymore. I will look but I don’t think so, least not the size I need.

I am so damn tired but can’t sleep because my foot is bothering me so much. I know that is in part to me going up and down the stairs to eat something. I really hope I don’t gain back the weight I lost. I will be so mad at myself. I know that I have gained a few pounds back. But that is all that I am willing to tolerate.