Tag: chronic pain

Post 1755

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1755

Before I left for the hospital, one of my lights blew out. I decided to change both bulbs at the same time so that I could gauge when they needed to be changed next. I didn’t realize how bright two 60 watt green lights would be. They are the ones that are energy efficient so not your typical 60 watt bulbs. I sometimes have to change to my single lamp as the brightness is overwhelming.

I had therapy today. We got caught up with the hospital and where I was. I talked about how triggering the essay I am writing is. I am not sure I will type it up today. I am kind of in a somewhat okay mood and don’t want to feel sad by reading or remembering what happened. I told her about the fall I took yesterday as I am sore today. My left thigh and right knee hurt. I think I might have sprained my right foot but it’s not bothering me like it did last night. I really took a dinger from that step. There should have been a warning there was a step. Usually they paint the step so you have some warning. Nope. Unreal. I am just glad I didn’t break anything or hurt myself. I would have been at the bottom of a stairwell where no one would have seen me.

We talked for a half hour into session and then I thought time was up. I didn’t realize we still had like twenty minutes left. We talked about the grief a little bit and about how I don’t have happy memories of my father. It wasn’t like he made an effort to be a part of my life and I didn’t make an effort to be a part of his. I don’t know who lost more. My therapist said that I will always grieve the loss of a dad that I never had. I think that is why I haven’t cried a good cry since he died. I kind of wish he wanted to buried in the ground just so there would be some closure and maybe some visitation. But all we have are ashes. It’s not the same thing.

I wrote to a friend that I think the increase in sertraline is helping with my depression as I am eating better and have interest in baseball again. Past few days, I have been watching or keeping tabs more with the Sox. I don’t think I told my therapist this. I still am in awe that I watched a complete game (entire 9 innings) this weekend. I also watched 11 innings the following day. Sox won both games. I missed Don and Jerry very much. Jerry was there but the new guy, Dave, doesn’t have the chemistry, yet. I am used to Dave being on the radio. I haven’t listened to the radio since the end of last season. They have a new guy announcing the play by play. I think his name is either Tim or Jim Neverett. I am just glad Joe Castig is still announcing on the radio. I like him.

I am glad I was able to take what I normally take in the morning rather than what the hospital was giving me. I was still sleepy because I woke up at 0500. I had to pee. It took a little while to get back to sleep and then I was done for. I tried taking a nap around 1130 and then panicked thinking I overslept for my appointment with my therapist. I didn’t. I am glad I am waking around 0500 rather than 0300. Those two hours of sleep mean so much. I also went to bed later than I did when I was in the hospital. While I was in, I went to bed before 2300 most nights. It was rare for me to be awake past that hour, even if I took an evening nap. Unlike when I take an evening nap at home, I am up till 0200.

Just came up the stairs from my sister’s apt and my thigh is thanking me severely. On my bad foot, I didn’t realize I stepped on some paint chips. They were stuck to my foot where I can’t feel. I am glad I checked my feet for debris before putting them in my bed. I am just going to rest for the evening as much as possible. Stair climbing and descending hurts too much. I must have really pulled a muscle when I tripped over that step. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow so I can lay low. I should have laid low today but I wanted a mocha so bad. I was feening for Starbucks after a week of not having their coffee or lattes.

Random 344

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I took a tumble while leaving the hospital. I scraped my knee but I don’t think I did anything to it. I am sure I am going to be sore tomorrow. While I was in the hospital, my Achilles flared up on me. It seems to be getting worse and the lump isn’t going away. When I see the NP Friday I am going to tell her about it. The pain is so bad that my pain meds aren’t touching it.

I am glad to be home. My mother welcomed me home with “I’m glad I have my roommate back”. Nice, thanks Ma. She is making spareribs and I stole some BBQ sauce from my sister’s apartment. She was going to use ketchup and I wasn’t going to have it. I would have gone to the store and get the sauce if my sister didn’t have any.

I am having a better day today than I did yesterday, other than being in pain. I am really tired as I woke up at 0330 again with birds chirping. I also had to pee and get a pain med because my ankle was smarting. My right was hurting more than my left so I needed something. I am worried that something is wrong with my Achilles. It seems the lump is still the same, it hasn’t changed but now it’s really painful. Soon as I came home I took two pain pills. I might be knocked out but I don’t care. I am home and I have nothing else to do today except eat spareribs.

I am glad I am writing my blog on my laptop. I missed writing on it. When I feel up to it, I am going to type up what I wrote in the hospital about my father’s demise. I think once I have it in a word doc, things might be a little easier because it won’t be so black and white.

I have my appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I really wanted to talk to her at least once this week. I realized over the weekend, this was the first hospitalization that I didn’t write her any letters. I usually write her a couple while inpatient. I hope she won’t be disappointed.

Hosp vs no Hosp

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hosp vs no Hosp

I have been thinking about this for the past hour, talking it over with the voices. They are loud tonight. I haven’t taken my night meds yet. But I am thinking this, what if I go in the hospital and they smack the “complicated grief” bullshit on me because my father died two weeks ago? I have been struggling with the hospital for more than a month now as the depression was and has been steadily getting worse. I only avoided getting in the hospital a week before my father died because I didn’t want him to die while I was inpatient.

My depression started the last week in January and then got complicated when my father had to go for radiation treatment, then two weeks later was in the hospital because of chest pain. That started his decline. We spent most of March in the hospital with him for pleural effusions, lung collapses, and ascites build up. In April, his ammonia levels were up, causing confusion and more lethargy. His appetite then became non existent and we were told he had a few weeks to a few months to live. Turned out he had just a few weeks. We put him in the nursing home on April 8th and he was gone by April 25th. Not even twenty days later.

In the middle of March, I got started on an antidepressant. Thoughts of wanting to kill myself were rampant. I should have been in the hospital but I became my father’s health care proxy during one of his admissions in March. I couldn’t go in because if they needed my signature while he was confused or needed treatment he couldn’t consent for, I had to be there. It was a delicate situation.

I think starting on antidepressant therapy helped me cope. I still wasn’t eating as I have lost a considerable amount of weight during this time. My last physical in August, I was 218. I am now 203/205. I am struggling to keep this weight because I don’t want to balloon up again. I still don’t have a full appetite like I used to have. Food doesn’t interest me much. I lost a lot of interest in things I used to enjoy. I should be watching the Sox game right now but I am blogging because I really don’t care about the game anymore. It’s lost its appeal with me, and that is not because of the team and all the drama it has this year. I have also lost interest in coffee. I don’t drink it every day like I used to. I can’t remember the last time I made it at home. I don’t go to Starbucks as often as I used to either. I just lost the taste for their coffee, which I used to love. I go there out of habit now but only if I have an appointment in Boston. Otherwise, I just stay at home.

I don’t know if I need to be in the hospital. Sure I am at risk of suicide, that is a given. But will I be helped while being in, is the question. I don’t know if it will annoy me or help me. I don’t know what hospital I will go to. If it isn’t the hospital I was in before, I will hate being somewhere else. The past three years I have been going to this unit when I need to be inpatient. It will be difficult being somewhere else that I haven’t been to before. And I don’t want to be in the ER all day and night waiting for a bed, though I will if that means going to the hospital of my choice. Last admission, I made it to the hospital and was admitted through their admission office rather than through the ER. I just cut the middle man out.

I just really don’t want to be admitted and then have the admission focused on my grief for a father I really didn’t care for or love whole heartedly. He wasn’t a dad by any means. He wasn’t loving towards us, though he probably would have said so. The only time I seen him show affection was when he won at the track and wanted to share his prize winnings. I could go on about the cruelty of the man but I won’t. That will be another blog. I will be damned if some social worker or attending psychiatrist pegs me as a complicated grief stage when it’s only been two weeks and I have been depressed since around the 19th of January. I only remember that date because I know that is when my feelings changed and my appetite became less. The physical symptoms of depression reared it’s ugly head and I was in pain. I was walking in mud. My thoughts were slow and painful. It took me hours to write a 300 word blog. All the while, I would have urges to take a bottle of pills. It didn’t matter which one I took. I just knew to not reach for my pain medication because I was not going to die of liver failure due to acetaminophen. That bottle was not to be touched. All the others were up for grabs. I had a choice or I could take all of them. Mix and match. I didn’t care as long as I didn’t see tomorrow. My hanging myself went out the window because I don’t have a beam. And partly because I don’t like things around my neck except for a tie.

My father died before I could have killed myself. I find this ironic. I know that between my therapist and my psychiatrist, both will make it so I get in the hospital. The only question is what kind of care I will have there. I know I will have a mountain of meds to sort through and I hope they don’t deny me my pain meds. I will not be happy about that one bit. I guess that it’s the care that keeps me from going in the hospital as well as the list of medication that I take. I take around 12 pills every night. I know if I go to the hospital of my choosing, it will be more like 20 pills because they will break up one of my medication. Instead of taking 1 pill, I will be taking 4. I go through this every admission. They don’t have the formulary in the hospital so they make do with another formulary, which means more pills. Guess I will find out tomorrow if I will go in or not. I am scared though. Giving up my rights and my cell phone is hard, even if it is for a little while.

Random 455

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 455

I got the Zipcar today because I had to run an errand outside of Boston. I was getting antsy an hour before I was to go so I requested the car earlier as it was available. I thought there would be traffic as the route I took was having construction. It turned out to be a breeze so I lost no time in getting where I had to go. I had a bunch of time left as the errand only took me twenty minutes. I thought of visiting my Godmother but I didn’t want to upset her as we haven’t seen each other since my father passed away. I didn’t want to run the risk of upsetting her and then leaving her all upset. She is kind of fragile and I would feel really guilty if something happened after I left.

I had like 3 hours to kill. I went to the Square to deposit some cash. Then went to Wendy’s for dinner. I played the powerball for tomorrow night as it’s over $400 million. I played my father’s month and year of birth, my birthday, and my cousin’s birthday. I hope the numbers come out. I returned the car a half hour early. There was no place else to go to waste time. I thought about going to my hometown to be by the water but I couldn’t count on getting back in time with traffic.

By the time I had finished wasting time, I had to use the bathroom. I didn’t make it home in time and peed myself. I was already feeling low and this just dropped me to a new level of depression. I had emailed my psychiatrist last night about thinking of going in the hospital. She wanted to know if I wanted to go in today. I responded with I wanted to talk with my therapist tomorrow and then go from there. There is nothing I need to get done this week except have therapy. I have no appointment with my psych because she hasn’t set one up yet. I think going in the hospital would help stabilize me. I am all over the place with my moods.

I haven’t decided if I am going to pack my Red Sox blanket that I have. I already have a bag that is packed with my clothes and writing stuff. I just don’t know which ER I want to go to. I just asked my psych if the psych ED part of the major hospital I go to is open again as it was closed a couple weeks ago when I went. I can’t imagine that it would still be closed after all this time but who knows.

It was close to 70 degrees out today. I thought it would be cold so wore a hoodie. By the time I reached the Zipcar, I was sweating. Even with the AC, it was hot in the car so I had to take the hoodie off. Now that I am back in my room, I have the ceiling fan on and shorts. I am sure the temp will drop tonight but I am comfortable for now.

I called the compounding pharmacy where I got my pain cream. They gave me the list of ingredients and faxed over the request to my neurologist. I tried calling my neuro to make an appointment with her but kept getting a busy signal. I never had a busy signal for a doctor’s office before. They either put you on hold or send you to the answering service. I thought the cream had lidocaine in it but it doesn’t. I just hope it works on the patch of my leg that is bothering me. Oral medications doesn’t seem to be doing shit. I hate the nerve pain that I feel because it’s such a helpless feeling knowing nothing you take helps.