Tag: chronic pain

Random 455

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 455

I got the Zipcar today because I had to run an errand outside of Boston. I was getting antsy an hour before I was to go so I requested the car earlier as it was available. I thought there would be traffic as the route I took was having construction. It turned out to be a breeze so I lost no time in getting where I had to go. I had a bunch of time left as the errand only took me twenty minutes. I thought of visiting my Godmother but I didn’t want to upset her as we haven’t seen each other since my father passed away. I didn’t want to run the risk of upsetting her and then leaving her all upset. She is kind of fragile and I would feel really guilty if something happened after I left.

I had like 3 hours to kill. I went to the Square to deposit some cash. Then went to Wendy’s for dinner. I played the powerball for tomorrow night as it’s over $400 million. I played my father’s month and year of birth, my birthday, and my cousin’s birthday. I hope the numbers come out. I returned the car a half hour early. There was no place else to go to waste time. I thought about going to my hometown to be by the water but I couldn’t count on getting back in time with traffic.

By the time I had finished wasting time, I had to use the bathroom. I didn’t make it home in time and peed myself. I was already feeling low and this just dropped me to a new level of depression. I had emailed my psychiatrist last night about thinking of going in the hospital. She wanted to know if I wanted to go in today. I responded with I wanted to talk with my therapist tomorrow and then go from there. There is nothing I need to get done this week except have therapy. I have no appointment with my psych because she hasn’t set one up yet. I think going in the hospital would help stabilize me. I am all over the place with my moods.

I haven’t decided if I am going to pack my Red Sox blanket that I have. I already have a bag that is packed with my clothes and writing stuff. I just don’t know which ER I want to go to. I just asked my psych if the psych ED part of the major hospital I go to is open again as it was closed a couple weeks ago when I went. I can’t imagine that it would still be closed after all this time but who knows.

It was close to 70 degrees out today. I thought it would be cold so wore a hoodie. By the time I reached the Zipcar, I was sweating. Even with the AC, it was hot in the car so I had to take the hoodie off. Now that I am back in my room, I have the ceiling fan on and shorts. I am sure the temp will drop tonight but I am comfortable for now.

I called the compounding pharmacy where I got my pain cream. They gave me the list of ingredients and faxed over the request to my neurologist. I tried calling my neuro to make an appointment with her but kept getting a busy signal. I never had a busy signal for a doctor’s office before. They either put you on hold or send you to the answering service. I thought the cream had lidocaine in it but it doesn’t. I just hope it works on the patch of my leg that is bothering me. Oral medications doesn’t seem to be doing shit. I hate the nerve pain that I feel because it’s such a helpless feeling knowing nothing you take helps.

Mother’s Day 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Mother’s Day 2016

My sister made dinner for my mother and her mother in law. I over ate and drank a little too much wine. Everything was good. Then I scurried upstairs to my room. I needed to rest my stupid leg because it was aching me again.

My sister talked about how weird it was that my father is gone. She accidently called him today and was disappointed to find the number disconnected. I told her I was going to call her yesterday morning to find out how he was doing. It’s going to be a huge adjustment. I think I have been thinking about him more since he has passed than when he was alive.

I have slept most of the day. I went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription and then I filled my pill box for the week. I still have no interest in baseball, though I keep following it on Twitter, just to keep abreast of what is going on. Last time I heard, they were in first place. I hope they still are. They have lost their last two games with the skankees so they might not be anymore. I don’t know if it’s the depression that is blocking the interest or the grief.

I am wicked tired from the wine. I feel like I took sleeping pills. I should sleep good tonight, if I don’t take a nap between now and about 2100. It is very tempting right now to lie down and sleep.

Rainy Monday 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rainy Monday 2

I woke up this morning around 0600 in pain. My left leg was hurting so bad and my ankle too. I took some pain meds and was able to get back to sleep for a couple of hours. I made some breakfast, which aggravated my leg some more. It’s raining out and I think that is why it is hurting. I took a stronger pain med and now I am so sleepy.

I woke up from my nap. Had the strangest dream. I wish I could remember it but I don’t. My foot still hurts so I took some more pain medication. I knew today was going to be a pain med day because of me waking up in pain and it raining outside. Not a good combo.

I asked my therapist if she had any cancellations for today to let me know. So far she hasn’t had any and I don’t think she will. I guess it’s kind of good because in about forty-five minutes or so I am going to be sleepy again. Pain meds will do that. I have the Zipcar for tomorrow so I can see her in person. I reserved it early and gave myself plenty of time because last time I was close to being late, mostly because they changed an exit on the route I take and I had to go around. I also want to go to Walmart to see if I can get Sox PJs. The ones I have are wearing out and I want to replace them before they rip to shreds.

Today is the first day in months that I had at least two meals that were more than I could eat. This morning I had toast and two boiled eggs with Ensure and for supper, I had chicken cacciatore. My mother made it and it was very good. I ate a bowl with some bread and now I am bloated. In between, I had some pretzel nuggets because I was hungry. I didn’t eat lunch because I slept.

It’s been a week since my father passed away. I am still feeling numb and sad at times. I haven’t been listening to music because I don’t know what I want to hear. I start with one artist and then get bored and have to change to another artist and it just gets boring. Nothing is helping my mood. I have a few people that are worried about me because I have depression. My psych and therapist are worried, I know that. I still haven’t had a good cry about my father and I don’t know if I want to. If it happens, it happens. I just hope that I am home when it does. I hate to be on a bus or train when it happens. Grief has a nice way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it, so I am told anyway.

I think I need more Neurontin tonight. I will take the same dose I took last night. I just hope the leg pain doesn’t come back. The stronger pain med helped take it away. Now I am just dealing with foot and ankle pain that is a combo of physical and nerve pain. Every single day I have this pain and it drives me crazy trying to find the right combo of meds to soothe it. Some days, I am successful, and other days, I am not. It depends a lot of when I “catch” the pain in the beginning or not. But all that goes out the window due to weather changes. I know I am hurting more because of the stupid fucking rain than because of physical activity. It’s supposed to rain the next two days so I might be in agony for a while.

After the Party

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

After the Party

I left the party soon after the cake was served. I had two slices and a lot of pizza. My sister had made this flatbread type pizza with I think pita bread and it was so damn good. I couldn’t stop myself from eating it. I overate and my stomach is killing me. My ankle was bothering me and I couldn’t stand being near my aunts and uncles so I left. I went to my room and watched a few episodes of Friends.

After the shows, I started feeling palpitations. Now I feel psychache and I want to die. I just don’t want to live anymore and am contemplating drinking gin. I just took my night time dose of pain meds. Alcohol would not be a great idea. I just want to feel numb. Drinking will do that. I have thought of going in the hospital. But I know my family needs me and it’s killing me. The next few days are going to be tough. I just don’t know if I can be there mentally. I am already stressed to the max.

My biggest fear about my father being home is that if he ends up being in pain, we can’t alleviate it because he can no longer swallow. His mouth is just too dry from the dehydration. He can barely spit his phlegm out. Then I worry about falls, either with my father or my sister transferring him. We don’t have a wheelchair so I don’t see how we are going to get him to the bathroom should he need to go. I know he isn’t eating or drinking and his kidneys are shot but he still needs to poop. And wheelchairs are expensive. My sister thinks that we can just get an ambulance to transport him home. I don’t think she realizes that is not how ambulances work and even if we did, we would have to pay for it and it could be at least $1000 or more. I just have a bad feeling about this and unfortunately, there are no other alternatives. We can’t afford to keep him in the nursing home.

I just don’t know what we are going to do. We know he doesn’t have that much longer but we can’t make it go any faster. I just feel awful. I am tired and I need to sleep but my worries are keeping me up. I never showered. I might do that tomorrow. I hope I sleep through the night. Last night I went to bed early and woke up around 0200. It just stinks having broken sleep on top of being depressed and grief stricken.

I am tired of fighting my suicidality. I want to give into it so badly. I want to get a life insurance policy so my family doesn’t have to worry about my funeral expenses. But suicide is usually excluded from policies or you might have to wait until the policy matures or something. I am actually kicking myself for living through my birthday because then I wouldn’t have to worry about my father dying and shit. I would be fucking dead. I’m going to drink and take some Ativan after I take my night meds. Fuck it, I don’t care anymore.