Tag: chronic pain

Severe pain continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Severe pain continues

I finally was able to sleep around 0230 or so. All the meds I was taking finally knocked me out so I could sleep. I shut my phone off so I wouldn’t be disturbed. I woke up around 1100, which was good. But the pain was still there and now my upper ankle is hurting me like I have been standing on it all night. I know that this pain is nerve pain because it’s more of a throbbing pain like the rest of my ankle and foot.

I needed coffee when I woke up so I made it. I brewed Pike’s coffee, a Starbucks blend. It is strong coffee but not the acid burning kind. I find that it is stronger than the Brazil coffee that I have. I wasn’t hungry so I didn’t make anything. I planned on making hot dogs, which I just had. They were yummy. I bought Fenway Franks which are the best dogs on the planet, to me anyway. I then had a piece of pumpkin pie. I am so full. I think I will have supper later tonight, if I get hungry. I still have the ribs from yesterday to finish off. I plan on making biscuits sometime today but it depends on how my foot is feeling. Taking a shower and making lunch really brought back the pain so I am going to rest for the next few hours.

Sox game is starting. I was going to listen to it but my favorite pitcher is pitching and he has been sucking big time lately. I really think he still has potential to be a great pitcher. I just think something mentally is going on. Maybe the pressure of being in Boston is getting to him. His first outing he pitched a no hitter and he hasn’t pitched well since. So every time he is on the mound people are expecting him to pitch well. Only reason I am not listening to it is that it is painful to hear him pitch badly. Much worse to watch.

I am glad I was able to shower. I feel better, a little bit than I did last night. I emailed my psychiatrist twice last night. I sent her my blog and then a few hours later, I sent her an email exactly telling her what was on my mind. It wasn’t good. Between the voices creeping up and the severe pain, I am suicidal, again. The voices aren’t telling me to harm myself. But they are just encroaching on my space. They want to know everything that I am doing, all the time and why I am doing it. If I pick this coffee over that one, they want to know why. If I take a pill, they want to know why I don’t take two instead. It’s exhausting. I wrote a lot last night. I had started writing at 0130 that day so around 2340 I continued where I left off. I think I wrote until it was well after 0100. I don’t even remember what I wrote. I still fear a hospitalization is coming. I just don’t want to go back because I don’t want to be doped on meds. I can still function, well, as a psychotic person can. I am used to it. I am not scared except when I am paranoid. But that is mostly when I am out and about. It’s really hot today so I am just staying in my room.

I plan on reading more of “Common Struggle”. It’s a good book and it’s hooking me in because he is at the point where he is realizing he has an alcohol and drug problem. I find it amazing when people recover and do something about their illness. He also has been pushing mental health parity in the US Congress. He really wants brain diseases (mental illness) and addiction to be treated the same way as diabetes and cancer. Unfortunately, there is more stigma to fight because people don’t seek help for fear of not being helped or being told to “tough it out” or think positive thoughts. Most often, people seek help and find there are huge waiting lists to see someone. The same is true everywhere. Sometimes even after a suicide attempt, there isn’t a bed available so they stay in the medical ER until a bed becomes available, only to be released a few days later with the “promise” not to try again. No follow up or after care is given, usually. There just isn’t money to follow up. That is why I think it’s a joke that some places are taking on the “Zero suicide” initiative. That is all well and good until someone falls through the cracks and kills himself or herself.

Post 1800

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1800

I just woke up from a three hour nap. It wasn’t planned but I was just so tired. Now it’s close to midnight and I can’t seem to go back to sleep. I keep thinking about the ex that wrote to me. There was no return address so I have no idea where she is living. The post mark is Boston but that doesn’t mean anything. The Boston zip code was cut off so I don’t know what part of Boston she mailed the card. Just when I thought my life couldn’t get more complicated, she shows up in my life. I hope I don’t hear from her again.

My psych called me back. She thinks I have a low level psychosis going on. She isn’t too worried about it. She think it will pass with time. I forgot to tell her I need a refill of trilafon. She doesn’t want me to take more than 4 mg/day. That is fine. I really don’t think I will need to take more unless I am really in a bad spot. But I will call her first. I took my meds early tonight, which is why I was so sleepy. I wanted to take the abilify so I could get some relief from the voices. I told my psych that it’s like static in my brain right now, like they are just mumbling and I can’t make out what they are saying. She says to try and listen to music and take the trilafon. Also to page her if things get worse. I see her on Friday. She was appreciative of me calling her. I only call her when I need to, outside our scheduled appointments. She is good about it. She knows I am having a hard time with the loss of my father.

My psych thinks that things are harder for me because I essentially have mental illness. It would be difficult for anyone losing a parent but with me, it’s harder because I have the depression and psychosis. She thinks it will pass with time. I hope it’s fast because I don’t like being psychotic. It scares me, especially when the voices want me to take more medication than I need to. Like tonight I had to take some Neurontin. I took two pills and the voices were like “take 4”. I didn’t need four pills. I am not in that much pain. I just needed at least 600 mg (2 300 mg capsules). I always feel like every decision I make needs to be “cleared” by the voices before I take action. It’s so annoying. Usually I ignore it but lately that has been very difficult. They are just harping on me left and right.

Did too much and paying for it

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Did too much and paying for it

Nearly every day this week, I have made a trip to Starbucks. And practically every night, I have been paying for it. I usually go every other day because I need a rest day in between. But I didn’t take a rest day because I felt “okay”. Now it’s the end of the week and I am hurting really bad. So bad, that it’s making depressed.

I wish I was seeing my psychiatrist earlier than next Friday. I feel like I am hanging by a thread today. The voices have been non stop since I let them in. They just won’t shut up. I don’t understand it because I haven’t been stressed and we were just having a normal conversation. Nothing stressful or triggering. Now my brain is just firing away and the voices are wicked loud. I am in serious pain and I just can’t quiet them down to think of what I can do to ease it. I have music playing to try and distract me.

I took some pain meds once I got a break. Then I was quizzed on how many I took and why I was taking them. They always want me to take more than what I need, like more is better. More isn’t better. It’s no more effective than taking a handful of Tylenol for a headache. They just want me to hurt myself. I will do it with other drugs but not my pain meds. I don’t want to die like my father, with liver problems due to the Tylenol that is in my pain meds. I am not stupid like the voices think I am.

I haven’t told my therapist about all this. Not much she can do about it anyways. Even if I text her to talk to her, the most she is going to say is for me to page my psych or go to the ER. If I go to the ER, chance are I will be admitted. I don’t want to be admitted so the ER is out. I can be admitted after the 17th when I see my psych and get my pain meds appointment. I really was hoping that I wouldn’t need another admission so soon after my last one. But then, I wasn’t expecting to become psychotic either.

Being in pain is not helping my thoughts. I feel really depressed and it’s feeding the suicide demons. For the first time in two months (?), I am thinking of taking my life again. It’s not serious. It is just in passing, like what if I would take my life? Then I think of the plan that I cooked up a few months ago. I can still go through with it. It could work this time. A more lethal medication. Only question is, do I actually have enough to kill myself. The LD is 10 mg and I am not sure I have it. I have to count the pills and I am scared to because it will just mean one more step closer to killing myself when I want to.

After my father died, I was thinking about getting a life insurance policy. I got a response from the one I applied for online. They want medical documentation for my illnesses. Nope. Not getting it. Chances are they will have this information just to deny me. I will find another policy holder. I thought it would be too easy to get on the first try. I never got life insurance through my work. I did have insurance in case something happened to me while I working. It was something like $100,000 coverage in case of injury or accidental death and it was for something ridiculously small amount of like $6/wk. There were higher amounts but that was the cheapest and in my line of work, the risk of me losing a limb was quite low.

I wanted to get the life insurance just in case something happened to me. Then my family wouldn’t have to scramble like we did for my father with arrangements and such. I do have a pension with my work but I don’t know what happens to it when I die. Maybe I should find out. It most likely will die with me.

Soon as the pain meds kick in, I will take my night meds. I was going to listen to the game but I don’t feel up to it. I will follow it on Twitter or the MLB website until I can’t fight sleep any longer. Or I might just read something so I can feel like I did something productive today. Today just feels wasted. Voices are loud now. They are pissed I am typing and ignoring them. Maybe I will take a trilafon, too.

Agitated, depression, and pain don’t mix

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Agitated, depression, and pain don’t mix

I am feeling wicked agitated right now and I don’t know why. I just bought 10 books for $15 about the business of writing. Lawrence Block sent out the link and I wanted to get it before it disappeared forever. I could buy the book individually but it would cost me more than $15. I had a little trouble getting the last 5 books. It wouldn’t sync to my tablet. Then the whole 10 started so I had to delete the duplicates. I was getting really annoyed.

Then I kept thinking about my father. My sister had invited me to lunch on Saturday. She works in the same town my father lived, literally down the street from him. I was going to ask if she was going to swing by my father’s to check on him. I had to bite my tongue and it’s killing me that he isn’t around anymore. I can’t believe I am missing him. This is something I was not expecting.

Then my foot/ankle (left/bad) is killing me. I can’t seem to get the pain under control. I have taken two pills before 1800. So now that it’s 2200, I took two more. I know it’s because the doc had move my foot in ways that it doesn’t like to be moved. And he was pressing on the part of my ankle that is really sore. So the whole fucking thing is aggravated, which is annoying and pissing me off because I really want to get to sleep. I wish there was a baseball game playing that I could watch but I no longer have the MLB network.

Another thing that was pissing me off is that the Sox drafted a high schooler and people were comparing him to a pitcher that now sucks for the Sox. They are worried about how he is going to spend his money and things like that. UM, we didn’t get him for his financial spending. We got him for his pitching. I guess this kid was pretty excited because he really wanted to play for us. Hell, if I was drafted by my dream team, I’d be pretty excited, too. I just hope he pans out. Last year we had a problem with a young player that thought he was above the law because he was a baseball player. He went away. I forget his name.

I have been listening to my music the last few hours to try and distract me. Some songs are helpful. Others, I have to skip, which annoys me. Also, I had to put the do not disturb function on my phone because I kept getting text messages from the T with delays. I am just in a wicked agitated state. I might have to take some trilafon. I don’t think this agitation is good. I don’t know what brought it on. I know I am still annoyed I still have my menses. I thought it was going away this morning because things were clear. But as the day progress, that wasn’t the case. I am so pissed off I got to deal with this. I really want a hysterectomy. I am going to ask my NP if I can get one. I have no use for my uterus. It really is useless.

I still am depressed. I thought I was “recovered” from it but I guess it’s still sticking around. The gray clouds have shown up. I just feel so bogged down. I know it’s because I am still a fucking female. I hate my breasts and I hate myself for not doing something about it when I had the chance to. If I had a noodle in my brain, I could have used one of my credit cards to get the surgery to remove them. But it’s too late now. Now I got to see if my insurance will cover the cost of removing them and I have no idea what the copay, if any, it will be. Not that I wish cancer on anyone but if breast cancer ran in my family I could possibly get them removed as a proactive case to prevent the cancer from showing up. But nope. Cancer doesn’t really run in the family. God I hate myself. I just want to die. I could kill myself now and then worry about nothing. I am such a fucking idiot. A complete loser. I really loathe myself and there is nothing to contradict this. I am just a scumbag.