Tag: chronic pain

Throb Throb Throb goes my ankle

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Throb throb throb goes my ankle

My night would not be complete unless my ankle and foot are throbbing like there isn’t going to be a tomorrow. And right on cue, I can not sleep because of the throbbing. My day was going just fine. I was settling into my bed. Closed the light. Was nice and comfy when the throbbing came out of no where and boom my foot explodes in pain. I go through this rigmarole every goddamned night.

Tonight I got really angry, like punch a wall angry. I didn’t have a pleasant evening. A friend came over my house to watch the game. Least that is what I was intending to do. He didn’t shut up the entire 8 innings he watched. And he wasn’t talking about the game. He kept on saying shit pickle, in a joking voice because the announcer was saying something about being in a pickle. It was hard trying to pay attention to the game and listen to my friend ramble on and on. It didn’t help that my team was losing, came ahead, lost the lead and then finally gave up. I really couldn’t wait for the game to end because I wanted to shower really bad. I was sweating up a storm as the house was so hot.

Now I am freezing my assets off and loving it. My stomach didn’t like the food I was eating but then it didn’t really start bothering me until after I took my night meds, which is like eating a meal in and of itself. I feel so bloated, which also isn’t helping me go to sleep along with the throbbing of my ankle and foot. I wasn’t angry that my friend talked a lot during the game. I am angry because I am in fucking pain, yet again, for the umpteenth night in a row. I can’t take it anymore.

I seriously want to end my life. And if I had a car, I would do it, right now. I would drive to where I want to end it. Take the pills and hope it’s enough to kill me. Is it bad that I dream of that day when I do do this? Even if I don’t have a car, I can walk to my destination. I don’t know if it will kill me but then once I get there, I will be dead. There won’t be any going back. And the throb throb throb of my ankle will be but a memory.

I know there will be people that will miss me and I am sorry to hurt you all but I can’t live like this anymore. My life is nothing but pain and anguish and tonight it’s killing me to breathe. I have a weight on my chest that no one can see or feel or touch. It’s called psychache and it hurts really bad, more than the throbbing in my ankle sometimes.

I got so angry tonight that I wanted to cry. I don’t think I have ever felt so bullshit angry before because I am in pain. I have taken my pills. I honestly couldn’t remember if I took them or not. Then I remembered that it was hours ago that I took them, which is why I am in pain now. I hate when I don’t get ahead of the pain. I think that I can last a few hours without taking a pill. Sometimes, I really think I can just stand the pain. Not tonight though. Tonight it’s just awful like it’s every night at this time. Just before bed it’s just at it’s worse and no one can tell me why that is. It doesn’t bother me during the day. Only before bed, right when I want to sleep the devil comes out and my ankle and foot explodes in agony. This is why I have every right to die. Doesn’t matter that I have pills to take the pain away. That isn’t the point. The point is that I shouldn’t be in pain, period. But I am. And I just can’t accept that is the way my life is anymore. It’s too great a burden to bear.

Saturday Blog 57

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 57

It’s another hot day. We are in the middle of a heatwave as the temp has been above 90 for more than three days. The humidity sucks. I was going to go out today but I overslept. You really have to get up early and go to Starbucks or you might not be able to get a seat. It was too hot out to attempt it so I just stayed in. I made my own coffee, which I think I only have one cup left. Hope it’s enough to get me through till Tuesday when I get paid next.

I read a little bit today. The story just seems to be dragging on and on. No real drama or action. I am close to being in the middle of the book and still have no idea where the story is heading. But I will read the book anyways because I am a stickler like that.

I didn’t have lunch or breakfast until about a half hour ago. My mother was asking why I didn’t eat. I told her because I was sleeping. Then I had coffee and it killed my appetite further. The house is really hot so I try not to be outside my room for too long. I think for supper I am going to make a tuna sandwich. I don’t know why I have been craving tuna lately. It’s like my go-to food when I don’t know what else to eat.

I have been feeling down since last night. I thought about my father and it brought about a deep sadness. I texted my sister and she said she felt the same way whenever she thought of him. Then I was a little bit haunted by suicidal thoughts. I just thought about what it would be like if I was dead. I so just don’t want to live anymore. I don’t know why I am living. My life just seems stupid.

One of the clinicians I follow on Twitter was looking for readers for his upcoming new textbook. I emailed him to see if I can read one of the chapters and give him feedback. I told him I am not a student but I have lived experience. I hope he doesn’t turn down the request. I plan on getting the book anyways but if I do read it, it will be a free copy and my name will be in the book.

I keep perusing my blogs hoping to find one “good enough” for my book. There hasn’t been many that I have come across yet. I know most of my blogs are just my day to day struggles and accounts of my daily activities. Most of the blogs deal with my never ending nerve pain or some type of pain that I am having in my foot/ankle. I think I wrote more about my pain than about my suicidality/depression. Now my blogs are mostly about my psychosis and dealing with voices. I am still in pain but I just don’t write about it.

I also used to write about my father as he was always the source of aggravation for me. Since his death, I just been dealing with his loss. The memories of what he went through the last four months of his life are still fresh in my mind. I never got to finish the story of his last hour of death. Maybe it’s better to keep it in my mind rather than on paper.

Post 1854

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I got practically no sleep last night. I didn’t go to sleep until after 0400. I was up most of the damn night because songs were singing in my head and the voices were out of control, despite taking the trilafon. I had taken 4 mg when I came home last night and then another one around 0300 when the songs were getting worse not better. I just could not settle down. I must have read like six chapters in the new book that I am reading because I thought that would settle me down but it didn’t. It was just a really tough night.

I didn’t do much today because I was so sleepy. My mother made some asparagus and eggs for dinner and that is all that I have eaten today. I just am not that hungry. It has been cooler today than it has been all week. I still have the AC on. I might turn it off after the sun goes down.

I had therapy today. It went okay though my therapist still wants me to let my psychiatrist know that I am not feeling myself. She wants me to tell her that I am feeling disconnected from things and feeling flat. I see her next week so I will tell her then. I don’t want to page her just to tell her this. I don’t think it’s all that important. If she brings it up tomorrow, I am just going to tell her to call my psychiatrist and tell her because I have no idea what she is getting at.

For some reason, my left leg is out of sorts today. I woke up sleeping on my left side and my leg just hurt really bad. I thought it was hurting because of the position I was in so I rolled over to my other side but it did no good. I have been taking pain meds most of the day to deal with the pain. Doesn’t help that my ankle is also acting up. I am glad today was a low key day because I would hate to go out in this kind of pain.

Because I slept through most of the day, I didn’t call the PT place to set up an appointment. I will try again tomorrow. I don’t know what kind of exercises they are going to have me do. I just hope it doesn’t aggravate my left ankle because that one really is a pain in the neck. I have tried PT with that ankle and it was a disaster. I am hoping that things will be better with my right as it’s more a central thing and less involvement. But we’ll see.

feeling wicked down and depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling wicked down and depressed

I woke up early because I had to pee but I couldn’t get out of bed so went back to sleep. When I woke up two hours later, I really had to run to the bathroom. My bladder was overfilled. I brushed my teeth because my mouth felt like a sewer. That was all I needed to do to get my ankle going. It hurts so bad right now and it got me depressed. I have to out today. I took some pain meds but I still am not sleepy and the pain has, thankfully, lessened a bit. Sometimes the meds are enough to knock me back out and sometimes it doesn’t.

My mood is terrible right now. I really just don’t want to be. If I had the means to really carry out my thoughts, I would so go through with them right now. I feel so lowly. All I can think about is death. I keep wondering what it would be like laying in a casket.

I have therapy today and then I have to go out to my appointment with the NP for my pain meds. I really don’t want to go out. It’s already muggy. I put the AC on to cool down my room. I’m not going to shower because I know I will be sweating when I go out. I will shower when I come back home.

I hate being in this irritable mood. I woke up kind of okay but the pain caused my mood to dip very low. Now all I can think about is death. I am so tired of feeling this way. I never feel “better”. I always feel gloomy and sad. The voices are always there reminding that I am a piece of shit.

I got three hours before my therapy appointment. I am going to try and get some sleep now. I hope I don’t wake up.