Tag: chronic pain

Saturday Blog 57

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 57

It’s another hot day. We are in the middle of a heatwave as the temp has been above 90 for more than three days. The humidity sucks. I was going to go out today but I overslept. You really have to get up early and go to Starbucks or you might not be able to get a seat. It was too hot out to attempt it so I just stayed in. I made my own coffee, which I think I only have one cup left. Hope it’s enough to get me through till Tuesday when I get paid next.

I read a little bit today. The story just seems to be dragging on and on. No real drama or action. I am close to being in the middle of the book and still have no idea where the story is heading. But I will read the book anyways because I am a stickler like that.

I didn’t have lunch or breakfast until about a half hour ago. My mother was asking why I didn’t eat. I told her because I was sleeping. Then I had coffee and it killed my appetite further. The house is really hot so I try not to be outside my room for too long. I think for supper I am going to make a tuna sandwich. I don’t know why I have been craving tuna lately. It’s like my go-to food when I don’t know what else to eat.

I have been feeling down since last night. I thought about my father and it brought about a deep sadness. I texted my sister and she said she felt the same way whenever she thought of him. Then I was a little bit haunted by suicidal thoughts. I just thought about what it would be like if I was dead. I so just don’t want to live anymore. I don’t know why I am living. My life just seems stupid.

One of the clinicians I follow on Twitter was looking for readers for his upcoming new textbook. I emailed him to see if I can read one of the chapters and give him feedback. I told him I am not a student but I have lived experience. I hope he doesn’t turn down the request. I plan on getting the book anyways but if I do read it, it will be a free copy and my name will be in the book.

I keep perusing my blogs hoping to find one “good enough” for my book. There hasn’t been many that I have come across yet. I know most of my blogs are just my day to day struggles and accounts of my daily activities. Most of the blogs deal with my never ending nerve pain or some type of pain that I am having in my foot/ankle. I think I wrote more about my pain than about my suicidality/depression. Now my blogs are mostly about my psychosis and dealing with voices. I am still in pain but I just don’t write about it.

I also used to write about my father as he was always the source of aggravation for me. Since his death, I just been dealing with his loss. The memories of what he went through the last four months of his life are still fresh in my mind. I never got to finish the story of his last hour of death. Maybe it’s better to keep it in my mind rather than on paper.

Post 1854

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I got practically no sleep last night. I didn’t go to sleep until after 0400. I was up most of the damn night because songs were singing in my head and the voices were out of control, despite taking the trilafon. I had taken 4 mg when I came home last night and then another one around 0300 when the songs were getting worse not better. I just could not settle down. I must have read like six chapters in the new book that I am reading because I thought that would settle me down but it didn’t. It was just a really tough night.

I didn’t do much today because I was so sleepy. My mother made some asparagus and eggs for dinner and that is all that I have eaten today. I just am not that hungry. It has been cooler today than it has been all week. I still have the AC on. I might turn it off after the sun goes down.

I had therapy today. It went okay though my therapist still wants me to let my psychiatrist know that I am not feeling myself. She wants me to tell her that I am feeling disconnected from things and feeling flat. I see her next week so I will tell her then. I don’t want to page her just to tell her this. I don’t think it’s all that important. If she brings it up tomorrow, I am just going to tell her to call my psychiatrist and tell her because I have no idea what she is getting at.

For some reason, my left leg is out of sorts today. I woke up sleeping on my left side and my leg just hurt really bad. I thought it was hurting because of the position I was in so I rolled over to my other side but it did no good. I have been taking pain meds most of the day to deal with the pain. Doesn’t help that my ankle is also acting up. I am glad today was a low key day because I would hate to go out in this kind of pain.

Because I slept through most of the day, I didn’t call the PT place to set up an appointment. I will try again tomorrow. I don’t know what kind of exercises they are going to have me do. I just hope it doesn’t aggravate my left ankle because that one really is a pain in the neck. I have tried PT with that ankle and it was a disaster. I am hoping that things will be better with my right as it’s more a central thing and less involvement. But we’ll see.

feeling wicked down and depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling wicked down and depressed

I woke up early because I had to pee but I couldn’t get out of bed so went back to sleep. When I woke up two hours later, I really had to run to the bathroom. My bladder was overfilled. I brushed my teeth because my mouth felt like a sewer. That was all I needed to do to get my ankle going. It hurts so bad right now and it got me depressed. I have to out today. I took some pain meds but I still am not sleepy and the pain has, thankfully, lessened a bit. Sometimes the meds are enough to knock me back out and sometimes it doesn’t.

My mood is terrible right now. I really just don’t want to be. If I had the means to really carry out my thoughts, I would so go through with them right now. I feel so lowly. All I can think about is death. I keep wondering what it would be like laying in a casket.

I have therapy today and then I have to go out to my appointment with the NP for my pain meds. I really don’t want to go out. It’s already muggy. I put the AC on to cool down my room. I’m not going to shower because I know I will be sweating when I go out. I will shower when I come back home.

I hate being in this irritable mood. I woke up kind of okay but the pain caused my mood to dip very low. Now all I can think about is death. I am so tired of feeling this way. I never feel “better”. I always feel gloomy and sad. The voices are always there reminding that I am a piece of shit.

I got three hours before my therapy appointment. I am going to try and get some sleep now. I hope I don’t wake up.

Psychosis That Lingers

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Psychosis that lingers

I was reading some of my blogs from earlier this year. I do this on occasion to see what I wrote as I usually forget what I have written the majority of the time. Apparently sometime in January, I was having a psychotic break, even though I was taking the abilify. In my blogs, my therapist wanted me to take my PRNs, which I can only assume was trilafon to help quiet things down. I had refused. Now that things have escalated to the point where they are now, It’s no wonder I can’t get a hold of things.

I am glad the trilafon is working as well as it can be. I have been taking at least 4 mg faithfully the last few days since getting my mail order prescription. Some days I need 8 mg because the voices are just too loud or things are just “weird”. Like lyrics telling me what to do or music changing their meaning. I might also be paranoid. I know eventually I will become tolerant to the 4 mg where it doesn’t work for me anymore but I hope that doesn’t become the case. It’s obvious from my blogs that the abilify lost its ability to work for me.

There are many reasons for this. Having to lose a parent and the stress of the grief was one major reason. Having to go through a SSD review was another. Not to mention a review for my student loans which still has not been decided yet. Add in the stress of my back problems and knowing I am pretty fucked if I move the wrong way doesn’t exactly make be feel comfortable.

Then you have the external stressor of terrorists that I believe are really aliens looking for power to control the world. One way or the other, world war III is going to happen, eventually. It’s going to be against, possibly, religion or an us vs them mentality. I don’t know who is going to be president of the US in the upcoming election. I hope it’s the democratic nomination but you never know. And if it’s the republican nomination, the world is screwed, not to mention the US. I cannot fathom a racist president will run the US.

It’s been seven months that the voices have been out of control. It’s been a month that I have been off the abilify. The only thing that has stayed constant is my chronic pain. My suicidality has been in and out. Some days it’s very much apart of my life and other times it is barely on my mind. Lately, It has been on my mind more. I so want to escape the harsh reality of being commanded by voices that nobody can hear. They keep telling me to do things. They haven’t specifically told me to kill myself but I fear that they will soon, even with the trilafon that I have been taking. The voices now know that I have been taking trilafon. It’s candy to them. It works most of the time. It’s not perfect because unlike the abilify, I have to take it every 6 hours or so. I am bad at keeping track of the hours so when I start to feel paranoid or can’t stand an object talking to me, I will take another dose. I never exceed 8 mg a day. I am too tired by then and usually am in bed after the second dose, if I need it.

I have been reading Harry Potter tonight. I read three chapters. I wanted to read four but I just can’t. My meds have kicked in and I will be going to bed shortly. I have absolutely nothing to do tomorrow except possibly call my psych. I want to let her know what I found out. I think it’s important for her to know how long the psychosis has been going on. This way she can make a clinical decision if she needs to.

I was having zaps earlier this evening. I seriously thought about emptying a bottle of Neurontin in my stomach. I hate zaps. There is nothing I can do for them but wait for them to pass. I hate nerve pain more than my chronic pain that I have. Least with the chronic pain, I can get relief with my pain meds. It really had me feeling suicidal. Throw in the intensity of the voices and it’s not a good mix.