Tag: chronic pain

It’s Friday, not Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

It’s Friday, not Saturday

After my third nap today, I could have sworn it was Saturday. I had to look at my phone to see what day it is. It was Friday. And it was well after 1700 so I didn’t want to page my psychiatrist. She is going on vacation next two weeks. I am to email her with any problems as her pager is being signed out to another clinician.

I realized now that I am awake that I missed taking my afternoon dose of trilafon. I took it now as I am a little on edge with the voices being rowdy. I did take a shower tonight and brushed my teeth. I have been bad about doing both on a regular basis. I usually do try to remember to brush after my morning pee but sometimes it just doesn’t happen.

Because I have been sleeping so much the past few days, I am a little disoriented as to what the hell day it is. Pain flare ups always do this to me. It didn’t help that I was in the middle of a dream when my fucking crazy cousin called me for the third time today. I just don’t feel like talking to him so I let the phone go to voicemail. He really disrupted my sleeping today because he kept calling. Totally pissed me off.

I finally read a couple of chapters of Cuckoo’s Calling. I really want to get through this book by the weekend so I can start another book. I haven’t gone back to Dostoevsky in a while. I should read some more of that book. I really wanted to finish it by summer’s end and it’s almost August. Monday I will be going to Harvard Square to get another book. It’s Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. It’s basically the script of the play they had in London. I am a HUGE Harry Potter fan so I have to have this book for my collection.

Tomorrow, if I am not in pain and if I wake up early, I plan on going to the Square to read a chapter I promised someone that I would read. It’s 62 pages and I need to have it read and critiqued it by Aug 22nd. I thought I had till October but I read the email wrong. It’s a chapter on the Alderian theory. I have no clue about it, which is why I picked it. I hope to learn from it.

My pain levels have been up and down the past couple of hours. It’s tolerable but I still don’t like it. It’s still making me very uneasy. And I still want to take my life because of it. I just honestly, don’t give a shit anymore. I still wonder if I would be able to take my pills and end my life. It will be a long period to wait till the pills work. And the place that I have picked out wouldn’t be a comfortable place to lay back and wait. I just hope there isn’t people around me when this is happening as it will be a public place. I just don’t want to fail again. That would be worse than dying. Other than my blog, there really isn’t anyone I can talk to about this kind of agony. If I talk to my psychiatrist, I might get hospitalized. If I talk to my therapist, it will just be analyzed and stored but not discussed openly. I can’t talk to a family member because they just want to “cure” me of my ailment, that I should see another doctor that might help me. Or go back to the one I see for more treatment, like they have to have some magical cure.

Don’t get me wrong, the meds that I take for my pain are adequate. They work as long as I take them. But it’s the taking them night after night after night that is what’s bothering me. The pain is relentless. It doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do anymore, I just hurt. And I am tired of hurting for no reason.

another day by the wayside

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another day by the wayside

It’s been a tough night and morning. I woke up again in pain and said fuck it. I’m not going out. We were supposed to get rain but it doesn’t look like a drop fell. I took my pills and rolled over to sleep again. Then I did the same thing a few hours ago. Seems the pills wear off and then I wake up in pain. I hate my life.

I really had wanted to go to Starbucks today. I probably could have suffered through and made it like I usually do but my resistance is down and my tolerance for pain is at an all time low. I need to get my haircut, which I was hoping to be today. It wasn’t in the cards. I am feeling really low. I have thought about calling my psychiatrist but I feel there is nothing she can do to help me so why bother. It’s another hot and humid day despite the temps being near 80 degrees. It’s a small reprieve from the 90 degree weather we have been having.

My mother didn’t want me to turn the oven on to make my steak. It was only going to be on broil for a little while rather than actually turning the oven on. It was a huge piece of steak so I doubt I will be eating anything else today. My mother had cooked some veggies so I had some of that as well.

I really need to shower today as I am feeling gross. But it’s going to be tricky with my ankle not liking me to be standing. I will have to take some more pain meds and then when they kick in, shower. It’s the only way to do it.

I might make coffee in a little while. My brain has cobwebs in it from all the pain meds I have been taking. I haven’t been taking more than I usually take but between the sleeping and pain, I just feel groggy. If I went to Starbucks, I think I would have had 5 shots of espresso with soy milk. I had 4 the other day and it didn’t do much for me.

Despite a low interest in the book “The Cuckoo’s Calling”, I keep reading it. It hasn’t gotten interesting at all. No drama or action. A pretty boring book. I am disappointed. I just bought another SE Hinton book, That was then, this is now. It’s her second book that she wrote. I plan on reading it after Cuckoo. It’s a short book so shouldn’t take me long.

An Open Discussion About Suicidal Thoughts and Chronic Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

An Open Discussion About Suicidal Thoughts and Chronic Pain

For the past twenty-four hours, I have been in a suicidal quandary. Last night I was in severe pain for the umpteenth time in a row. I had wanted to go to sleep but my ankle said, nope, not yet. I got really angry because I so wanted to sleep. It was past midnight. I had finished watching the ball game. I had winded down. I was ready for sleep. But pain said no and because it was the third or fourth night in a row that this happened, I was fed up. I wanted to kill myself. I felt there was no other way to escape.

My pain is well managed. All I had to do was take two pills to quiet the pain down and then drift off to sleep. I took the pills and waited for the throbbing to stop. Within an hour, it did but my brain didn’t. I was still pissed and suicidal that I just wanted to give up. I went over the plan I had been thinking about the past few months, wondering if it would work or not. A doctor friend told me it would be painful but I knew that. I also know that it would be at least 2-6 hours for the pills to work. That is a lot of time.

My friend understands about the chronic pain that I have because she also suffers from it as well. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have adequate pain meds like I do. I am not planning on ending my life with my pain meds. Far from it. If the area that I wanted to hang myself wasn’t fenced off, I would go there and do the deed. But it’s fenced off and I am not a good climber.

It doesn’t matter what kind of pain you are in, physical or mental. It still makes you want to end your life. Unfortunately, I have both so I am in a pickle. I have the raw end of the deal. I write about my suffering because I hope that it will help someone. I am not feeling hopeless. Just disgusted that I have to rely on pills every single day to give me relief from my pain, either it be my pain meds or my psych meds. Recently, I have been psychotic and that opened up a big kettle of worms. I thought I would have to go back to the hospital but my mother became sick and needed care so I couldn’t go. I had to be treated as an outpatient and take my care more seriously because my mother needed me.

I know the devastation I will bring to my family should I die, not only my family but to those around me. I talk about taking my life on this blog a lot because it helps to write about it. Doesn’t make me feel less suicidal but it helps with the feelings of not being able to do anything about it. Last night I was close to killing myself and if I had a clear plan, I probably wouldn’t be writing this right now. I don’t know if another hospitalization is in my future. I have grown hopeless about that kind of treatment because there is no treatment in the hospital anymore. The mental health professionals and insurance companies just think that a few days in a locked ward is enough to reset your thinking and make you think you have a life worth living. It’s a big crock. For some it is helpful but for those with chronic illness like me, unless you get treatment, actual therapy, it is just a waste of time.

I am not saying I have the answers to the mental health system because it is different in every state, and that is not the purpose of this blog post. But talking about suicide is similar to everyone who experiences it. People are literally dying because they don’t want to be in pain anymore. They don’t want the stigma that means having to take a pill to control that pain is causing them. Sometimes the stigma is greater than the treatment of the pain. Every day I wonder if I am an addict and will my meds be taken away from me because my pain is controlled with meds. I know that if any doctor takes these pain meds away from me, they might as well be signing my death certificate.

You can say that I can’t have it both ways but I am so tired of not having a life because of pain. I can’t walk like I used to. Just walking a few blocks brings me horrible pain. Last night I washed dishes and I think that is what set off my ankle pain. For the ten minutes it took me to wash four dishes and two cups. I can’t drive long distances because my ankle will act up on me. I never know what sets off my pain. And the docs aren’t sure what is causing my pain. Some kind of pain syndrome but they are not sure what. My quality of life sucks because I can’t go to family functions and things because my pain limits me. I test the boundaries every day and I am rewarded with pain. Then add mental illness on top of that and it’s not a pretty picture. Sure I was depressed and suicidal BEFORE I had chronic pain. But I also was able to hold down two jobs that I somewhat enjoyed.

I am not trying to boo-hoo my life. I just hate the way I live and I just don’t want to live anymore. It’s too painful, both physically and mentally.

Throb Throb Throb goes my ankle

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Throb throb throb goes my ankle

My night would not be complete unless my ankle and foot are throbbing like there isn’t going to be a tomorrow. And right on cue, I can not sleep because of the throbbing. My day was going just fine. I was settling into my bed. Closed the light. Was nice and comfy when the throbbing came out of no where and boom my foot explodes in pain. I go through this rigmarole every goddamned night.

Tonight I got really angry, like punch a wall angry. I didn’t have a pleasant evening. A friend came over my house to watch the game. Least that is what I was intending to do. He didn’t shut up the entire 8 innings he watched. And he wasn’t talking about the game. He kept on saying shit pickle, in a joking voice because the announcer was saying something about being in a pickle. It was hard trying to pay attention to the game and listen to my friend ramble on and on. It didn’t help that my team was losing, came ahead, lost the lead and then finally gave up. I really couldn’t wait for the game to end because I wanted to shower really bad. I was sweating up a storm as the house was so hot.

Now I am freezing my assets off and loving it. My stomach didn’t like the food I was eating but then it didn’t really start bothering me until after I took my night meds, which is like eating a meal in and of itself. I feel so bloated, which also isn’t helping me go to sleep along with the throbbing of my ankle and foot. I wasn’t angry that my friend talked a lot during the game. I am angry because I am in fucking pain, yet again, for the umpteenth night in a row. I can’t take it anymore.

I seriously want to end my life. And if I had a car, I would do it, right now. I would drive to where I want to end it. Take the pills and hope it’s enough to kill me. Is it bad that I dream of that day when I do do this? Even if I don’t have a car, I can walk to my destination. I don’t know if it will kill me but then once I get there, I will be dead. There won’t be any going back. And the throb throb throb of my ankle will be but a memory.

I know there will be people that will miss me and I am sorry to hurt you all but I can’t live like this anymore. My life is nothing but pain and anguish and tonight it’s killing me to breathe. I have a weight on my chest that no one can see or feel or touch. It’s called psychache and it hurts really bad, more than the throbbing in my ankle sometimes.

I got so angry tonight that I wanted to cry. I don’t think I have ever felt so bullshit angry before because I am in pain. I have taken my pills. I honestly couldn’t remember if I took them or not. Then I remembered that it was hours ago that I took them, which is why I am in pain now. I hate when I don’t get ahead of the pain. I think that I can last a few hours without taking a pill. Sometimes, I really think I can just stand the pain. Not tonight though. Tonight it’s just awful like it’s every night at this time. Just before bed it’s just at it’s worse and no one can tell me why that is. It doesn’t bother me during the day. Only before bed, right when I want to sleep the devil comes out and my ankle and foot explodes in agony. This is why I have every right to die. Doesn’t matter that I have pills to take the pain away. That isn’t the point. The point is that I shouldn’t be in pain, period. But I am. And I just can’t accept that is the way my life is anymore. It’s too great a burden to bear.