Tag: chronic pain

Mixed State?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Mixed State?

The hyperness that I was feeling earlier today is wearing off but it seems that it comes back when I am ready to sleep. The past hour has been rough. I have been going from racy thoughts to agitation and back. I can’t seem to focus on anything as I am very irritable. I was listening to the Sox game and one of the announcers I can’t stand. He was so annoying me. Then the game got out of hand and we are now losing to Cleveland 5-1. I am so pissed off because our left fielder cannot play left field. He has fucked up more fly balls than anyone I have ever seen. Even the visiting teams can play the wall but this idiot can’t. And he was put in the lineup today after injuring his foot, because he wants to “contribute”. Yea, to the OTHER team! I had to turn the game off. Now I am agitated and I don’t know if I will be able to sleep. I took my meds and added some perphenazine for the agitation. I hope it works.

I started writing in my journal about today’s events. I am thinking of writing a letter to my therapist. I have the itch to write despite all this stuff happening. I don’t know if my pdoc annoyed me today or not when she told me I was hypo. Now I can’t stop analyzing myself. I still feel pretty good, which is why I took the perphenazine as a precaution. I don’t need to be up till 3 AM. I have taken two pain pills and usually that slows me down some but it hasn’t tonight. I am thinking maybe this is the start of a mixed state. I just don’t know. It has been a long while since I last had one. In fact the last time I was hyper like this was back in February. I usually don’t become hypomanic so this is all new to me. The last time this happened it was followed by a severe depression that lasted several months with psychosis. I still am dealing with the delusions of the past psychotic episode. I told my pdoc today about them as every time I hear about ISIS and their god, it just reinforces my ideas. I think it was after I told her this, she said I was hypo. I don’t get it. How can feeling really good be hypomania? I know my sleep is fucked up, but that is my usual pattern. I have a couple of nights where my sleep is 3-4 hours and then I am up for about three hours, go back to sleep for another 3-4 hour stint and then be up for the day. Even my naps are short, if I do nap. Lately, I haven’t been able to. I am up at a certain time and then that is it. It varies. Sometimes, after I have therapy, I am able to take a nap. Therapy is difficult when your sleep is off. I keep trying to find stuff to talk about but sometimes I can’t so my therapist just talks. She likes talking.

The class that I was going to attend from the workshop place announced it today on Twitter. Now I am not so sure I can attend the class because there are only 12 seats available. I am just not sure I can register for the class in time because I don’t get paid until next week. It’s a class I really would like to take as it’s about editing drafts and such.

I haven’t got much of an appetite today. For dinner, I had peanut butter cracker sandwiches. It was too hot in the kitchen to make something. It might be 87 degrees outside but it’s like 100 in my house. I can barely stand the heat and humidity to gulp down the sandwiches. I don’t eat in my room. I am too afraid of bugs, even though there might be an occasional spider crawling around. I can’t sleep until I catch it or I know that it has crawled out of my reach and away from me where I can’t get it.

I have been thinking more about writing my story and will start tomorrow on it. I want to think about this a bit before I get it on paper. Before the game, I was listening to Luke Bryan’s new CD on YouTube. It sounds really good. Only song I didn’t listen to in its entirety was scarecrows because it was a very slow song compared to the rest of the album. Luke showed his southern drawl in that song. It wasn’t a love song from what I was gathering from the lyrics either. I don’t think the song will make it to the radio. I loved the duet with the lead singer from Little Big Town. I forget her name. That song might make it to the radio. I can’t wait to get the album next week. Seems a lot of country artists are teaming up more today than they were a few years ago. They co-write songs and hang out. Course there are more male artists than female, which is sad. Maddie and Tae seem to be the leading duo vocalists now that Sugarland disbanded. And Thompson Square hasn’t come out with new music since I don’t know when. They had a song called Trans Am but I have yet to hear it on the radio, but then it’s hard to get new music up in Boston than say down in Nashville. There are only two country stations in Boston and they both play the same songs, though I usually just hear WKLB more than the other station. KLB has been around the last twenty years. The other station just opened up last summer. I have never heard a DJ whenever I listen to them. I like KLB better anyway as I know the DJs for so long, even though two of them left the station a few months ago. I was heartbroken. The new guys stink, especially the one from 2-7. I can’t stand him. He is way too young and likes to talk more than play the music.

My ankle is still hurting me from this afternoon. I can’t seem to get it to calm down. I have tried swearing, they say that is good for when you are in pain but it hasn’t seemed to work too well. Pain meds have worked minimally. Course I have been up and down the stairs a few times so it didn’t like that one bit. I wish I could figure out why this pain flares up when it does. It doesn’t make any sense because I really didn’t walk too much today. Maybe I should take some nerve pain meds and see if that quiets it down some. Then I can differentiate between physical pain and nerve pain. It might also help calming down so I am not up all night. Last time I took the meds, I slept seven hours straight. I only woke up because I had to pee. Then I went back to sleep for a couple more hours. It was nice to sleep that long. But my meds seem to be kicking in so maybe I won’t be needing the meds. My foot is still throbbing like it usually is. I haven’t taken anymore pain meds as its too early to do so. Maybe I will just take one of the nerve pain meds so that I see what happens. I was planning on taking two. I see the physiatrist this week. I know he will be prodding me. Last time I was in agony that night. I am not looking forward to that appointment.

Pain Rant 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Pain Rant 2

Last night around this time, I got a searing pain in my ankle. Tonight I am having the same pain. Yesterday I didn’t do anything. I didn’t leave the house or go up and down the stairs a million times. Nada. So this pain is weird. I don’t know if it is nerve pain or not. It’s so hard to tell because I am in pain all the time and this is the second night feeling the same pain at around the same time. I can’t stand when pain occurs, without warning. But today I walked a bit so I am expecting pain but not like this. It feels like I have been standing on my ankle too long.

The pain is sharp, like that of a knife cutting into me. It is most unsettling. I can’t move my ankle without severe pain and I already took my pain meds a couple of hours ago. I should not be having any pain at all, which is why I am thinking this is nerve pain. I suppose I should probably take my nerve pain meds to see if that calms this down. I hate taking them because I get the hungry horrors afterwards.

I also have been a bawling mess since I heard about the Sox manager having lymphoma and will not be managing the team for the rest of the year. It broke my heart to hear this news. I feel bad for him but I know he is in good hands. It was fortunate that his hernia surgery happened when it did because they discovered the mass during it. If he didn’t have the surgery, his chances for surviving would not be so great as it would still be undetected.

Sure the Sox have sucked all season and have been plagued with injuries and so forth but hearing this news just made me sadder than anything. And now I got to deal with this pain in my ankle and I don’t know what it is from. It’s swollen, but that is always the case. It’s in the same spot as it was last night and the same intensity of pain. I just want to cut off my ankle or just make some cuts into the ankle to relieve the pressure or at least give it a reason to fucking hurt. But I am too scared of causing more damage. I am afraid that if I do cut deep enough, I might nick a tendon and that would not be good. I hate being in so much pain. This pain is different than the pain I normally deal with. And it’s not like I can consult a doctor right now to deal with the pain. It’s way after business hours. I doubt they would be able to help me anyways other than saying to go to the ER or something. I doubt the pain will last that long. It’s already starting to fade, just as it did last night. I hate it when pain comes in spurts like this. It’s like when I get zaps on my feet, there’s nothing I can do but wait it out. Now my foot is starting to throb just like last night. I fucking hate this shit. I am so tired of being in pain every night. And now I got this new pain to deal with? Why the hell am I living? I was supposed to kill myself a month ago. I never got the chance because my fricken therapist and psychiatrist didn’t want me to go through with it. Fuckers. I really dislike them right now. I am glad my therapist is on vacation so I don’t have to deal with her. But I see my shrink on Monday. I don’t know why I bother seeing her. Meds aren’t helping my mood that much anymore. Sure, it is keeping the mood swings in check but that is all its doing. I wish the meds would help this pain that I am in. But the pain doesn’t last long and just causes bad throbbing in my foot when it leaves. How do you explain that to a doctor? Sometimes I think I am losing it, like it’s all in my head or something. Seriously question my sanity because the pain is so painful that it takes my breath away for fifteen minutes and then it dissipates and I am just left with throbbing. What the hell. I can’t deal with pain like this. I can take another pain pill in about an hour from now. What am I going to do until then? I am can’t stand the throbbing/vibrating that my foot is doing right now. I wish ibuprofen could help me. I would be taking handfuls of the stuff. But it doesn’t do shit.

The thing that is aggravating the most is that I haven’t moved in the last two hours. I have been in my bed, reading Harry Potter when the pain started. I could see if I was doing something like standing or walking or going down stairs, but I wasn’t. I was an inactive peapod. And all I did was flex my ankle and BOOM, pain! I fucking hate this shit. It’s a good thing I don’t know how to use a chainsaw or other power tools. My ankle would be seriously in trouble of being amputated.

I’m going to take some Ativan and hope that brings me some sleep without the bad dreams I had last night.

writing and cooking

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, writing

I didn’t have a good sleep. I kept on having bad dreams and waking up every couple of hours. I woke up feeling hungover from lack of sleep. I needed coffee so I set out to Starbucks soon as I got up as the bus would be coming soon. I had my Carmel Macchiato with four shots. I didn’t drink it all because the espresso settled and it was really bitter. I drank as much as I could while working on the nomenclature paper. I think I have bit off more than I can chew with this one. It is hard to describe the terms without actually quoting from the paper I am getting it from so I had to quote a lot. I tried to use my language as much as possible but the terms were difficult to describe as they were so outlandish. I have four pages to type up. I just hope I can read my handwriting or it’s going to be difficult.

I sent my therapist the rant I made about this part 2 paper. I think she read it because it has a couple of hits on my blog today. I might include some of that rant into this paper because it might stress the aggravation of dealing with terms that are useless. I kind of feel bad that for about ten years, these authors have been mulling around these terms and their concluding terms just didn’t hold water to a lit candle. The terms were so confusing, it really is no surprise they didn’t take hold. All in an effort to “simplify” things.

I got a thing for my former work place about my pension. I don’t know what it means. It was just another policy revision update thingy they send every year. I threw it in the recycle bin. I am keeping the pension as “cash” so that the stock market doesn’t lose my savings. I worked hard for this pension, fourteen years of labor went into it and I will be damned to lose it because of a bad investment on the part of people I don’t know. If I had the money, I would buy stocks in Starbucks and a couple of pharmaceutical companies. Then I would just put the money in a CD or something and call it a day. But I am on disability and don’t think I can do these things. I would love to roll it over to my personal IRA account but I don’t know how to do that. So I am just letting the money accrue interest where it is sitting.

After I finished writing this terminology paper, I decided to leave Starbucks. I just missed the bus so decided to walk down the street to catch the one going away from the Square. I thought I could handle it as I was feeling okay but halfway down, my calves started to flare up and so did my ankle. There was a bench that was about 500 feet from me so I walked slowly towards it and then sat down for a few minutes to walk another 300 feet to the bus stop. I am hurting big time now. I am glad I am not going anywhere tomorrow. I am going to need a day of rest. I think part of the reason I got so tired was because I didn’t eat anything. I had a cheese Danish while I was at Starbucks but I didn’t have breakfast or lunch. I just wasn’t hungry. It’s almost 1600 and I still am not feeling really hungry. I plan on making a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner. I have been craving one for the past few days but haven’t made it. I want my mother to make it because I usually end up burning it. I suck at cooking things that have no specific directions. If it has a recipe, I am usually good with it. I used to make a good chicken dish that was from Campbells. All you needed was the stuff that came in the box, fresh chicken breast and boom, you had dinner in a half hour. I used to make it for my coworkers as my mother didn’t like it and it was way too much for one person. Those were the days when I had time to cook and could do so without pain. Now I am lucky to take a 10 minute shower or make scrambled eggs when I want. I don’t wash the dishes, only because my mother has her own ritual as to how they are to be done and put in the dishwasher. I have my way, she has hers. I will only wash my pans and dishes if she isn’t around.

Another Ramble about Meds

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another Ramble about meds

I just emailed my doctor’s office. I didn’t call them idiots. I checked the email that was sent to me and I didn’t put a mistake. The mistake (sending it off for mail order) is all on my doctor’s head. He should have read to see where it was going and he didn’t. Now I am out of my blood pressure meds, well one of them anyways. I think I will be able to survive the next few days without one of them. I have a BP monitor that I just bought to keep track of my heart rate when I have panic attacks due to pain. So far, it has worked well and my BP has been in the normal range. I hope it stays like that.

I went on a chat tonight that sort of has me triggered but not really. It was about sex abuse and mostly about how family denies it. DING DING DING. That would be my family, except for my father. He doesn’t know or my cousin would not be living today. The chat brought back memories of what happened. I won’t go into more detail than that. I really should be sleeping right now because my niece is sick and I need to babysit tomorrow morning, early. It’s going to be a long fucking day.

Sox lost because the bullpen can’t hold on to a fucking lead to save their lives. It was terrible. I couldn’t bare to watch after the top of the 10th when the Sox failed to do anything. I knew they were going to lose. They hardly win in extra inning games. But then, they are more on a losing streak than a win streak any day of the week. This is why I still have my bottle of Patron. For every win, I have a shot, which hasn’t been many since I came up with this idea. The sox have more losses than wins, like almost 20. I think the record is 50-69, or something like that. It’s sad.

I have a thermal sock on my bad foot because it was ice cold. It’s getting warmer but I might keep it on because it’s cozy. But it hurts really bad. I haven’t taken my pain meds yet because I feel nauseous. I don’t think having cereal with expired milk was a good idea. I was hungry, like I usually am at night. For some reason, I keep burping up the coffee I drank hours ago. Not helping the nausea.

In addition to the Sox losing tonight, I am also pissed that the article I was reading for my language of suicide paper was a part 2er, meaning it was shit that I read and what I am looking for is in the Part 2 paper. I am so fucking mad. I spent the last two days working and thinking about how I am going to review this article and it was for nothing. I still might include it as background information before getting to the real terminology. I feel like a fool for reading it. And it was a long article too, like 14 pages, not including the references. The second article is just as long. I hope it is worth my effort and someone finds this paper useful. Otherwise, I am just wasting my damn time.

Because I will be babysitting, I got to find a place to have therapy for 50 minutes. I am thinking about my sister’s bedroom where there is AC. Tomorrow is supposed to be muggy so the house is going to be warm. I will melt if I am not near an AC.