Tag: chronic pain

Writing Bug and Suicidal Risk

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality, suicide

Writing bug and Suicide Risk

I have the insatiable need to write. I thought about journaling but I don’t feel like entering my thoughts in a private journal. What I have to say is too important. It is about my suicidal feelings. I am torn, really torn, about what to do with them. I am in no danger tonight. But I picked a date and that date is slowly approaching. I have been trying not to think about it but it’s in the back of my head. I keep thinking/telling myself I don’t have to go through with this. That I can make it through. A friend of mine would be crushed without my help. And would be devastated with my loss. I can’t help but feel trapped. Like I can’t take my life because people need me to be here and I don’t want to be here any more. It’s a struggle I have been dealing with for years. I am tired of fighting this. I just want to give in to my thoughts, to not exist anymore. It’s painful to breathe. I am tired of the heaviness on my chest and the accompanying chest pains that magically appear and disappear on their own. Sometimes an Ativan is needed to get rid of these pains. I know it’s my anxiety when the pain goes away and the heaviness lessens.

Right now I feel like I am a burden to myself. I almost told my therapist today that I don’t want to meet twice a week anymore. I know she wouldn’t approve. She knows I have a date but I have not given it to her. I just can’t because I know she will try and stop me. It’s not like she is going to be okay with me dying by suicide. No therapist will. Then I have the agony of sending a copy of my book to a former therapist. If I send it now and she tries to get in touch with me after I die, I know the book was written in vain. Some writer I am. I write how much this process has helped me, how CAMS has helped me and then I kill myself? Good going. It just doesn’t make sense. I am afraid. I am afraid of getting older and I don’t want to live because I never wanted to be an adult. But my support system kept on telling me I was worth it and I believed them. So I am still here today.

I know one day I will end my life by my own hand. It is written in the statistics of suicide research. I fit every model. I am high risk because I have attempted multiple times, I have an abuse history, I am transgender, and I am hopelessly depressed. All these factors are not good in assessing suicide risk. The only thing I have not done is give away my most prized possessions. Though I really don’t have any. I have my suicide library that I value dearly but it hasn’t helped me deal with my suicide thoughts. I have not been cured of them and as one person in my life has said, I never will. I will always have these thoughts of ending my life. But do I have to act on them? Should I just let them fester until they boil over? I don’t know. Right now I am calm. I am just going through the motions of life as if I were living without thinking of taking my life. No one knows except my therapist and psychiatrist. (And now the blogosphere.) I really want to end my life yet I still want something from it. What I want, I don’t know what that is. I would love to complete my degree but I don’t have the money for it. I don’t even know if the stress of school will activate my paranoia and psychosis again. I do want to write another book. But I have no ideas. They are few and far between. Then I think I should go back to the hospital where I will be safe and possibly be able to think of something to write. But why bother with that if I just want to end my life in a month and a half or so. I am so torn. Ambivalence is such a bitch. And it’s not like you can do a pro/con thing when contemplating ending your life. Every time I do it, I seem to have more pros than cons. There are reasons why I want to end my life. I don’t want to be in chronic physical pain anymore. I don’t want to have psychache. I don’t want to live because I just can’t tolerate my self hate. I can’t tolerate being a woman when my brain keeps telling me I am a man. And the only reason I have not gone through with transition is because my mother won’t accept me as a man. So I rather die as her daughter than her son. I have nothing else to live for. I am only alive to keep my therapist and family happy. They know my suffering. I guess they rather see me suffer than to be dead. I have been fighting this depression for a really long time. I have been suicidal since I was eight. I first attempted when I was ten. That was thirty years ago. I think that is a long time to suffer from a depression that defies treatment. No pill alleviates my suffering and I have been on many. I am just a hopeless case.

I thought about sending this to my therapist but I am not going to. It is written by me and not my alter, Hyde. I am very tired but I am not in pain, least not physically. My brain just wouldn’t shut off until I wrote this stuff out. Now I am feeling sleepy and I think I can call it a night. These suicidal thoughts that come out are my midnight demons. They come out after midnight and I am truly in their grip. My heart is heavy and there is nothing I can take to make it light. My world is dark and gray. It has been like this for a very long time.

Burning up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’ve done my errands for the day. Now I can take my pain meds for my ankle. I don’t have to drive anymore. Today is National Burger Day so I am thinking of ordering my favorite burger from my pizza place. It has avocados in it and I love it. But the rest of the Chinese food that I had for lunch really filled me up and the heat is making me sick. I don’t know if I could eat anything right now. Maybe later. It’s close to 90 degrees in my room. I have to bring that temp down if I am going to be comfortable. I feel like I am burning up.

I was talking with a fellow blogger today. We get a long really well. I hope the situation she is in gets better. She suffers from depression, like I do and it’s interfering with her getting well, or at least doing stuff around the house. I just want to tell her to leave it, so it doesn’t stress her out but I understand how things can pile up and then become unmanageable. I did some cleaning around my room today, which made me feel good. If the recycle bin wasn’t already overflowing, I would throw out what I have collected. It’s just old water and powerade bottles that have missed the basket. I didn’t realize I was such a bad shot until I moved stuff around so my brother in law can install the AC. Good thing I don’t play professional basketball! I’d stink like yesterday’s garbage.

Meeting with my father was interesting. He was in an aggravating mood. Damn guy just wouldn’t keep his hands to himself. Kept fake punching me or moving his papers so I couldn’t see my phone. God, he is so fucking annoying. But he needed to have his blood drawn today. I probably will get results hopefully tomorrow. I hope they are normal. Last time they were high. Before that, it was low. I give up. I just do what they tell me and then relay it in child speak to my father. 83 going on 5. Bastard is probably going to live to be 100. And why not, he has me doing all his medical stuff for him to keep him alive. I bring him to the best doctors (aside from his PCP, who is a jerk). But to him, I am just his secretary. Next week starts his other stuff that I won’t be too happy about. Every Thursday in June there is a medical appointment for him. God help me.

I really am feeling low and sick. Heat is not my friend. Since my nerve injury, I have grown intolerant to high temperatures. I hope this doesn’t mean I am stuck in my house until the heat wave is over, once the AC is in. I will venture out for my mocha. I think it’s going to be cooler next week. I hope so anyways. It’s not even June yet and it’s humid and yucky out. So shoot me if I am the first person to complain about the heat. Least there is a cool breeze now and then. I have my window open to try and air out my room and get the air circulating. I am really miserable.

I called my therapist today and asked her to answer my text about the abuse and whether I should write about it to her. She still hasn’t answered me. I hope she got the text. Both our phones have been acting up lately. My phone is having trouble answering phone calls. I ordered a new phone today. I will get my glasses next month. I need a lifeline and it is my phone. If I can’t get phone calls, what the hell is the purpose of the device? Today I was trying to call my father and the damn launcher crashed. I couldn’t do anything until it went through it’s shut down phase. Then things were alright again. It just kills me that this is happening just three years after my last upgrade. I guess the phone is only as good as the OS (operating system). I know they came out with a newer Android OS. It is on the newer phones. My cousin has the S5, which is what I will be getting. I can’t wait to use it. But it won’t come until possibly sometime over the weekend of next week. I had to order it because they didn’t have the phone in stock. It was kind of a hassle because they wanted me to “lease” the phone and I didn’t want that option. I wanted a 2yr agreement. Turns out I saved a dollar by ordering it in the store rather than online. Too funny. I complained about the customer service being not too friendly with my request. I hope that I have everything the same as I do. I know that I will be paying a little more each month with the new upgrade, but to me it’s worth it. It’s my phone and I can do what I want with it. I just hope I can do what I want with it, like putting music on it and such. The phone is going to have a 64GB external SD card so I can load my pics and music. I should probably do that tonight so I don’t have to do anything when the phone comes in. Just plug in and hope it all works!

Therapist just got back to me. I have some writing to do that is not going to pleasant. Writing about past abuse rarely is pleasant. I won’t go into graphic details because that could be triggering. And I am already a little post, PTSD with my foot. Because I couldn’t move my toes the other day, it set me off big time. My anxiety was through the roof. I just am now back to my “normal” level of heightened awareness. Plus, bruising my last toe pretty good really got me freaked out. I think I will wait a few days. I don’t have to have this done till at least Tuesday. That should give me time to think about what I want to write and stuff. I just hope it is helpful to me. I also know that I don’t have to do this. My Ativan supply is limited until I get a refill next week so I really have to think about what I want to write. Ativan is the only med that helps with my PTSD symptoms, which is mostly anxiety and overthinking. I used to really be on guard every time my foot swelled up and I couldn’t move my toes. I would think that I was getting CES again but I would have no other symptoms such as numbness, pain in the legs/back, loss of bowel/bladder, etc. But I would just go nuts and flip out. The Ativan has helped me so much that I don’t flip out as often anymore. I don’t take it all the time, just when I need it. The funny thing is, it really is just my brain on fire when the symptoms of PTSD occur. I really have to ground myself with distraction, or talking with the voices (mostly because my agitation level is up) or I have to take pain meds to quiet the pain flare. It doesn’t happen as often anymore, but when it does, I am a wreck. I have to continually tell myself it isn’t going to happen. It’s hard because the brain wants you to go crazy and you are fighting yourself with not going crazy. I hope this makes sense.

bored to tears

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tonight my mother will be making fish. I saw the heads and tails were still on them. I won’t be eating that tonight, because ewww. I know that is how they come but her having to dissect them just freaks me out. And it is tilapia, which I don’t particularly like anyways. It’s a very thin fish that just doesn’t taste very good after it’s been thawed out. I’d rather have cod or haddock.

I have been pretty bored today. And my foot is a jerk. Just when I wanted to take a shower to go out, it starts hurting really bad. All I did was move it a little bit and it explodes in pain. I had to wait for pain meds to calm it down some so I could shower. By the time I was done showering, my hip went on strike. I give up. I guess I am not going to go to Walgreens to see if they have the new Oreos S’Mores cookies. I will try again tomorrow.

I was looking for a photo mailer to mail a pic for a friend. I have been meaning to send it to him and I just came across it. I failed to find it, which is why I wanted to go to Walgreens, too. I need a couple of mailers as I have some stuff to send out. Why must pain always dictate what I do? It totally sucks. And seeing that I am incapacitated, I decided to write a review for a research article I came across while looking for the mailer. I must have at least three copies, if not more, of this article. I thought it was a good idea but then the pain meds turned my brain to mush. Now I can barely write this blog. I am kind of blunted in my thinking patterns. It also doesn’t help that my vision seems to be impaired. I have been having a hard time focusing today for some reason. I really think it is because I have been solely using single vision lenses for the past month and not my progressive glasses. I can’t wait till next week when I can order them. I really hope that they can make the lenses out of the existing frames that I have. I really don’t want to buy another set of frames. I have too many old pairs of glasses laying around my room. I am also hoping that if the glasses don’t cost me that much, I can get a new phone. My phone keeps acting up and it’s pissing me off. Yesterday my therapist was calling and it took four rings for the stupid call answer button to come on. I am just glad it didn’t go to voicemail by then. Usually the call answer button comes on before the number even registers but this time it was the reverse. I am so done with this phone. And if I can’t use it as a fricken phone, what is the point of it?? My therapist was kind of in distress last night. She doesn’t know what she did, but she erased all my text messages that I sent her. She was literally panicking when we were talking about it. I kept telling her it was ok, that I am sure it’s there but hidden some how. After we talked, I sent her a text of my latest short story. She said it was the only text from me. OOPS. I think she needs another phone, too, but that will give her super anxiety. I find it funny and I do laugh. She is just so anti-technology, I just don’t get it. I mean, I use my phone for emails, texts, Twitter, Facebook, and the main thing, a phone. She just uses it for texts and phone.

I am going to write the review for that article. It will be another blog post and I will share it with my therapist friends on Twitter. I haven’t written a review in some time and it will give me something to do. I have written about this article in other papers that I have written, but never solely on this material.

I thought about editing the blog I wrote the other day but didn’t. It just seems like I don’t have the brain power to get my thoughts coherent enough to put on paper. And it’s very hard to write when you have a foot that explodes just because it feels like it. Also sucks when you stand up and your hip decides to go wonky. I hate being in pain all the time, every single fucking day. It just takes so much out of me and I end up doing nothing. Then I am bored to tears. I just want to give up. Just take my life and end things so that I won’t be suffering anymore. Because me not even being able to write because my brain turns to mush due to the medications I have to take to control my pain, just sucks.

Pain and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

I started off my day in pain, around 0400. I hate waking up in pain. I stayed up for a little while and finally gave in to taking pain meds around 0800 when I just couldn’t take it anymore. I texted my therapist and she gave me a time for today. I really need someone to talk to. I feel like I am losing my mind with this loss of sleep. I went back to sleep after I had breakfast and the pain meds kicked in. I had weird dreams about my psychiatrist. We were on a boat and she wanted to give me a cortisone injection in my hip. That was the first dream. The second dream was also on a boat but other than that, I don’t remember much. What was weird, is that when I woke up, my hip was hurting me. I think I need to go back to physical therapy to get it looked at. It has been bothering me for some time now, since November of last year. I sneezed and pulled my back out. It took me a month to recover and then I sneezed again right before Christmas and took it out again. I have been limited in what I can do. Today I walked to Walgreens which is only a block and half from my house. By the end of the block, my hip was in agony and I didn’t think I was going to make it but I pushed through. It got a little better by the time I reached the store. I only went in for a couple of items and by the time I reached home, I was still sore. I haven’t done any lifting or sneezing the past few days so I am not sure why my hip is bothering me so much. I know it’s muscular because if I rub where it hurts, there are knots there. I just hope that it’s not the beginning of getting my nerve condition again. I have no other symptoms, like radiating pain down my leg or increase in loss of my bowels or bladder to make me think I am in trouble. But the thing with CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome, things can escalate quickly and without warning. The main reason I don’t want to make a fuss about it, is that I know most physical therapists don’t understand nerve injuries. Yes, muscle pain is common in back injuries but my back muscles have been injured because of nerve damage. That is why my hip goes out when I have a horrific sneeze attack.

My foot still hurts. It has been hurting more since I came back from the store. I can’t stand that I am still having trouble walking after all this time. Last night, I had swelling, severe pain, and the veins popped out in my foot. I don’t get how this is not CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I know the skin changes are not that drastic. But then when I see a doc, I don’t have the worse pain of my life. I might be a 3-5 on a scale of 1-10 when I see a doc. What annoys me is that my PCP doesn’t believe that I have this condition, even after three doctors have told me I have it. It just makes me want to kill myself in frustration. Severe pain always brings out the suicide part of me, not like it isn’t already there to begin with. The pain just gives me the little push I need to think about it more. I just feel trapped. I know that if I kill myself, more than 115 people will be crushed. The people most devastated will be my family and psychiatric team (therapist and psychiatrist). It is this reason why I haven’t attempted. I think that if I had a place to go to, I might be more willing to try. I don’t want to kill myself at home because I don’t want my family to find me like that. But I can’t afford a hotel room and I can’t risk someone finding me in a public place, like a park or something. I can picture myself going through with any of my methods that are running in my head, but I just don’t have the guts to actually go through with it. I am pathetic.