Tag: chronic pain

pain and misery

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain

Eureka? I am in pain and want to do self harm to try and relieve it as no other pain pill does anything to take away or relieve my pain. I am tired of being in pain all the time, so much so I am entertaining thoughts of ending my life or drinking heavily to see if that helps. Crown royal mixed with some narcotics might do the trick in relieving the madness. It might also kill me but that would be a blessing and not a curse. I think I put too much pressure on my toes tonight while watching the baseball game. It’s hard to describe how I did this. I just realized this when my foot exploded. But then there are days when my foot explodes and I do not put pressure on my toes so I am at a loss. There is no rhyme or reason for my pain. It is nerve pain as clear as day, least in my mind. Tendonitis pain would be all the time while walking and going down stairs and such. But instead I have this pain while lying down in bed, while I am trying to go to sleep. It is as if my foot is saying “hello remember me? I am going to hurt you NOW because I CAN and there is nothing you can do to stop the hurting”. If it was my right foot, then I would say that there is a pattern but there is no pattern. There isn’t even a consistency in pain. Some nights I am tortured by burning, other nights I am tortured by vise like grips on my toes. Or like last night, I was tormented by zaps under my toe nail as if someone was trying to rip it off.

So I take my medication and I will be up for the next forty five minutes or so until it kicks in and I can hopefully find some slumber. I hope that I find slumber before I find a razor or get out of bed to get my whiskey. Maybe being drunk is the answer. I know that fresh cuts might help me but I have a wedding to go to this weekend so I don’t want to make a spectacle of my wounds. I have enough scars on my wrist that goes without saying. I just hope that I can stave off the impulses long enough to let the meds kick in and pray that it lessens the pain enough for me to sleep. I hate being like this….

anguish and misery

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I have been up since midnight. I don’t know why I woke up other than to use the bathroom. And I got a splitting headache. I have been listening to old music, 3 doors down and Rascal Flatts. I can always go from rock to country all the time. I have been trying to get the old cd of Rascal to MP3 format but I don’t have the software to convert it so I just ordered Roxio.

I had a goofy day. After I got off the phone with my therapist, I took some Neurontin to zone out. I really didn’t until about six in the evening, six hours after I took a big dose. I needed to take away the burning pain and the zaps in my foot. Now I am awake and I got to be up at eight. It’s two o’clock in the morning and I am wide awake. I took an Ativan to get back to sleep but it hasn’t kicked in yet.

I had canceled my appointment with my therapist for today but decided I need to talk to her because I feel suicidal. I had a bad pain out break last night and it put me in a bad mood, well, more than a bad mood. I would take some more neurontin but I don’t want to be goofy for six hours before passing out and then sleeping only for six hours. I just don’t know what to do. I keep thinking about ending my life and I can’t seem to think of a reason not to do it. I am sick of being in pain all the time. I can’t read, I can’t really write about stuff that doesn’t do with my pain and misery. I hate being miserable all the time. And the depression is weighing me down like a ten ton brick. I can barely breathe sometimes as I just feel like I have this weight on my chest. And nothing seems to work for me. There is no pill I can take to relieve this pressure. No pill for the anguish and heartbreak I feel every day. Just the emptiness inside of me that no one sees except me. I just feel like I would be better off dead.

a mix of things

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Today was the last day of spring training at Fort Meyers and the Sox won. I love it. Would have been better if I watched but the stupid hockey game was on. I can’t wait for Monday’s game against the Skankees.

I was talking with a friend of mine when an idea struck. She is writing a book about her coin finding and I thought that I should do the same but about songs. I have a knack for songs finding me and having some deep meaning with me. Take for example Gloriana’s new single, “Can’t Shake You”. It is the perfect song of when my therapist left me and I couldn’t get over her. Or Rascal Flatts “the Broken Road”. I hear that and it makes me think of my friend Melinda who if she didn’t cross my path when she did, I doubt that I would be here today. I can write most songs that I listen to that have a meaning for me. I don’t know if this is just the crazy part of me but I know sometimes these songs talk to me.

Went to Starbucks today to have my Isla Flores, my Indonesian coffee that I absolutely love. This has to be the third or fourth coffee from that country that I like. I still have my Blue Java and they also have the West Java which I am kind of crazy about but it can be a little overwhelming with the aftertaste. I have switched to drinking my coffees iced and that has helped. I just wish I could make iced coffee at home without diluting it.

Of course the temperature today is twenty degrees higher than it has been all week and my back is paying the price for it. I keep on getting spasms in my back. I am so far resisting the urge to pop a pain pill as the sciatica is just about my breaking point. I am supposed to watch my niece tonight and I hope that my back cooperates. I’d hate to cancel on my brother in law’s birthday because my back is hurting.

ankle chronicles 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I went to my appointments today for my primary and psychiatry. Neither had much to offer other than doing the same old same old. My primary wants me to see yet another doctor for the same problem I have been having. I want to refuse but I will make the appointment Monday to show that I am making an effort at getting to the bottom of my pain even though no one knows why I am in pain. They have different theories, each doctor I see has a different opinion or that there is nothing wrong with me because it doesn’t show up on an MRI or X-ray. I just want to be able to control my pain. Is that so wrong? That is why I see him, to get medication for my pain so that I am not suicidally inclined to end my life because of the physical pain in my foot and ankle. But let’s take it from my perspective. I have seen at least 10 medical professionals in the past year to find out what my pain is about. I have had countless sessions of physical therapy, all that have no helped my pain or ease the misery of it. And now he wants me to see my physiatrist to get yet another opinion on what is the reason behind my pain. He thinks that it is tendinitis. If that were so, I would have been cured of that within 6-8 weeks after immobilization. I have worn a boot for almost three months and still my ankle felt like it was going to fall off. To be up in pain night after night of doing NOTHING the past few months have shown that something nerve like is the culprit and not a mechanical problem like it was. Unless I am going up and down stairs wrong after 37 years. Then maybe I am doing something mechanically wrong flexing and reflexing my foot in the upward and downward motion of stair climbing. But no one know this for certain. Hell I don’t even know. I have to take the steps one step at a time to avoid falling. I have gotten so into the habit that I no longer do one step after the other on the stairs leading away from my bedroom.

I am tired of having to explain my pain every month but have decided that I am not going to take my pain medicine every day that I am suppose to. I have no appointment with my primary in a month like I supposed to either. So my little experiment will be can I go a few weeks without pain medication. I know this prospect scares me a little but I feel that I have to at least try this. My only fear is that it will bring on a pain cycle that will be hard to break once it starts. I know that if I don’t do this I might as well try and kill myself now. What is the point of going on like this if I am just going to have panic attacks worrying about pain all the time like I do. I have zap pain, I have burning pain. I don’t have pain down the leg. I don’t have back pain. I just have this fucking pain in my ankle and foot that does not go away except for when I sleep. It is with me 24/7. Some of it I am not aware of because I have gotten so used to it. But if I stop and think about it, it is there, buzzing like a bee.