Tag: chronic physical pain

Sunday Blog 17

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 17

We had two hot dogs left so I made them for lunch. This saved me from having to go to the grocery store to buy them. I woke up in the afternoon and badly needed coffee. I had that before the hot dogs. I am awake, for now. I think I might have a go at reading Adler today. I am feeling like I can tackle it. The game isn’t on till 1900 today. I thought it was on at 1600 but that is the Cubs game. Boo.

I woke up really early this morning that made me take strong pain meds and my regular meds as my ankle was just flaring up. It started acting up while I was waking up this afternoon but luckily the pain went down after I started doing stuff, which is odd because it never usually does. It usually hurts more when I try moving around.

I watched “My Summer Prince” last night. It was a good movie. Surprisingly, I stayed up the entire two hours to watch it. It was cute, funny, and romantic. Marina Sirtis was really good and so was my other favorite actress, Lauren Holly. I was tweeting throughout the movie and Lauren Holly liked one of the tweets. I was shocked. I saved the tweet on my phone.

I really need to shower today. It’s on my to do list. I think I will after dinner. I would have taken one last night but I was really tired after the movie. I didn’t want to wake up so I let it go.

Today is my therapist’s birthday so I texted her early this morning. It’s also the last day Pearl Jam is performing at Fenway Park so I have been playing Pearl Jam all day. I love them.

The coffee buzz is wearing off so I think I will hop in the shower while I still have some energy. Otherwise, I might not take one till tomorrow.

Kind of in a rut

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Kind of in a rut

I have been in serious pain the last two day and it has been affecting my mood. I feel hopeless that this onslaught will continue and that I won’t get any relief. I just took both my strong pain meds and regular pain meds because I just don’t know what to do anymore. I figure maybe both can knock out this cycle that I am in and give me some relief.

I have been thinking about ending my life again, because of this pain. I feel trapped by it and no one wants to help me with it. But then, there is nothing that hasn’t been done. I have tried PT, ultrasound therapy, shots, immobilization, etc. and nothing has helped. I haven’t really done anything the last few days and it flared up on me. All I have been doing is sleeping! How is that hurting myself??!!

Soon as the weather cools down some, I think I will end my life. I am tired of going on like this. I am still not sure if I can walk to my destination, but isn’t that what cabs are for? I just hope he/she knows where they are going. Of course, my biggest fear is being found as I will be in a public place. It is mostly deserted though, so I think I will be okay. I just hope that I have enough meds to do the deed. I am 1 mg short of a full lethal dose. I hope it won’t matter.

Saturday Blog 59

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 59

I woke up early this morning, in pain. My ankle was really bothering me. I took some pain meds and went back to sleep and pretty much slept until the afternoon. I had nothing planned so I could sleep. I thought of making coffee but never did and it’s too late now to have a cup.

I have been tracking the game on Twitter. They are losing 3-0 right now. Last night they won 9-0. Bats have been silent today, so far. I hope they comeback.

There is a movie on tonight with Marina Sirtis. She is the actress that played Deanna Troi in the Next Gen of Star Trek. I plan on watching it tonight with my mother. Don’t know how that is going to go down. I just hope she puts the fan on as it’s really hot in the house and I won’t be watching it in a hot room.

It’s really hot in the house despite the sun going down so I don’t know if I will be watching the movie. It’s nice and cool in my room. I am not one to watch TV shows anyway. But we’ll see.

I just took my meds and filled the box up again so I don’t have to do it tomorrow. The voices have been quiet but they still look at what I am doing and call me a junkie when I take my meds. That is the new word for me. I have been taking the trilafon at night or close to evening times than during the afternoon. It seems to be better but if I am out and about, then I will take it earlier. As long as I don’t get agitated, I seem to handle things ok.

I haven’t done any reading today other than the chapter I read while waiting for my pain meds to work this morning. I just can’t find the motivation to read today. I follow the author SE Hinton on Twitter and she was showing all her books in her shelves. She has quite a lot of books, more than I do. But then, she is older than I am so has been reading longer. I hope one day to have a room where there are a lot of bookcases to store my books and journals. She has her books arranged by subject. I just have mine where ever I can find a spot for it. Eventually, I would like to keep all my suicide books on the same shelf or bookcase. I have quite a lot of suicide journals and articles that needs a home. If I was organized and had a little of OCD, I bet I could get things done.

The Sox did lose today. I am not happy as every game from here on in counts toward the playoffs. It will really stink if we have another bad year or come so close only to lose. I am just glad we didn’t lose because of the long ball (home run). That would have been worse.

Adler and Espresso

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was up till after 0200 and didn’t want to wake up early despite my mother calling me around 10 to put something defrosting in the fridge. I slept till around 1300 and forced myself to get up. I had to anyway because I had to go to the bathroom. I then flitted on the laptop until it was time to get dressed to catch the bus.

I had 5 shots espresso today and it was really strong. Maybe because I didn’t really dilute it that much with soy milk like I did yesterday. If I go out tomorrow, I will just get 4 shots. I read the chapter I am working on. I now know why Adler lost many followers with his psychology, even though by outward appearance it looks good. It really denounces psychopathology and I feel “blames” the patient for their shortcomings. I hate psychology like that. I doubt you could be suicidal with this type of therapist, which is sad.

There is a workshop going on in Texas right now called Stop Texas Suicides, or something like that. I have been following because my favorite people are there, including Jobes. I adore him. He is my hero. I hope someday I am as good a therapist as he is, if I ever go back to school to finish my degree.

My mother was bitching at me today because I went to Starbucks. She doesn’t understand that I need to get out of the house. Yes, I have coffee for the house but if I drink it, I can’t really go out and have coffee at Starbucks. I am sure people just go there with their own coffee and just sit and use their wifi or read the paper or book. But I feel that is not right. Plus I like buying their sandwiches and having the espresso drinks. I doubt I can ever get an espresso machine. I really would never leave the house. And besides, there is something different when someone makes the drink for you than you making it yourself.

My Starbucks funds are starting to run low so tomorrow I will be having coffee at home. I just hope I can read the chapter while at home. I am more than half way through so I know I can finish it by this weekend. And even though it’s 62 pages, the last 5 or so are references and other crap relating to Adler so it’s not really reading text.

I have had to start putting when I take the trilafon in my medication app so I know when I last took my medication. Last night I was in a quandary as to whether or not I took my evening dose and didn’t want to double up if I did take it. It’s difficult because I don’t put the med in with my night meds because sometimes I don’t need the extra dose. It’s so hard to keep track of when I take it.

Despite drinking all that espresso, I feel a nap coming on. I am just worn out with the heat. I made dinner tonight for my mother and I. We had hamburgers so I got to use the rolls that I bought. I didn’t buy more meat but I will if I do decide to go out tomorrow. I have gone out three days this week. But I got a lot accomplished. If only I can decide what book to read next, I would be set. That was part of the reason I couldn’t sleep last night. I wanted to read something but couldn’t decide what. I really wanted to read some more Adler but the chapter was on the first floor and I didn’t want to go down and get it. I had already done my share of stair climbing that day. And I did today too, because I left my glasses in my bag. I probably will grab it later, if I feel like it.