Tag: chronic physical pain

Moods Have Changed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Moods have changed

I had a crappy sleep. I woke up like every two hours. I had to change position because I was in pain. It totally sucked. Around 0830, I thought I would shower but my mother was in the bathroom. So I decided to wait. Then I had to go and it wasn’t pleasant. I was still in pain every time I had a number 2. Seems like today is shit day because that is all I have been doing since 0900. I wanted to go out but that is not possible. I went to Walgreens okay but that is a short walk. I have two extremes, loose soft/diarrhea stools or hard as rocks stools. Even with the senna, I don’t have a medium. Only time I have one is when I have regular movements which seem far and in between. I am so damn miserable.

I had therapy today and we talked about all that has happened since we last talked. We talked about the insults my father gave me, the drinking, and, inevitably, my suicidality. I have picked a date and I am moving towards a plan. Fuck this pain shit. Fuck my father. I can’t stand either, one more than the other, you choose which. I don’t care anymore. She wanted me to come out to see her but I don’t have the funds to. I don’t get paid till my birthday. I will be dead by then, I hope.

We talked about my writing. She asked what will become of it once I am gone. I told her it will just stay on my laptop. No one will do anything with it. Right now, my “book” is barely fifty pages. No one knows the files. I am not that organized. And besides, some of the stuff is on my blog anyways so anyone could make a book out of it. I just don’t care anymore.

My therapist asked me what would be the one thing that wouldn’t make me so suicidal. I didn’t have an answer for her. She then asked what my reasons for living were. I told her none. I hate when she goes through these things. It always makes me feel a little guilty. And that is all that she was trying to do, was lay a guilt trip on me so I would continue to be. Why would I want to live when every time I have a damn bowel movement, I have pain as well, sometimes for hours? She brought up getting an MRI but I am too scared to know the results. I know there have been changes in my back. I can feel it. Whether or not it requires surgery, that is a different matter. And I am copping out before I know the truth. I see my PCP next week and we have a lot to discuss. I doubt MRI is going to be on the agenda. It’s going to be our last meeting as he is leaving. My thigh pain seemed to have settled down, which has settled down my PTSD symptoms. But I am tired of being in pain or wondering when I am going to get hit with CES x 3. I can’t go on like this. I feel like I am on a shaky rope and someone has finally cut the other end of it. I am dangling at the edge and no one sees it or can help me get up. So I am giving up. I will fall to my death.

Eric Church’s Lyrics

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Eric Church’s Lyrics

I have been listening to “Mr. Misunderstood” album for quite some time now. What I love about this album is the imagery in each song. Like in “Round here buzz” you can see him on top of the hood of his car, drinking. The football field where you can get a “higher high”, the bar that has a neon light out. I love songs like this. Plus the beat and melody gets you moving.

I won’t go through each song because I am too tired to go through each song and describe it. But one song that is very descriptive is his song “Mistress Named Music”. You can picture him in church listening to the piano as his feet is dangling off the pew because he is only five years old. This song is also one of my favorites. There isn’t a song on this album that I don’t like.

The least descriptive is probably “Chattanooga Lucy”. It could be that the song is too fast and I still haven’t grasped the lyrics to it. But it’s very upbeat and I like the melody.

I have been listening to this album for almost a month now. I just can’t stop listening to it. I added Adele’s 25 to the playlist. I feel like I broke sacrilege. Her music is very different from Church. It speaks more from the heart than say a tackle box and a fishing pole.

I have been thinking of sending my story to a friend of mine to read over and see if there are any major mistakes. I added some stuff yesterday so I am up to almost 1700 words. I want to get it up to at least 2000. It should be easy to write 300 words or so. I never should have stopped writing when I started the story. Lesson learned. The only reason I stopped was because it was 2 in the morning and I was getting really tired. The voices were yelling at me to get to sleep so it stopped me from continuing the story. I hate when that happens. The original work was around 500 words so I have worked on it considerably.

I still haven’t showered and it’s too late to have one. My shower likes to make this horrible noise after a while and if my sister is sleeping, I don’t want to wake her up. I will try and take one tomorrow morning. I don’t know why I am having such a hard time taking a damn shower. I guess I am depressed. There is no other explanation for it. I could say it’s laziness but it’s been so hard to get out of bed the past few days. It just has sucked. I know it’s mostly because I have been in horrendous pain and that always brings me down. The pain is still there but it’s in much less intensity.

Dark Hot Chocolate and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dark Hot Chocolate and Other Things

I had bought dark hot chocolate mix and tried it out today. Because I was using more than 8 OZ of milk, I decided to use two packs of mix. HUGE mistake. It was so rich and creamy that could barely taste the chocolate. Note for next time: just use one package!

I slept fairly well. I had a rough start. After my last blog, I fell asleep only to wake up two hours later. I was rearing to go and couldn’t settle down again. I think around 0300 I finally went back to sleep. I slept around five straight hours and felt good. I made some breakfast, which was just biscuits. I was planning on making them with a burger but didn’t. Now after the hot chocolate, I don’t want anymore food.

I need to fill my meds for the week. I dread doing it. It doesn’t really take that long but it’s just that I hate doing it. I should get a month pill pack so I don’t have to worry about it but my fear is that I won’t know when it’s time to refill my meds until I go to fill the boxes again.

A friend of mine from BPD chat had a poll about whether knowing your diagnosis helped you or not. I found out that I was bipolar II last year. All this time before then, I thought I just had recurrent major depression. I can’t say that I am surprised at being Bipolar, but it was kind of a shock to see it in black and white. I don’t get the hypos frequently enough so I was thinking I just had major depression. According to the criteria, just one hypo episode slaps you with bipolar II. Knowing that I have bipolar has been a little easier to accept what my condition is and to live a little better with it. But the depressions are brutal. There is no denying that.

I still am having back and thigh pain. I haven’t made a decision about what to do about it. I could be in the early stages and that is when you want to catch CES. You catch it while it’s doing damage and the outcome is not as favorable. I really don’t want to be facing surgery. And I don’t know, with my insurance, if I will get a board certified surgeon or not. The whole thing is making me very nervous. Question is, should I wait till I see my doc the following Wednesday or call tomorrow to see him?

Baseball Movies and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Baseball movies and other things

I watched a League of Their Own tonight. It was not as funny as I thought it would be but it had its moments. I found it really good. Now I want another baseball movie. I took my meds a little while ago so I am not sure I will be able to watch the entire thing. I am thinking Love of the Game will be next. I love Kevin Costner and this game is more baseball than any movie that I have seen so far. I still want to own Bull Durham and Major League. I have not seen these movies. I rather read books. I also want to see Sandlot. I heard that is a funny movie. My favorite actress, Teryl Rothery plays in Sandlot 2. She always has small roles in movies and TV shows. She is a good actress and don’t understand why she doesn’t have a bigger role. She did in Cedar Cove but the show got cancelled after the 3rd season. I am really going to miss watching it.

My back and thigh are competing as to who is going to hurt more. I am so scared that I might go to the ER tomorrow. It’s not like me to have back pain and leg pain at the same time unless something is seriously wrong. But then I have been thinking…if something is wrong, I will most likely need surgery, which will mean that I got CES x 3. I can’t live with that. The rehab is tough and having the surgery doesn’t mean that I will be 100%. Every time I get this syndrome, I lose function in some extremity and it takes me a long time to recover. Last time it occurred, it took me 8 months to have a fully functioning left leg, well I thought it was fully functioning. My ankle didn’t turn out to be fully functioning but no one noticed this. I sometimes lose perception of where my feet are so I need to carry things in one hand while holding on and looking at my feet to see where they are. Otherwise, there is a great chance I could fall down the stairs. I did that a few years ago and it wasn’t pleasant. I want to email my psychiatrist to get her input but she is having surgery for her own problems this week. I don’t know why this shit has to happen on the weekend. The problem started last week with twitching and now has moved to pain. I don’t like this progression. Today I was crapping without having to force myself to. I have no idea if that is normal or not as I am so used to pushing to get shit out. But the shit was flowing, on its own and I felt it so I don’t think I am losing control of my bowels. It’s so damn sad that with everything that goes on, you have to go through a mental checklist to see if you are normal or not. If this didn’t happen then you are fine. If this happens, then you are fucked. I hate this syndrome with a passion. It has you self doubting all the time. And because it’s the damn weekend, you can’t just call and talk to your doctor. You can talk to the doc on call but they don’t know you from Adam and your background.

Part of me thinks I will be okay until Monday. I should have made an appointment for this week so I could at least get scheduled for an MRI. Now I got to wait unless I go to the ER tomorrow. It will suck because chances are I will be there all day. I kind of want to know what is going on yet I don’t. I just know my back is hurting coupled with leg pain and I know that isn’t good. I am also scared that because my back is so messed up, I might have to get a fusion. If that is the case, I will never be able to work again. Every one that I know with a fusion never heals right and always has problems and worse pain than before surgery. I don’t want to go through that. I rather kill myself than go through that.