Tag: chronic physical pain

Can’t Find My Beanie Hat

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can’t find my Beanie hat

Since getting my new haircut, my head has been cold and I need a hat to keep warm. I thought it would be the perfect time to wear a beanie hat but I can’t locate the thing. I think I gave it away because I didn’t like the way if fit or never really wore it. That was when I had hair. Now I am just down to less than a whiffle so I think a beanie hat would be perfect to wear. But it’s missing. It will turn up when I am looking for something else. I don’t even know where my knitted hats are. I will need to find them as winter is approaching. In searching for the beanie hat, I have found many swim trunks. Now if I ever go swimming, I have several pairs. I also found a pair of scrub pants that I thought were gone. They are a cranberry color and they are my favorite. I don’t know if they still fit as I have gained weight since buying them. They will make nice pjs in the winter, if they do fit.

I slept really late today. I couldn’t believe I slept till 1030. I had breakfast and then read some more of the Civil War book. While I was reading it, I forgot to take my morning dose of my blood pressure pills. Another missed dose as it’s too late to take it now. I meant to take it when I got up but forgot. I turned off the app alarm telling me to take it and it just slipped my mind. I hate taking morning pills for this reason.

My butt is still hurting me today. I had another movement and that caused me some pain. I wish there was something I can take for it but there is nothing. I just have to wait till it passes. It sucks. Nerve pain has to be the worse kind of pain there is because narcs don’t touch it at all. And that just makes it worse as far as constipation goes. I’m just glad I didn’t have to labor my movement this morning. That just makes the pain worse. I have been having bowel cramps the past hour or so. I think I might have another run at going. Just hope it doesn’t kill me.

It’s been three weeks now since I bought Eric Church’s newest CD. I am glad it’s on my MP3 player because otherwise I might have worn it out. I haven’t listened to nothing else. I have thrown in a couple of Carrie Underwood songs but the majority of the music is Church. I just love this album and can’t go back to anything else. If I am not listening to it, the songs run in my head. It doesn’t run in a psychotic way but the songs will shuffle through. I have thought about throwing in his song “Springsteen” but that will mess up the tempo of the CD. It like an addiction right now. I know eventually I will go back to the other music I bought but right now I need Church’s music. I can’t explain it.

I was emailing a friend of mine that also has CES. We kind of bitch to one another about the pain that we are in as we understand what the other is going through. She has been such a good support to me through the years. She lives in my state so we have seen each other a couple of times. I think we last met in May or June of this year after the horrible winter we had. It took until then for the commuter rail to get back to a normal schedule. The T has been “winterizing” the trains, though I have no idea how they are doing this. They show pics on the Twitter feed about what they are doing but I don’t know how that is going to help. I just hope this winter is not as bad as last year. It’s warm today so that is a good sign we are not going to be having a crappy winter. I think we can’t have another brutal season because last year it was already cold in December and just got worse through March. I know that I have to come up with some kind of walking thing at home in case I get snowed in for a week or two. Last time I spent most of February in the house and when I started walking, my calves cramped up pretty good because I was using them. I really don’t want to go through that again as it was awful.

I haven’t had lunch yet. I was going to order out but my funds are short. Turns out the order I placed never charged me and so I didn’t have the money I thought I had. I am glad I didn’t make a withdrawal or I would be in the red. I still don’t have the stuff I ordered. It won’t come for another two weeks. The place I ordered from charged my account for each item I ordered. It totally confused the hell out of me because I didn’t make transactions in a few days. I hate when you order stuff and they break up the purchases. Drives me nuts. Amazon will sometimes do that, too.

Random 123

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So far my day had been ok. I read my Civil War book and wrote a little more on my short story. I had a nap that was good until I woke up with my good foot hurting. Soon as I repositioned it, it felt better so I am not sure what its problem was. I had lunch after my nap. I was going to have a cheeseburger but decided to make a peanut butter and jelly roll up. That was good. Think I will have my cheeseburger for dinner. My mother made awful chicken wings last night. She used ketchup as a sauce. I only like ketchup with fries and tater tots. She didn’t have any BBQ sauce. I think she should have checked this before defrosting a whole bag of wings. I would have gone to the store to get the sauce. My mother just doesn’t think sometimes.

What turned my day bad was my damn bowels. I again had to push like I was in labor to get the stool out. It hurt like hell. I have been taking fiber pills and senna as I haven’t gone in a few days. I think the hard stuff is out but I still feel uncomfortable. My ass is killing me with nerve pain so it’s very uncomfortable to sit. I go through this with every single bowel movement. It hurts but usually it goes away. But if I am straining to go, the more I hurt. Now I am in a bad mood because I am in pain in place that shouldn’t really be hurting. Every time it hurts, it just reminds me that I don’t have normal bowels anymore thanks to Cauda Equina Syndrome. It stresses me out. I just want to die right now just so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I really was expecting the fiber pills to soften my stools to make it easier to go. I guess that plan didn’t work, least not yet. I can’t take too much because if I do make soft stools, I will lose control and crap my pants. I will lose it if that happens. I’ve already come close to crying once today.

Today is National Cookie Day so I had one of my molasses cookies that I bought. I have been craving them for some time now. But I was only able to stomach one. I am so backed up that food doesn’t interest me. I think about eating it, but when I actually get it, I am turned off by it. I hate feeling this way. I should have had coffee today but it’s too late now to have a cup. I had a cup of tea with breakfast and that just put me to sleep. I will have it tomorrow. Think I will make the Brazil coffee.

The temp is in the forties, but it feels colder in the house. Even my laptop is cold to the touch. We are supposed to go up to the 50s this week. I hope we do. I can’t take the cold because it’s bothering my hip/back. I wanted to vacuum today but my hip has been talking to me most of the day so it’s not happening. I would be hurting more if I attempted to do it. I wish my mother didn’t bring the big vacuum downstairs. It would have been easier for me to vacuum with it than the little dirt devil that I have. Oh well. If I felt like lugging it back upstairs I would. I am surprised my mother brought it down the stairs. I am always so fearful of her falling because of her knees giving her so much trouble.

Mensch

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Mensch

My therapist and I were talking about my suicidality and she called me a mensch. At first, I thought she said wench and I was like wow, she is calling me a bad name for the first time. But when I asked her to repeat it, she said Mensch, with an “m”. She looked it up in her dictionary to find the meaning. I laughed because she had the book not an electronic one on her phone like most people now a days. I sometimes forget they still exist. Anyways, the word mensch means “person of integrity and honor”. I had to look up the spelling of the word (as I had no clue how to spell Jewish words. She said it was a Jewish word.) Leave it to her to call me that when I feel like crap. It does fit me, though I would always be expected to be called something other than that, given how I feel.

Time went slower today in session than it did yesterday. We were talking about how my father always gives me a hard time and just expects me to jump when he calls. He called today and wanted me to go over to his house for his meds as he was out. I couldn’t go because my ankle was a bitch. It was raining anyways, which didn’t help my pain levels at all. I asked my sister to go as she works down the street from him. I told her what he needed for tonight and I would fill the rest tomorrow. She texted back that he was running low on one of his meds. Great. I would either have to call the pharmacy or the doctor’s office tomorrow. I won’t know until I get there. He didn’t care that I was in pain. How typical. All this guy cares about is himself and his needs. Makes me sick.

So my therapist talked about this for a while. We also talked about me not wanting to be around for my birthday that is coming up in a couple weeks. She told me it is unlikely that I will be talking to her that day. Her daughter has a half day of school and she needs to be out of the office to pick her up. She has a short week that week so I don’t know if we can schedule another time. Not that it really matters. I really don’t want anyone making a fuss about it. My family included. They are planning this big party but they aren’t sure where they are going to have it. I don’t even know when or where it is going to be. I told them I would rather just have it with just my immediate family members (my nieces, nephew, mother, father, and sisters) than have it with extended family. But my sisters are not hearing me. It’s making me upset. I rather they do it at my youngest sister’s place when her kitchen is all finished. I’ll still be the same number so what is the big deal? And with me just not wanting to be here anyway, it’s just increasing my suicidality.

I finished off the SSD paperwork and will be mailing it in tomorrow. I wasn’t leaving the house today unless it was burning down. I just hurt too much. My therapist was happy with what I wrote. I just hope that the SSD people see that I am still disabled. I might not have been in the hospital for a year now, but that is the only improvement. I might have to be if this birthday thing gets worse. I was also telling my therapist that I don’t want to be here because of the increase in pain and would try something after I say goodbye to my PCP for the last time. He is leaving the practice and I will be seeing someone I don’t know. I just can’t deal with change and stress. My therapist pointed out that she is not going anywhere and that I can’t leave my pdoc hanging while she is recovering from surgery. Usually her saying these things makes me re-think things about my death but not this time. I think I am in deep constriction and I want a way out. Come to think of it, talking to her the same day as the day I see my PCP will be the last time I talk to her, too. Only thing is, I don’t really have a plan. Going to have to think of one between now and then.

After our session, I took some pain meds as my ankle was really hurting. I was waiting for the session to end to take them because I didn’t want to be loopy Lou while talking to her. I’m still feeling loopy Lou because I haven’t been able to sleep off the meds. I just can’t seem to fall asleep when I lie down. If I am sitting up, I am dozing off but soon as I lie down, forget it, I am awake. I have gotten so used to my pain waking me up and startling me that I think lying down just gives me flashbacks and I am unable to relax enough to sleep. That is why it takes me so damn long to actually fall asleep sometimes. Last night despite me telling Twitter world that I was passing out, it took me at least an hour to actually do so. It really sucks having PTSD.

Hurting Really Bad

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hurting really bad

I went out to have dinner with my friend. I am paying the price because I was standing/walking too long while waiting for him. I was early and I was hot as I got stuck on a warm train so I didn’t go into the restaurant to sit and wait for him. I was at my boiling point and really wanted to take off not only my jacket but also my sweater and be just in a t-shirt. I felt funny going to that level and didn’t go there. But the pain that I am feeling right now, I don’t want to go out the rest of the week. Unfortunately I have to and that is killing me. I don’t have to go out tomorrow so I am having a rest day. I am doing two, possibly three things tomorrow: having therapy, calling my father to remind him of his appointment, and possibly call the dentist if I remember. I need a cleaning as it’s been almost two years. I hate the dentist.

Like I thought, my therapy appointment went by so fast and we talked a lot about everything that went on between last Wednesday and today. She does think I had some kind of withdrawal thing going on, though it isn’t too clear because I also didn’t eat and it could have been hypoglycemia as well. We talked about the SSD review that I am under. If she doesn’t think I should add something more to what I already wrote, then I will mail it Thursday when I am out and about again. I am not looking forward to it. I hope that my father doesn’t need a damn wheelchair because I might just run him over with it. I also need to go to his house after his medical appointment to do his fucking meds. I had a hard time filling my meds this week. I just was too depressed to fill it for the week. So I played hodgepodge. I just took what I felt like taking but I filled it before I left the house to have dinner with my friend.

I had a nice time out. It’s a shame that it ended with my ankle flaring up. Right now the pain is at an 8/9 on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst pain. If it goes up a notch or two, I am going to have to take the strong pain pill again. If I do, I can kiss having a BM this week goodbye. I just will be too constipated. Hate this side effect of my pain meds. Having a BM is so painful, sometimes I just want to die because it hurts so bad. Add in being constipated and hard stools and I really want to kill myself.