Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Feeling tired of feeling like shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling tired of feeling like shit

I had a big flare up Wed after I came home from therapy. My foot pain was really bad. I swear the pain was on a scale of infinity. I was taking my meds but it didn’t seem to work. I was up all night and didn’t go to sleep until my mother got up around 7 or so am. I slept all day with her calling me at least twice to “find out where I was”. Yesterday I was in a horrible mood. I came down in the morning and my mother was just being sarcastic. I didn’t even talk to her. I just used the bathroom and then went back to my bed. I stayed there all day. I thought today I would be able go to Starbucks and read but I was much to exhausted. That flare took a lot out of me. I barely had anything to eat. I am not hungry. I thought about ordering food but I really didn’t want to go all the way downstairs to get it.

My mood still sucks, though it should be good seeing as the dufus in office is getting close to being arrested or something. It will come out soon enough. I just hope we aren’t in a war by then.

I miss baseball. It was the one dependable distraction I could count on to help me deal with the pain. Now I got nothing. Facebook has a new thing about ads. OMG. I used to just have two taps to get rid of them, now I hide them, and I have to answer why I don’t like them before I can make them go away forever (for that particular ad). I am getting so sick of Facebook. Twitter just has nothing of interest. For every one dog or cat post, there are at least five about gun control and the NRA. I followed one doc and now she retweets everything. I get it is important but I don’t want to see the damn tweets every single day around the clock!! Fuck! I really don’t know what I want my social media to be about anymore. It isn’t entertaining like it used to be.

I don’t know, maybe it is me. My interest in things are low. I really wanted to finish the book NeverWhere and though I am half way done, I am still not close to finishing it. I tried this week but the damn pain flare threw me out of whack. I tried to read it tonight but my brain just couldn’t focus. Happens when I sleep all day for a couple of days. I end up in this stupor and don’t really know what day it is. I am still in pain but it is not as bad as it was before. Even typing this on my laptop, I am finding the letters to be a challenge. I guess I am just not with it.

My mother put my cake in the fridge. I don’t think it is supposed to be so it is probably hard as a rock. I’ll probably have to dump it and I am pissed about it. Fucking bitch thinks everything goes in the fridge or can be frozen forever. I am glad I didn’t have to deal with her the last few days because I was sleeping. She was really getting on my nerves. Someone in my support group mentioned finding a roommate and renting a place, but don’t tell my family. How the hell am I supposed to move out without them knowing?? Some people just don’t think before they let their ideas out. I hope me being up this late doesn’t cause me to be sleeping all day again. I got to get my pain meds tomorrow and I want a steak and cheese for supper. I took out burgers for lunch. I got to eat something more than cookies. I had coffee today but it didn’t help me stay awake. Maybe I should have some more now, LOL. I am drowsy but every time I lay down, my brain goes into a million things. I can’t shut it off. Drives me nuts. Pain is not helping because it is giving me anxiety, which just fuels the brain fire of thoughts. I am going to try one more time and if I can’t sleep, I am reading the Neil Gaiman book. I don’t know what else to do.

Flare, writing from phone, bullshit of a day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

Foot and ankle are in indescribable pain. The pain level is so high I don’t think a number can be assigned to it. It went out on me when I was going up to my room after dinner. I’ve been trying to control it. Nothing has helped and sound seems to be making it worse. I can’t make any movements or my foot goes berserk. I am in fucking hell.

My mother has annoyed me all fucking day since I got up. You would think after all this time she should know not to talk to me first thing in the morning, unless I initiate the conversation. I’ve been telling her all day that I hurt. I swear if I knew how to say it in Italian, i would. Maybe then she would understand. She wanted me to take the trash and recycling down. My sister was up this morning when I used the bathroom so why didn’t she ask her to take it down? Fuck. I cannot hold something while going down the stairs when I am hurting. Too much of a risk of a fall.

I took an Uber to my therapist’s area. I had some me time finally. I wrote a page and half in my journal. I ate my favorite Starbucks sandwich (holiday). My foot was not tolerating the sock but it was freezing out so I wasn’t going to not wear one with my sneakers. I am not going out again till maybe Friday.

I feel totally horrible because of pain. I need quiet when I am in a flare but the TV downstairs was loud. I could hear it as if it was in my room. No point in asking my mother to turn it down. I am “resting” so can’t be in pain. When my ankle gave out on the stairs, she asked where my cane was and I told her my room. Then she quipped I should have rested then. Like what the fuck does resting going to fucking do? Doesn’t matter if I rest all day or not. I flare nothing is going to help!! I’ve been in my room for nearly 3 hours. Taken meds and “rested” and pain has not gone down a notch. I have a heating pad on it and it feels like I have lead on it. The pad feels so heavy on my foot. But it got cold and there was no way I was attempting to put a sock on it. That would seriously be suicide. I’d rather kill myself than try that. I took extra pain meds. I figure I would write before I was toast.

I did my transition selfies today as it is day 63. I look pitiful in them and madder than hell. I wasn’t in a good mood so didn’t care. I tried a few time not to look like an asshole but it didn’t work. Oh well. I had a member in my group go off on me. Um, no you don’t. I gave her a warning for being hostile. Didn’t want to but she was so out of line.

I wanted to read tonight but ha, that is a joke. Meds are already starting to kick in so before my writing on my phone gets garbled, I’ll end here. Ciao.

Baking Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in baking, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Baking Tuesday

I had back pain throughout the night. I just woke up with pain that immobilized me. I couldn’t move so getting something to stop the pain was difficult. I woke twice hurting. I was late in taking my morning meds because I fell back to sleep after I shut off the med alarm. I got up around 11 or maybe a little after, I don’t remember. I went downstairs and my mother was sleeping sitting up. I woke her up to see if she was okay. Her back was hurting her too. I looked at the temp as I was waiting for my pancakes to heat up. Temp had dropped like 20 points in less than 24 hours. Fuck. No wonder. Didn’t matter what the barometric pressure was. Whenever a temp drops or goes higher than 10 points, I hurt. It is like my spine can’t take the change. I was determined to make this cranberry cake, though. I had to stop a few times as I just couldn’t stand. It came out okay, though I used too much butter. My brain was foggy so I couldn’t count tablespoons. I am very upset with myself because I love this cake. It is still good, just buttery. I will give some away to my barber and therapist in the morning.

I have decided I am going to use Uber for my therapy appointment. I am not messing with the bus getting there. I might take one home. I haven’t decided yet. It will depend on how I feel. I just don’t want to leave my house three hours early and not have a fricken hour to write in my journal when I take the bus and it being late. I am so sick of that. I haven’t decided if I am going to let the driver let me off at the Walgreens or Starbucks. Might be Walgreens as they have a little drop off there right at the bus stop whereas the Starbucks doesn’t.

It is supposed to be cold the rest of the week. Yesterday’s high temp was a tease. I took a nap after my baking. I was knocked out but then I didn’t sleep really good last night. I had another hard time going to sleep because of pain. By the time it settled down, it was after 1 am. I got into the book NeverWhere. I think it will be the last Neil Gaiman book I read in a while. I am going to read some more after I write this. I want to see if I can finish it by the end of the week. I don’t think I am going to complete my book challenge. I might have to lower it to like 18 books or something. I want to finish this book and then the suicidal helping book. The suicidal helping book is good but I need to reflect after I finish the chapter. There is just so much information in the short chapter and then I want the references that she puts in there, some of which I have. I am up to Tip number 19 and there are 89 so I have 70 to go. If I can read these two books for this month, I will call that a victory. I don’t think I can finish Trail of Tears as that book is very tough to read. If I can read some more of the White Fragility book, that will be good. It is not a big book, like maybe 200 pages or so. But it is not an easy book because it challenges your perception of racism towards people of color. I also want to start “The hate U Give.” So many books and I just bought two more, the Michelle Obama book and Crimes of Grindewald. I am a Potterhead! I should get Fantastical Beasts and where to find them first. The movies look amazing. I rather read the book though. Grindewald book is a screenplay so it probably is like The Cursed Child. I kind of don’t like that because it just doesn’t seem like a book where there is no description of the background or what someone looks like. I had such difficulty reading the Cursed Child because of that. I do have other books though. There is another John Grisham book, actually, I have like five books. Two hardcover and maybe three Kindle. I swear one of these days, I will get to them. I hope next year I will read more but I say that every year and it never happens. I seem to be lucky to read 14 this year.

Sunday Blog 2 Dec 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 2 Dec 2018

It has been three days since I lowered my mood stabilizer dose by 300 mg and I am feeling better with each passing day. The first couple of days were rough, especially as Friday I had a flare that caused me to pretty much sleep all day yesterday. Today I was feeling better. I did some stuff, like empty my recycles. I went up and down stairs too many times as my foot is not yelling at me and the “glob” on my ankle is throbbing. I hope I didn’t cause another flare in the making. I also did my med boxes for the week. I have decided to keep my night med box at my bedside rather than on my bureau. It is just easier for me, especially when my ankle pain is exacerbated when I stand. The bones in my ankle just feel like they are being crushed when I bear weight. It goes away when I move about my room, usually by the time I reach my door, but I rather minimize pain when I can.

My mother made lasagna for supper. Not my favorite dish. I had a burger for lunch and then some watermelon rather than some cookies. I bought the watermelon last week so I had to eat it before it all went bad. I had it with my coffee. I bought Stevia in the raw as a sweetener so I can try to reduce my sugar. It tastes okay. I like that only need one packet but found that I need much less for a cup of tea. I think I will use regular sugar for tea as I am not sure how much to use. I just like it a little sweet. A friend of mine while I was working didn’t use sugar in her tea and sometimes I got the cups mixed up so was using less sugar and it stuck. I still need at least 2 teaspoons for coffee though. At Starbucks, I don’t use sugar in my espresso as the soy is sweet enough.

I am regretting canceling my appointment with my therapist for tomorrow as I am feeling better. Granted I have not been out of the house, though, since Friday. I need to go to the Square tomorrow to buy an ingredient for some cookies that my friend told me are made to help with constipation. I am not going to use brewer’s yeast like the recipe calls for but will use the flaxseed meal. I had some but gave the bag to my sister as I didn’t think I would use it again. Not sure if I will bake the cookies tomorrow or not. I still need to make the cranberry recipe as I don’t want them to go bad. I bought them the week before Thanksgiving hoping to make them for dessert but the fatigue stopped me. The baking dish has been in my kitchen since then and my mother yelled at me tonight to use it or put it away. (But it is okay for her stuff to stay as long as it wants.) I got to take my laptop downstairs when my foot calms down. She wants to get another freezer as the one we bought is not frost free and it is annoying her. Maybe I will do that tomorrow. I am not really feeling like being aggravated with her looking at specs and things (or her touching my screen!)

I read one chapter of NeverWhere before dinner. I am sort of hooked on it now as I want to see if the guy gets back to the real world. It is a really weird book. I will hold off on Neil Gaiman for a while after I finish this one. I wanted to read 25 books this year but cut it down to 22. I am up to 14. I don’t think I will meet my challenge. I think I read 20 books last year but pain really hindered my reading time as my concentration was lousy. I downloaded the History Channel app the other night when I was in a flare. I watched some show about Oak Island in Canada. There are a lot of seasons so I think they drag it out, like they always do. I am not a huge TV person and usually only watch an episode or two of something whenever. I still haven’t finished the Travelers season 1. I think I have 4 or 6 episodes left before reaching season 2. Season 3 is ready to drop in a couple of weeks. But each episode ends in like a cliff hanger so you have to watch the next episode! I usually watch when I can’t sleep and want to be up for a couple of hours. Usually by 3 or 4 am I call it quits. TV just keeps me up, which is why I don’t have one in my room. I would NEVER sleep! Or read!

I am almost done Christmas shopping. I just need to get my mother something, which is usually a gift card. I also need to get my kids something but no idea what. The only “kid” is 13, the other three are adults. I might get them gift cards too. The 13 year old likes snacks so maybe I will get some of her favorites. I am glad this year I have some cash left over for gifts. I usually don’t. I still worry that what I have left over now is going to dwindle some because my insurance is going up and I will have to pay for my prescriptions. And with the new insurance, I am not sure what I will be paying my therapist. If it is more than what my Medicare co-pay is then I will just stick with the Medicare and tell him to bill that and then just use the other insurance for the rest of my medical stuff as I think Medicare is getting in the way of my care. I don’t have proof, but just call it a gut feeling.