Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

cooler day but still in the 80s

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cooler day but still in the 80s

Today was much less humid than the past few days. I had woken up early in pain but went back to sleep after I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I then woke up around 11 and got ready for the 1150 bus. I shaved my head again. I am getting better at it but the sides and back are still uneven. I had to use a new razor because my mother likes mine but doesn’t rinse it out after she uses it. Pisses me off. I just bought some new cartridges for the razor on Amazon. It was a sweet deal. I might get some more next week when I get paid as it was a good price.

I fiddled with my phone to pass time. Then I got dressed and went to the bus stop. The bus was late. I ordered my drink and a donut through the Starbucks mobile app so it would be ready when I got there. I am liking this feature. Beats standing in line and then waiting for your order. I wrote in my journal until I was a popsicle and then I left to go to my PCP’s office to pick up my prescription. Fucking asshole didn’t change the count again, so I will be back in 20 days or less.

I got to the Square and was parched so I got some water. I meant to bring a water bottle with me but forgot. I waited for the bus and then went to Walgreens. On the ride home, I called my mother to see if she needed anything. She told me to pick up some tissues as they were on sale. I dropped off the prescription and was told there was a 30 minute wait. I said I would be back. Here it is more than 30 minutes later and my script is still not ready. I am pissed.

While I was at Starbucks, I called the neuro clinic to reschedule my appt with a CRPS specialist. I got a fucking generalist. I specifically said CRPS. I have a general neuro that I have been seeing for years so I am going to ask my psych what to do. If I call again, I am going to lose my patience.

I came home and I was a sweating mess. My sister used my laptop to print something and shut off the ceiling fan. It was hot in my room as she left the door open. UGH. I quickly turned on the AC. I am feeling better now but lazy as I don’t want to go back to Walgreens. I might after dinner. Sun won’t go down until around 2030 as today is the longest day of the year. My ankle started to act up soon as I got up the stairs so I took some pain meds. I hope it settles down some. It’s much too hot to be in pain the rest of the day and night.

I am feeling really frustrated. I might email my neuro and see what she thinks about seeing another neuro for my CRPS. I honestly don’t think I am going to get any answers unless the doc specifically specializes in CRPS. I am just burnt out in hunting for doctors to get what I go through. The only one that understands is my psych. I wish all doctors had her empathy and sympathy and understanding. It would make my life so much easier. I wouldn’t have to fight so much to get the care I need.

My mother is making my favorite for dinner, pasta and sauce. I forgot to take out the ground beef so I could make my meat sauce. I guess I will wait for the weekend. I have dentist appointment tomorrow afternoon. I am glad because waking up has been a problem for me. I tend to sleep during the morning hours, no matter what time I get to bed and also tend to wake up before 0700. Sometimes I stay up but mostly I just go back to sleep, if I am able.

Think I am going to watch a couple of STTNG episodes tonight. The ballgame was played during the day so my evening time is free. I might also read as I haven’t all week. I am slowly plowing through the books but it takes a little motivation, which I don’t always have. It’s so hard to read when you are in pain and depressed.

Random 935

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 935

I woke up before dawn in pain. I took my meds and pretty much slept all day. I didn’t wake up till around 1515. I was having a strange dream, but I don’t remember it now. I ordered a burger and onion rings for my dinner. My sister was having a party for my nephew as his birthday is next week but half the family is going to Italy starting tomorrow. I won’t see my sisters and nieces for almost two weeks. I am going to miss them.

I made a few phone calls while I was waiting for my food and the party to start. I called my PCP’s office to see if my prescription was ready to be picked up. It was so I will be going tomorrow to get it. The next was to the neurology clinic. I wanted to see the doctor’s colleague and instead I got a fricken resident who specializes in Multiple Sclerosis. That isn’t going to help me! I was so annoyed. I am going to call tomorrow and request someone else that is not a resident and who specializes in CRPS. I don’t need a regular neuro, I already have one. I need someone that knows about this pain condition so I can know if there is a better treatment out there. I don’t think there is but doesn’t hurt to see a specialist.

I emailed my psych about this and she apologized for not calling me back yesterday. She said she might call me later or tomorrow. It’s been later and I still haven’t heard from her so I guess she will call me tomorrow. I just want to talk to her about taking a lot of Neurontin lately. I know it’s not helping my weight but it is helping me sleep more soundly, better than Ativan. Once I get to sleep that is. I’m just worried that I am using too high a dose as I just play with the dosing. Sometimes I take 900 mg, other times I take 1200 mg. Sometimes it’s twice a day I will take either of these dose or higher. Then there will be days I don’t take any. It doesn’t help my physical pain, just the burning that I get. But I have gained 10 pounds while using it and I hate it.

My pain in the ass aunt came over. After the cake, she was telling me how to make money by writing about her family, like I don’t know anything about books. UGH, I had to explain to her that unless you get a good PR and publisher, you won’t make a cent. She wanted me to write it. Like fucking hell will I spend the hours with her writing this book. I can’t stand being with her for more than 5 minutes. I hate her with all my being. She tries to get on my “good” side but I see right through her. Then she was telling me the story of JK Rowling and how she is a billionaire now. I laughed and asked her do you know how many publishers rejected her work? Almost all of England. She got rejected over 20 times and she persisted. I am grateful she has and the whole Potterworld is too.

Despite sleeping all day, I still feel tired. I had a rough night of pain as I didn’t go to sleep till at least 3 only to wake up a few hours later, still in pain. Now after the party, my pain is back from sitting too long. Never fails.

0230 Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

0230 blog

I’m in horrible pain tonight. I just had some ice cream because I felt like having it. I just took some Ativan and more pain meds. I had taken a strong pain pill hours ago but I don’t want to take anymore tonight. I took 900 mg of Neurontin and that was my second dose. I just take whatever I feel like taking with the Neurontin. I don’t care. It’s out of my system within 8 hours so as long as I sleep it off, I am okay. I don’t sleep it off and I am a zombie.

I paged my psych to discuss the Neurontin dosing as I tend to substitute it for my pain meds just so I can sleep rather than be in pain. Sleep has been the only real pain reliever for me. I get into a deep sleep with the drug better than my pain meds or Ativan. The hard part is actually getting to fucking sleep. Every time I lie down, my damn pain increases, making it nearly impossible to fall asleep.

My psych never called me back. I waited until midnight. She will most likely call me in the morning or early afternoon. I just hope I am semi awake. Her ringtone is something that will wake me up. I plan on making iced coffee tomorrow. I hope I make it right.

Something is going on with my big toe. There is a tendon that keeps popping up when it severely hurts. I have noticed it will involuntarily move upwards. I try to move it downwards but because of the nerve damage I have to touch it and move it with my hand, which causes me pain because it is so sensitive to touch.

I created a Facebook group for people that is up after midnight. It’s called After Midnight Club. Here is the link
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1885382218387087/

just in case any readers who are on Facebook want to join. It an open group, for now, so posts can be seen through the public. Once I get more people in the group, I will make it closed so only members can see the posts.

I’m going to try this thing called sleep now. If it doesn’t work, I will be back, maybe…

wicked hot hot

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wicked hot hot

It’s been awful with the humidity the past few days. Today I had to go out in it for my therapy appointment. I brought a facecloth with me so I could dab at the sweat. I had perspiring but there is nothing I can do about it in warm weather.

I woke up before six to use the bathroom and then I went back to sleep for almost 5 hours. It was around 11 I woke up. I was hungry and didn’t know what I wanted to make. I have a package of bacon that I need to use but didn’t have time to cook it. I really didn’t feel like making it. It was too hot. I just made some toast. Before I went downstairs, I checked my internet and I still didn’t have it. There were no messages on my phone either so Verizon didn’t call me.

After I made my toast, I got ready to head to Starbucks. The bus was late, even though it wasn’t too full. Thankfully, it had the AC cranked. I ordered my Starbucks through the app so it would be ready by the time I got there. I wanted to try the mobile order. It was easy once I figured out how to order my drink. It’s not complicated as I just get 4 shots of espresso on ice. I had a reward so I used it for my breakfast sandwich. It was all ready by the time the bus got to the Square. Neat.

After I had breakfast, I wrote in my journal. After an hour, I was bored. I wish I brought a book with me. I was really nervous about my therapy appointment. I wasn’t in pain as I took some meds before leaving the house. I needed to buy water as I knew I would be thirsty in the heat. I bought it at Starbucks and then left for the train station. I was early so I let a few trains pass before I got on. It was only a few stops I had to go.

I was sweating a lot by the time I reached the office. Luckily, they had AC in the waiting room. I cooled off some and thought about what to talk about with my therapist. I almost left a few minutes before he called me in. I was so nervous. I began nervously asking him if he minded me going through with transitioning. He answered with a damn question. I fucking hate that. I was getting annoyed and I guess he could sense it so then I asked if he cared about me or was I just a paycheck to him. I explained that a therapist was using me at one point for my insurance and he said he doesn’t take people on unless he cares about them. I felt good in that answer. Then I started crying for whatever reason. I guess the frustration and relief of his answers were reassuring me that I didn’t have to go find another therapist. That this was going to work.

We talked about my ex-therapist and how it was when I picked up my things. I told him about the things that I had gotten back and the blog I wrote about the paper in high school I wrote. I also told him about the book where a poem or essay was published in high school. He didn’t seem impressed but I wasn’t looking at him so not sure. I kept staring at his bookcase, taking inventory of his books. I also told him about the New York Times article and how upset I was over the comments attacking me and my ex-therapist.

I paused and thought about the transition and how I came out to my oldest niece and cousin. I told him about it and how I am going to move forward with it. He said that the stuff about my ex-therapist I should not fill up with the whys or other noise. It would just be harming me. That is hard to do because I still feel responsible for her ending therapy, even though my psych and him has told me it’s not my fault. I think in time I will have that sink in.

He also wanted to know where I was in the transition. So I said that I need a physical and then I can call the LGBTQA health center to move forward. They need that for the initial appointment. It would be several appointments before I was going to get hormone therapy, least according to the information sheet I read online from the center. I told him the reaction my mother had to someone who went through transition and I felt like dying. He wants to work on my response because there is no changing her. I told him I was fearful of being kicked out and he said he would work with me on finding sources so that doesn’t happen. I know at this point my mother is dependent on my check so I have that leverage. I just don’t know if she will be amenable to living with a man. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

All in all, the appointment went better than I thought. He knows this is a huge transition for me and that I am grieving the loss of a 16 year relationship. He said I am like a tootsie pop, tough on the outside but soft inside. I jokingly asked him how many sessions did it take for him to figure that out. He said it with some affection which eased my guard. I am still learning to trust him, something that I never thought I would have to do, again.