Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

pain rant 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain rant 3

I left my bed and as I was taking the sheets off my foot, my big toe didn’t like it. The whole foot exploded in pain. There went the plans I had with my sister to go out for dinner. I had a frozen dinner for a late lunch and then a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner. My foot and ankle pain has been off the charts. I had to take a strong pain pill. It still hasn’t settled down and I took it about 4 hours ago.

The game is about to start soon. I hope it will distract me from the pain. I have been draining my phone’s battery as I still don’t have internet so been using my phone for social media. I only connect to the hotspot if I need to. I hope to have my net back tomorrow, or at least a phone call as to why it is still off.

I wrote out a few things I wanted to discuss with my therapist tomorrow. I thought the list would be longer but it was essentially three things. I wrote them in my phone so I wouldn’t have to bring in paper. Depending on the first question, which is does he care, I will then go to my next question. If he doesn’t care, there is no point in continuing the conversation.

My thoughts have been really in the toilet. It’s hot in the house so I barely leave my room, except to use the bathroom or get something to eat, which just causes me pain going up and down the stairs. I feel like I am confined and it doesn’t feel good. I hope my pain is down by tomorrow so I can see my therapist but it’s going to be hotter and more humid. I hate this kind of weather. I really hate summer.

I really just want to die because it would be better than living this life of pain every single day and night. I just am losing my patience with it. I can’t tolerate it anymore. Only relief I get is when I sleep because I am exhausted.

Just went to the bathroom for the hundredth time today. I don’t know why my bladder gets so damn full as I haven’t been drinking a lot of fluids today. I know I probably should in this heat but it causes me to leak more so I don’t drink. I think I found out why my big toe hurts me all the time. I have a tendon that is popping up. I can’t move my toes downward because of my nerve injury. I can move it up but not down, least the big toe anyway. I’ll have to go back to the foot doc and see what they say. I am sure nothing will be done and they will just tell me to keep doing what I have been doing (which is just take my pain meds and hope the pain goes away). I am tired of that bullshit. It gets old so quickly.

Father’s Day 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Father’s Day 2017

I woke up at 4 and it took a while to get back to sleep. Then I woke up around 0845 and realized my mother would not be going to my aunt’s so I figure I just get up and make breakfast. I made bacon and egg sandwich. It was good. Then I shaved my head before going back upstairs. I am trying to keep it close but I am not doing a good job in the back. I don’t see the barber for another two weeks for him to straighten it out. I really don’t want to dip into my savings for a haircut.

I’ve been thinking of my father most of the day today as it’s Father’s day and it’s the second year without him. It is still weird that he isn’t around anymore. I miss him more than I care to admit. My sister posted a video of him on Facebook and he was dancing as he was drinking a beer. That’s my father, always dancing. He loved to dance.

I’m not sure what the plan is for my brother in law. He wants to go to a specific restaurant so I don’t think there will be a something at home. My mother made him a cake. I don’t know why she does it as no one eats it and then she gets mad because it goes to waste. My sister has told her many times that no one eats cake but she doesn’t listen.

It’s really muggy today despite it just being in the 70s. I need to shower today so I might do it after I make coffee. I just plan on watching Star Trek the next generation DVDs. I watched two episodes last night. I didn’t listen to the game and I am glad I didn’t as the starting pitcher sucked. We lost 7-1. I was texting friends last night as the game was going on. I would have been swearing on Twitter a lot if I was paying attention to the game. I rather talk to my friends anyway. Game is on late again tonight. I don’t know who is pitching. I really don’t care as long as we get a win, but for that to happen, the offense needs to get runs. I’ll wear my hat and hopefully it will bring them luck.

I’m going to write down my concerns I have with my therapist sometime today. I was going to do it tomorrow but I think today is just as good. I just hope I can bring it up and talk about it with him.

I’m getting sleepy so I think I will shower and then make coffee. This way if the coffee puts me out at least I have the shower out of the way.

neurontin hangover and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Neurontin hangover and other things

I woke up at an early hour, which I don’t remember now. I was in pain and so I took my pain meds. Within a couple of hours, the pain was still there and I said fuck it, I wasn’t going to do anything today. I took 900 mg of Neurontin and went to sleep. I just woke up now with the hugest hangover. I made a burger and then some much needed coffee.

I still don’t have internet services. I am using my phone’s hotspot to connect and publish my blogs. I am using data like crazy. I still haven’t reached a 1 GB mark on my phone or hotspot data but it’s getting close. I called Verizon last night and they said there is a problem in the central office. They are working on the problem and will call me when it’s straightened out. I have the modem off for now. No need for it to be on as I can’t use it.

Last night I was going to watch STTNG but Roger Clemens was in the Sox booth calling the game. He is one of my all time favorite pitchers. I have three of his rookie cards. They aren’t graded so I don’t know the value of the cards, but if it’s a good grade it would be worth a lot of money. I had a website where I could send my cards to be graded for I think like $20. I was going to send one of the cards but never did. Now I don’t know where I saved the website. I was trying to look for it with my phone but the google on your phone is much different than on your laptop browser. I couldn’t find the site to send it. I downloaded an app but in order to use it, you had to pay a monthly charge. I wasn’t going to do that.

It was awesome hearing Clemens call the game last night. The Sox won 2-1. It was a fast paced game as the pitchers didn’t take too long between pitches. It felt longer because there were minimal hits.

I’m still in a lot of pain. I plan on making another burger for dinner later. I froze the other burgers in the package. I wish I had called my mother this morning to take out my ground beef so that I could make my gravy tomorrow. I’ll probably take it out Monday to make it Tuesday. I would tomorrow but I have therapy Monday evening and I don’t want to be in pain when I go.

I think I am going to start watching at least a couple episodes of STTNG. The game is on at 2000 again. I’d like to do something before that time. If I had internet, I would just read Twitter. One of my therapist friends who is gay was talking about the history of Pride and the gay liberation movement. It’s been a learning experience. In between he talks about what he plans on making for dinner. Last night, he made potato pancakes. I love them. He offered me a chair at his table, which I thought was nice of him. He just so cool. If I had found him earlier, he might have been my therapist. I really hope that I can have the courage to talk to my therapist on Monday about my concerns. It will be really hard for me as I am not used to asking what I need. I just go with the flow and that hurts me, sometimes. Maybe I will write it down and read it off to him. That might help center my thoughts better and I won’t forget what I want to discuss.

I still am reeling that he wasn’t as supportive as I thought he would be when I told him I was moving forward with my transition. That really bugged me and made me cancel last week’s session. I think I will write it up as I am drinking my espresso on Monday. I might do it before hand if I really think about it. Thing is, I don’t want to think about it. I spent 16 years trying to get my therapist to get me and I failed. In the end, she decided she wasn’t “effective” for me, all because of a blog I wrote about one session. That started our demise and things ended a few months later. I really don’t want the same thing happening with this therapist. Mostly because finding a therapist lately has been so fucking difficult. I live where thousands of therapists are and yet most of them are not taking on new clients.

What hurts the most is that she decided to split on our anniversary date. Then a month later, we had our last session. I’m still expecting her to call me. Now I am just in touch with her for billing questions on my outrageous statement.

long day and still no internet services

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Long day and still no internet service

I finally fell asleep around 0200 and then woke up at 0600 for some reason. I was half asleep so not sure if I had to use the bathroom or what but I went back to sleep until my alarm went off. I didn’t want to get up but I had to shave my head and shower. I had gotten in the habit of shaving the sides and back of my head. It feels good and I like it. Unfortunately, I don’t do a great job in the back as it is uneven but I don’t care. I mostly wear a hat so no one will really see it.

I caught the 11 bus and it was on time, which is shocking. I stayed at Starbucks until it was time to leave for my psych appt. I had breakfast and wrote in my journal while drinking my espresso. It was really good as the weather was cool but a little muggy. The sun kept going in and out, threatening to rain but it didn’t until I came home.

I saw my psych and we had a good talk. I told her about my therapist and how I am not sure I am going to stick with him. She encouraged me to talk to him about my concerns. I am kind of nervous about it because I never had to tell someone how I want to be treated so this is new to me. I told her I would try and then let her know as she would be interested in what he has to say.

As I was walking back to the train station, my Achilles flared up. Not too bad, but enough that I had to limp. Luckily I didn’t have to wait too long for the train. I got to the Square and went to the butcher shop to get burgers for dinner. I was starving. The bus was late and I was getting angry as I was so hungry. Then the bus came and there was traffic down the street we needed to go down. I just wanted to go home! Soon as I was near my house, the rain started so I made it home just in time.

My mother had taken out some ground beef, which I didn’t notice on the counter earlier. We used that and I will use my burgers tomorrow. Both my ankles are hurting me and I took my pain meds when I got to my room. After I ate, I called Verizon to find out why I still had no internet. Apparently, there is some problem with my account as it is still pending and they don’t know why. Just lovely. So until it’s resolved, I have to use my phone’s hotspot to have the net on my laptop. I am using data like crazy. I try not to be on my laptop too long as I use my phone for most things, but my phone doesn’t like to refresh Facebook and that is annoying as I get the same stories for the past few days rather than what is going on today. I also notice when I post and then refresh, my post goes away. It’s annoying me. Twitter is so much better.

For my blog readers, I apologize for not keeping up with your blogs while I have no net services. My phone is terrible at getting them through the WordPress app. I’ll try and check them after I publish this blog and comment on them.

I am very tired. Even after I drank my espresso, I was ready for a nap. Pain has really been interrupting my sleep and/or causing me to go to bed later than I would like to. I am not going to do anything for the rest of the night except to possibly listen to the game. I lasted through to the 8th inning last night and then all hell broke lose with my foot so I turned it off. I thought I would sleep but I couldn’t get comfortable. I was having so many different kinds of pain that I was so fed up, I didn’t know how to ease it. I wrote to my psych to vent as I was so frustrated. I really wanted to just take something that would kill myself or amputate my ankle.

This Sunday is Father’s Day. It’s the 2nd year without my father. I seriously never thought I would miss him so much. I thought I would just be glad he was gone but it’s not exactly a comforting thought when they actually are. I still remember one day when he was showing affection and hugged me lovingly. It had to have been the first time in a LONG time that he did this. I was taken aback by it. It will always stick out in my mind because he was gone not even six months later. It’s hard not having him there anymore. No more lengthy doctor appointments or scheduling this or that with him. It’s just weird not having him around.